OH SH*T…Did I just ruin my relationship? HELP :(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you both are way stressed (you with your mom and he with his ex). You both also have some major issues to work through. I gathered you really don’t truly trust him when you question him being friends with his ex and when you feel the need to know who he’s talking to and looking over his shoulder all the time.

However, it sounds like you guys are on good terms now, and that the fight has ended so let it go. No more apologizing, no more “I will do better.” Just make a personal vow to yourself to try to make this better, however you plan on doing that. This relationship can work, but honestly it is going to be hard becuase you are technically in a relationship with a married man, whether he is getting a divorce soon or not. She is going to be in and out of his life, whether he remains friends with her or not, for a while yet, and you have to accept that. Once everything is said and done if their relationship bothers you, you can then bring up how you feel, but for right now this is something you have to deal with unfortunately.

I wish you all the best. Things will get better. You guys just had a really shitty week.

Post # 4
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Tatertot2003:  I think it sounds like you are desperate to keep this relationship. Desperation is a very unattractive trait. I want my man, but I don’t need him. I think there is a huge difference. You brought up a valid concern you have – I wouldn’t want my man to be buddy buddy with his exes either (unless they have kids, and then I wouldn’t be dating him anyway). Just because he doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean it can turn it all around and make it your problem and your issue. Every time you disagree, is he going to start questioning the relationship and acting like a douche canoe?

I would be the one pulling back from him. I know a lot of bees are onboard with the buddy buddy exes, but I am not. I would be questioning being with someone who thought that was cool. The past is in the past for a reason and sexual, intimate relationships don’t often translate into friendships without one person being left feeling hopeful about reuniting. I think he is just as much to blame as you are, and that you two really need to work on communicating. It is not about winning or losing but doing what is best for the relationship. I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t put me first, every time.

Post # 5
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

Every relationship has its off days, off weeks etc where it just seems like shit just can’t get right. You both have a part in this week’s craziness, move on from it. Make a pact with yourself to not mention it again, I agree with the PP, stop apologizing, stop saying you’ll do better…just try and do it and your actions will prove all of that.

Post # 6
Member
1116 posts
Bumble bee

@Tatertot2003:  honestly, I dont think you overreacted. He sounds too controlling. he should want to be with you even when things aren’t “fun and upbeat”. He really puts all the blame on you and makes you feel responsible for all the bad in relationship, that’s not what a partner should to do to his othet half. Doesn’t sound like he supports you at all either. He wants things to be the way he wants, that isnt someone you should build your life around. Sorry you are in this situation, I think you would be better off. You should never feel guilty for being emotional when things are tough. 

Post # 7
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Tatertot2003:  It does sound like the two of you got really upset and aired everything at once, which is never a good idea. My SO and I had a vile conversation in which we did just that about a month ago, and it didn’t affect our relationship much at all– but we have been together for 4 years, and know each other very well.

It kind of sounds to me like you and your SO are still getting to know the darker sides to each other’s personalities, and are not really enjoying it (who does?!).  It is extremely unfair and not very nice of him to lump you together with all the “crazy girls” he’s been with, including his almost-ex-wife. You are allowed to be upset about all the things you were upset about; I think he could afford to be a lot more understanding and to try not to let your reactions to things push his buttons, which are there (the “buttons,” that is) because he has a lot of emotional baggage right now.

I don’t like it that he reacted like that to you being upset. I would be worried about how he would act in the future, with behavior like this. Yes, perhaps you were overly emotional about things, but he shouldn’t judge you so harshly for it unless you were truly attacking him, and it doesn’t sound like you did. You just aired a valid desire– that he not stay friends with his ex, who is clearly causing a LOT of problems. I would want the same thing, in your position, but I don’t believe in staying friends with exes at all.

I am also concerned that you mentioned drinking 15 beers in 4 hours. I’m sure you know that’s too much– but if he sees you doing things like that, he may feel you are lacking a bit of maturity or responsibility, which may not encourage him to be as respectful as he could otherwise be. That’s a lot of alcohol and I do hope that this is one of the things about yourself that you’re working on changing. 

I guess it sounds to me like there are valid concerns here on both your parts; you shouldn’t blame yourself for making the relationship less solid, by any means, since his reactions to you seem like thet were not very mature and triggered not by you, but by baggage he has and needs to get through on his own, without sucking you in. And I can see that he might be afraid, from the drinking and your emotional-ness, that you aren’t as stable or something as he used to think (??? Not sure if I’m making an accurate guess here).

You do love each other, so I think it is completely possible to make it through this, as long as it is not becoming a pattern. The scariest relationship problems, which are an immediate red flag to me, are those that keep popping up over and over. Please be on the lookout for this kind of repetition of the same problems or concerns, because that’s where one sees real reason for the relationship to end. 

I think the biggest thing I see in this is that he is not over his ex yet, and you are not OK with that. That’s going to cause a fair amount of friction, and you guys will need to work hard on communicating more clearly and consciously to get through that.

Wow, sorry that was so long. I hope at least some of it is helpful! You’ve had a hard week, maybe that’s making things seem scarier than they really are, but do think carefully about things!

 

 

Post # 8
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@megz06:  I agree with what you said, in addition to my very long-winded reply. 🙂

Post # 9
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@MrsPanda99:  YES MrsPanda, I completely agree with you about the exes thing.

Post # 12
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@MrsPanda99:  LOL on the hugging thing indeed!

Sorry OP, back on track now. 🙂 MrsPanda99 and I both object to close relationships with exes, including hugging them in social situations– that’s what that was about, from an old thread.

Post # 13
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sometimes the crap has to hit the fan… I think a number of us have had those days, weekends, etc. when it is all laid bare.  Just don’t bring it up again and work on changing the things you need to. 

Post # 14
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Tatertot2003:  I think its totally valid for you to not want his ex in your guys lives. This post bothers me A LOT . For me personally calling me crazy is one of the most hurtful things you can do. And instead of comforting you he told uou yo leave. I would not be okay with that. I think you need to pull back a bit. Get some space. I know how it feels to atruggle to breathe when a SO is upset with you. To feel the claeing desparation to make sure things ate okay and they still lov you. Its not healthy. It really messes with your self worth. Everytime you are upset you are going to worry that hes gonna tjink you are crazy. You’re going to question your own valid feelings. Maybe im projecting, but I honestly do think some distance that YOU initiate would be in your best interest

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