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I have seen people talk about not wanting to be an "old Mom" on weddingbee and a couple of other places. I find the concept/semi-fear kind of interesting because it has never crossed my mind!
I think this is because my Mom was 38 when she had me and I never found that to be a problem. I actually want to wait until at least 30 to have kids because of my growing up experience. I think my parents were able to provide more financial and emotional stability for me and my siblings because they were older, more settled in careers etc...
How about you? Do you think it's better to be a younger or older Mom? Can someone explain why being an "old Mom" is bad? :)
I think that there are pros and cons to having kids at any age. My mom had my brother at 18 and had me at 26, so I guess she was a young mom. When you have kids young you have more energy, you might be a little more "fun", and you get your life back a lot sooner. When my mom was 44 she was child-free! Her and my dad are still so young and have so much of their lives ahead of them.
Having kids older means you might have mor patience, and you'll certainly be more financially stable. You do give up some freedom in your 40s/50s if you're still raising kids but you get that freedom in your 20s.
To me, the perfect time to have kids is between 30-35.
It's not "bad", i just know some people have concerns about being, say, 60, when your kids are 20. My mom is 52 and already has back problems and stuff--if she were older, her health would be worse and I could see it being far more difficult. I only have one grandparent left and I'm only 23....everybody in my family waits to have kids, and as such, my family lineages are long and spread out. I kinda feel like I missed out on that--my SIL is almost 30 and her grandparents are still alive! And doing fine! In fact, she has a baby so the grandparents have great-grand babies around...I just think it all depends on the family. I'll be 24 when we start trying, but we're unusually financially secure and stable to be starting a family. Plus, my uterus isn't giving me until I'm 30! I don't think either is "better' because I think both have VERY different challenges to face. Some the same, of course, but a lot are very different.
And, i'm willing to bet if your mom was younger when she had you, you'd be tooting a different horn =]
I don't think there's anything wrong with it necessarily....I agree with EJS that there's pros and cons to both.
I have young parents (51) and FI has older parents (65). One major thing I notice is that we "do" more with my parents: activities, trips, concerts, playing games, having parties, etc. FI's parents are more interested in sitting on the couch, drinking coffee, chatting. My parents visit us more because they can keep up with being the city, etc. and FI's parents really can't. And FI's parents are non-stop pushing us to have kids because they don't want to be "too old" by the time they have grandkids (my parents will prob be grandparents by the time they're 55)
I plan on being somewhere in the middle in terms of having kids. We're planning on our first when I'm 30.
Interesting question. I guess I'm going to end up being an "old mom" too since I just got married at 30, and we aren't having kids for at least 2 more years. But to be honest, I am very glad I spent my 20s drinking and partying as opposed to raising kids!
I don't think there is anything wrong with it. My parents were in their early 30s when they had me. Since they were settled in their careers, we were able to go on lots of trips and have a nice home. We were very stable in our life. But now, my dad is a bit slower than my husband's parents. We do go out and do things but not as much. They are still fun to be around though!
I had my daughter at 32 (she's now 7yo) and honestly I think if I had her in my twenties I would have been a crappie mom. I spent my twenties enjoying ME time--travelling the world, showing horses, partying, starting my career. If I had her earlier I think I would have had resentment that I missed out on a lot. I am a super high energy person though so I'm not sure how it is for other older moms. My FI is ten years younger and I can't have anymore children so plan on adopting or surrogate in two or three years so I'll be over 40 for the next one!!
BF and I have decided that 30-35 is when we're going to have kids, if we don't change our minds.
My mom was 29 when she had me, 36 with my brother. BF's parents were ~35 when they had him, ~32 for his sister.
My mom had me when she was 37. She died when she was 64. I delivered my mother's eulogy when I was 26, and I would have preferred to have had her around for a lot longer.
My FI's parents were in their 40's when he was born and when he was 18 his dad suddenly died. As the FI will be turning 40 next year, this has been a huge influence on his desire not to have kids. He's talked a few times about his feelings on having older parents and I respect his feelings on the experience. My parents were in their 20's when they had me, so I can't really relate to what he experienced. We both agree if we had met 10 years ago, well our perspective on having kids would probably have been a lot different.
I agree with the others- there are plusses and minuses at any age when you have kids. Do what's right for you when its right for you.
My Mom used to tell me there's a reason God makes women to have babies when they're young,and I never really 'got it'. I do now! Contrary to what some of you may think,you do not have more patience or more energy or more disposable income as you get older. Once you have kids,all the money you have will go to and for them. Just wait until you do your tax returns and add up how much it really costs to have children. If you work,daycare costs alone will kill you. Add in sports & equipment, lessons of any sort, braces, trips, vacations,clothes,Dr. appointments,emergency room visits, allergists (or any number of specialists your child may need to see)......the list goes on and really doesn't end until their mid-twenties. Starting at 35 means you'll be 60 before you'll either be helping pay for a wedding (remember your words now about who contributes) ,helping pay for Grad school or helping out with loans for housing down payments.
