Post # 1
I’m not going to lie, I’m a pretty low maintenance person. I’m not into big productions, large gatherings and the idea of having lots of people watching me and paying lots of attention to me makes me want to just throw up and pass out (I’m majorly shy and I have bad stage fright!).
SO, needless to say I don’t want a huge wedding, and my FI is the same way, so we’re both on the same page. Ideally we would just elope. I ran this idea by my mom, and she pretty much said, “do whatever you want, but I think you’ll regret not having a real wedding” and things like that. She made a huge deal out of it, and made me feel like crap for even thinking about it. So, then the FI and decide on a very small outdoor wedding with about 25 people, and she sounded okay with that. Alright, thought I was done.
Nope. When I think that our teeny tiny wedding will work out, she starts with the “Oh, you have to invite so and so and so and so! And don’t forget about these people!” Basically taking up the count to over 100 (just for my side!).
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at the end of my rope, and I’ve been planning for a month! This is turning into the whole, ‘your marriage, our wedding’ garbage, and I’m so close to just throwing in the towel and let her do everything she wants, because she hasn’t approved of one thing that we’ve wanted to do so far. I’m even tempted to move it back by a year, so we can use more time to try and make it work so that it’s our dream wedding, not my mom’s. Anyone else had to deal with this? How can I make her understand how serious we are about eloping?
Post # 3
I am in the EXACT same boat as you. Every time I see advertisements for weddings in the dominican republic I immediately start day dreaming about our romantic wedding with just our close friends and family and then my mom snaps me back to reality. She told me the exact same thing that I would “regret” it, but honestly, I am afraid I might regret NOT getting married on a beautiful beach (which has always been my dream) I told my mom we are having a long engagement so hopefully by next year she will be tired of trying to get me to do it her way, and just let me do it the way we want it.
Sorry you have to go through this, this is a really stressful part of planning.
Post # 4
I have said FOREVER that I want to elope. Everyone knew it. In 6 weeks I am having a lovely wedding with 110 guests (over 200 invited). It was really important to my groom to have a bigger wedding and so I relented and have been planning for almost a year (full disclosure: we did elope to vegas, just me and him but we are having the big wedding too).
I am telling you this because now that the planning is almost over I CANNOT WAIT for the big wedding. I hated just about every aspect of planning it, hated the expense, hated the stress…but when I think about that day and having all of my friends and family there and the amazing party that it’s going to be, I am really happy we decided to have a wedding.
If you are really, really sure you want a small wedding then go for it, but I thought that’s what I wanted too and I have zero regrets about giving in and planning this bigger affair.
Post # 5
We ALL feel this way at some point. LOL
When I got engaged, I knew right off that bat that I’d need to keep my mom at bay and not really have her involved in most of the wedding planning. I LOVE her to death, she’s a great mom but also a control freak mom at the same time.
At first I wanted to include her in chosing the venue b/c I knew that this wedding meant a lot to her. Then came the realization when I started considering some venues that were about 30 hour to 1 hour outside of where myself and most of my relatives live. She started to b!$&hing me out for not considering the convenience of my guests and said some nasty things to me that were kind of uncalled for. My FI’s fam is the opposite and doesn’t care what we do.
Anyway, after this I decided to not include her in most of the wedding decisions or planning. When I picked out a venue I told her after the fact. She’s just happying that I’m getting married and eventually will support what I want. Sometimes she can’t help but try to be a mom.
When I decided on having pie instead of cake she also gave me a lecture but… I stood my ground. Most of the time I just give her little details here and there of what’s going on wedding planning wise but nothing more than that. Because of this… my FI and I are going to have the wedding we want w/o any family drama.
Post # 6
Here’s what happened to me, I was in a very similar boat. Parental pressures and family obligations in MY FIANCE and MY wedding especially since WE’RE paying for it! His parents were upset that all we can afford (as college students getting no help from them for tuition or living expenses) is a cake and punch reception. Essentially my budget is $2000 for a Catholic wedding (yeah, the church and fees associated accumulated for half that).
Fiance and I sat down, I had a heart-to-heart with him. Basically told him I’d rather elope because I didn’t like the length of the guest list and felt so miserable about planning and paying for it all (I’m able to save more than him). So he’s like “well then we’ll have immediate family and very close friends.” That took our guestlist from 130 to 30. I couldn’t take it and now that it’s that low, the pressure is off of me! The 30 person wedding is all that I can afford and is such a relief! We told the bridesmaids and groomsmen that they can either step down if they want or wear a nice sunday best outfit to save costs :)! So far everyone is supportive, his parents are disappointed but at this point it’s best for my fiance and me!
