(Closed) OK…so i always say i don't want kids…what if i do?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think this is seriously a conversation that you need to have with your boyfriend/fiancee.

As far as starting that conversation, I wouldn’t beat around the bush.  I would open by saying that you have something important that you need to talk about and let him know that you’ve been thinking that one day you might want to have kids.

Don’t worry if he has a lot of questions and you don’t have a lot of answers.  You’ll figure it out.

Post # 4
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I always said I didn’t want kids. When I was about 24 or 25, I started to think maybe I might… but I was with someone who vehemently did not want them. And of course, when your partner is not on board, it makes things difficult because you want someone who will be a supportive and enthusiastic father. I’m nearly 28 now and with someone who very much wants kids but thought he’d never meet anyone he wanted to have them with. Because I know how much he loves me and would love our kids, I would now say firmly that I do want them. I do still have reservations about it, mostly due to my own fears and anxieties.

But it’s okay to change your mind about wanting children. No one will think you are weird for it. When FI announced to my family last Christmas that we planned on having four, one of my sisters asked me privately where the heck that came from because she thought I never wanted any at all. Some people may ask questions, but who cares?

And it’s not like you have to make a decision today. 😉

Post # 5
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@smcs28:  How old are you?  In what context do you work with kids?

Post # 6
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

The most important thing here is that your SO is in the same boat. If you’re unsure, you need to make sure he’s open to the option. 

Post # 7
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’ve known that I didn’t want kids since I was a kid.  I never wanted to be the mom with the baby, I wanted to be the friend/neighbor who was rich and did fun things while my sister stayed in the play house and took care of her dolls.  I think my record was 17 PhDs and somehow this made me into a millionare.  😀  

I’m 29 now and have ended 2 serious relationships because my partners definitely wanted kids in the future and I do not.  My fiance doesn’t want kids either but neither of us are really anti kid, we’d just prefer not to have them.  We may adopt or foster in 5-10 years and if we had an oops after I graduated, we’d probably keep it and things would be ok but we’re never ever going to try for a biological child.  We’re both 29, minds are not changing at this point.

If you know you don’t want kids, it’s ok.  There are lots of people who are childfree.  Check out http://www.reddit.com/r/childfree — it’s an entire community of people who don’t want kids.  Some of them are very anti kid but most of us just want people to respect our decision.  You need to be honest with your partner and if he doesn’t feel the same way, you need to end the relationship.  If you don’t want kids and your partner does–one of you is going to end up very unhappy and if you do have a kid, s/he is going to be the one who suffers the most.  It’s not fair to you, to your partner and to any potential future children.

Post # 8
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I am the product of a relationship where neither wanted children.  My mother (for some reason, and based on no medical diagnosis whatsoever) thought she couldn’t have children.  Only 6 months into their relationship, she was pregnant with my older brother.  Being catholic, a termination was out of the question.  It wasn’t until 5 years later when she’d had both myself and my younger brother that my father finally took responsibility himself and had a vasectomy.

Both have always acted like having children ruined THEIR lives.  We were a burden, something that stopped my father from having the glittering career he wanted (he was a diplomat) and mother resented that she had to stop going on his foreign postings when I turned 14, as our education was really beginning to suffer…when he was posted to a certain 3rd world country, we didn’t end up going to school for nearly two years.

She also blames me for his leaving her for another woman when I got married at 21.  Apparently it made him feel ‘old’.  My mother is now an incredibly angry and bitter person, who thinks there is nothing wrong with saying to her friends, in front of us, that if she had her time over again she would have never had children.

And then she wonders why none of us have.

Be honest, and tell your FI you have changed your mind.   I had a termination at 36 as my then husband was adamant he still didn’t want a child when our contraception and morning after pill failed.  I didn’t want to have a child which wasn’t wanted by both it’s parents. 

 

Post # 9
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@smcs28:  I have never thought I wanted them, I guess some people just never get the urge.  I also only ever told myself if I got very wealthy I would have them as then I could still travel & do fun stuff and just pay people to do housework etc.  I am now 36 & FO is 37, he feels the same way, we occasionally talk about it and both havent ruled it out but it isnt looking all that likely.  You can of course change your mind & then have them but cant unchange it then :-).  I was also told when I was younger by my my mother that she never wanted children and she gave up a career for us, which hurt, among other things. 

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