(Closed) Officiant/friend/guest list mini terror

posted 10 years ago in Logistics
Post # 3
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I would let it go. What are the odds that everyone you invited will RSVP?And, as you mentioned, what are the odds that he will find a date to drive cross-country with him last minute like that? I am sure there will be a spot left, and you won’t have to risk hurting the friendship.

Post # 4
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I would let it go- hiring a officiant can be several hundred dollars, so in the long run springing for gas and possibly his date shouldn’t be too bad.

If you have a good relationship you could just be honest about it and tell him you really wanted only close friends and family and see what he says.  

Either way try not to panic over it.  It will all be ok. 

Post # 5
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I would let him bring a date…he’s not just a random guest, but your officiant and good friend.  And like you said, there’s a good chance he may not find someone to be his date and drive cross country to the wedding, but at least you extended the invite.

Post # 6
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Okay, so after first reading this, I was going to say that you should stand up for yourself and your guest list and don’t let him bully you into letting him bring a guest. But then I thought about it, and like peaches said, most people would let their officiant bring a date (whether married or not). Sooooo…your call. I would definitely follow up with him beforehand though to confirm who he’s bringing (if anyone). You don’t want to be surprised with an extra guest, even if you do have no-shows.

Post # 7
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You treat your officiant like a guest.  So if you’re letting guests in general bring dates, then Bill should also get to bring a date.  If you’re not, then Bill shouldn’t necessarily be an exception.  If there is some kind of "it depends" rule, like people who have to travel get to bring dates so they don’t have to travel alone, or people whose SOs you have met get to bring them, those same rules should apply to Bill.  If you decide that you’d rather he not bring a date whom you don’t know, especially if she is just "a date" rather than a girlfriend, you should have that discussion with him yourself.  It’s actually not that hard – and since he is a friend he should understand.  Just tell him that you have some severe budget issues, and so while you did try to invite people’s SOs, you do have to think carefully about every guest, as you actually can’t afford to invite all the family you might like to have.  Maybe also let him know that on the off chance he does find someone special before the wedding, you’d be happy to have her there, but that you would prefer he didn’t just "bring a date."  If you can’t have that discussion with him yourself, then I think you have to suck it up and let him just show up with some chick, if that’s his choice.  It’s just not very considerate of either him or your mutual friend to have them pass along the bad news.

Post # 8
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It’s an awkward conversation to have sometimes, but it needs to be done.  Talk to him.  The fact that he said, "I need to find a date for your wedding" clearly indicates he doesnt’ have anyone in mind, he just doesn’t want to be alone and assume she should bring someone.

It’s a common issue, especially for people who haven’t been through the wedding process.  They just don’t know they aren’t automatically allowed to bring a date.

Explain it to him in a very nice way that you had to cut family members off the list, so him bringing a random date would make you feel really bad, I think he’ll get it.  Especiallly point out that you’ll make sure he’s seated with people he knows so he won’t be alone.  Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I would explain to Bill the situation with the guest list.  If he’s a friend, he should understand that if you couldn’t even have all of your family invited, you can’t make room for his date.

You should also mention that there will be other singles there to mingle with (so he’ll know it won’t be all couples with him being the only singleton).

Post # 10
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2008

It would be very generous and gracious of you to allow your good friend who got himself ordained as a minister in order to marry you, for nothing more than gas money mind you, to bring a date to the event. 

Post # 11
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

We have a no-date rule for our single friends invited to the wedding….. except for our bridal party.  This actually only ends up applying to one person, but I figure she is paying her own money for a dress and shoes and hotel room for my wedding, the least I can do is let her bring a guest.  If our officiant was a friend who was also single, I think I would also let the exception apply to him, considering that he is essentially saving you a lot of money.  Although he shouldn’t have automatically assumed he’d be invited with a guest, a lot of people simply don’t realize the financial aspect of weddings and I’m sure he didn’t mean to put you in an awkward position.  I’d let it go and make an exception for him.

Post # 12
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

just let it go – one more person isnt going to break you right?

Post # 13
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Although your financial issue is *totally* understandable, I’m also thinking about how Bill might have some mixed emotions when performing a wedding when he just went through a "brutal" breakup himself. 

 Being an officiant myself, I might be a little biased, but I would say that brides shouldn’t treat their officiants just like any other guest.  He’s performing the most important service at the wedding and "charging" you nothing more than gas money.  

These decisions are so hard though, and I hope your situation works out. 

 

Post # 14
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2018

He’s not an average guest, he is special and should be given some special treatment.  Also, not that he would, but if you piss him off it could give him less motivation to give 110% at the ceremony.  And i think the ceremony is the ONE place you would not want to skimp.  You just wouldn’t want to give him any reason to not give your ceremony all the love an attention and work (it really takes a lot of work to do and prepare for) it deserves.  Just my 2 cents.

Post # 15
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I think you should let Bill bring a date since he is officiating at your ceremony (he’s doing you a huge favor).  That would be the nice thing to do if you are allowing "+1’s" for others.

You can re-iterate that he should carpool with the other mutual friend since 200 miles is a long way.  Maybe to discourage him from bringing a total stranger, you can offhandedly "remind" him that he’ll be up front with you guys at the ceremony, thereby leaving his "date" all alone in the audience.  That might make him think twice about who he brings and maybe he will just come with that mutual friend. 

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