Post # 1
First time poster here…I have been lurking for a little while and see how nice everyone is, so I’m wondering if I can get some advice!!
I’m not sure if I’m being petty but I told my best friend I wanted her to be my MOH and I thought I would be hers too, but when she got engaged, she picked her cousin. She’s really close with her family, but I guess I was hoping to be chosen, or at least to share the responsibility with her cousin. She’s told me on numerous occasions that she considers me the the person she’s closest to and that I’d be better at it. I guess people tend to choose their famillies first, but I’m having trouble understanding that since I do not have a large extended family, and even if I did probalby would still pick her. It feels like as we get older family is going to matter more and friends less.
Now I am mad at myself for telling her that I would give her this honor when I am not getting it in return. I have another really close friend seems to want to do it, who I know would make a great choice. But now that I’ve opened my mouth to the first friend, I’m not sure it’s right to change things. I haven’t formally asked anyone yet but I feel like it would be weird to just ask her to be a bridesmaid and ask the other girl to be Maid/Matron of Honor.
Anyone been through something similar? Have any advice, or am I just being totally petty?
Post # 3
It’s not a competition about who chooses whom.
My mom is really upset I didn’t choose my sister to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and my sister and I don’t even get along. A lot of times family expects to be chosen first, so maybe that’s what happened.
Post # 4
There’s no way to know the family politics that may be going on.
Maybe her family would make her life miserable if she didn’t pick her cousin. Maybe there was another friend who is a bridesmaid who she didn’t want to insult so she went with the easy choice family.
I chose my sister as my Maid/Matron of Honor, not because I’m closer to her than any of my bridesmaids, but because she is family. I also didn’t want to “play favorites” among my friends by picking one of them to be Maid/Matron of Honor. One of my bridesmaids is much more proactive, so she’s doing a lot of the Maid/Matron of Honor planning duties even though she’s not Maid/Matron of Honor.
Just let it be. I can completely understand picking family for that position. It is easier in many ways. The family is happy, none of the friends feel like they are “2nd tier” friends, and everyone can still be involved.
I can understand why it would sting, but it would have stung more if she’d picked another friend over you rather than family right?
Post # 5
family trumps friends. sorry, but you just have to get over it. and yes, it’s a little petty to say “well you didn’t ask me to be your moh so i won’t ask you to be mine”
Post # 6
I think you need to sit back and ask yourself two questions
1. Why do I want my best friend to be my MoH and
2. Why am I upset that I am *not* her MoH
If you want your best friend to be your MoH because you love her, she’s been there for you through thick and thin, she listens to your secrets and supports your dress choices and helps you justify lava cake by doing crazy yoga– that’s the girl! If you ONLY wanted your best friend in the wedding so you could be in hers…that’s a different story. My MoH is my best friend, but I imagine when she gets married, her older sister, with whom she is very close, will be her MoH. I still plan to do everything I can for this girl who has picked 6 bridesmaids dresses in 27 minutes, talked my mother out of bridal shower games and is making my veil, but I know that the Maid of Honor Honor goes to her family.
THAT said, I am not sure that the honor can’t be shared— I have a maid of honor and a matron of honor because my older sister is married. Don’t fire your best friend as MoH just because you can’t be the same in her wedding…you want her for a reason!
Post # 7
I wouldn’t say you are being petty because I think having your feelings be a little hurt is natural, but I don’t think you should un-ask your friend to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. I don’t think that being a Maid/Matron of Honor is a reciprocal thing really. If you thought she was the best person for the job before, she probably still is.
Regarding her not picking you, I”m sure it hurts but a lot of people do feel pressure to choose family. I don’t think that makes her a bad friend. I guess maybe if she asked her cousin to be her Maid/Matron of Honor and asked 5 other random friends to be BMs and you weren’t asked to be anything at all, that might be something that would make me reconsider how close I was really to the bride… but just being passed over for Maid/Matron of Honor is not a friendship-altering event I don’t think.
And to answer your question, I guess I am going through something similar. My Maid/Matron of Honor is getting married just 2.5 months after me and she chose not to have a wedding party at all. I guess I could be hurt because she didn’t reciprocate asking me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, but I’m really not. I think having a wedding party or not is a personal choice and she has circumstances that make that decision make a lot of sense.
Regardless of anything– I don’t want my wedding to change my relationship with anyone for the worse. Weddings are a big deal but they’re nothing to lose a friend over.
Post # 8
Are you engaged yet?
You choose someone not because you are returning the favor or punishing them for not choosing you. Yes, family will most likely override friendships so I can appreciate you being upset, but its OK for her to pick her cousin and she should have.
