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This is going to sound super corny, but time heals all wounds. The only way I've even been able to move on is just by letting time go by. I say just focus on your life now without ex-fi, and concentrate the good things in your life. Let that negativity go by just ignoring it.
I guess a "glass of wine and deep breaths" isn't the answer you're looking for?...=\
I think you need to cut off all communication with him. Time will make things better and it's better if you don't see him because every time you do, you just seem to spew out your hate toward him.
I know where you are coming from. My Ex-husband and I were together for 10+ years and it was rough the first couple years we were apart. I def. went through the 12 steps..I lingered on "anger" for awhile. lol
My suggestions:
Try not to run into him (I know this is hard if you live in a small town. But stay away from places you know he visits)
And if you do see him, leave. He hasn't won because you left. You probably don't like the way the other night turned out when you stayed and talked to him. It would of probably been better if you just turned around when you saw him.
Treat him like a stranger, you can say HI, smile etc, but it doesn't do any good to actually talk to him..
Don't text him, or call him. Period. It's a losing battle with it. He's never gonna get it.. and you are just going to delay the hurt by talking to him.
It's tough when you loved someone and thought you were spending the rest of your life with them. :(
Just try to separate yourself from him.
It is true, time does heal all wounds.. it just might take awhile.
good luck.
How do you get over it? You realize that you've grown from this and that he was there for some sort of life lesson.
My ex was my husband, and we were married for almost a decade when he decided to turn into a mini version of a famous pro golfer known by one name. How did I get over that and him not only betraying me, but plunging me into financial ruin? I worked through it.
You realize that while the guy may have done something wrong to you, you're better than that, better than the reasons that you left him for. That you needed something else in your life..you needed you, and in leaving him, there was some personal growth.
I had two years of not dating at all after divorcing him, and it really allowed me to get to know who I am again, and I did tons of soul searching and I believe the hardships made me into a stronger woman and a better mother too.
Just know that poor woman hanging all over him may be in for the same ride you were in for too. My ex's wife, whom he married within days of our divorce, is now divorcing him too, for the exact same reasons, except he's nastier to her than he was ever to me. She and I are friends now, wierd I know, but it wasn't her fault.
Embracing the personal growth that came from the pain is to me, the reason and the way you can overcome this and move on permanently.
Maybe I'm missing some background info here, but from your profile pic and wedding date, it looks like you're happily involved with someone else?
You know the quote "The best revenge is living well"? While I don't necessarily believe in the revenge part, I think if you focus on what you have now, it's for the best. Anger and hate take a lot of energy that he obviously isn't worth.
I think if you think of your energy as a finite resource, and that ever ounce you contribute toward him is energy taken away from something worthwhile, it's easy to let it go.
Look at me all zen this morning... LOL
Erase him from your phone. Try not to run into him, and don't talk to him if you do. You will forget that he ever existed over time, but I have found that seeing someone again or talking to them just resets the clock "back" by a few months every time it happens. For example, even writing this post makes me want to google my ex from a painful break up! But I'm going to resist. whew.
I think it kind of depends on the guy (ex) as well. If either one feels strongly towards the breakup then it hard to find peace.
I dated my best friend in college for 4 years. He was my EVERYTHING. He was my BFF, attractive, an artist, musician and just knew how to do or say the right things to make a girl addicted to him (TMI..but he was also very good in bed). We were always dreaming about getting married...or so I thought. However he was emotionally abusive and came with A LOT of baggage which gradually drove me insane. He'd put me on emotional rollercoaters, I felt like I was doing all the work and chasing him. But I always chose to not see the bad things and hung onto the good.
Through the 4 years we were together he cheated on me at least 4 time which I caught, I learned later after we broke up that he had 4 more girls that I didn't know about and I'm sure there are more I never will know about.He started cheating on me around 2 months after we started dating. Then we broke up then he'd come crawling back on his knees begging for forgivness. I kept taking him back. He cheated on me with his ex (he would call her every week and talk for hours), with girls online, on the phone (it's like a 1800 dating line), old flames and flings, young high school girls you name it.
In the last year of this miserable relationship I met someone else. I must have been desperate for feeling appreciated so just like that I was cheating on my ex. Despite how my ex treated me I still felt guilty.
One day I was strong enough to dump my ex via email. I knew if I let him talk to me I would get soft so I protected myslef by disappearing (would not answer his calls, emails whatever).
But was I still mad? YES! A year after not talking to him he found me and wanted closure but I was still mad.
I took me 4 years to be able to be have a small conversation with him without feeling upset. I heard from other people that his life was going downhill and I felt like he had already been punished by karma so I tried not to hate him.
