(Closed) Oh. My. Good. Lord (vent) (incredi-long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think your FI needs to let his voice be heard. He needs to tell his family he is a grown man and doesn’t need to be told what to do. They need to start ASKING him instead of ordering, especially when it costs money that they don’t know if he has or doesn’t have to spend! I think until he does that it will continue happening.

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well first of all, yes, it’s going to happen a lot in the future. But it sounds to me like it needs to happen.

He does need to start standing up for himself, particularly if he doesn’t WANT to do all this kind of stuff and/or doesn’t have the time for it. Now, if he’s jumping all over doing this kind of stuff, you’d have a different argument at hand. But since it soudns, to me, like he usually feels guilted into this stuff, he needs to put his foot down now. He needs to speak up nect time, let his family know certain times are not convenient, let them know they’re being inconsiderate, or just in general saying NO.

They’ll have to deal. You and your FI have a life together and it doesn’t need to revolve around them so extensively. Especially to the point you miss college classes. I simply can’t get over that. To me, it’s incredibly selfish of them to have made you guys stay for rennovations. Freakin’ hire someone!

Post # 5
Member
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Ugh! What a drag. So sorry you’re going through this.

I’m in a similar boat. My family is very laid back, easygoing, hands off, and my fiance’s family is involved to the point where it sometimes feels suffocating to me.

Personally, I’m trying to keep in mind the most important things as a guide. Maybe this will be helpful to you, too:

– Being respectful toward my fiance’s family.

– Being respectful and mindful of his relationship with his family.

– Making sure that me and my fiance understand each other’s wants and needs when it comes to family, and hoping that we behave in a way that is respectful of each other’s wants and needs.

– And, of course, sticking up for my fiance (when I feel he’s being disrespected) and for myself (when I feel my own space is being encroached upon).

Good luck. It ain’t easy!

Post # 6
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My family sounds a lot like your FI’s. Exactly like them, actually, so I can relate. Especially in the beginning of our relationship it was difficult for me to stand up to my family and tell them “no” when they would try to make me do chores for them at the cost of spending time with him. What was really helpful was having my FI supporting me–he never had any drama about it (never did a “choose me or them!” kind of thing which would have been awful) just kept telling me that I should stick up for myself, my parents and sister are grown-ups and they should be able to take care of themselves, etc., and he also made it clear when he was hurt if I ended up getting stuck doing something for them and inadvertently spending less time with him. It’s not going to go away in the future–this is just how his family is, and you don’t want him to have a bad relationship with them, either–but you can definitely help him and yourself by just supporting him and helping him realize that he doesn’t have to say “how high?” when they say “jump!”

Post # 7
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I understand where he is coming from because my family is like his and my FI is a bit like you.  My family will sometimes call the night before a family b-day dinner and expect me to drop things to go.  My mom makes me feel really guilty when I do this.  Since my grandma just passed away, she guilts me into things even more. 

FI and I both agree that I can’t keep going over there whenever they need me.  I have decided to talk to my parents (more my mom) in away that I think is reasonable and they will understand.  Here goes more or less.

When I was a child, I was a part of their family and their rules.  As a young adult, I was still their child and although I wasn’t at home, family was still my priority.  As a single person, if my parents needed my assistance, it was a lot easier to drop things and help.  I didn’t mind going over and being with them….they are my family after all.  And…being from a strong “family orientated” family…my duties and responsibilities were to my family.

When I marry my FI, we are forming our new family.  My responsibility and duties to my family shift.  I have formed a union with my spouse and therefore will need to put my new family as my priority- above all else: work, friends, etc and this includes my parents and brothers.  

I think my parents will understand that my first priority will be to my husband.  That we are forming a life together. Part of making our life together will be having plans, ex: watching a movie and if they call to invite, they must be aware that I might already have plans.  I won’t be able to drop things and go, like before, because my duty is now to my spouse.

 

Sorry that was long, I think you get my point.  It really is the talk I need to have with my parents so I got carried away. It’s like a practice run for me. But, it truly is how I see our responsibilities in family and I hope it will help you and FI.

Also, I don’t think you’re nagging him.  It seems to me that, you’re 100% in your “family” with him, while he still has his foot in a “family” them while trying to form a “family” with you.   He needs to understand what it means to form a family and what he will need to commit to when the two of you get married.

 (P.S. Also think about the dynamics if you are having children. They will need to have priority in his life too.)

Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You know, better to have this happen during the engagment than during the marriage.

You might want to point out to him (and yourself if you haven’t thought about it) that you are beginning a family together, so that means you put each other first.  And you may be having children one day (God, did I just say that? I sound like a Grandmother!) so it’s important to learn the lesson now instead of when somone else is depending on you two.

You’ll be better off for it in the end!  Hang in there!

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