Oh lord I'm in for it now! FSIL nightmare! Long rant, sorry!

posted 1 year ago in Family
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

@zaza1234:  I feel so bad for you. I havent been through anything like this, but I am going to try to offer some advice. Does she know these things bother you? If so, she may just be trying to get to you. She may just get some joy out of seeing you suffer. Some people just dont have empathy for anyone

Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

She sounds like a handful.
And that’s putting it nicely.
How does everyone else feel about her?  Your fiance’s family?  Maybe talk to them, not to gossip but just to say no matter what they hear from her, no matter how much she tries to stir the shit pot, you are not jealous you are just upset with the situation.  That way, at least the people who she may end up badmouthing you to will know the truth.
It also sounds like all of her issues stem from insecurities.  Maybe…if she is the type, you’ll have to gauge it…you could get her alone and say that it will be nice that you too can share the struggles of wedding planning together.  Don’t go into too much detail or mushy stuff, but it might just be enough to get a spark in her mind that you are not her enemy and she doesn’t need to compete.
If she is NOT that type, you may have to be more assertive.  If she gets really bad, say to her privately that you feel that while there is certainly room to share the wedding spotlight, you feel that she has taken up everyone’s time and attention and you and your fiance require as much as she does.
Also…what does the brother think of all of this?  Obviously he asked her but it sounds like he was under duress.  Maybe also let him know that you’re available to talk, if he want to, and then give him your thoughts.  Don’t bad mouth her to him, that won’t do any good, but suggest you think there may be some difficulties that need to be ironed out if both marriages are to be successful.
I know a bit how you feel…me and my SO had been dating for almost 7 years, and his sister had been dating her SO for 5.  I had been waiting for a proposal for about a year to a year and a half, we were all on vacation with the whole family and I was dying for him to propose.  We went to Florence and met with the sister and her SO after lunch and SURPRISE they’d gone off and gotten engaged!!!  I was SOOOOO happy for them but I wanted to turn and run away.  I spent the whole rest of the day secretly (or not so secretly) crying because I never would have thought they would have gotten engaged before us.  And then I felt bad because I didn’t want people to think I was just jealous and petty so I see you’re stuck a bit between a rock and a hard place.  My story has a happy ending (he proposed the next day in Rome…he was going to wait until my birthday in Venice but he thought I wouldn’t speak to him otherwise for the rest of the trip!  I was so surprised and then we all got to celebrate our engagements together) but you will have to use a bit more tact I think.
Just remember, at the end of the day, you don’t have to take her crap.  If it gets bad, call her out.  Publicly or not.  If there is a blow out, but you know that the family and your fiance support you, then to hell if it gets awkward.  You shouldn’t have to destroy your wedding dreams for someone who muscled in on the spotlight not because she was in love, but because she was jealous.

Member
778 posts
Busy bee

@zaza1234:  Have you ever told her to shut the fuck up?  Kill ‘em with kindness and IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE…. I don’t think that’s going to work with her.  Next time she makes a snide remark about her wedding, ring, engagment party, bach party, dress, etc being “better” tell her “Shut the fuck up.”  And walk away.  I hate girls like this.  I want to grip them up and smack them upside the head.

Member
3456 posts
Sugar bee

She sounds abusive, I feel bad for your FBIL. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do about the spotlight stealing, but as far as the idea stealing don’t tell her anything about your wedding if you can help it. Be vauge and wishy washy. If she doesn’t know your color scheme, you menu, your dress style ect she can’t steal it or do it first except on accident.

Member
27 posts
Newbee

There was a time in the summer when I knew both my fiance was shopping for a ring for me, and my brother was shopping for a ring for his girlfriend. I did not hate her, but I was not fond of her either. I just knew that when/if we were to be engaged at the same time, it would be all about her. I called my mom upset about it, telling her my concerns. I think it is completely normal to feel this way but remember, don’t give away your best because someone else is bothering you. My mom assured me that I would have the most beautiful wedding for ME and MY fiance, and they would have their most perfect wedding for THEM. It is very easy to compare and be jealous in the world, but think back…and think to why you are getting married in the first place. Its because YOU love HIM. Your future sister in law is NO WHERE in that equation.

My brother and his gf since split, so I did not end up having to deal with that, so yes, it’s easier for me to say. But, there are always friends and family who want to take away the spotlight. I just focus on my life with my soulmate. Long after the wedding and family dynamics, you will still have each other and the life that you are building. 

Member
692 posts
Busy bee

@zaza1234:  dont tell her a single thing about your wedding. She asks? Say it’s a surprise lol 

Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

Kill the insecure witch with kindness. Her party is going to be more fun than yours? Imagine her as a small child and reassure her, “I’m sure it will be!” In a way, this is also a passive-aggressive way for you to get up under her skin. If she notices that you aren’t bothered, maybe it will bother her – and she will eventually stop. If it goes over her head that you’re trying to bother her, she may get enough reassurance and encouragement for her malignant insecurity to stop bothering you.

I’ve been dealing with something somewhat similar (fiance’s sister). She was pregnant when we got engaged, and the moment she felt her spotlight was at all being taken, she turned into a complete monster. Not that she was an angel before. :D Killing her with kindness, and treating her like a small child in need of love, has done wonders for me.

Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

@zaza1234:  wow, she really does sound abusive. I’m really surprised your FI’s parents aren’t saying something to their son about this.Personally, my SO’s sister can be a handful. when she was planning her wedding she was very bridezilla at some points. so irritating. however, you have to be nice since she is basically going to be like family. eventually FBIL will realize what a crazy she is and know that you were right all along

Member
421 posts
Helper bee

I would say avoid contact with her as much as possible. Do NOT share wedding details and make it clear to the FIL that they are not to share details with her. If she doesn’t know your date don’t let her know till the STD are sent out. If she asks avoid or smile super sweet and say she will have to wait and see.

Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh man, I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds awful.

The only advice I can give is to just keep her at arm’s length and not talk to her about your wedding AT ALL. If she asks, give polite-but-vague responses, and keep it only between your close friends and family. This is YOUR day, SHE doesn’t need to know. Tell her you’re trying to keep it a surprise if she wants to know more.

You never know, if she keeps up with her behaviour maybe it will implode on its own during the wedding planning, but sadly you can’t say anything – his family have voiced their concerns, but any more and you FBIL might get resentful and end up turning more to her anyway!

Member
50 posts
Worker bee

@zaza1234:  Kill her with kindness. As fun as it would be to tell her off, getting a punch in the face wouldn’t be worth it! 

also will you please document any abuse you see and the family from her to FBIL, with dates, times and exactly what you saw? The domestic violence she is perpetuating on your FBIL is seriously concerning. My FI works in family protection and sees people like her everyday, and she’s only going to get worse- especially once there’s kids involved. :(

Good luck

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