Post # 1
kelmb’s post couldn’t have come at a better time, but I didn’t want to take over accidentally. I’m getting married in June and this past weekend I got to see my FI. I’ve been moody and anxious ever since I dropped him off at the airport! Such a crab butt and I can’t shake this mild depression and moody blues I’m in. I get to see him over Memorial Day weekend in 6 weeks…and then the two days leading up to the wedding. That’s it! Then we’re married! We’ve been together over 4 years, and it’s not like there are any surprises coming. I totally know what I’m getting myself into, 100%. I love him so much and I honestly cannot imagine my life without him there to brighten it up and make it crazy. But man, I’m getting nervous and I HATE to say it but part of me goes "omg did i make the right decision?" and honestly, I want to analyze every single little thing because I don’t want to *miss* something important that, 10 years down the road, I look back and say "ooo that should have been a sign" or something stupid. I have a few friends engaged and they’re just 24/7 giddy, which is getting kind of annoying. They’re also not near as close to their wedding date as I am….< 2.5 months to go, right? Eep. Also, they’ve all been together for about a quarter of the time my FI and I have, but I miss the puppy love stage and feel like I should be IN that stage barely 10 weeks till my wedding. Not that that’s realistic though, right? Anyways, I went mentally nit-picking at my FI this weekend, but I can’t find anything legitimately negative about him! I know it’s just the pre-wedding jitters and it’s all stupid stuff, like how my routine was different when he was in town, or how we ate XYZ for dinner instead of ABC. For example, instead of getting up on Saturday, having coffee, watching tv, email, weddingbee, gym, etc, my FI kidnapped me to the bed for cuddles and whatnot. And it annoyed me! Or how I had to use the guest bathroom instead of mine because he was in mine. Just really, really dumb stuff like that. Things are going to change and I almost don’t know if i want them to! It took me SO long to adjust from living with a roommate in college to living by myself, and now I’m getting ready to adjust to having a husband around. Aaaagh, it’s overwhelming suddenly. I was great until this weekend. I know I’m doing the right thing and what I want to do, but for some reason my moodiness surrounding this past weekend is something I can’t shake.
Advice, opinions, ‘been there done that’ stuff? I really didn’t think I would be one of those jittery brides after being with him for so long, but here I am! And I want this feeling to go away. It’s putting a big damper on my life right now. And it’s not like I can just go do something fun with my FI…he lives 16 hours away. Thanks!
Post # 3
ejs4y8 — I haven’t gotten married yet, but I can totally relate to the relationship you have with your guy. FI and I went to college together but then when we graduated I went to CNY and he went down to DC (thats a good 7 hours away). We did pretty good on the talking every day and monthly visits, and everytime we’d part I’d get very melancholy. I then moved to Philly, he stayed in DC (3 hours but still, our schedules weren’t very flexible). I know what you mean though, I’d feel so excited to see him (since we didn’t see each other often) but then I would get frustrated or antsy if I couldn’t have my normal routine. Even when I moved down to DC (finally) I always felt bad if I wanted some "me" time, ya know? Then, he got another job that required him to do OOT training and it’s been tough not being together all the time. He too likes to cuddle in bed while I’m ready to get some work done.
But then I snap myself back and realize that I am incredibly lucky to have a guy who loves me so overwhelmingly. He always forgives me if I need time to myself and is it really that big of a deal if I don’t get to watch tv, check my email, go to the gym later.
You are completely normal and I really do think its just jitters of sharing your time and space with another person. But in the long run, but there’s nothing better!
Post # 4
You’re totally normal! 🙂 These are just regular ol’ jitters. Are you a jittery sort of person? Also, it annoys me too when my husband disrupts my routine, even when he does it for something fun or cute. Moving in together after the wedding (and being in the same city) will be a big adjustment, but you can handle it, just like you handled previous adjustments. Don’t be afraid for things to be different, and don’t be afraid if you aren’t 100% thrilled about the changes. Change is hard, but hopefully worth it.
