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Firstly, there is such a thing as ONLY inviting people to a ceremony. You can invite your really close friends, and immediate family to a small reception, and all the extended family to the ceremony.
Secondly, who says you need to have a sit-down dinner? We're doing a 1pm ceremony, then a reception at 2 with cake, punch and a few desserts and a short dance. I assume it'll be done by 5-6pm.
Or, you could do just a ceremony. For real.
Then you and your fiance go out to a fancy dinner together, or with you immediate families, that way it's more special, and intimate.
There is no way I could spend that much, not even afford it. And I won't go into debt over ONE DAY. It's not that important.
You can do it, you just have to think a little out-of-the-box
I plan on having 150 people at my wedding and doing it for under $5000. And I WILL do it! Everybody thinks I'm crazy, but I swear I'll do it. I plan on having 2 bands and a DJ. Yep. 2 bands and a DJ. Ways I've saved...well the dress is bought. Paid for by my mother. That was on clearance. It has a few snags here and there, but one of my maids is a whiz with that kinda stuff. My friend is a DJ, he said he'd do my wedding for $100! Yep. A few of my other friends are in this really great 80's cover band and their doin it for $300 and my fiances friend has a rockabilly band that will do it for the same price. Im putting a cap on my bar tab at $1000. After that my guests can pay their own way...sorry. I'm providing entertainment and food, if they wanna get good and drunk they can do it on their own dime. I know that may seem harsh, but HEY! My grandmother is giving me her wedding band so thats done. We're renting a hall for $350. My best guy friend is getting ordained for $35 and he's marrying us....I still have a lot to figure out but I plan on doing this. OH and another one of my maids has a good friend who does wedding cakes and she agreed to do mine (I want cupcakes) for $225. Phew. I know I can do this! And so can you, you just have to think outside the box a little. Good Luck!
@leah, what are you doing for photography?
That's an EXPENSIVE area that I really am blessed, my sister in law owns her own photography business and is doing my whole wedding free of charge. She is soo amazing.
What about flowers?
I was going to go wholesale on my flowers, from a farmers market, and do them the day before. But then my SIL offered to pay for them too.
Wedding stuff is out of control price wise! Look on CL for vendors and ask for cheaper rates if they need the business they'll do it!
Also, on the craigslist note - you can find a lot of student photographers, make up artists, stylists etc- they're still in school - but are generally REALLY talented and do great work. Just be sure to ask to see their work! Esp the photogs
It bothers me a little when people talk about how they're doing a great wedding on the cheap and then explain that they have family in friends in all the relevant industries who are giving them free or heavily discounted services. I don't know ANYONE who could perform or provide ANY of my wedding services, and unless I go seek out friends in the next year and a half solely for the purpose of using them to obtain wedding services. I don't think I'm alone in this. leah, it is SO AWESOME that you know people who can do all these things, but many of us don't, and for us it's a heck of a lot more expensive to try and plan a wedding within a certain budget.
Renting a place and feeding 200 people and entertaining them is expensive, even if it's not a wedding. But.............you can get it below $50 a head for food. I had a lot of food, and really good food at $32 a head, which includes appetizers dinner and cake, and that wasn't cutting back at all so I'm sure you can do it for less. But we didn't do it at hotel and had someone who was a good cook but was just starting up a business. There's ways to do it.
Figure out a price you're willing to spend. Even if you say $2000 you can always do potluck or rely on close family to help with cooking. I'm in my late 20's so people my age have stopped doing this but my sisters friends in their early 20's have opted to go this way for some of them, especially those just buying a house and she's had a blast at those weddings just as much as any other.
girl i know how you feel - i actually set a limit at 19K just because i didnt want to go to 20! lol
but its hard. i picked a venue with a limited amount of space which forces the guest list to be down. so we are doing about 120 folks for our budget. small for us since if you just do my family alone = i have 18 aunts and uncles, 36 if you include spouses, and about 74 first cousins.... ugh.
and quite frankly - those who pay have a say who is invited. if your FH and his fam is paying for this wedding, then let them do what they want. if they are expecting your family to foot the bill for this big huuuge church wedding that you cant afford, then put your foot down.
it helps too when Grooms understand that each person you invite is $XX of money. my FH finally stopped randomly inviting people and demanding we do this or that when he realized SOMEONE HAS TO PAY FOR IT.
so if you are in the beginning stages, its ok to dream big, but once you get a budget, you realize you have to reign it in a bit.
