Post # 1
Main points of our back story:
1.) We’ve been living together for 3.5 years
2.) We’re actually technically married, but having a ceremony and reception this September
3.) We don’t need any house stuff… except for an ice cream scoop. Which I could just buy for myself…
So, I think that, for our “bridal shower” we’re gonna swtich it up to an “Engagement Barbeque” and on the invitation have a web site to what we registered for (one big gift)
http://www.idofilms.net/ — Yup, they’re awesome and I must have one!!
The best part about them is this gift registry they organize online! It makes the perfect gift for us and I’m sure our guests wont mind paying toward a group present… right??
(We whipped this up on the computer… maybe something like this?)
Post # 3
Personally, in my social circles (FI’s family, my family, our friends, etc) this would be considered rude. First, because a shower with gifts should be thrown by someone else for you, not by the bride or the couple. Second, because couples who are married usually don’t have showers. Third, and perhaps most important, because guests shouldn’t be asked to give cash so bluntly, especially for an event that’s not the wedding itself. I completely sympathize with having a lot of house stuff already and not wanting more. Fiance and I are in the same situation and I’ve seen it come up often on Weddingbee. But there are so many more creative ways to get around this. For me, my bridesmaids threw a lingerie shower, for example. If there’s really nothing you want but cash, you could always just have a no-gifts party.
These are the kinds of opinions I would get if I decided to ask for cash contributions for my wedding (except in much harsher terms). Of course, different social circles have different opinions. Maybe you believe that your family and friends wouldn’t mind this type of shower/engagement party. If other friends or relatives of yours have done this and people liked it, maybe that’s an indication that this might work. If not, I would ask a few close friends and relatives how they feel about it and go based off of their opinions.
Post # 4
I don’t see a problem with this AT ALL! Atleast people will know the money they put towards your “gift” went to something you will actually use, instead of a $100 blender that you never pull out of the cabinet and is now collecting dust. We are not living in the 90’s anymore, a lot of bridal “rules” have flown out the window! I know of a lot of people who are in the same situation, when you have lived together for so long there really isn’t anything that you don’t already have. Whether they give you cash to put towards the special memories of your wedding day or a caserole pan….i just don’t see the difference (and i don’t believe my social circle would either)! 🙂
Post # 5
I don’t think there is anything wrong with the gift request, per se. I think the problem is more in throwing a party for gifts that you host. I’m just in the boat that you can’t throw yourself a party and ask for gifts. That is why showers are hosted by other people.
If someone else is hosting this event, ignore my comment. I would just recommend possibly having the amount of the gifts go unknown. That would ease comfort, if you just got a note saying “Jane contributed to your video.”
@ Rhoddalynne: I think the difference is choice and being able to tactfully conceal the amount spent. When I buy a gift off the registry, I do it with a coupon and on sale. Writing a check is just so black and white, it has always made me feel uncomfortable.
Post # 6
I should clarify this: We are NOT throwing the party… I am merely the go between for my Maid/Matron of Honor (My little, underage, never been to a wedding before sister) and his Aunts (who are providing the location at their neighborhood clubhouse)
But, of course, being the “go between” got me slightly involved… especially when everyone keeps asking “where are you registered”
Post # 7
I THINK THIS IS PERFECT. WE ARE IN THE SAME BOAT. WE STILL NOT MARRIED BUT WE HAD BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR SO LONG THAT WE DONT NEED ANY MORE HOUSE STUFF. SO WE REGISTER FOR A HONEYMOON. EVERY HAD LIKE THE IDEA.
I DONT THINK THIS IS RUDE AT ALL. TRADITIONS ARE CHANGING!!
Post # 8
I guess I’d find this rude. Kind of like if you want to buy someone a birthday gift and they say “Buy me this watch”. There’s a difference between a registry where a guest can browse and say “oh, they want a XYZ and I actually would love to buy them a XYZ” and being told “if you’re going to spend money on us, we only want XYZ”.
It’s so hard because times are changing – people live together before marriage, people build households. But the creation of a bridal shower/ engagement shower concept was to set people up for their hosuehold – if you have a hosuehold already the new ‘tradition’ could be just don’t ask for more stuff.
So that’s my answer kind of. It’s not well thought out, I’m avoiding a work problem. I don’t think it’s “tacky” because I understand the motivation. I just would be offended anyway. I think if you don’t need things, instead of creating a new way to funnel your guest’s money, maybe you should tell them not to spend their money on you.
