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Omgsh - I am shaking as I write.
I share a phone plan with my fiance. This is a recent development. He had like 6000 roll overs so we added me to his plan without upping the minutes. Now we are monitoring the usage to make sure we don't go over. Well I normally just get on there - look at the number and log off but I noticed right under the minutes - that he has been texting like CRAZY. He has 2222 texts and i had 432.... and I am an avid texter.
I go into the history and it is the same number over and over
I *67 and called the number - it was a girl named jaimie.
Early in our relationship - i went through this a few time with him. The first time the girl came to tell me about it ( she found out he had a girlfriend) - she said they never had any plans or intentions to meet up - they just flirtily texted back and forth. I confronted him and he admitted he was texting her -- he said he had no intentions to do anything with her - it was harmless - she hit on him at a bar and he responded to texts. He said he flirted and was wrong.
A few other times I caught him with girls numbers and confronted him-- he would deny, say it was so and so-- blah blah blah.
I was ready to give up and then it's almost like - he saw the light. He started puting more into our relationship - we moved in together, we basically never do anything apart - we live with his brother right now, he doesnt go out without me really ever -- unless it is something for work.
what the hell do i do?? Should I call her back and ask for details? Should I confont him? Should I buy one of those reverse Cell phone things and figure out her last name and stalk her on facebook?? What if he says it was harmless texting again -- should I call off this engagement?
HELP HELP HELP HELP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
Here are some things I was thinking:
1. Bring to his attention how much he has been texting and ask whats up?
2. Call girl back and ask for details.
3. Buy reverse cell phone searcher and find her last name and really stalk her to figure out what is going on.
??????????????????
wow. Well. Follow your gut. If you think he's up to no good, he probably is. Confront him. Over 2,000 texts is a lot. Especially if you've had this problem before. That's crazy. If I had given him that many chances and he still was doing this, I'd be done. But that's just me.
You need to confront him. This rings to me like he was looking to get caught. I mean, you're both on the same cell phone plan and watching your minutes, so clearly he knew you were going to see it. And if you've caught him doing this exact thing multiple times, I think you need to evaluate if that's something you're okay with or not. I wouldn't be okay with DH texting some random girl he met in a bar, there's nothing "harmless" about that to me.
Talk to your FI and see what he says, but I would probably call off the engagement. I wouldn't stalk the girl, though, she might not even know he's engaged and you'll just freak her out.
I don't believe in this "harmless flirty texts". That right there would have been a deal breaker for me.
I think you should ask him honestly. Just tell him you saw the number and you want to know whats up.
I think you need to talk to your FI. Stalking this girl is not going to do you any good.
And I really don't think you should be putting her name and number on a world-wide forum like this.
I hope you don't really think stalking the girl is an option...
Confront him and dump him.
First of all, sorry this is happening to you. But before you go "crazy" on some girl named Jaime I think you need to stop this at the source....your Fiance. This happened when you were dating, and it's happening now that you're engaged. Do you want to risk it when you're married and can't go everywhere with him because you're pregnant and/or have babies, or like, a life besides babysitting him at the bar? I think you need to go home and sit down and discuss this with him. Some men are addicted to feeling wanted/needed by other women, and even if this is just a textual relationship can you handle that? I'm assuming not. Calling this girl isn't going to stop your Fiance from thinking this okay, and it's not going to fix what's wrong here. I'd recommend counseling, but honestly, I'd also recommend you really spending some time thinking about whether or not you want to be engaged to/planning a wedding with someone who would do this to you. There's a lot of great men out there, and not all of them will hurt you like this.
OK - Side note -
while he was being an a*shole of a boyfriend a year and a half ago - I obviously had serious trust issues and went through his stuff constantly.
I feel like he will turn it on me immediately and ask why I was going through his stuff.
I know it sounds strange but he has won so many battles with that tiny argument. Its like I want to talk to this girl and have her email me the texts and then show it to him and say she came to me .... I know this sounds immature-- and I need to just grab some balls and talk to him but ... OMG i seriously cant think straight!!!!!
ahhhh.
Don't sneak around. Be upfront and tell him what you did. Ask for answers.
I, like some other bees, believe you should contront him about the texts...just casually bring it up like 'wow babe, you sure did text alot last month...I only used 400 and I text all the time, but you used over 2000!'..just to see what he'll say. Then after that I'd go ahead and mention that you called the number and it was Jamie. I wouldn't put up with that - AT ALL. If this has happened a few times in the past with the same girl, i'd honestly be done with him. He thinks he can get away with it because you've forgiven him every single time. He thinks you will believe anything he says. Thats why he continues to do it. I'd wipe my hands clean of this guy. Let 'jamie' have him. He's obviously never going to change.
Oh my gosh - so you guys think I should call it off.
oh my god.. i need to leave work. I need to get out of here.