Ok, first of all, deep breaths. I totally hear you, and when I actually stop to think about how much my wedding is going to cost it pretty much makes me sick. There are so many other important things that we could be doing with that money... so I just try not to think about that giant sum of money getting dropped all at once on one day.
If it is so important to your FI's family to have EVERY single one of their distant family members in attendance, maybe they will want to pitch in some $$?
Good luck!
Maybe FI will come to his senses when he sees how much money it will cost to invite everyone he knows. :) He's probably really excited about the wedding, which is a good thing. If this is what he wants, then he'll definitely have to come up with a way to accomodate all of those extra guests.
Have you guys set a budget yet of what you can spend? Budget is the most important thing from the get go... not the guest list. Don't freak out though, it's likely that he'll be reasonable with you and hopefully you can come to a good compromise on who can be invited later on down the road.
You can so do things! I was able to pull together my budget by seriously slashing my guest list. For real. My mom has about 150 people she wanted to invite and we absolutely put our foot down. There are about 62 on our current list. You need to give your FI a reality check, or do what the other bees have suggested. You can do an afternoon wedding with a cake and punch reception. You can have an open ceremony and then go to an intimate dinner with JUST the immediate family. It's not really good etiquette to have an invite-only reception. Kinda a no-no.
I also was able to cut down my costs by doing LOTS of shopping around, going with small, mom-and-pop vendors and haggling my butt off. I talked our photog down from $4k to $1500. Our venue agreed to waive our room rental fees. The tiny florist I found is about half the cost of everyone else. I'm DIYing what I can. I'm using craiglist, ebay and other internet vendors.
It takes effort, but you can definitely find the good deals. You may also consider an off-day wedding. It's much cheaper.
i agree (even though our wedding is at $18K...) it's REDICULOUS how expensive weddings are.
I've DIY'd a lot of stuff. our invitations, our flowers (well, a friend at work is doing them as my wedding gift - and they were all silk bought from old time pottery), our centerpieces, part of our favors - the other favors I bought from dollar tree!
the reason our wedding is costing a lot - my husband, who's a catering manager (thank god for that - our catering for 100 people is ONLY gonna be like $550 - getting everything at cost!) but he's done a few weddings at this spectacular place in downtown indy that he HAD to be married at...the venue alone cost us $7,500 - AND that was "cheap" compared to what the venue normally costs - because my husband has worked parties there before the owner gave us a discount!
everything else just adds up...dress, shoes, hair, jewelry ($1,500 total) their tuxes, alcohol, videography (which we're getting a kick-butt deal on too - all day - all images - $1,500 whereas a lot of photog places charge $3,000 but she's just starting off).
however - you CAN do a FABULOUS wedding for SO much cheaper!
honestly call every single caterer you can to find out prices - if you don't want to do catering, what about a restaurant such as fazolis? there are a ton of restaurants that cater for MUCH cheaper than catering places.
and how about a public park for your venue?
DIY your cake. DIY your flowers. look in the classifieds or on craigs list for your dress.
believe me, i HATE looking at the number we've spent on our wedding cuz it's like "seriously? i could have paid off ALL my debt and had some left over for what we've spent on "one day"...but for us it's worth it because it IS something you only do once and we will have the photographs, video and memories forever. ya only live once, right?
but again - there are SO many ways to do up a grand wedding for not a lot of money.
good luck!
Sometimes I get sick when I think about how much is being spent on one day. Granted my future in laws are paying for half but STILL. We could put a downpayment on a house. I wrestle with it all the time.
@veganglam I don't know why you would be bothered that a couple can do a wedding on the cheap because of friends and family help. That's a big part of budget wedding planning, looking at the resources you have available -- even if it's a little help or almost the entire wedding! It doesn't make it less of a budget wedding just because a couple has a lot of the convenient connections. I didn't think I had ANY friends or family who could help us out until friends contacted their friends, and family reached out to their conections. Networking really helped. What bothered me is that people assumed I couldn't do it on my budget. I'm showing them I can. So what if I have help? I'm still accomplishing my goal!
Even if you don't have those connections at all, you can still be budget savvy and frugal with how much you spend. Being a bride on a budget, you have to be resourceful, whether it's coupon clipping, researching, negotiating or maximizing your social network.