Sorry for the long story but I guess what I'm saying is, closure didn't really work for me until I was "ready" for closure. The best was avoiding him totally and NOT following his life stories (no FB, no gossipping) just pretended he didn't exist. If I ever looked him up I would always be competetive like "oh your new girlfreind is not as hot as me haha" or "how could you do that! that was OUR coffee shops!" etc.
You just have to trust that your higher power, universe, whatever have you, has a better life path in store for you. That's what I felt.
You move on because you have to. Staying in the past keeps you chained to hurt and sadness. You cannot embrace change or your new life if you keep looking back. My grandma told me that I'd never be happy again until I figured out why me being alone was better than being married to my ex and she was right.
I figured that out after about a month of being separated that I was better off.
We are creatures of habit imho, and sometimes we are afraid of change. Would they love us as much, could we ever love again, could he/she do this to me again? You are just used to the situation you are in and I was told (another "ism" from my grandma) "you're just used to the devil you DO know and are scared of meeting somebody for fear of them being a devil you DON'T know. Odds are you will be much better off". That's another gem she used to say when I was newly single.
You've gotten some absolutely wonderful advice, I just wanted to add that words cannot express how much I think you should delete his number from your phone. And if you're friends on facebook, myspace, twitter, whatever, get rid of those too.
I personally think the closure thing is BS. Cut off communication and avoid seeing him, and like a PP said time will heal all.
i have to agree - it truly is all about "time"...
my husband is the most wonderful incredible man - and you'd think that he and his love for me would take away all the hatred I have towards and ex - and after 3.5 years of him and I being together - i would say it probably has - however...my ex (who i honestly only even dated for 2 months) hurt me so bad, emotionally, that I literally cried over him for 4 months straight - and even when I met my now husband (6 months after the breakup) it still hurt how hurt I had been from the previous relationship - and literally took me another year - even while I was with someone so incredible and new - to get over my feelings for my ex.
there are still times that I have dreams about him and i would love to see him in the street and just punch him in the face for how bad he treated me during the breakup (nothing physically abusing - just emotional)...and more it was probably that I realized I was mad at myself for LETTING myself get involved so fast and fall so hard AND fast for someone - and then how long i took TO get over him...but yeah - it does take a long time and "time heals all wounds".
That was the last one. My very first boyfriend - from high school - dated him for 8 months - he dumped me literally like the week before I started college - and it took me 5 YEARS to get over him!
I hope things get better for you!
My ex and my current boyfriend were very good friends, and when I broke up with ex-BF, current BF literally shouldered all of my breakdowns because my ex was going through a major depression/drama phase by turning into an alcoholic.
Anyway, barely 5 months later, ex-BF was seeing someone his family thought would be good for him, but he was also simultaneously doing his assistant at work AND sleeping with call girls. I know this because he would call my current BF to talk to him, not to spite me, but just to touch base in the way guys do. It was a real mess.
I kept thinking this was my fault somehow, because while he went through the emotional rollercoaster, I stayed happy and stable with my current BF, his best friend. Then, suddenly, like nearly a year afterward, ex-BF suddenly turned nasty towards current BF ( again, not towards me, just him) and they parted ways.
Late last year, ex-BF got married to that same woman, despite the fact that he doesn't "love" her (his exact words to her) and despite the fact that SHE knows he's been cheating on her...
(one of his flings wrote her a long email with pics and then confronted her about it)
This is one of those instances where I'm not even sure closure would have helped. It was an event which left scars on everyone, and time hasn't healed them, just dulled the pain.
Thank you all so much for all of the advice and sharing your stories.
I think I've realized part of the reason that I am so angry, besides him cheating on me multiple times.... I moved 2,000 miles away from my family to be with him. And I'm getting really homesick right now (haven't seen them since christmas) and I resent my ex for "tricking" me into coming here to just cheat on me and break my heart. And last night before going out I was crying at home because I REALLY miss my family, I missed my nephews birthday, my youngest nephew's 1st birthday is next month and I just feel like I'm missing SO much! So when I saw him out just a few hours after that I couldn't take it... It's HIS FAULT I MISS THEM! (yes I know thats not quite rational... but is anything after you've been drinking??) And besides the fact that we were supposed to get married next month... It was just bad timing.
And I will probably always be angry with him... and I wish I didn't live in a such a small town so I didn't have to see him even just every few months... And I wish he was a little nicer in the fact that he knows my boyfriend owns that bar... So WHY must you go THERE with your flavor of the week on your arm (who you KNOW your dating but never want to admit because then you'd be cheating on her all the time... if you say your single it isn't cheating?) when you know there is a REALLY GOOD chance I'll be there. It's just him being an asshole, but why would I expect anything less?