Seriously-- YOU ( think about your relationship) YOU WOULD leave him?!!?!? Don't just give me advice that you think is what a woman should do...
i woudl skip the stalking her on facebook part, but i would confront him and it couldnt hurt to put in a phone call to her as well, let her know that yes we are still dating and 2 we are engaged. hopefully that will at least give her perspective into what she is getting herself into. I would FLIP if this was my fiance. in no way shape or form is texting anothe girl ok with me..especially as much as he seems to be doing it. I would seriously take a step back and look at the relationship you are getting into. he has done it before and will probably do it again. Doesnt sound like he is quite man enough to take on the commitment of a marriage. Good luck! and keep us updated, we are here for support! :)
EDIT: Dont let him turn it on you because you didnt do anything sneaky by looking the phone bill. Me and my FI leave all our computer info open so he can look at anything I am doing anytime. I dont care what he looks at and he doesnt care what I look at (I think).
But actually I would suggest just talk to him, no stalking. And be calm when you are talking to him. You will make more progress during the convo if you are not in hysterics. You will have to see what he has to say. Most guys like attention from a flirty girl but your FI shouldnt do anything to hurt you and I think constant flirty texting is totally out of line. 2222 texts is a lot especially if you two are together all the time. He must be sneaky about his texts.
I am also concerned that he was treating you bad in the past. This is another issue you should think about.
@OHNO15: If it was my fiance doing that, yes, I would leave him in a heartbeat because I wouldn't have the trust/respect for him that I currently have.
You've caught him before, you've caught him a *few* times before. Only you really know him. Do you and can you, deep down inside, trust him now that you've seen it again. I don't know how he can talk his way out of it... that is a LOT of texts
It all depends on how you feel and how much bullshit you are willing to put up with in the name of love. If it were me, and it's happened before (if he texted with other girls in the past_... I probably wouldn't be able to trust him and our relationship wouldn't work out anyway. Especially if he's guilty and won't fess up, but instead turns the tables on you. That's not good. If he's willing to text flirt- and not just a little- thousands of texts with this girl and not feel bad about it... what else is he willing to do? He just seems unreliable in that aspect and I wouldn't be able to deal with it.
I would and I did when I was 23. So YES. I would leave him. But it took a long time for me to realize that what we had was really sad, and not some tortured, amazing love I had built it up to be. I woke up one morning and decided I couldn't cry myself to sleep on the bathroom floor anymore and I left. But I spent a lot of time trying to beat that horse back to life, so if you feel like you need to play this game with him some more until you're ready to walk away, do it with your eyes open and without a marriage license.
What kind of job is ok with an employee texting 2200 times a month?
I've gone through the same situation. And yes. I broke off the engagement. And yes. I left. You deserve to be treated better.
I'd say (from the outside of the situation) to bring it up with him first. It sounds like he's done this before - the details about the girl don't matter. Being generally flirty is one thing, but "flirting" that much through text is a much different issue. If he met the same chick for coffee everyday, she at least would assume there was an emotional relationship there. You would too.
Guys can have a non-serious relationship in a way I can't fathom. Guys can have sex-only, flirting-only, talking-only relationships, and legitimately believe it's harmless. But paying another woman that much attention detracts from the specialness of the relationship with his SO - not in his mind, but in the SO's mind. It's kind of like with porn - am I inadequate enough that you have to watch other women having sex? Am I inadequate enough that you have to flirt so much with some other woman just to feel fulfilled? He may not think of it like that, but he has to understand the way it affects YOU. And SHE would feel like he has this special connection with her, like even if they never meet, she still has this text-based (possibly sweet and innocent) romance. That's a feeling only YOU should get about him.
If he understands how this seems to you and the person he's been texting, he'll either stop or he's not worth it. He HAS to respect you in this!
(By the way, you should edit your post so it doesn't include her number.)
if it were my fiance...i would like to say i'd be out in a second but we all know it isnt that easy. i do think you need to re-evaluate your relationship though, he clearly has no repspect for you or the relationship if he is spending all his time texting other women. they say "once a cheater (or texter) always a cheater" i dont like to believe that because i think everyone deserves a second chance but he clearly has had MANY chances and continues to go behind your back. I think you need to think about you and what marriage means to you, because to me its complete devotion to your FI and continuously improving your relationship and commitment to each other and to me it seems to be one sided in that aspect.
Just a thought...maybe you shouldn't post the girl's phone number on the internet? I'll read the rest now and try to offer some helpful advice in a moment.
OMG I am really sorry this is happening to you. Coming from a woman who has been cheated on TWICE (both my major relationships until now) I can tell you that if you are feeling he is doing something he shouldn't and he's now a repeat offender than you are probably right and you need to confront him ASAP! No one deserves to be lied to EVER! I wish you the very best and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
P.S. Don't stalk the chick...she may really truely not know about you.
He gets off work at 1:30 and yes - he does nothing at work- he emails me back and forth all day and apparently texts her all day too.
I am looking at his bill and it looks like this started like 3 days ago.
@sassy411: This is semi-unrelated, but during a journalism internship we had a police officer who was texting his boyfriend (who was married) just about that much. We worked it out so that if he was awake 24 hours of the day, he would still have to be sending about six per minute. It was crazy.
"What if he says it was harmless texting again -- should I call off this engagement?"
