(Closed) Ohhh the agony!

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

((HUGS)) i would just tell him something like oh i think it’s so cool how angelina and brad adopted those kids (or someone who adopted).  how would you feel about us adopting after we’re married. or i would like to at least be married for a year or two before i’m a mom, and i definitely want to start trying at 33 to get pregnant or adopt, what do you think.  they’re hints but it’s not like MARRY ME NOW!

i so know where you are at with the big 3-0.  My birthday is next July and i hear an imaginary clock just ticking and tocking.

Post # 4
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

Well first off, welcome!  Always happy to lend my two eyes Smile 

I don’t know that I have too much advice to give because I am still in the waiting stage myself.  The one thing that helped ease some of my anxiety was communicating my feelings to him.  Think about what you really want to say to him, ultimatums aside, and as hard as it is, talk to him about how you feel.  You may be surprised to hear his side, or even learn that he didn’t (or doesn’t) realize how important this is to you.  Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

The one bit of advice I can give you is too just talk about it with him. My relationship is like yours but backwards. My fiance is the talker while I keep everything to myself. Not a good idea when something is bothering you.

Don’t push it off and push it off waiting for him to say anything. Because it’s going to be like shaking a can of soda. And the last thing you want is you to explode and the conversation you have about getting married is a fight because you’re upset and can’t take it anymore.

Just sit down and talk to him. Don’t force him, don’t give him an ultimatum….tell him how you feel and tell him that you really need to know where he stands on this.

Just whatever you do don’t hold it in any longer. It’ll turn into bitterness and/or resentment.

Post # 6
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

welcome to the hive!

hmm, advice…whenever i start to feel myself getting worked up over waiting or wondering where our relationship path was going, my boy seemed to sense it and always starts the discussion for our future, mainly letting me know what he’s thinking. it’s such a HUGE relief to know that he’s thinking of things. so maybe you guys should start talking a bit more concrete? you don’t need to know a specific timeline or date, just the reassurance that he’s thinking of it.

though it does sound like he has. his friends and family seem to think something’s up. but i think it’s important that you know what’s going on, seeing how his decisions directly affect you.

i hope this helps. i know a lot of the other bees here will chime in with fantastic advice as well so you’re definitely in the right spot. good luck!

Post # 7
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

It seems like you could/should really just have a frank discussion about what’s going on. It isn’t like you’d be nagging him or pestering him, it would be the first real discussion! If you’re really uncomfortable with that route I suggest the following:

Mention that you want to think about kids in your early thirties and you want to be married for a bit before that.

 

Next time he brings up buying a place, tell him you’d love to buy a place with him but you’re uncomfortable making that type of financial commitment before you have a commitment in your relationship.(This is how I kind of hinted to my bf that I was ready. I had always said I’d never own a place if I wasn’t married or at least engaged. Then this spring I asked if he might want to consider looking at houses next year. He said yes, and I have the word he’s currently ring shopping!)

Post # 8
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Hi! Welcome to the Hive!

I think this is a man that you clearly love and that you have had a very long term relationship with– 3 years is definitely serious enough to begin talking about issues like marriage. I think its odd that this topic hasn’t come up before this point. If you were 19 or something it might be different, but you are both mature adults– don’t you think its strange that you two haven’t discussed the future much beyond the immediate moment?

I don’t mean that in a critical way, my boyfriend is very quiet also. Sometimes its like pulling teeth to get him to talk about a subject. I just wonder why you haven’t felt comfortable enough talking about this topic with him. Are you afraid that bringing up marriage might scare him? If he is comfortable enough to joke about it, I doubt that is the case. You must find a way to talk about where your relationship is headed with your boyfriend. If you can’t discuss the possibility of marriage with your boyfriend of 3 years at age 30, how will you two handle other difficult subjects in the years to come? Is there more to the story that we don’t know?

I would suggest broaching the topic in a serious way– not offhanded or joking, but not confrontational. Explain to him that you really love him, you have no doubt that he is the one fo ryou, and you would love to know where he sees your relationship going. The fact that you are on the boards with the rest of us shows that you are uneasy in some way about the idea of talking to him– but none of us can really guide you or help until you do just that.

Please keep us posted on how this turns out– you seem to really care for him, it will all work out for the best.