Wow. I'm a pretty laid back person, I didn't mean to step on toes. Luckily, in my world I am blessed to know people who would love to help me. I'm also not afraid to even ask acquaintances for favors. I'm trying to save money, and really, I have no shame. Not when it comes to this. Luckily, people that know me know I'd do the same for them if asked. I've helped some of them out in the past already. My advice is to shop around, ask family/friends if they know anybody. If not move on to Craigslist. For a photographer, I've asked my photography teacher to do it....also, I know a few photographers that offer smaller packages. Like, bride getting ready, ceremony and 1 hour of reception. That would save you money. I'm doing a rustic wedding and plan on getting most of my decor from my back yard. SO sorry that my earlier comment may have come across badly...not the intention. I just wanted to share that doing a wedding for under 20grand is possible.
@newbee bride, I think I can explain why I agree with how veganglam feels...because I'm super jealous! I don't have anyone to do stuff for me for free or reduced cost! ::whine:: not fair! Lucky you!
I agree, restaurants can serve a meal instead of appetizers from a caterer for much cheaper. We had iced tea, meatballs, pasta, french bread and salad from Johnny Carinos for $10/person total plus they cut the cake without the per person price tag.
i've had some nagging thoughts too, when i think about how my dad offered to just write me a check for the $25,000 he budgeted for the wedding so i could manage it myself and if i decided to run off and elope i could still keep it. but i am that girl who has always dreamed of her wedding and I have fully enjoyed every minute of planning and all the fun traditions that go along with it (STILL in withdrawl from my bachelorette party that was 2 weeks ago! it was SO FUN!). not that you can't have those traditions and still do something on the cheap, but i dunno, i want the whole shibang. and i didn't let him do that because i knew we'd go over budget, which we did a while ago...lol! it's kind of inevitable. don't even ask me what the total cost is now cuz i have no idea.
@newbee: no, I didn't at all say that I was actually bothered by a budget bride being able to lean on friends and family for wedding services. I actually said that I think it's AWESOME that leah, and anyone else with that ability, can do that, and I wish I knew some people with wedding-relevant skills! However, it's misleading to say that you threw a certain sort of wedding on X budget when you didn't actually pay market value for your services, and I've seen it leave a lot of budget brides without service hookups frustrated that they aren't able to afford the sort of wedding they want, despite finding blogs and websites and posts where brides claim they spent, say, $5k on a wedding that, if they'd paid market value for all their services, would have cost a heck of a lot more. In addition to seeing proof of that here on the bee, a friend of mine who is getting married this year had to make do with a lot less than she anticipated she could afford on her budget after reading blogs and stuff for inspiration and realizing there was no way to do what they did for the amount of money she had, since she only had one service hookup (a hairstylist sister, who provided a service which isn't really a big ticket purchase even in the most extravagant wedding). Yeah, it's totally possible to get creative, hit craigslist, and save a lot of money in so doing, but for those who really can't find any wedding service connections, they either have to give up some of their dreams or go over budget.
I refused also. I bought two dress (one for ceremony and one for reception) as samples for 100 for each. Did all the centerpeices myself for less than 10 each. Got deals on lots of thing thru Craigslist and WeddingBee. Decided on only appetizers and desserts for the reception (late evening wedding). I am doing it all for less than $3500 and still getting the wedding I have always dreamed about without the least bit of tachiness. It is totally possible to do if you do alittle DIY, and take the time to search out the deals.
A few ideas. First you can invite everyone to the ceremony (maybe around 2 p.m.), followed by a simple champagne and cake reception. Then have a dinner at 7 p.m. for only your closest family/friends. Or intead of the dinner, you could have a brunch the following day.
OR, you could have a morning reception followed by a buffet brunch. Brunch is generally much less expensive than dinner.
OR, (what I am doing) instead of a seated meal have a heavy hors doeuvres "strolling" luncheon or dinner, much less expensive than a seated meal.
I'm getting our invitations from CostCo. I'm having my dress made for $500-750. We are not having attendants, the only flowers will be bouquet, mothers' corsages, fathers' and groom's boutinniere. Considering not giving favors either. Budget goal is under $10,000.
Oh, also look for a reception venue that doesn't charge a rental fee on top of the catering charge. Some places rent for thousands, others are "free" with the food.
