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I am not Jewish; however, I do believe that it would depend on the persons commitment to their faith. If they are extremely devoted to their faith, and demonstrate that with how they live their daily lives, then I say that it would be okay for them to miss the wedding. I am not saying I wouldn't be hurt, because I would be, but I would also understand the why, and not be mad at them. If they aren't extremely devoted to their faith in their daily life, then I would not think that it would be okay to miss the wedding, and I would be mad at them, and probably not be their friend anymore.
i appreciate the votes so far, but i guess i am hoping for you to comment as well! like the people voting yes, are you really religious or not so much? thanks!
i'm jewish, and it would, as you mentioned, certainly depend on the closeness of the relationship. we usually host our own passover and it is a big deal to us, but i would move my seder to one of the other nights. however, if it were my family hosting (which they always do, but since i live on a different coast now we do our own), this would be trickier since i would risk offending the parentals and rest of the fam. long story short, i would for a close friend, particularly if i am hosting and have the power to change the date. that being said, i totally understand why someone wouldn't.
oh, just read that this is a destination wedding. that definitely makes things trickier as i might not simply be able to move the seder to another night of passover if i'm out of town...
@Ms. Meowerson: what if you did one seder the first night, but had to leave the morning after and couldn't do the second one?
I'm Jewish. Not very religous, but I go to my good friend's seder every year; it's a 10-year-old tradition by now.
But I would definitely go to a close friend's DW. It's easier for me than for some because I don't keep kosher for Passover. And I would DEFINITELY do it if I could do First Night Seder and only miss Second Night.
Honestly, I wouldn't. I am not the most religious person out there, but my family is and I always spend the Seder with them. Passover is a really important holiday in the religion and is actually one of the most celebrated, so even if someone isn't religious in other aspects, chances are they celebrate Passover; it would be like faulting someone for not going to a wedding over Christmas if they don't attend mass every week. Now, if the wedding fell during chol hamoad or the non-seder days/nights, I might consider it, but it would be so hard to actually keep the holiday... So, unfortunately, I don't think I would be able to attend.
@PurpleUnicorn: I am Catholic, but do not attend mass regularly. I believe in God, am faithful in my beliefs, and pray regularly. I voted "yes" because I feel that a wedding is a once in a lifetime event. I, personally, would not want to miss out on such a wonderful event for a close friend. I might suggest that the individual partake in what they could (fasting), possibly readjust the Sedar schedule, and ask for forgiveness. However, I would respect the individual if they were not able if he/she was very holy because it is the most signifcant Jewish holiday.
@rachaelrobin: thank you for your input. FYI, i am not "faulting" anyone for their choices, beliefs or practices. I admit I am hurt this is happening to me. But i thought getting a wider scope of views and opinions might help overcome it.
and to be honest, i had a little salt rubbed on the wound today when i found out this friend is going on vacation to another part of the Caribbean 3 weeks before my wedding.....
@PurpleUnicorn: Not, I'm not saying you are. I just wanted to put that input it, because it really isn't as easy to just change the Seder, or celebrate it on a different day. Also, I am honestly not so surprised the vote is showing the way it is; WB, while I love it, has never struck me as a place very observant people post on. I know this must be hard though.
@rachaelrobin: good point, perhaps this board is not representative of the general population!
I understand your feeling that way, but for some people it would be like being asked to miss Christmas or Thanksgiving. It's a very family-centered holiday.
And, if she is observant, it would be pretty much impossible to keep kosher for passover in Jamaica (I think that's where your wedding is?). For an observant Jew, that would be a dealbreaker.
@mightywombat: i understand. and i guess i don't know how seriously observant she is. i get the comparison to xmas and thanksgiving, but i have had people tell me they would miss those holidays for a close friend's wedding. so its the same issue with any religion i guess - depends on how religious the person actually is. i know she is not as religious as other Jewish people i have known over the years. she doesn't observe every friday night for example, or eat Kosher ALL the time. and my one Passover memory with her is from high school, she came to my house and my mom offered her pasta for dinner and with only a moment's hesitation, she decided to break it and eat it. But that was then, this is now and of course i get people grow and change.
I would never completely miss passover for any reason.
However, I would find arrangements to have a seder in the destination city/town and make sure I could attend one. If yes AND I had a guest to come with me to seder, then I would go to the wedding.
If it actually meant skipping passover completely and not doing/attending a seder, I would not attend the wedding--probably even if it was my bestest friend in the whole world. Of course, if it were her, she would know that and it wouldn't be on passover.
FWIW I'm reform now, but very "practicing." (I have been reform, conservative and modern orthodox at various points.)