Post # 9
Oh girl…. I don’t know. I would prob be offended if I was your guest. So would you get a print out of what everybody spent towards the video?
Seriously, if I was was attending, I would probably just buy you something pretty for about a hundred bucks or so that I thought you would like or give you a gift certificate.
I prob wouldn’t do that….. just sayin…. no offense….
Post # 10
MaggieMae – I dont think anyone (including me) gets a copy of how much people put forward…
My sister did some online searching and she saw a few other, cleverly worded, ideas:
Here’s what she sent me…
Include a note in the invitation. If you want to be tactful, don’t say, “We would like our gifts to be from this honeymoon registry.” Rather, mention something like “If you aren’t sure what to get us, we have set up a honeymoon registry to give you some ideas.” This sounds more like you are helping them out in the idea department.
Have someone else tell them. Get your mother or bridesmaids to discreetly spread the word. They might just bring it up in conversation or mention that if someone is wondering what to get you, they should check out the fabulous registry that you have set up. Often, this sounds better coming from a non-relative, but take what you can get!
Try adding a line to the invitation at the bottom. Just a simple phrase like “Honeymoon Registry at ____” and include the registry URL. This is an easy, non-obtrusive way to let folks know that you’d appreciate them taking a look at the list of gift ideas you’ve prepared for them.
Post # 11
I guess I never understand this line of reasoning for asking your guests for cash. In your OP you say, well we’ve been living together and we don’t need anything to help us set up a home… Then why am I being asked to give you a specific gift, or more to the point, fund a part of your wedding? If you honestly don’t need anything, don’t register. Tell your guests who ask that you’re already set up in your home and don’t need any gifts. I just never understand how living together for a few years somehow acts as justification to ask your guests for money, especially to help defray the cost of your wedding.
Post # 12
I think it’s more about people WANTING to buy us something… our families are extrememly close and we are being asked daily where we are registered and what we need. We are also the first wedding in years on both sides, so it’s been a totally fun experience.
I just figure, if people are asking us what we want, we might as well let them know!But seriously, maybe it’s just my family that works this way! =P
We don’t need money to pay for this wedding, so I dont think we’re asking anyone to “fund” any part of this event… it’s just a fun extra that we didn’t purchase for ourselves.
Post # 13
Its fairly common for brides (where I grew up) to include registry information in the Shower and Wedding invitations. I realize that this isn’t common everywhere and it seems is more and more frowned upon, but as a many-times over wedding guest, I have always appreciated having the registry information. And even more – I love the idea of buying something the bride and groom really want and will use. After all – if I’m at the wedding, its because I love the people getting married and want to add to their happiness by gifting them with something meaningful. So on that point, I do think its okay to include registry info with the invite.
My fiance and I have lived together for many years and we are registering for a honeymoon. I’ve been very hesistant to include this information in/on my Shower or Wedding invitations because it felt a little like I was just asking for money. However, after discussing it with my mom, she felt it was appropriate. Our wedding will be very small – only close family and friends – and those people already know that we have lived together for some time and they know we love to travel.
Post # 14
Hey Rico in Chicago!! I’m here, too 😉
And thanks, I was getting nervous with this thread! LOL
I honestly think it depends on the FAMILY you have… So I think this is a very subjective question!
Post # 15
I didn’t vote because I’m in the middle. While I don’t personally think it’s tacky, I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. My general responce to anything on weddingbee is “do what makes you comfortable”, but when it involves gifts or the idea of asking for gifts, doing what makes you comfortable is not always the best solution.
While I’m not one of those people, I’ve found that many people find traditional registries rude since you are in essence inviting them to celebrate and asking them to buy you one of your pre selected gifts. At least with traditional registries, they are able to pick which of the preselected gifts they want to give you. With a registry like this, they only have one option. From previous experience in a similar situation, I’m worried that some people will buy a gift they find appriopraite in $x instead.
If you know for sure that your family/friends would not be offended by this…then definitely go for it. But understand that some people might find this rude even if they say they are fine with it. Just remember that anything involving gift giving or money can be a very touchy subject to some.
Post # 16
I’m a little torn on this one too. If it’s an “option” I think it’s great – but I echo the other Bee’s comments about it being the only option. Can you set up a small alternate registry – it could also be somewhere where you don’t need anything right now but might in the future (you can always return gifts for store credit) – possibly Home Depot/Lowes, Macys (you can always use to buy clothing) or even a honeymoon, house downpayment, stock or charity registry – at least this would give your guests options.