Anyway, Thank you all SO much for being so helpful. I really needed that!
Delete his phone number and push him out of your thoughts. Just cut off all communication and if you see him out, ignore him. It's super hard and it won't be easy but you and your FH deserve to be happy. Your ex is toxic and a waste of mindpower.
It will get easier as times goes on, focus on your new life and consider yourself lucky that you dodged that bullet! And don't hate the girl that's hanging all over him, that negativity will just eat you from the inside out and you don't want that.
Whenever you get the urge to text him/think about him/talk to him/ daydream a gruesome death for him.... think of your FI and if you'd want him consuming his thoughts with ex's...
Good luck!
Good luck! The first time I saw my ex with his gf, even though it was completley my desicion to break up with him and I had my wonderful bf who's now my wonderful hub, I hate to admit it but I cried and felt angry. Luckily my bf didn't get angry with me and comforted. On my part it was completely nonsensical except that change is hard.
But I would definately recommend getting the ex out of your phone and distance yourself. Yours is a slimeball, if you're ever at a bar again and see him then leave and go to another one. Distance Distance Distance! You've said everything you can say to him at this point so just leave it at that and get him out of your phone. And like other bees have said, eventually time will make it OK, that even bad decisions can help you grow into a better person if you learn from them, which it sounds like you have.
For me, with my ex, deleting his phone number, cleaning out my email, throwing away his letters and cards and the gifts he's given me, semi-blocking him on facebook (if I delete him .... drama with other friends who don't want to feel like they have to 'choose sides' even after so many years... stupid really, so now he can only see my profile picture, haha); stuff like that was healing.
But mostly for me... it was the time being single where I figured out that I LOVE MYSELF, something that I never understood/experienced while I was with him; that was what really did it. And it took time and distance and being alone for me. I can't imagine trying to do it while in a new relationship, and I feel for you!
I'm going to have to jump on board here with the time thing. I was EXTREMELY hurt when my ex and I broke up. We were hs sweethearts, moved away together, went to college together, through my first year of law school. He WAS my family, and then he just... wasn't? I think the biggest hurdle for me was accepting that he will not ever be a part of my life in the future in any capacity. That seems obvious but sometimes I think even when we're angry and we hate people, we almost hold onto that hate as a way to keep them in our lives a little bit because losing them all together, recognizing that you have NO connection to them is more painful. Because its as if you never were, or something.
But thats not really true. You were, and it shaped your life. You moved 2,000 miles to be with him... but that must be where you met your FI right? If you wouldn't have moved you wouldn't be marrying the guy you're MEANT to be with. So who cares why you came out there? Cut off all communication with the ex and focus on the good that came out of your breakup.
I can relate!
I think you have to stop thinking of the memories you had ... both good and bad... and think about how you are both completely different people at this point and you might not even like him as he is today.
When my ex got engaged before me, I was jealous and angry and just pissed (he "won" in my mind but he called off their wedding 1 week before). But I just had to remember to be the bigger person, wish him the best when our mutal friends felt they had to give me updates, and moved on.
Like other posters have said, it'll take time, sometimes a LOT of time, depending on the relationship and how it ended, so don't feel like you have to be over it all at once. I used to think you could get over these things like stepping over a threshold, but really, it's more like a step at a time. I'm happily married but there are still days when some of that bitterness wells up (my ex is dating one of my good friends now, so seeing him is inevitable) and I have to choose foriveness again.
A couple practical things that helped for me, though:
1) Cutting off contact. I didn't want to be that bitter ex, but....in reality, I really truly needed space to let my heart heal. For me that included deleting him on facebook and myspace and actively avoiding gatherings when I knew he'd be there (we shared a group of friends). I also deleted photos of us together from our computer and packed away letters/things he'd given to me (after I got engaged, these were thrown away). Whatever that looks like for you, try to make as clean a break as you can.
2) Actively choosing forgiveness. Even when you don't feel like it. What he did to you was probably crappy, and even the cleanest breakup still hurts because you have to learn to live life apart again. But don't let yourself dwell on it. If that bitterness and anger comes up -- which it will -- choose to walk away from it. For me, the more I told myself I was choosing to forgive and let go, the more it became true in my life (like I said, though, it took time...it's been a good two and a half years and i still have to go through that process sometimes, though less and less all the time)
3) Get involved in other things. Pursue things your passionate about (hobbies, job, school, etc.). Focus on the future. Focus on your current BF. Dream about what you want to do with your life and start moving forward in those things. As you grow in who you want to be and what you want to do, you may find your life full with no room for bitterness and regret over the past.
