Post # 1
Okay so this is so difficult for me to say on here but I really would love some advice… basically my FH and I have been engaged for a couple years now, and we were actually meant to be married last April, but we had an issue last year and separated for a few months before getting back together which meant the wedding obviously was cancelled at the time. We have now been back together for quite some time and are more in love then ever, in total we have been together for 7 years, and we absolutely adore eachother, the time apart showed us how much we cared and loved eachother and to be honest we are in a better place now then before the break up. He has turned himself around and I wake up every day with a smile on my face.
Here is the thing, before we split we had sent out STD’s, to which only a couple of people had even mentioned anything about the wedding to us, most people unashamedly acted like they couldn’t care less, no one congratulated us and they were not supportive of our wedding. As it got nearer to the wedding day not ONE person who had received the STD contacted me asking anything about it, no one asked about an invite, no one asked if the wedding was still happening etc, and to this day I have still had no mention of it from a soul. Now that FH and I are back on track and planning a wedding for December 2015 it bothers me that no one cared enough to ask about it. I feel silly to invite these people and send them another STD to our wedding when it feels like they could not have cared less about it in the first place.
I went through the toughest time imaginable in that break up, I lost my whole life, I fought depression and had suicidal thoughts and I had ZERO support from my family, no phone calls, no visits from anyone, nothing. My immediate family acted as though nothing had happened and I was at the lowest time in my life and ironically the only person that supported me was my then ex.
I am so thankful we managed to work things out and are now looking forward to a beautiful future together, and rest assured the reasons we split are well and truly in the past, but I can’t shake the feeling of embarassment that I am having to invite these guests again, I feel almost beggy. I don’t know, I mean, I understand people are busy with family and work etc, but if that were me I would definitely have asked about the upcoming wedding date, and if I had any inkling that my family member had split from her fiance I would have been on the phone checking she was okay. Please can you tell me your thoughts on this and how I should feel? And please no harsh comments as this was very difficult for me to open up and say. Just to clarify I am pretty sure the majority of the guests we invited knew we had split either from my facebook or word of mouth through family, even one of my bridesmaids went awol on me and hasn’t even contacted me since I let her know the wedding was off.
Post # 2
If people knew from Facebook that you split up before the wedding, then I’m not really surprised they didn’t follow up I their STD’s. Not sure what’s up with the AWOL bridesmaid but the rest of it sounds like I’d expect someone to react if they’d gotten a std then found out the couple broke up. Personally unless it’s someone super close to me (one of my sisters or my BFF), I give them privacy when I find out they’be broken up. even people that I consider very good friends, I like to let them have their space at those times.
Post # 3
Please can you tell me your thoughts on this and how I should feel?
I’ll offer my opinion in reverse order. No one can tell anyone how they should feel. Feelings are always right no matter what they are. It’s how we process things that happen in our world.
I wouldn’t rush to a decision that they didn’t care. Many people are just so uncomfortable in this type of situation that they don’t know what to do Their fall back decision is to do nothing. They may have thought that contacting you about the wedding would be painful and embarassing for you so they didn’t contact you.
Post # 4
Personally id have a small and intimate wedding with just those who matter the most, i would not throw a big bash as a lot of people will have opinions on why you cancelled a wedding previously but decided to try it again.
Post # 5
Horseradish: julies1949: Thanks for taking the time to comment, I guess I kimd of defaulted to feeling like they didn’t care was because throughout our engagement no on congratulated us, if I received a STD in the post I would at the very least send a text to say congrats. And also because I have previous issues with family members being, we will call it pretty selfish ( I was in hospital and almost bled to death and had to have emergency surgery and I woke up to not one visitor, and no family member had called to check on me) so it just hurt me all the more that in a time I actually really needed their support they were nowhere to be seen. I do really hope this is the case because family means everything to me, I am not the type of person to hold a grudge at all and what you have said makes me feel better and does actually make alot of sense. Thanks!
Post # 6
They probably just didn’t know what to say! I wouldn’t follow up on a fallen through STD. Or even one that’s still happening! I just wait for the invite.
If you want this time around you could just skip save the dates. Send early invitations and let that be that.
Post # 7
Nena16: I understand this logic, but I kind of still feel obliged to invite everyone so I don’t offend anyone, kind of one of those awkward invite none or invite them all situations, I do want my family there if they care and can be happy for us though
Post # 8
MrsBuesleBee: Yes that is an idea, thanks 🙂
Post # 9
BritishBride2015: I can’t speak to why your family/close friends didn’t call you to see how you were doing, but honestly, I wouldn’t hold it against everyone else. Personally, if I received a STD of a non-family member or close friend and the wedding was called off, I don’t think I would say anything. My reasoning would be that I wouldn’t want to embarasss the couple or bring something up that they didn’t want to talk about. It’s a very intimate and sensitive topic and it’s not something I would assume the couple would want to openly discuss.
That said, I agree with Nena16. I would probably have a small wedding especially since you are feeling the way you are.
Post # 10
citysparkle: thanks for responding, this seems to be the general feeling here, so at least it has put my mind at ease that their was no maliciousness behind it
Post # 11
BritishBride2015: If I were in your position, I would be absolutely heartbroken. I send lots of virtual internet hugs!! Even though I haven’t gone through anything this difficult with my FI, I know how it feels to be ignored when you have an upcoming wedding, and I wish beyond anything that we could just make elopement plans and call off the big white wedding. I don’t think you need to be overly concerned about hurting feelings—this is your day, and I truly believe you should do what you and your FI feel is right. Maybe a small destination wedding would be a fun idea for the two of you!
Post # 12
I agree with the PP. I would have a small wedding with my closest people. People will no doubt judge you, as that is unfortunately the way of the world, so I would just avoid that. You don’t need those FB friends at your wedding anyway. They can see the fabulous pics 🙂
Post # 13
BritishBride2015: If i had heard through the grapevine (your immediate family/friends had informed me) that your relationship was tumultuous, i would’nt have asked about it either.
My cousin and his wife sent out invites and they split up and cancelled the wedding because the wife got mad at the best man for not having his suit ready. They got back together a year later and remarried and are still married 15 years later but noone asked them about it. People want to give you your space.
Send out your invites as normal.
Post # 14
BritishBride2015: i dont think re-evaluating your goals and doing a smaller gathering would offend anyone. We did this my new husband and i just got married had an amazing reception with just family and witnesses and it was great. I did not have to wonder about who is supportive and who isnt on my happy day. My circumstances are different but i also faced some issues as i come from a small community that decided that i am odd for marrying an outsider so i knew there were a bunch of people questioning my decision so i had no problem having less than 30 guests. And if you really want to invite everyone again thats fine just be ready for questions and possibly some judgement.
Post # 15
MKWeddingBee: Thanks so much for your kind words 🙂 yes it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, and by all means I haven’t had the easiest life! I guess I am one of those people that goes above and beyond to help others so sometimes you just would like a little back. We did discuss eloping, and while fh is all for it I can’t help but think I might regret it, I do love my family so much that I try forget all the times they have hurt me and focus on the good times we have had together, and I think I would feel really sad getting married with no on there to share that special moment. I am kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place!