@ellabee: i did tell my friend that if she had told me it was on passover, then i would worked around her. but she herself only realized it about 2 months ago. at that point, other people had already been booked for months, non-refundable. otherwise i would still change it.
oh my, how weird that my friend just found me online to start asking advice and questions about her upcoming vacation next week and how she can't wait to go! and she doesn't even mention my wedding that is coming up 3 weeks later in Jamaica! i think its her way of dealing with all this that bothers me the most!
especially since in her last communication to me about it she said she might decide last minute to come!
@PurpleUnicorn:can you help her find a seder so she can attend? Or ask her to look for one?
I recommend looking for Chabad as they usually have a presence all around the world, even vacation spots.
History
of Jews in Jamaica (I don't know how good this source is.)
And try not to be hurt if she really can't do it.
@ellabee:oooh. In light of your most recent post, there may be something else going on. Talk to her, preferably in person.
BUT don't holdher other vacation against her. She didn't say money was the reason she wouldn't come--this is about religion. (Or she's trying to make it about religion). Please try not to be hurt by the other trip she's taking and don't take it personally.
@ellabee: well thats the thing. she is going on vacation in the Caribbean next week for a week! i think its pretty clear she has 100% decided she is not coming to Jamaica. so i don;t see the point in bothering with finding a seder. oh well. i do realize now that what hurts is how she is handling it. if she was just a little bit sincere and i felt like she wanted to come but truly cannot, then i probably wouldn't feel this way. like i have friends who i am less close with and who are so excited for me and telling me they want to talk before i go etc etc. (this one i am referring to is pregnant, otherwise she would probably come). instead this friend is just telling me she how excited she is to go away next week and not even bothering with one "i so wish i could have come to your wedding!" i mean, she was suppsoed to officiate my wedding at one point!
ok, that last post turned into a vent. sorry! i guess i am reacting to the little chat i just had with her online. ironic timing since we hadn;t talked for a few weeks. but i think she initiated the convo because she knew i found out she was going. the whole thing just felt weird and i had to bite my tongue.
I'm not Jewish, but if I had a close friend who had a DW on Christmas or Easter I would not go. I get limited time with my family and so that time is important to me. And even if a wedding is a once in a lifetime event, it's not like it's the only chance you'll have to spend with a person. You really don't get to spend that much time with your friends at your wedding anyway. If some of my closest friends hadn't came to my wedding, to be honest, I probably wouldn't have even noticed. I would be pretty hurt if one of my sisters decided to go to a wedding instead of coming home for Christmas.
@jedeve: thanks for your input. I understand about spending time with family - that is important for sure. As for spending time with her at my wedding, well I guess its different with a destination wedding because one of the greatest advantages is that you get to spend A LOT of quality time with the guests that are present. every one i know that has had a DW has said this was the best part.
I'm Jewish, and if it was during the seder (one of the first two nights), I don't think I would be able to go. It's not just a family thing because I don't always make it home to my family due to work, but I still feel obligated to attend a seder and observe Passover. Does your friend observe the dietary laws of Passover (e.g. not eat anything with leavening during the week of Passover)? If so, it can be really hard to travel as there's not a lot you can eat when you're on vacation during Passover.
It does sound like maybe your situation is more complicated, though, so maybe it is not just about observing the holiday. I hope it all works out for the best!
I'm reform and my fiance is conservative. We have both missed Passover before. When we were studying abroad it just wasn't possible to observe it. A best friends wedding would be much more important to me than keeping passover.
I was raised Reform, and now my family really isn't practicing Judaism that much anymore, but we always celebrate Passover together. After Thanksgiving, Passover is the "biggest" family holiday for us. As much as I love the family tradition, for me, if a being at a close friends wedding meant that I had to miss Passover, I might be a little sad, but I would still go to the wedding. Granted, I can see how for a more religious person that might be an issue, taking into consideration the importance of the holiday in Judaism.
That being said, I realized yesterday I scheduled my next visit to see FI over Passover. I felt horrible, and apologized to my mom, but she was completely understanding. I'll be here for the first night (we generally do our big family Seder over a weekend for people who come from out of town) so although I'll miss the big family to-do, I'll be here to at least observe the holiday with the fam.
It's really difficult to say...I would lean towards not attending, as the difficulty in finding appropriate Passover food would leave me a cranky party pooper.
I might attend, it would depend on the friend, but I definitely wouldn't take on a "role" at the wedding. It's not appropriate to do work like that on passover, I'd just want to be a guest and that's it.
I wouldn't take it personally.
I don't attend destination weddings at all. It's a much easier way to explain why I"m not going :)
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Would you miss Passover for one of your closest friends of all time weddings? like would you go to a destination wedding if it fell on Passover? and you are such good friends with this person that they gave you a MORE important role than bridesmaid or MOH....
i just want larger scope of opinions and views than i have gotten in real life.
thanks!