I know it's had right now, but keep moving forward and it'll get better, I promise :-)
I've never posted before, but I think you may have moved on too quickly. Especially if you're reacting this way and 'stalking' him via social websites. You may need to take some time out to get to know you before you claim you're ready to marry someone else.
I went back and read a few of your previous posts to make sure I wasn't too off base. You said you moved to be with him, he proposed (you thought it was too soon) but felt you had to say yes. I don't know or care what reason he gave for cheating, but maybe he fed off the energy you gave about the relationship. That's neither here nor there, but I just put it out there.
You get closure by fully letting go and moving on. It doesn't seem like you're there yet even though you have moved on to another relationship.
hey! How long have you been with your FI? How long ago did you and your ex break up? I found that I was still upset about unresolved feelings (not FOR my ex, but about my ex) early in my current relationship, but having a "moment" like yours brought the feelings to a head and I felt better. And never had those ugly feelings again. I think that after the continual yelling at your ex recently, maybe after a couple weeks, you'll look back and maybe laugh, but definitely feel better. Your FI has nothing to worry about. Good luck! Time does heal all wounds.
:-)
I agree, time heals all wounds.
I got really lucky, I am one of those vengeful hateful people, so I thought things like this would happen when seeing my ex, but they didn't. I dunno, once things got really good with the hubs, something just snapped, and i could let go of all the hurtful things he said and did to me. His brother is a good friend of ours, so we see him at some family events, and things are actually pretty pleasant between us. We can talk and hold a conversation, and even reminisce about old times. Sometimes i get a little pang of sadness when thinking about the good times we had, but then I look at my hubby and It hink about how lucky I am to have him and of all the things that wouldn't have worked with me and my ex had we actually gotten married.
Reflect on the past, accept it, and move on. Replace every bad feeling you have for your ex with a good one about your FI. If it helps, feel sorry for the guy - I mean, what kind of crappy life is he going to have as a constant cheater? While you are going to have a nice stable happy relationship with your FI.
I think it also helps that my ex said that I was the problem, and I pushed him to lie and cheat. But, he is still single (We broke up 6 years ago) and has not had a gf since. So I assume that it wasn't me, right??
Think of all the life lessons you've gain from the relationship, Thank God for them and let it go.
Try to think of things in a positive light, if he hadn't done whatever it was that made you so angry you wont be with your current SO. Take that as a blessing in itself.
I understand why you would still be upset but ry to see things from your SO point of view, there really is a thin line between love and hate, and you really dont want to be walking it.
Take a deep breath, banish every thing that ties you to him, and channel that emotion to the things in your life that actually make sense. For those are the things that count.
Time and cutting off communication are great helps, but I found that counseling was the one thing that helped me put the past in perspective and move on with a clean slate to my future. (Though I did this before I met my partner). Is that a possibility for you?
Closure is something that is very hard to attain...and really I agree with everyone else, it's not something that you are going to necessarily find, it will come in time and before you know it things will be alright. Just focus on your life now and your happiness with your current relationship. Don't let the past ruin the future.
I have been there sista! 5 years ago I was with a guy who to this day I can still say hes one of the most perfect matches for me. (My FI being the absolute "perfect") I definetly went through the 12 stages of grieving. And the anger part seemed to hold on for a good year. And my anger too, went onto my current relationship.
Me and the other guy lived in a small town and had mutual friends. I remember days where I would almost wish he would just die so I didnt have to feel the hurt anymore. Its not that you actually "hate" him but that you liked him so much that your hurt it didnt work out. Not saying that the guy didnt do something that made him a total ass, but lets face it, you were attracted to him and something about him made him stick out of all the rest. It hurts to lose that and anger is very very natural.
My ex now lives about 2000 miles away and is in another relationship. And I'm going to be married to my wonderful guy of 4 years who is also the greatest father to our son. I love my FI very very much but I cant say I dont still feel a little pang of anger/sadness/jealousy when I see pics of my ex with his new girl on facebook.
Sometimes I too just want to scream and yell to this day and scream at him "Why this?! and Why that?!". Important people never fully leave our lives. We just chose to go on in life without them. Doesnt mean we can erase everything.
Hold on darlin'! This takes time.
I agree with Mrs. DG. I think time and cutting off communication are only a part of the solution. It takes hard work to move on and get peace of mind, I think we can all attest to that! I think counseling can help you work through the anger and pain you're feeling, if that's a possibility for you.
I agree with all other posters.
