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What you described is not only acceptable in my hometown, it's expected. There is basically one place in town to have a wedding reception, and the hall has an electronic sign out front that usually displays the wedding information for the whole town. I don't know of any wedding in my hometown that has ever been "invite only."
That being said, I now know that this isn't acceptable in most situations. :) So now I wouldn't go to a wedding without a specific invite. I've definitely done it in the past, though...
Edit: We also did not have a hometown wedding because we preferred something... more exclusive. But we are having a hometown reception at the end of this summer. I think my mom is running an ad in the newspaper instead of sending out invites. Seriously.
Wow, that's really interesting! I didn't know that at all about small community weddings. I'm from NYC and that most certainly is not the case around here! That sounds like a really nice tradition, though I did vote for #1 because (a) the concept of being officially invited to a wedding to attend is firmly ingrained in my mind as a result of the environment in which I've grown up, and (b) I still think that, even if it is a general rule that all are welcome, I wouldn't be comfortable going unless it was expressed by the bride and groom themselves (or their families at least).
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Ah a tricky question... especially in small communities like yours (or the one we're getting married in).
Our town is the same way. I don't think there is any harm in these types of cases to meeting up at the after party or stopping by for well wishes at the end of the celebration... though I probably wouldn't show up for food, knowing what I know now!
If it was New York City or San Francisco, I'm pretty confident that I would know better... but North Lake Tahoe, the lines get kind of fuzzy!
@kittyachi - yep!! If you DON'T want the whole town at your wedding around here... you either have to suck it up and deal with it, or you have it somewhere else where they won't travel to attend.
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Wow, I've never heard of this happening before. I would be completely shocked if someone showed up to a wedding unannounced and would never consider going to a wedding (ceremony or reception) if I hadn't received a formal written invitation. Honeslty, I don't think I would go, even if I knew other people were doing it, just because it feels strange to me. I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable or put anyone in a financially difficult situation. I would also be shocked if someone showed up to my wedding unannounced...and a little upset! Where I'm from, everything is pretty pre-planned and calculated, so it would totally throw things off to have an extra person.
I hope that lots of people show up at the ceremony, in fact I'm going to put a note in our parish bulletin inviting everyone in the parish. It is a Mass, and everyone is welcome, as far as we are concerned. I have been to lots of Catholic wedding ceremonies that I wasn't invited to, because it is considered a community celebration. I would never show up at a reception uninvited, though! That's completely different.
Ditto, Mrs. Spring! FI and I are both from a small town, and a wedding is considered a community event. We have lots of people that are coming to the reception who weren't "formally" invited, but that's just how it goes! Mostly friends of FI's family asking my FMIL about it. I told her it was fine, with a few rules: 1) She has to ask me about it first, 2) I have to clear it with FI first and, 3) she MUST keep a running list of the "extra" invited, just for head counts. I figure, the more the merrier! If we run out of food, or drinks, I know there will be someone(s) who will be willing to "run up to the store" for more!
I voted for sure if it was socially acceptable and I knew the couple only because I'd never go to any wedding (invited or not) unless I knew either the bride or groom.
Weddings are invitation only around here and I'm glad! LOL I do find it charming and sweet that there are still places where it's acceptable to go to anybody's wedding. :)
I think if its common in your town, then more power to you! My only question is, what about food and drink? If its in a hall, then there probably arent per person catering fees, right? We had a few crashers at our wedding but it balanced out the no shows. I would have been super pissed if at the end of night I got a bill for the extra heads though...
It seems like it might be fun...no assigned seating or formal evening attire...
Egads! I am so scared of this happening at our wedding. We are not from a small town, but FI's friends think in this same way, and it is SO appalling to me. Plus, they don't treat the occasion like they should--they often just show up in jeans, get rowdy, don't bring a gift (when this is not the norm)... I've been to weddings of his friends where people the couple had met maybe once came with someone who they knew better, and had to sit outside the fancy ballroom on the floor while the bride cried about having the "look" of her wedding ruined by these people. And they didn't care--just drank her liquor, ate her food, partied with their friends, and left.
Now, if it's acceptable in your town and is expected by the couple, I'm sure it's a different story. (As is a religious ceremony where the whole congregation is welcome, etc). But we're having assigned places, and chose our guest list for a reason, and if people I don't want coming show up, yes, I would be a bit upset. (Not that these people didn't want the Mary Janes coming, I didn't mean that!) Just that we spent a lot of time determining who is close enough to us at the moment for us to want to share this very personal day with them. I understand wanting to hang out with old friends, but (I feel) that a wedding is not the place to do that if you weren't invited.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but this exact issue is plaguing me, and I had no idea that it was actually socially acceptable in some places!
I'm feeling like a b%*ch after that comment. 
I was just a little shocked!
Let me clarify-- Miss MJ--if this is the norm where you're from and the kind of wedding lends itself to uninvited guests coming (like you said, BBQ, sheet cake, etc) then go for it, if you're comfortable. I guess I was thinking more about the social norms around here, and what we're doing specifically for our wedding.