Being a parent is one of life's greatest rewards,but the reality of life is very often different from your best laid plans.
My parents were 27 when I was born and 36 when my youngest brother waas born. He just went to college this year and they are 53 which does not seem too old to me. Since my parents were always about the same age as my friends' parents I never thought anything of it but now, my colleagues seem to think I have young parents.
I alwasy planned to have kids around 30. I would rather enjoy my time now and travel, live abroad, etc. but as I get closer to 30, I think 33 may be a better time to have kids. I never wanted to be a young mom and I especially feared being a teen mom.
My parents had me when they were 19 & 20 and then continued to have three more kids. My youngest brother was born when they were 28 & 29. On the old-young spectrum of parents, my parents always were pretty much the youngest of all my friend's parents. However, I LOVED it. My parents are very active and they have been my whole life. They go on dates with each other just like they were still in HS and go dancing (not ballroom dancing either!).. stuff that some of my friends parents stopped doing a long time ago. Actually, being young is kind of the "norm" in my family. My grandpa turns 60 in February. Him & I are 1 day and 38 yrs apart. My Nana just turned 59. I grew up with my grandparents being way closer to the age of my friend's parents. I loved it and wouldn't change it for anything. I have so many friends that have already lost all their grandparents, or never knew them at all, and that would break my heart.
So far though, I'm not folllowing too closely in their footsteps. I'm almost 22 and don't plan on having kids until I'm 25. Still, I think I want to pretty close to finished with having kids by the time I'm in my early 30's. I want my kids to have close relationships with their grandparents like I did when I was growing up. Not to think of their grandparents as the old smelly people that pinch your cheeks and knit way too much!! 
My mom had me when she was 35 and just had her 59th birthday last week. However, she's in better shape than most 23 year olds that I know (has a personal trainer and goes to the gym 5-6 times per week). I plan on being an "older" mom. I really don't want to start trying until I'm 29 or 30. I just know I'm WAY too selfish to have a kid now or ever 2-3 years from now. Also, I'm terrified of giving birth.
FI's parents are in their early 50s and had him when they were in their early 20s. So I guess I've seen both sides of things. I don't think one is necessarily "better" than the other, but I'm just not sure a couple in their early 20s (let's say 20-23) is really ready for a kid. But I'm not a mom, so what do I know?
I am a very young mom. I think it's great because I still have the energy to keep up with them. My mom is only in her 50s so it's nice for her because then she can do a lot of things that my older grandmas couldn't with us. I'm looking forward to that too.
I don't really like the term "old mom" but I suppose that's because I will be one? LOL
I will be in my late 30s when we have children. I am totally ok with it. I look like I am in my 20s and I am in great shape.
The issue isn't age. The issue is your health.
This is such a great topic! My mom was 20 when I was born and I loved it - I felt like we could really talk openly and do anything together. Now that I'm older, I realize that she really had no idea what she was doing when raising my brother and me (as she admits herself), and some of the parenting choices she made had a negative impact on us, such as not being very patient with us.
I'm not sure when to have kids myself, but reading this thread is definitely helping me think of all the pros and cons!
I guess I will qualify as both? I was 26 when I had my daughter and if I have another I will probably be close to 35. I feel like I had a lot more energy when I was 26, but I have more conifdence and resources now that I'm older.
I'll be an "old" mom, I guess, and honestly? I'm really happy about it. There are so many things I want to enjoy before kids: trips, quiet mornings, spontaneous weekend trips, etc. People live a lot longer than they used to and medical care is much more advanced. I have no problem being 60 when my kids graduates high school or college. I can't predict the future, but I don't plan to be near death at that age. My aunt and uncle are currently over 60, and they don't act a day over 30 :)
My mom, aunt and MIL all had kids in their early 20s, and while they say they don't regret it because yeah, they had a lot more energy and stuff, they say that they do sometimes wish they had waited a bit longer. My MIL had three kids: two in her early 20s and my husband in her early 30s. She always says my husband was the easiest because they were just more established and stable and mature at that point.
I'll be an older mom also, not terribly happy about it, but I didn't meet my husband until I was 34 and wegot married at 36. We are both 36 and we would like to wait a year.
@kayakgirl73 Thanks for being in the boat with me 
My mom is an "old mom" I guess you could say because she had my sister at 21, me at 26, and my brother at 36. I don't feel like 36 is old to be a mom but for MY mom, she's been a parent today for 31 years and counting. And she's a single mom to boot. I think she feels like an old mom because she's been one for so long. Interesting question tho!
