OK tell me to calm down..

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

I can understand being excited, however; I would just my best to keep one foot firmly planted in reality.

This man is not divorced yet, and actually ” getting around to” the paperwork could bring in a whole slew of emotions ( good and/or bad). Having never been divorced I can’t say for sure, but I would imagine signing on the dotted line is a lot harder than you would think, or else he would have done it already. Not saying he isn’t 100% committed to you and your relationship, but it definitely closes a chapter in his life, so just tread lightly with the wedding/house stuff if he has already communicated that it isn’t a possibility for this year. 

Post # 3
Member
4794 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

robynrox47:  Calm down! There, did that help? Lol! Probably not. I’ve not really been in your position, but I was just curious why it’s taking so long to get divorced? (I have been divorced before) I know it’s different in different states/countries. I mean, he’s not prolonging it, is he? Like he’s afraid to commit again?? I think my only advice would be to stop. Just don’t go on wedding bee or anywhere else. It’s probably kind of like an addiction that you have to just quit for now.

Post # 4
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

you need to calm down and let him get on the same page (which definitely means waiting until the divorce comes through).

i did some (fortunately repairable) damage to my relationship by being super impatient and pretty nasty during my waiting period. he was hurt, i was hurt, we’re still getting over it (even though we’re super excited to be getting married in the fall).

so keep busy, find other things to obsess over and be kind to you both.

Post # 5
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

If he’s not divorced after 4 years of separation, then it doesn’t sound like he’s too keen on getting divorced. That alone, would give me pause. I’m not trying to be snarky here I promise, just genuinely curious. But why do people date men/women who are still married? Even separated still means married. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  leahkate.
Post # 6
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

Mrs_Amanda:  +1

I found out 6 months into my relationship with my ex that he was still legally married. 5 years later, he still was. I kept waiting and waiting….and waiting for the divorce that was supposed to happen and never did.

Post # 9
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

Fair enough..I guess my jealous streak would stand in my way of being able to do that..I hope it all works out like you want it to, and soon.

Post # 10
Member
4794 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

robynrox47:  Wow! I was SO happy the day my paperwork went through! I still remember the exact date. It was just so freeing. If you’re in the US I would think his wife still has legal rights over him. Ie: entitled to his 401K, can pull the plug if he’s in a bad accident, if they are married for 10 years she’s entitled to his social security benefits someday etc etc. These certainly aren’t the romantic things, but still things to consider to disentangle yourself from someone!

Post # 11
Member
4794 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

robynrox47:  PS- and legally you have to file your taxes as married or married filing jointly. She can be on his health insurance etc etc etc etc…

Post # 13
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think a woman’s love is naturally giving, and we need to be reminded to protect our hearts in “heading-towards-marriage” relationships.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t trust and dream, it means that you do it in proportion to the commitment you have been shown (shown, not told, because actions count much more than promises).  If a proposal is not immminent and it’s making you sad, then stop wedding planning to save your sanity. Women can get so busy taking care of others, they neglect to take care of themselves.  Be good to yourself, remember your heart is important and treat it accordingly.      

Post # 14
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

I have to agree with PPs. I do feel like planning a marriage to someone who is already married is putting the cart before the horse. Certainly not judging, as I could see how you can get ahead of yourself. However, I just think him filing for a divorce is the first major hurdle to overcome before I would personally be able to hear any sort of wedding bells. 

Post # 15
Member
8701 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

No judgement here. I just find the 4 years to be a bit long since he’s been in a relationship with you. If he was ready to jump into another marriage, I’d suspect after meeting you and being ready to marry you, he’d be more eager to get the divorce finalized earlier than “This summer.” If it were me, I’d be dragging whomever I needed down to the courthouse to get this done. Then again if I was separated, I’d be more enthusiastic about filing for divorce and not putting it off for four years. To me, it doesn’t sound like he’s ready or wants to be divorced, but that’s just me on the outside looking in.

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