Gosh I always feel bad for brides to be when I see posts (and even talk to my friends who are getting married this year) who are STRESSED majorly about making the wedding of their dreams happen within a reasonable budget.
My biggest piece of advice would be to remember this day is about YOU GUYS! and what you want. Is it more important for you to have an amazing dress and fantastic photos of the day...and maybe not have as many people (maybe have a separate bbq later for the people that got left off the list) then work it like that. If its more important for every single person you have ever known to come to your wedding then skimp on the dress and photos. everyone on a budget has to prioritise whats the most important thing(s) and then go from there.
Good luck!
Who said you had to pay market value or what the starting price is all the time? Why is a valid budget only based on market price? If you paid what the wedding industry says you have to pay, it will be very difficult to reach a "low budget" wedding (hence the insane budgets we see all the time). What I meant by my post was that being a budget savvy bride means utilizing all your connections whether its one or a dozen. Networking is one way of many to reach your budget goal and the more you have, the easier it will be (that's true in all areas of life--job hunting career, etc.) Having more connections does not make your budget irrelevant or misleading, because using networked hookups is just one option of many. A bride may not live near a wholesale flower market to find great discounts on flowers like those in big cities. Just because it's not available to her does not mean it's not a viable option for other brides. My friend found her bridesmaid dresses for a cheap $20 at a chain store that doesn't exist in my state. I can say "no fair, that doesn't count!" but just because it's not available to me, doesn't mean it's not possible for other people.
You make it seem like no one can find connections or hookups except a limited few. I know plenty of brides who have reached their budget through friends and family hookups (non-bloggers and regular folks like you and me). I didn't think I had any connections when we first started planning. I heard of brides getting free hairstylists, Djs, etc through friends and family and I thought that I could never get in on that (and yes, I admit, I was jealous). Then I spoke to my friends who knew a friend, who knew a friend and so on. Or family who had friends I didn't know of before. Never underestimate the power of a good word! But it would have never occurred to me to ask had I not heard of a bride who got a lot of discounts through her own networked connections.
If you don't have the hookups to freebies or great discounts, then there are many other options to help you reach your budget. It's great to look at other weddings for inspiration, ideas and tips, but you should look at what is possible and realistic for you. Instead of looking at other weddings and thinking, "Gee, that wedding cost $5,000 and look what they had. I can do it too!" and then feeling frustrated that you can't, you should look at how they were able to achieve that cost. If you see that catering was provided by a friend, and the DJ was free, then you should look at the resources and connections available to you. If you don't have it, then move on and look at your other options and create a realistic budget for you. If other brides can achieve that budget with the help of hookups, cool, then I know it is possible, maybe not for me, but for other people. It's natural to feel a little jealous by all the hookups a bride may get for her wedding when you might not have the same deal, but nothing to feel "a little bothered" by. ;)
I paid for the wedding and hubby paid for the hoenymoon. The wedding, reception and the pig raost the next day came in under 5K. Now we didn't have a lot of stuff that others seem to find necessary : like limos, open bar, DJ, etc. But it was a blissful day - beautiful and happy. Concentrate on what you really really want and screw the rest.
All I know is that my wedding is going to be around 13,000 and that is for only 50 people. And we are doing it very cheap compared to others. I hate it and would love to have eloped to Maui or something but the FI had to have this big wedding.
You don't have to spend 20k on one day and you can a cheap fabulous wedding but you can't have a certain type of wedding for cheap.
If it's important to your FI to invite all his family than I think (if you're having a wedding at all instead of courthouse) that you should do so, that sense of community is such an important part of weddings.
However with a large guestlist you're going to have to go with either no dinner (which can still be awesome and fun, dessert, yum) or make peace with spending a ton of money.
I think the real problem sadness comes in when a bride can't/finds it painful to spend a ton (very understandable) but can't live without a photographer or a sit down meal etc. etc. (or her mom or FI can't live without them). :)
If you step out of the traditional wedding checklist (which isn't even very old) you don't have to spend a ton!
Oh no!!! Hugs!
In my humble opinion, I don't think that the abusrdity of the amount of money to be spent is really the big issue here. I think it's the fact that you and your FI don't agree about the amount. I think that you and your Fi need to sit down and figure out a way to meet in the middle. You are not going to be happy (no matter how beautiful and grandiose this wedding is gonna turn out) if you spend 20 K on it and your FI would not be happy if you uninvite some of his distant relatives.