Three words: High Risk Pregnancy. I'm watching a co-worker go through it right now (literally right now), and it doesn't look like a hell of a lot of fun. That's the only real downside that I see though.
In light of Sage's response, I should add that I have a current health condition that will make it very difficult for me to conceive naturally, so we're fully planning on adopting if it takes more than a year to get pregnant.
There's no way to know what life has in store but I'm the product of 'older' parents and I will be at least 33 by the time I have a baby - assuming we're able to start right after our wedding in April. My mom was 37 when she had me and my dad was 45 when I was born. I never felt like I missed out because there was never a shortage of love, affection, attention and that remains true today. I do feel like I'm under some pressure (from myself only!) to have children soon and part of it is so my parents can be a big part of my children's life for as long as possible. FI's parents are a bit older too but very active so we're blessed on both sides!
@Sage while there are high risk pregnancies in later aged women, that isn't the case for all women. There are many things that women can do to stay fit and healthy for preconception. I counsel women every single day on preconception and prenatal health and I am a prenatal and postnatal yoga instructor. While fertility does decrease with age, there's no need to throw the post 20s women into a panic about their fertility health.
what constitutes being old?
my mom had me when she was 29 and my younger brother at 31. in her days, that was considered "late" to start having children. for me, i think it's ideal. with law school approaching and not ending until 2012 at the earliest... i don't even want to try having one until i'm at least 31.
FI on the other hand, is an only child and his best friend just had his second son. That coupled with his dad being 68, (no one believe it tho, he's really active)... he is definitely itching to have kids as soon as we're married.
however, i think, he's not ready to let go of my 100% attn towards him... so ill be able to buy out a few years of waiting :P
hopefully my body keeps up with me and we won't have fertility issues.
You can be in your 30's an perfectly healthy enough to carry a baby without high risk problems or you can be in your 20's, be obese, be an anxious person, and have a highly stressful job.
I guess it depends on how you want to look at it, because technically, there are a lot of high risk pregnancies going on what with the percentage of people not at a healthy body weight, age completely aside.
I just think health is just super important (maybe the most? emotionally AND physical), whether you're going to be an old mom or a young mom. Plus, i figured age became more of an issue once you hit your 40's and you were trying to conceive, right? Shoot, I know there are women out there who are 50 who probably have a healthier uterus than me =]
My mom was an "old mom." She had my oldest sister at 31 and my youngest sister at 40. I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting to have children until you're older. My parents chose to wait, and it worked really well for them. Also, my in-laws didn't have my husband until they were in their early 30's, too.
Having said that, I'm excited to be a "young mom" (our first baby will be born next June, when I'm 25). My parents and in-laws are already in their 60's, and I want them to be able to enjoy their granchildren. Between my husband and me, we only have one grandparent left, and we would like to kinda avoid that if possible for our kids. Plus, my husband and I would like to retire early. :) By the time all our kids are done with college and started on their own families/careers, we'll still be young enough to go do what we want (like move to Germany or travel the world!).
Terrawellness- I agree with you, you can't say that all older moms will have fertility and health problems. My Mom had me at 38, had no toruble getting pregnant and experienced no health problems while pregnant. I also have a co-worker who just delivered her 1st child at age 41. Her and her husband did not try to get pregnant because of her age and then they just had a healthy surprise.
Also, this year, one of my college friends who is 24 gave birth to an extremely premature baby. My college friend did not live a helathy lifestyle before the pregnancy, had several health problems during the pregnancy and delivered the baby at 24 weeks due to gestational diabetes.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to all of this. I am enjoying reading the responses and think they bring up valid points on both sides of theissue. Every woman is ready to have children at different ages. My Mom was widowed at 27, so she was not planning for kids in her mid to late twenties. She married my Dad at age 34.
For me I want to wait until 30+ so that I can finish a masters degree, be more settled in my career, have the ability to save, allow FI to pursue a masters, travel, be a couple etc...
I agree that I don't think there is any right age to have a child it depends on the couple.
FI and I are excited to start trying for a baby right after the wedding (will both be 27) but I also will have health complications that will make it harder the longer I wait!
But that is what is right for us - my parents were older parents mom 33 and dad 39 when they had me but they were fun and active throughout my whole life including now.
I really don't like the term old mom. I don't think there is a right or wrong time to have kids... only the individual can decide what's right for them.
I know that I'll be on the mature spectrum since I didn't get married until I was 38, and I'm perfectly ok with that. I've seen both sides since my mom had me when she was 18. There are pros and cons at every age, but I really don't think it's the age that makes a mom young or old, it's her heart.
Case in point my mom is nearly 10 years younger than Mr. DG's mom, but his mom *seems* so much younger and more active to me. It's all individual.
I had my son at 29 and might be an old mom and I also don't like or care for that term.
I don't consider myself old at 40, and my "innards" as my doc would say, are in tip top shape and I can have another if I so choose to.
