- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2010
I just need to vent, less I resort to screaming in a pillow. Yep. It’s gone that far.
To start, a little background. My fiance and I come from two very different families, something we actually both love about us. He comes from a very, very, very traditional, wholesome family. Think “Leave It To Beaver”. His parents call every Sunday, both on the phone at the same time, and check in on my FI. They’re very cordial, almost to the point of being “official”, which is fine, they’re great people. They’re the type to throw feelings under the rug, though, for the sake of “keeping up appearances”. My family, however, is the exact opposite. My parents split when I was 13, and I don’t have a relationship with my father or his family. My mom and my step dad are kind of parental figures, kind of not – they’re more like my FI and I’s couple-friends. They love us, support us, but they also go golfing with us, drink and play poker… you get the picture. We have a lot of fun with them, but it’s definitely not “official”.
Another key difference between the families is their attitude on family time. FI’s family is very, well, family based. If FI’s parents call, the world stops. If they hint that they need anything, it’s given. If they hint that they need FI to, let’s say, drive three hours to put something together, it’s done. It’s come to the point a couple times where I’ve actually missed college classes (when I was in school), because they requested FI stay in our hometown and help with renovations when we were planning on driving home. My family, however, is very much more…. I don’t know how to put it. Our time is our time? We still have lots of time together, but we make it convenient for everyone, not just one person (or in this case, one couple).
This issue has sparked a few disagreements between FI and I, since I feel like he should stand up for himself if he doesn’t want to do things (I never suggest that he shouldn’t do things – that’d be overstepping a boundary. But I will back him up if he feels like he’s being taken advantage of, which he, I think, oftentimes is.). I come from a more liberal family where I am able to adultly approach my parents if I feel something is wrong, where as things like that are never dealt with in his. Last night, though, was kind of the breaking point for me.
This Tuesday is our three year anniversary, and we’re both working (he nights, me days), so we won’t see eachother. We decided instead to celebrate this past weekend by going for engagement pictures, dinner, a movie, and a lazy Sunday – time just to be with eachother, as we won’t have much in the next month or so. FI’s mom was coming into town yesterday with friends, so FI had asked her to bring along some sports equipment he needs from home, with the plan just to drop in, pick it up, and come back home to relax for the evening.
FI’s brother called Saturday night, and asked what our plans were. FI explained that we were just going to relax and perhaps watch a movie. FI’s brother then said that we were all to take FI’s mother out to dinner, sometime after six thirty. When FI got off the phone, he was visibly upset. He first of all took a pay cut to take his current job, so money is tight and we can’t afford to go out for dinner a whole lot, and secondly, he felt he was being forced into going along with the plan, even though he was going to take his mother out for dinner when she came into town in another week or so.
Fast forward to yesterday. FI is getting more and more upset about having to leave me at home, how his brother is acting towards him resisting the dinner plan, and worrying that his mother is going to think that he’s insulting her in someway, but worrying that I was mad that… you get the point. He was almost in tears. It broke my heart.
We finally resolved things with him just telling his mom and brother the truth – we had plans, and we’d see her in the next week. End of story. Trouble is, I can see this cropping up a LOT in the future – I feel like he’s constantly being bossed around and taken advantage of by his family, but I feel like if I express my true opinions about what’s going on, I’ll just be pulling him in the opposite direction, and causing more problems.
What’s a girl to do?