Good luck to you and your FI! :)
Wow! This is what I love about Weddingbee! I feel so much better after reading all of your comments! I'm going to really look into familial connections (since he insists on inviting everyone, may as well put them to work!) I'm willing to compromise on pretty much everything. The only thing that is important to me about this wedding is that at the end of the day, he and I are man and wife, til death do us part.
Honestly, I don't care much about the dress. I won't spend more than $300 on it, hopefully less than that. I care about photography, but not $4,000 worth of photography. I don't care about flowers, they can be fake from the dollar store for all I care. I don't care about centerpieces or favors or anything like that. I mean, I care in the sense that I want everything to look nice. But I don't care if we have to forego fancy centerpieces or whatever. I don't care about taking a limo to the reception. I don't care about getting my hair done professionally.
I care about standing up in front of friends and family (that we actually know!) and promising to love one another, for better or worse, richer or poorer (and by poorer I do not mean going into debt over a wedding!), as long as we both shall live. And I care about having a wonderful evening, surrounded by the ones we love, celebrating the love we have for each other.
It's just really sad to me that this could end up costing so much money. I'm hoping to sit down and discuss with him (after he puts the ring on my finger) a budget. I gave him a budget for the ring already, so hopefully he sticks to that. When we looked at rings, he was picking out 1.5 carat rings of good quality and setting them in platinum (we looked on blue nile and USAA). I told him I didn't want to wear more than $5,000 on my finger (which would be closer to 0.5 carat). But for some reason, he really thinks it's important to get me an amazing (and expensive) ring. We may be having another chat very soon about all of this. I just don't understand why he wants to spend this kind of money... :/
I might be wrong but I think you guys should discuss your spending habits. I mean, two tight persons can get along as much as two extravagant ones. Troubles come when one is tight whereas the other is extravagant. And to be perfectly clear, I'm more on your future husband side... I'd rather elope than having a cheap-at-al-costs wedding. Granted, I do prioritize my purchases, and there are things I don't mind letting go of. But I hate to have cheap food and cheap decorations just because I need to save money (in fact, I cut the guest list to the bone, but the food is going to be good stuff, and plenty of it!). It sounds to me like you want to be tight on everything... so discuss it with your future husband. He is a Catholic, so in his mind there is no way he is going to get married twice, THAT IS WHY it is so important for him to invite everybody in his family.
not fun! we are having a guest list of 125 and are spending $5000 on everything(that includes two dresses, since i got fat one day! lol) it's doable, you just have to do most of it yourself, and pick something other than prime rib for dinner!! i've always wanted to do a soup buffet, but the hubs said no-cause it's too warm in june to have soup! you can make it ahead of time and just hire someone to serve! faily inexpensive if you ask me... but i frickin love soup!
p.s.- only a crazy person would pay full price for something when five extra minutes you can get the same thing half price.. hey, that kinda sounded like the gretchen wilson song.. lol
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Holy cow. Holy freakin' cow. This wedding stuff is EXPENSIVE. I'm getting so frustrated and I haven't even officially started planning. :'( I am not going to spend twenty THOUSAND dollars on less than 7 hours of my life. I'm just not going to do it. I don't know I can pull of the wedding my groom seems to want but I cannot and will not spend that kind of money.
Gah. I'm panicking. We started talking about setting a date (11.11.11) and a location (was going to be a DW to Jamaica). What we've decided is that since it's very important to his family (and him on some level) to marry in the Catholic church, to marry in his hometown in the Catholic church.
Well, his family is full of really really good Catholics. And he wants to invite all of them. First cousins, second cousins, third cousins, cousins he hasn't seen in 20 years, cousins he doesn't know their names, cousins he's never met. And I just don't get it. I realize that they all live in his hometown but that doesn't mean he has to invite them all.
We're looking at a guest list of estimated 200 (I say estimated because he has NO IDEA how many cousins he has). At $50 a head for 200 people (what seems to be a reasonable estimate for catering) that's $10,000. That's not including decorations, centerpieces, favors, dj, photography, attire, church fees, transportation, hotel, or anything.
I don't understand why he thinks he needs to invite these people he doesn't even know! I get that they're hanging off the family tree somewhere, but that doesn't mean they need an invite. I'm so overwhelmed and he hasn't even put the ring on my finger yet.