If you want her in your wedding because you want her, then have her. If you dont want to to be Maid/Matron of Honor because you were not Maid/Matron of Honor, then I would think long and hard about it because that is not the right reason to make that decision.
I have been disappointed when I wasn’t an Maid/Matron of Honor, but you get over it. Instead focus on helping her as much as you can. Enjoying being part of the process and supporting her. She chose you to be in the wedding because she does love you and want you there.
Post # 9
Yep. All I can tell you though is that, since you haven’t formally asked her you aren’t obligated to ask her to be Maid/Matron of Honor. She should be honored to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, as should you. Being Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t really that big of an honor to me…it’s more work, in most cases, and you end up looking the same to everyone else on the day of anyway. 🙂
I’m sure she has her reasons for choosing the cousin, and maybe family does “come first,” but ultimately it was her choice. Her cousin would have been honored (or should have) to be in the Wedding Party anyways. I feel like Maid/Matron of Honor and Best Man have taken on this “picking favorites” mentality when really what it is is more responsibility – i.e. the rings, arrangements, etc.
Edit: I don’t think family always has to trump best friends. BUT, it’s just a personal decision.
Post # 10
i think you need to remember that just because someone is in your bridal party, they don’t have any obligation to ask you to be in there’s.
as for if she should be yours, i think you need to ask yourself if your want to change the order because your are hurt or if your second friend really is your closer friend of the two.
i think if you can’t get past the hurt also that you aren’t her Maid/Matron of Honor, then maybe it is best that she not be yours (if you haven’t asked yet), that way your not holding a grudge about this during your planning process.
Post # 11
Pardon me, but for you to get upset over the fact that she won’t ask you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor is kind if absurd. Yes, we would all like to have the covetted title, but I would never want to demote my Maid/Matron of Honor if they don’t ask me. As a matter of fact, one of my MOH’s recently became engaged and I was asked to be a bridesmaid and I was absolutely delighted that she thought enough of me to ask to be apart of her wedding.
Post # 12
It might sting a bit but focus on the idea that being a bridesmaid is just about supporting and helping the bride through the whole process, which if she really is that good of friend you will still be doing all that. Its just a title. I have a lot of friends with big families who picked family over friends but since I’m from a small family I picked a friend. I think you just have to focus on supporting her as best you can and it looks like she needs your help with a lot since maybe the cousin won’t help with everything.
Be happy you can share the experience of getting married at the same time as a great friend. My best friend is getting married 5 weeks after me and we are having a great time planning together, and neither of us
Post # 13
To the OP, I am not going to give you any kind of hard time, because I am currently living in the middle of a very similar situation!
My Maid/Matron of Honor got engaged 3 weeks after I did. I was expecting to be her Maid/Matron of Honor as well because of our friendship being more like family and all of that. But, instead, she chose another friend and simply asked me to be her bridesmaid. And I was/am VERY hurt by this! I mean really really upset about it. It came as a slap in the face. I also had started to think if she should still be mine or if I should change my wedding party around as well. ( I haven’t done that but have thought about it)
I don’t think you are petty at all. If the two of you are as close as I ( or thought I was) am with my Maid/Matron of Honor I can completely understand and empathize.
I am currently trying to take a step back and evaluate the situation and my feelings on it. Hang in there!
Post # 14
My fiance wanted to choose his best friend (who also happens to be a great role model as far as husbands go) but felt obligated to choose his brother, who really… they are not close. They didn’t even grow up in the same house.
Family just has to come first, as much as it sucks. My best friend since Kindergarten completely understood that I chose my sister to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. And I know it will be the same with her. I know your feelings are hurt but you have to remember that this is about her and maybe she just thought you would understand and her cousin would not. She was probably trying to avoid a huge family brawl right before her wedding.
Good luck, try to cheer up. Your friendship shouldn’t boil down to just this one situation. You don’t need to be her Maid/Matron of Honor to know that you guys are friends.
Post # 15
I think what may be bothering you is that she told you that you would do a better job than her cousin, but she feels (for whatever reason) obligated to have her cousin be Maid/Matron of Honor. That does sting to hear. I know, because I had a friend do the same thing many years ago. In the end, you have to ask yourself if you want to be there for her. If you do, then don’t worry what ‘position’ you are, just be there to support her.
Post # 16
Sorry you feel hurt but you’re just going to have to suck it up. You shouldn’t be choosing her becasue you thought she’d choose you back. It is an HONOR to serve, not a privledge you’re entitled to. I assume you’re still a bridesmaid yes? Just be happy at that.