It's all in how you treat your body..as a temple or a garbage receptacle. You have many more life options imho, if you just respect it!
Well,since I've already been all your ages,I can easily say my 40's were my favorite. I traveled and lived many places in my early 20's,had my first daughter at 25,my second at 30 and a whole new career at 35. At 56,I still have one daughter yet to get married,and no grandbabies on the horizon. I have days I feel like I'm 86, tho, and wonder how it happened.
My brother just turned 60 and has 3 sons.....25, 24 and 16! All are still home and he's more embarrassed than my youngest nephew is about his age, since all the friends' Dads are in their 40's. He started later too,and while many of his peers are approaching retirement,he sees no end in sight for him. You know what he always says ? He's just plain tired. I don't care how well you take care of yourself ,your body just ages and does not spring back as easily as it once did. He's always been an athlete and is a Physical Therapist (who works out daily) but it doesn't matter....your body wears out.
Everyone will make the decision that is right for them,and that's how it should be. Doesn't hurt to hear about some of the flip side,tho. :o)
my ideal is to have children when we're a little bit younger because my parents were young-ish when they has their kids (25-30) and were able to be really active and involved...but I realize that 60 year olds can be relaly active and 40 year olds can not!
But i also don't believe their is ever a "perfect" time to have children...there's always a reason to put it off. So we're waiting until we're settled, as in, staying in place permanently, and then having kids. Could be in 3 years, could be in 10!
My mom was both. She had my older sister at 20, me at 23, and then began having more kids at 36. I think that she enjoyed being a younger mom, more than being an older mom, though. My little sister is 15, and I have twin brothers who are 12, and I feel like she is just tired much of the time. They don't do as many things as we did when we were young, mostly because both of my parents bodies are just older, and they are constantly having some sort of medical issue or another.
I also feel bad for her because all of the parents of friends she deals with are in their early thirties, and she's almost 50. I think she feels a lot older than them and a bit out of place at school functions. This summer was her 30 year class reunion, and she was the only person who had to find a babysitter.
PS: I'm in the south, which means it's pretty normal to have kids really young, and I can't honestly can't name one person I know who began having kids later than 28 or so. I don't want to start before I'm 27, and I constantly get friends telling me that starting that late puts ME into the "old mom" catergory. So yes, if 27 is old mom territory, so be it.
My mom was 32 when I was born, and 35 when my brother was born, and she jokes about my first day of Kindergarten when she looked around at the other mothers and thought “why is everyone’s older sister here, and not their mom?” – then she realized, those were the moms! :-)
I will be 29 or 30 when we try for our first child, and R will be 45. His age is the biggest reason we’ll try for a child after our first year of marriage – I’d be fine to wait until I was well into my 30’s.
I have friends that had children young, and honestly, I can’t imagine it. I know everyone wants different things out of life – but I can’t imagine not having spent my 20’s with myself – for me to grow and learn and explore the world, before being ready to settle down and dedicate my life to someone else (the little one).
Oh! Last night I randomly watched “The Secret Lives of Women” and it was about the states with no minimum age for marriage, and child brides in the US (like, 13 and 14 year olds getting married). They ALL had kids, most before they were 15. I cannot even fathom the thought that had I done that, and my daughter done that – I could be a grandmother within the next year or so. That’s seriously scary!!!!
I guess both my FI and I will experience both ends of the spectrum. I had my daughter when I was 21 years old. Had a textbook pregnancy and I am almost positive I will not bounce back as quickly the next time around. My FI has 2 kids, 1 at 17, 1 at 22.
I am now 34, he is 41 (will be 42 on Christmas Eve) and we feel SO much more confident about being parents now. We are both fairly healthy, financially stable, more aware of who we are as people so I definitely think that for us, being older parents will be a plus. The fact that we have a combined 3 kids under our belts already doesn't hurt either =) Physically...I may have a harder time than I did when I was younger but I am doing as much as I can to prep my body so I can have the best pregnancy possible when the time comes.
I guess I'll be an old mom too, since I will be 29 or 30 before we start trying. Honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I have friends that had children beginning at age 20, and they missed a good portion of the experience of being incredibly carefree in your early 20s. For me, this has been the perfect timetable for my life... I'm guessing most of us feel that way no matter what our situation :).
I will probably be a young mom. My SO will be 30 on the 30th of this month and I don't want him to be much older than 35 by the time we start having kids. I'd be 24 and out of college for 5 years, definitely established in my career. I'm 19 now and I've never been into partying and stuff. I did tons of traveling during my childhood with military parents so I feel really blessed to have had the opportunity to see alot of the world already. I think me being a young mom is much much better than SO being an old dad. I want him to have the energy to chase them around and to be around when they graduate high school, college, and to walk his baby girl down the aisle at her wedding, you know?
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