We’re planning a large party on a major anniversary for those that weren’t invited.
Do what makes you and your fiance feel best and want to do b/c honestly if you do that you’ll have no regrets even if that means eloping 🙂
Post # 7
I am in the exact same situation as you. At first I really thought that I wanted the whole wedding (not too big) and the white dress, but as planning goes along I am wondering if that’s what I really want or if I want it because I’m told I should want it. I also have had the whole “you’ll regret it talk” several times with myself and a good friend who’s older and had the big wedding. I think ultimately it comes to what YOU want. (and your FI) I love my mom to pieces, but I find myself considering things that I don’t want just so that I’ll make sure that she gets to live that dream. Ultimately, we are the ones that will have to live with the regrets, either way we go, and the debt, and so I think it is time for some real soul searching and good conversations with your FI. And, who’s to say that if you elope and then later regret it, you can’t have a big vow renewal ceremony on an anniversary?
Ultimately, we should all follow our heart and do what is best for us, not for our families, or what they think is best for us. I also am a low maintenance person and am really good at going with the flow. But for this, I think that we should have what we want. If eloping is what you really want, do it. If your mom wants for you to have a big party with all of these people, then let her throw you a celebration party afterwards. I hope this helps. I think it was as much a pep talk for myself as a response to you. 🙂 I’m off to look at places in South Carolina or Maine for an easy, low stress wedding!
Post # 8
I didn’t want to have a big wedding either, I didn’t want the stress of it. My fiance wanted the big party and have fun with your family and friends. I started to wonder if I would regret not having a wedding because we only do this once. We looked into having a destination wedding but it got tricky for family members without a lot of money that we really wanted to be there. My mother kind of said basically if it’s money you are worried about have a wedding here and I will help you (so awesome of her and I know we wouldn’t be able to have this wedding without her help). I figured if it’s important to my mom and my fiance then I will give in and have a traditional wedding (still small only 75 ppl).
Post # 9
Thanks for the advice everyone! Eloping is really what we want, and we’re thinking of the the City Hall in San Francisco. We were hoping to elope, and come back and throw a huge party for all of our family and friends. We wanted to have it at a small beach park with a little gazebo and picnic area where everyone could hang out, barbeque, swim, etc. That just sounds like a lot more fun to us- we want to share time with everyone we care about, but we’re not formal party kind of people. Hopefully things will get all figured out!
Post # 10
You’ll figure it out, and it will be beautiful. I know from personal experience it’s easier said than done, but try not to get too stressed by things others are saying to you. My family has been very negative about our DW, but I decided from day 1 I was not going to let them ruin this for me- I waited a long time to be engaged!!! Stick to your guns and do what feels right to you and your FI.
Post # 11
I think we all get this from our parents and inlaws…
I sure did, when we got engaged. We always said that when we did get engaged, we’d start planning for a DW.
Well when we actually started planning, our parents (mothers) acted as if they didn’t know, or didn’t want to believe that it was going to happen that way. It was complaint after complaint for 14 months.
“you’re going to regret not having a big wedding” (we really, really won’t!)
“it could be even less expensive here” (but ugly!)
“it could be intimate here, too” (not without starting WAR in the family)
“oh, you didn’t invite that person? I did..” (WHY!)
“you can’t let him get married without his sister there” (hmmm we talked to her, we all came to an understanding.. it’s none of your business.. and she CAME anyway)
“I’m afraid to take the plane” (well, take it, or look at pictures when we come back)
The key is: talk with you FI. Decide together what you really, really want for your wedding. Choose whatever will make THE 2 OF YOU most happy. And stand together in an united front. Most of the time, mothers just want to be able to give their input, but by doing so, they tend to induce guilt trips and take control of situations, but only if we let them… We were very polite with them, but also firm.
It’s so, so, so worth it!! After all was said and done, we LOVED our wedding, and everybody had a blast, including our mothers!
Post # 12
I actually wanted a huge wedding and then due to the inescapable (SP?) family drama, we threw in the towel and are going to the Dominican and getting married in Punta Cana. We have about 30 friends and family coming with us and we couldn’t be happier that we chose this avenue. And not having a huge affair doesn’t bother me quite like I thought it would. Follow your heart <3