Also, I’m sure your friends are not at the peak of excitement 24/7. You don’t hang out with them 24/7, do you? And when you talk about your engagement/marriage with most people, don’t you act excited? They probably act excited for you too when in reality their emotions are much more mixed. I know I didn’t admit how nervous I felt to really anyone. It seemed taboo to admit that I was feeling really awful—even though I knew that was normal for me and not a Big Sign of Distress—so I kept mum. You are not alone in this!
Post # 5
I think there’s this totally false idea that once you get engaged all your problems melt away and you turn into this perfect person who never worries about things or has to go through big life adjustments. And that’s just not true. The fact of the matter is that getting married is a BIG deal! It’s a huge adjustment, just like moving away from your parents for the first time or living on your own. Making this big of a commitment to this step in your life is bound to cause all the same uncertain and uncomfortable feelings as other life chnaging moments. Not only is it normal to feel like this, I think it’s a testament to how seriously you’re taking marriage and the commitment to your Fi. Think about it, if your Fi meant nothing to you, or if you didn’t seriously believe in marriage, would you even care about his flaws?
Also, I think it’s ok that you’re not still in the puppy love stages of your relationship, even only a couple months from your wedding. Relationships go through changes. I know that I sometimes wish my Fi and I were back in those early romance stages, but then we share an inside joke or say the exact same thing at the exact same time and I realize that I’d much rather have this connection. Maybe we’re not as passionate or lovey dovey as other couples, but I’d much rather have this super strong, super close relationship than have the puppy love anyway. And it’s very possible that your friends feel the same way you do (or will feel this way closer to their weddings) but are afraid to let people know. They might just be keeping up the image of the "engaged woman" that everyone expects instead of openly dealing with their emotions.
One thing that I think has really helped me is reading the book "What Nobody Tell the Bride" by Marg Stark. If you have a chance, I really recommend picking this book up. It’s a quick, easy read all about adjusting to married life and dealing with the emotions that come along with making this step. In fact, if anyone on here wants my copy, I’d be happy to send it to you. I’m done reading it, so just PM me.
Post # 6
Thanks ladies! I know it’s normal but it’s driving me NUTS! Yes, i’m normally a relatively anxious person. And I HATE how bummy i get after he leaves. I’m such a chipper person and this *cloud* is a HUGE damper on my week. It’s like i didn’t take advantage of every single little second we could have spent together. But I can’t do that anyways without going insane! In fact, Saturday I ditched him at 9am for a step class. I needed it. He was cool, read his book, no problems.We’ve lived together before…but there’s something about the whole long distance thing that makes you SUPER independent and question your ability to be able to cohabit with sanity. Which is weird…because now we have a house and we used to share a teeny tiny little apartment.
I’m sort of over the ridiculously excited stage in general. I’m sure I annoyed all my friends 4 months ago when I was all "weeeeee" all the time about my wedding. It’s their turn, LoL. But I feel like I’m missing out, even though I totally know better and am perfectly content in my own relationship which is all that matters anyways!
I did read your post about that book Mrs. Spring and I ordered a copy through the library! I also picked up the Chicken Soup for the Bride’s soul for myself as a pick-me-up. Maybe other peoples’ stories will help me get over this *hump*. In the meantime, I’m defintiely over-focusing on it. I don’t want to, but it’s consuming my day! I can barely focus at work! And I want to just "let it go", you know?
As a side note, I also bought my FI a copy of "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" LoL. I mean, REALLY?!?!? What a dorky boy thing, right? And the Hungry Girl’s 200 recipes under 200 calories book…man, my company discount sure makes me buy more stuff! I guess that’s the point, riiight?