However, I would like to urge you to postpone your wedding or rethink your engagement if you're still so emotionally attached to your ex-boyfriend (even if those emotions are angry emotions). I just don't think it would be wise to get serious/married/etc. with someone if you are still seriously hurting and cannot get over a past relationship - it's not fair to the new guy you're with for you to devote a lot of emotional energy to someone in your past...especially if that person was horrible to you.
I wish you the best, but please please try to resolve your emotions before getting engaged or married to someone else. Good luck.
It's been five years since my ex and I broke up (we were together for only 3 years), and I still harbor that kind of disgust and hatred for him. But I don't let it show. It helps that I live 2000 miles away from him now, but I have cut off all contact. I don't reply when he sends me emails. I don't stalk him on FB.
A big part of it for me, also, was to forgive myself for allowing him to do the things he did to me (physical and emotional abuse, and he also stole a LOT of money from me and lied probably every other word that came out of his mouth).
This ex couldn't hold a candle to the man I'm about to marry, but it's hard to let go of anger. You (and I) have to try to be the bigger person. Good luck; I know how hard it is.
I’m really glad you asked this question. It’s easy to get wrapped up in how much we love our current partners (obviously!), but sometimes it’s important to remember how much we loved past partners, and what has happened in our lives (good and bad) to bring us to where we are now. I think it takes a lot of courage to ask a question like this, even to yourself.
I don’t know the “answer” to your question – I have an ex, who is still an old wound. Time itself hasn’t healed everything, though, it’s helped. Counseling helped. Spending a lot of time (like, several years) alone with myself after the break-up helped a lot too. It’s hard to let go of anger and hurt!
What helped me was actively working on “getting past him” (for lack of a better term). I agree you must cut off all contact – phone/e-mail/web-stalking/old letters/whatever. Also, it helped me to finally realize that no matter what he says to me, no matter how many times he says “sorry” for what he did – it won’t help. There is no magical “sorry” out there that can ever make us cool with each other again. So, either I move on, or I don’t.
I think the more you think about him, and IT (breakup, etc.), the more it is going to affect you. He did what he did, and there’s nothing he can do or say to undo those things. Whenever you think about him and get angry, close your eyes and take a deep breath and try to get zen. What’s happened has happened, and you can’t change how he behaved. At some point, we all have to just let go of toxic people, even if we really, really loved those people.
Hope you feel better soon though :(
I know exactly what ya mean. My ex really really screwed me over, multiple times, including my mom, who was there for him when his own parents were fed up with his lies/immaturity. And of course he would completely switch the story around to any poor girl that was dumb enough to ignore the fact that his entire family was done with him, and he had NO friends.
I ended up moving away, so I had no reason/chance to see him. But I just deleted him from my life entirely. It sounds like you did that. but now, you told him how you feel, so I guess now it's time to just go on with your life. Don't get me wrong, you're not crazy or anything if you still think about it/him once in awhile, but I agree with PPs that time does heal all wounds.
@bellenga: I completely agree with what your grandmother told you! That is some great advice!
With my ex, I pretty much made him. He was insecure, had daddy issues, and never had ambition until he was with me. I helped motivate him to go to college and then I helped him get a job. I brought out the best in him and helped him work through issues with his father. He repayed me by cheating on me with at least 5 different girls while at the college that I helped him get into. Not quite the thanks I was looking for, if you know what I mean. While I didn't move to be with him, his insecurity and jealousy (and temper) pretty much controlled my first two years of college. Really? Who tells their girlfriend on the phone, when he's 200 miles away that she should stay in her room because "guys will take advantage of her" at college parties? Oh wait, that was my boyfriend. I was quite angry with him for years after we broke up (years ago now), and it took time. It took me soul searching, and realizing the lesson, which was that he was put in my life as the example of what I DO NOT WANT IN A HUSBAND. And once I realized that I was better by myself than with him, I found the love of my life. I'm still waiting on the proposal, but there is no comparison between my life with my man now and the life I led with my ex.
We are here for you, girl!
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I saw my ex-fi last night... for the first time in a few months. And he was with some chick, totally hanging all over him. Well, the last thing I said to him a few months ago was pretty hateful, so I took it upon myself to apologize... Well apparently I have ALOT of anger towards him still. And it came out last night, and I couldn't let anything go. To the point that after he left I texted him (drunkenly) trying to get across the point of how much I hate him... Well, Jason got really upset with me because I'm still really hurt by him and I can't just "let it go''.
I'm wondering how do you get closure? Or does that not happen? I hate that I am so angry with him (to the point I honestly wish he would die, I'm not even kidding) and I hate that it is still affecting me, and that is has so much power over me and it's now affecting my current relationship. Any advise?
(and 100 points to you if you can make out my emotional ramblings!)