We could have chosen to pick up a bunch of burgers from Costco and a keg and invite anyone and everyone (which is what we're doing for the rehearsal, and what we do for BBQs all the time!) but we chose to have a more formal dinner, which is paid for by the head, and to have seats, cake, etc for the number of people we wanted to invite. This led to some tough choices about guest list, and I would be sad if a bunch of people showed up uninvited, when I could have used those slots for more people I really wanted there...does that make sense?
So if it wouldn't make the bride and groom uncomfortable, to each his own, but I personally wouldn't feel comfortable showing up uninvited.
Wow! This is completely new to me. I'm also from a big city (NYC) and am also used to being formally invited (or not, in which case I wouldn't show up). But it totally depends on the norms of the location - if the informal invite is standard, then I guess I'd go with the flow!
I'd only go to a reception in I were formally invited but it is fairly common in my area to go to the ceremony even without an invite. Clients of my husband, as well as children and relatives of some of our invited guests came to our ceremony but no one came to the reception who wasn't invited. I wasn't offended that uninvited guests came to the ceremony. I was flattered that so many people cared enought to come to the ceremony
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I am so not small town - no invite, no go! I can't believe a pastor would announce to the crowd and invite. What if the couple runs out of food for the invited guests? Or budgets X amount for the alcohol and drinks, and ends up with more guests than invited? oh no. I'm way out of touch with that tradition - people doing that for me or my fam/friends would have me wound super tight and calling security haha.
I can understand if the couple being married at the church is active in the church community, it would make sense to announce it to the parish and invite them to come to the ceremony. But how would ever plan a reception where anyone and everyone in town may show up? The logistics of that would blow my mind.
It's funny how things are different in different areas of the country.
In NY I would often go to a wedding ceremony even if I wasn't invited. Usually it was family friends' weddings or a friend's sibling; I have really fond memories of seeing these people getting married. And it wasn't just me, it's sorta normal to just go to the church (afterall, space usually isn't an issue and there's no food/drink to worry about). That being said, I would never go to a reception without an invite.
Now that I live in the South, I found out that's a major faux pas here. I mentioned a bunch of us going to see my boss' daughter get married and my coworkes were appalled at the idea.
I hope that people come to see me get married, whether they're invited to the reception or not. The more, the merrier.
I am not from a small town and am not familiar with small town customs of people just hearing about a wedding and then saying "are you going?". That being said I put "Sure, but only if it seemed socially acceptable AND I knew the couple well (to avoid offending)." But that's only if it were in a small town where stuff like that happens. Around here I would NEVER attend a wedding unless I received an invitation.
My Pastor does announce ceremonies, especially for those of us who have been attending church there since we were born. I know my wedding ceremony will be open to the congregation, and I'm okay with that. They love my fiance and I, and want to show their support. I've spent many Saturdays in Junior and Senior High drooling over gorgeous brides walking down the aisle.
Reception - that's a whole nother ballgame
I think the small-town, everyone's-invited mentality about weddings is lovely. That said, I have never lived in a place where that mentality prevailed, but it sure does sound good to me. I would trade the agonizing over +1s and exclusive guest lists and head counting in a heartbeat.
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Last night, the mister's friend texted him that another good friend of his is getting married this saturday. He sent us the times and locations of the ceremony and reception. Then... 'u going 2 make it?'
Mr. MJ briefly considered it. This guy was a really good friend of his years ago, but they've lost touch since school. There's no way the bride would have known or thought to invite Mr. MJ (we don't know who she is even) - not having an address for him or any contact info.
He looked at me and knew what I was going to say (and I have to give him tons of credit - he's a 'bee reader as well - and he patiently reads every wedding link i send him). He texted back to the mutual friend that we would not be making the wedding. We didn't want to be THOSE PEOPLE who show up uninvited. Weddings aren't the time to reconnect with old friends anyway. They're far too busy drinking in the joy of the day and enjoying the company of ALL Their guests.
Why am I posting this? Well, it got me thinking. Weddings in my area are generally big, but not "fancy" or too overly organized. People will have the traditional church ceremony and then a reception at a large dance hall (usually a town hall, Legion or other small town gathering space). You frequently get or hear "word of mouth" invites.
"Did you hear that so-and-so are getting married?"
"Yeah the reception's at the Eagles, you goin'?"
"Eh I might make it to the ceremony but not the reception."
"Me, I'm going to the reception at about 7 or so, hey I should ask Marge if she wants to go with me!"
I KNOW I've been to weddings of people I didn't know in my small town - I went to one in high school with a boyfriend - his family was going, so why not! It was an excuse to wear a pretty dress, eat cake and dance.
It brings back the idea of a community celebration. In small counties and rural townships, most families know each other. Weddings AREN'T all about the couple really, they're more about the couple PLUS their families and family friends. There are no head counts: there are buffets + sheet cakes + dancing + a commonly known location. Some of the oldtimers will just stop in to the local gathering hall if they see that wedding festivities are happening: they're pretty positive they'll know at least one of the two families involved!
Are you familiar with the ideals of small-town communities? Some pastors will even announce an upcoming wedding at the end of their Sunday sermon, openly inviting people to attend it. Do you think it's ever OK to show up uninvited to a wedding? Would you feel weird about it, or would you just have to know the couple/the family to be sure whether they'd be offended or not? What if it was your wedding - would you welcome people with open arms, or glare at them disapprovingly?