Post # 7
I agree with all of the above. This sounds pretty normal (and I’m a couple months after you, but finding myself there as well). That said, I do think it’s always, always a good idea to make sure you know what your subconscious is telling you. Nothing you’ve written sounds like anything but pre-wedding jitters, but is there anyone (good, preferably married, friend) that you can talk to about where your jitters stem from? B/c there is something there, and if nothing else it’ll help you to better adjust to being married if you can identify it.
To me it sounds mostly like being nervous about sharing your space and losing your "me" time and routine. That might mean just that, or it might mean that for you you’re worried that getting married will cut in on your independence. Both are pretty normal, and neither is a deal breaker. But if you know that you are having issues sharing your privacy and space beforehand, it might help you put things in perspective in future interactions when you’ve, say, been locked out of the bathroom every morning for a month straight.
Post # 8
LoL, when my FI locks me out of the bathroom….i don’t WANT to go in there, trust me! I’m not usually weird about sharing my space which is why this irks me so much…..it’s just kind of "hitting me" suddenly. I’m wound real tight in general this week, and this is probably just the icing on the (wedding) cake, haha.
It’s classic Type A Engineer Personality unfortunately
Post # 9
Hehe…tell me about that. I actually have pretty much told my FI that he *has* to use the guest bathroom for, ahem, more extended use 😉
And sharing space for short term is really different than contemplating doing so for the rest of your life. It’s okay to wig out a little, especially if youhave a lot of other stress in your life at the same time. I would just allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling without judging it as being bad to feel crabby or thinking it’s unusual for it to be worrying you now. I seriously find that saying things out loud really helps release the feelings (maybe like a dictaphone?). And writing it up on these boards is a pretty good way to release the feelings as well:)
Post # 10
haha, concur. My FI has banished me to the guest bathroom for that reason, so I think we should just call it a poop toilet from now on, lol. Sometimes it’s nice to just get it out there on a board and relax a little. It’s better than keeping it all bottled up, which I’ve done for a few days and I’m not any better off. I’m not being productive at work! My FI told me to give him a call on his lunch break and he’d smooth it over a little. He said he hasn’t had the jitters yet, but by *yet* that means he will, haha. There’s nothing in particular I’m all wound up about…just kinda…..eeeeeee, you know? I guess it’s just one of those things. If I don’t kick this by this weekend I think I’ll go book myself a massage or something, get my nails done, etc, without trying to spend too much money. I alwyas feel guilty spending money on ME if it isn’t a dire water or bread necessity. I’m hoping the act of doing something good for myself that isn’t a requirement like work, gym, eating, shower, cleaning, etc, will be good for my spirit
Post # 11
Well hello all! I am new to this site (fairly) been reading alot but never posted. I understand the jitters big time. I am getting married May 1, 2009, yup a Friday night wedding with 170 of our closest family and friends. We do not live together and wont until after the wedding, and honeymoon of course. And lately I have been scared to death. Don’t know why, can’t explain it and he doesnt understand. He says he is not scared at all. Not sure if I believe him or not lol. 17 days and counting we will just have to wait and see how it all works out. Ill keep you posted. Thanks for all the other great posts and for letting me vent.
Post # 12
It sounds like the annoying stuff is what happens when the newness of a relationship wears off, whether you’re already married or still dating. Four years sounds about right. It might be a bit unfortunate that you are in a more "settled" place in your relationship when you get married, but I think when the wedding roles around, some of those "butterfly feelings" will emerge.
You are stepping into a new phase in life. It’s a big change. But you’re doing it with the guy you love. You’ll adjust to all of those annoying things. It’s a great exercise in learning to role with the punches. You have to do a lot of that too when you have kids etc. You might not ever fall in love with the fact that hubby leaves the toilet seat up or squeezes the tube of toothpaste from the middle, but that’s not the important stuff. And you’ll get used to it.
Try to take some time to think about how your life would be if he wasn’t in it at all, or somehow no longer in it. No doubt marriage is work. And sometimes it is work to be excited for couply things. But really it’s the best.
Good luck. You’ll be great.