I'm sorry that you are going through this, it is an indescribable feeling when you think that the person you love is keeping things from you. I definitely wouldn't call over 2,000 text mesages harmless texting. When he as why you were going through his stuff just tell him the truth....you were checking the minutes and saw that he had sent a ton of text messages and since he wasn't texting you, you were wondering who it was that he was texting. Don't start off the conversation by asking him who Jamie is...just ask him who he is texting. If he lies then you know that he is probably hiding more than just "harmless texting". You don't want to spend your life worrying about your husband talking to other women behind your back so you need to make a stand for yourself and your relationship. If there is nothing going on then you can start your marriage off on the right foot but if there is something going on then you need to know now and you need to know if this is something that you two can work through or not. Hope this helps and good luck in whatever you do!
Based on your side note, I think if you confront him directly, he'll just deny it, pass the blame on to you, and make up some excuse (she's working on some important project with him, etc.). And it will give him the advantage of knowing that you got suspicious, so he can be more careful in the future (e.g. buy a cheap prepaid phone for the texts with her that you would never find out about). Have you noticed him texting excessively in the recent past? If no, chances are he does this when you're not around.
If you want to find out what's going on, there is technology to recover the texts. I don't know the specifics, but if you google, you should find plenty of information. It's not beneficial for the relationship, for sure. But I think you guys are beyond the point where that is a concern. Don't let him know what you're up to. Find proof that he can't deny or talk himself out of, THEN confront him with it, and then run for the hills.
Good luck! And I'm sorry this happened to you. :-(
@OHNO15: So he's sent 2,200 texts in 3 days? That seems REALLY excessive.
I would just talk to him when he got home.
Say "hey, I was looking at our phone bill to see how many mintues were left and saw that you'd been texting a lot. Who are you texting with?"
Give him the chance to come clean. Although since you already called the number, the girl may have tipped him off via text.
Ask him to be honest with you about what it going on.
You had every right to look at the phone bill since you share minutes.
Talk to him first.
Well, first, you need to edit your OP and take that girls number off your post. Would you like it if your number was posted on the net? (BTW, I white pages searched it and it came up as from La Salle IL?)
Second of all, whats the question here? If it were me and my FI was texting another woman thousands of texts? I'd confront him, watch him lie, and then leave his butt. Seriously. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that there a PLENTY of men out there who want to treat me with respect, why stay with the one that doesn't?
@OHNO15:I'm sorry to say, but yeah I would leave. You had the problem, you gave him a chance, and now he's doing the same thing again.
I think: hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on you cause you got a chance and blew it; you won't get a chance to hurt me a third time - if so, shame on me.
BUT. This is what I would do if it happened to ME. I am not YOU, and not it YOUR relationship. Everyone has their own dealbreakers, and for me, this is one where there is no negociation possible. If I can't trust my man, I can't spend my life with him.
Sounds like a great guy. Gets paid for doing nothing all day? What kind of job is this?
@OHNO15: That would break my trust and yes, I would leave him. Anton and I have talked about things like this in a "should this ever come up what would you do" kinda way. He knows that I'm not willing to share.
Regardless of whether he is PHYSICALLY cheating on you, he is definitely EMOTIONALLY cheating on you. That's a heck of a lot more texts then what you had. Even if he texted you 3x for every text you sent him, he'd still have a heck of a lot more texts 'unexplained'.
Don't let him try to pull the "you've been going through my stuff" game on you. This is a SHARED plan that both of you were watching to make sure you didn't go over. This isn't something you were sneaking around to find out. I think some of the other ladies are right. He wanted you to find out.
I'd have a deep down chat with him... but I'd also have a deep down chat with myself and decide whether that is something you are willing to live with for the rest of your life or not. This has proven to be more then just a one time thing and while people can and do change *at times*, there is nothing to indicate that this will be the last time. So you need to go into a decision with the thought that this will NOT be the last time and decide if you can live with that or not. Me personally? Nope. I'd dump him. 3 strikes and you're out buddy!
Well, I have to admit, to me thats a bit of deal breaker, even in my own relationship. Yes, for me in my relationship I would honestly be having talks with him about leaving him. But before it came to that point I would be talking it out with him. Sometimes it's not what it appears to be, sometimes it is.
But every relationship is different, what one person thinks is deal breaking someone else may not. I am not going to give you the advise to leave, but I am going to give you the advise that you both need to work on somethings. I know its easy to want to find everything out you can about this girl, but to be frank thats not healthy for you. You need to take a moment and think, this happened before, now there is a good chance it is happening: Will I be ok with there being a chance it could happen again?
Also, one more thing... I understand that you say he has turned it around on you that you snoop before on account of your trust issues. If he tries to do that again I feel that in this case it started off inocent enough. You were doing something you both agreed to do, check your usage on the phone bill.
Ok I wont stalk her -- thinking a little more clearly. But maybe I should at least call her and tell her he is engaged and we have a lot to sort out and that I wanted her to know. Confront him... threaten our engagement if he tries to turn the tables on me....
You guys -- I know it is hard to see from my eyes -- but I LOVE HIM. We have so much fun together, and do everything together... my heart is seriously aching. What the hell am I supposed to do.
Thanks for the advice so far everyone -- i feel like each of you have really great input.
sigh.
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