Post # 9
Bee
13714 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

I think it’s time to be direct.  I went through something similar before I got engaged, and when I finally confronted my bf about it, he told me that of course he wanted to marry me, but he wanted the proposal to be a surprise and that’s why he would “ignore me” every time I subtly tried to bring it up.  I felt a ton better after we talked, although I still had a few months of waiting to do!

Post # 10
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’ve been with my man , for 5 yrs ..i was getting antsy at 3 ..lol..espec since by that time i was “part of the family”…lol ..his mother would throw hints , and of course i would throw a few hints here and there …when we’d go shopping , i would show him what rings i liked ..lol..or i would put the tv show Bridezilla on and mention how pretty that wedding was or something ..lol … and if he doesn’t say anything then ….then you start asking where he sees u guys ? Don’t be afraid of talking about ur feelings or thoughts , because most likely he’s probably feeling the same ….If its meant to be ..it will happen and when it does ,you can celebrate with us 🙂

Post # 11
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

i agree with the pps’ who’ve said it’s time to talk to him about where things are going. i’m still waiting too–we’ve been together 3 years as well, but are a little younger (25 and 27). we’re both nonconfrontational and he’s really quiet about his feelings. and we had a similar thing about first using bf/gf labels–about 3 months into dating he got a facebook account, and listed me as his gf 😉 anyway, around our last anniversary, i started getting really, really anxious about whether we were on the same page and whether he was seriously thinking about marriage or not. it had been implied for a long time that we will be together forever–we’re really part of each other’s families, live together and own a car together, are puppy parents together, etc. we’d make jokes about “future stuff” or talk about it really hypohetically. i finally brought up my anxieties and really asked him if he was seriously thinking about the next step, in a direct, nonpassive way (whereas before i’d fished around about timelines for kids or something like that), and it made all the difference. i don’t have a perfect “happy ending” kind of story yet–he hasn’t asked yet!–but i feel about a million times better about us and don’t feel like everyday i’m waiting on pins and needles for signs that he wants to marry me.

Post # 13
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

What types of movies do you watch?  Can you perhaps watch a movie with kids in it and bring it up that way? Do you have any friends that have kids or are getting married? A coworker? I would say you know I overheard some crazy women talking about making engagement chicken for their boyfriends to get them to propose, isn’t that insane (lmao since I’m the one that started that thread btw).  The women all had different ideas about how long they should be together before marriage, some said a year others said 3-5 years and others said 7 or more.  From a man’s point of view how long do you think people should get together before they are engaged?

Post # 14
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I second the idea about movies. I think that’s a really easy way to bring things up (and I may have used this before!). You could also go the joking to not joking route. For example, I had the following convo with my bf when I wanted to feel him out on the kids issue (I didn’t really plan this out but it started going this way and I rolled with it). Condensed for consiceness:

me: OMG you left your phone at home again didn’t you? That drives me absolutely nuts.

him: Yea, sorry.

me: you know if we ever have kids i’m stapling it to your forehead right? cravings for pickles and premature labor are equally important for those nine months and i expect undivided attention

him: that sounds kinda painful. wait, kids?

me: yea, don’t you want to have a kid or two?

him: ummm i dunno. maybe 1?

me: I don’t want to be old and alone! you’ll die before me and i need someone to visit me in the home

him: why do i die first?

me: you’re the guy. plus you eat crap.

him: oh. well by that time they’ll have robots to take care of you and keep you company.

me: umm not the same. i think i would rather have a kid.

him: ok i guess. but just the 1

me: no way, only kids are weird. if we have 1 we have 2.

him: maybe

me: *giving him the look*

him: OKAY. two. but then i’m gettin the snip and i don’t wanna hear a WORD.

 

obviously a summary. but you get the idea… the whole thing was done in a very joke-y way… but he kinda sees what i’m thinking now ya know? I got the issue out there on the table. maybe do something like that for a wedding? like oh btw when we get married your crazy aunt zebra can’t come or something and see what he says 🙂

Post # 16
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Perfect with her being preggers btw!!! You can say something like how many years do you think will be between her kid and our kids and/or I wonder what the baby will call me, it would be odd if they called me aunt and we’re not married yet, what do you think.

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