Weddingbee boards

I know, I know, it's Christmas... but seriously. My family hardly celebrated at all (and I was at home for it, so umm... it would have been nice to have a little bit of celebration), and then my FI didn't even bother to call today, but talked to me for like 5 minutes on gchat. (Side note: FI is 25 minutes away, but hasn't come to see me but once in the last two weeks. I've had to go see him like six times.) Didn't come by, didn't bother to talk to me tonight... nothing. And I wasn't invited over there, because... well, you'll see why in the next paragraph.

I'm just so frustrated. He goes to his parents house, drinks all night and just forgets about me... and the thing is, I'd think it was immaturity except for the fact that his whole family just sits around and drinks! (Another sidenote: his mom has put WINE in a SIPPY CUP to take with her on the way to going out to eat with them.) They made it perfectly clear last night at his birthday dinner that I am not family to them and that family is most important (his brother said something to me and NO ONE let me sit next to FI at his birthday dinner... I sat literally in my own far off corner of this oddly shaped table.) What kills me is that his mom kept saying stuff only to him while the rest of his family was saying this stuff--so he has no idea that they basically told me off!

Seriously, I am so mad at all of them... I know it's their fault he hasn't come by--they guilt trip him every time he wants to leave, and then they leave and go do things when they said they wanted to "spend time with him."

Ok, ok, I'm done with my vent. I'm just so sad over the whole thing... I'm glad christmas is over. I've never been happy about it before, but I truly am this year.

Thanks so much StudentBride... I do plan on at least telling him kind of what was going on.

And Cre.. yeah, he hasn't been drinking for two weeks straight though, so that kind of bugs me.. And with the sippy cup, she was def not driving, but it's sad that she had to finish that wine so bad (with nothing on her stomach)--she was tipsy as h*ll! He is the baby, so I guess that might be it... I just can't believe they'd do that on his birthday/Christmas Eve. Ugh, people.

Ugh, I'd invite them, but they are going to a party (but EXPECT FI to be home so they can spend time together on new years' day...what?!)

Well, he doesn't exactly live with them... we live four hours away and came home. Unfortunately this is the first time they've ever shown me this side in FIVE YEARS of dating! I don't know what is wrong with these people... they are straight up crazy!

Sounds like my in-laws (mine are slightly more passive), but I can't relate on the significant other part. My husband always is by my side, and would never allow that to happen.

    You should probably reconsider marrying this guy. He sounds pretty ignorant if he's allowing his family to treat you like a second class citizen. Seriously, do you want to deal with that crap for the rest of your life? Take it from me, it doesn't get better. I love my husband more than anything, but on bad days I'm left wondering whether or not it was a mistake, saying that feels as awful as it sounds. Worrying one day the in-laws will get the upper hand/he'll quit fighting the fight isn't pleasant Ok. So it's not really a fight- more like passive attempts to break us. The bitterness I have towards them doesn't make me feel good either. Today his mother called obviously irritated he wasn't attending their Christmas party and attempting to guilt him into changing his plans. When he refused she called back moments later with a whole new bright cheery attitude because she's slowly realizing he's catching onto her game. It's manipulative and I hate it. If your fiance isn't including you/allowing bad behavior to happen right under his nose- you deserve better. Good luck.

That's so weird! Did anything happen for his family to feel this way?

That doesn't make any sense that your FI hasn't even come to see you. Me & my FI can't stand the really be APART from each other for just one day. I'm so sorry that you've got to deal with this! You should call his family out on it and SEE just why they're acting this way. I would!

And have you told your FI that this is UNacceptable?! Dang..so much to say, but it's hard to give advice truly knowing the situation itself.

I just hope it all works out!!

Hey cinema! I'm sorry it was so awful for you! I would be upset too if I were in your shoes. I totally agree with bellenga though, and am concerned about the drinking.

As far as his family goes, it is amazing to me that they are treating you this way, especially after 5 years of dating! I wonder what the deal is... are you and him getting along ok? Not to pry, but if he feels like there are some issues between you, he may have discussed them with his family & that could be the cause of it. If all is well with you, then it is just completely bizarre & I'm more inclined to think it's because of the alcohol.

At any rate, I hope it all works out for you! Don't like to see you sad!

So Update here... we talked about it for a LONG time this morning. He agreed that he was not trying to cause tension with the family about leaving to come see me, since they lay on the guilt trip, and we discussed exactly how he's going to avoid it in the future. I know this is something that he'll have to work on, but he says he's truly willing to work on it... and he's not happy with them either, they always make him feel bad in some way about himself too. I think it may be because his mom is flighty and possibly an alcoholic so I have to cut him a little slack in as far as they treat me--he does stand up for me apparently when I don't see it. And he didn't notice what they said/did to me, but he offered to talk to them about it if I wanted.

I'm glad you talked to him definately, and I'm glad he's willing to talk to his family (if you want him too) about the things they said to you.. It's crappy when family members have that much control over someone & can put them on a guilt trip so easily. I can see where he would feel torn in a way, but he does need to realize that you are going to be his wife and therefore, part of his family. It will be his job to stick up for you and be there for you, regardless of what they say, etc. Anyway, I hope things are all better for you now and you can move forward into a happy new year! :)

And another talk... I actually told him straight that I know I'll end up coming between him and his family, and that if he wants me to be his wife, he has to support me. I think we had some communication barriers before, because he was like... "I know, that's what I have been telling you!" So I think maybe part of the problem was understanding what was going on. Phew. what a lesson on communicating and how to deal with problem in-laws!

her alcoholism is something the family has tried, tried and tried again to end, but you can't change someone until they're ready to change. She did not take the cup in, but drank it down in the car during our 7 minute ride to the restaurant (yeah, that's pretty bad) and ordered wine when we got there, too.

I thank you for the suggestions, but she's definitely a functioning alcoholic, and they all know it. She's also pretty delusional (and ironically a therapist/counselor) so it may never happen that she gets the help that she probably needs; she is too convinced that she's not an alcoholic and too proud to accept it. she never drinks and drives so i think they all just believe she isn't harming anyone...