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I have to say that it takes me by surprise. While I agree about the rational and how for parties they should "send you a thank you", I think weddings follow their own set of etiquette rules.
I think you are doing the nice, polite thing, whether or not it is proper etiquette :)
Just when you think you've got the etiquette thing figured out, miss manners throws you for a loop! I had no idea, and I had planned on sending thankyous to everyone, too, regardless of whether or not they bring a gift.
This is a very confusing topic! It's hard to know what the right thing to do in this circumstance is. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.
Meh - I don't think that's a big deal. I guess it's possible, like Miss Manners said, that some people will think you're giftgrabbing, but I doubt that many will. Most people will probably think it's sweet.
This is why I hate etiquette. Why turn a thoughtful gesture into something that "may seem like gift-grabbing"?!
I've never considered sending a thank you note to someone just for attending a party. Isn't the dinner and drinks you provide thanks enough for showing up to celebrate?
But I'm sure there's nothing wrong with doing it. I'd never not give a gift to a wedding so I can't say how I'd feel about it if I was a guest who received one, but I imagine they would appreciate it, especially if they traveled a long way for the wedding.
This is exactly why I think Miss Manners should mind her own. I completely disagree with that whole response.
Not surprisingly, I ignore etiquette and ask myself only if I'm being a considerate person. I find etiquette is like a religion. Everyone has their own and no one can agree which one is "right." I think as long as your intentions are good and you are seeking to be good to others, you can ignore "etiquette" completely.
Well, Miss Manners' business *is* etiquette -- and she is very knowledgeable on the subject, so in this case she *is* "minding her own". She isn't decreeing a new rule: what she says has been true for generations -- except for the bit about it being seen as gift-grubbing. That is new, and it happens because of the sense of gift-entitlement that has been fostered under the "new etiquette" of the Post Institute. In previous generations when mavens advised restrained gift-giving -- for fear of being seen as ingratiating or imposing -- the suspicion never arose. It would be an unkind thought, so have enough faith in your guests that they aren't going to think it.
A nice note after an affair saying that you loved seeing your guest and wished to spend more time with them, hits a nice balance. While not literally a "thank-you" note, it could conceivably open a more extended correspondence, or a follow-up meeting for coffee, so why not? But, *guests* should take note, and consider sending their thank-you letters for their bread-and-butter -- especially if they find they have been waiting in frustration thinking that they are *owed* a note for their mere attendance. Etiquette is far better employed as a light on your own social obligations, than as justification for accusing others.
I didnt write thank you notes for those that came and did not give a gift. Some may disagree, however, Im not going to sit there and write 120+ thank you cards when I provided 3 full meals, entertainment, dessert, open bar and wonderfully filled out of town bags! I dont disagree with sending them to all your guests if that is what you would like to do, but I dont find it necessary!
I think writing thanks for attending seems weird. It totally makes sense to say it was so fun to see you, while writing a note of appreciation for something thoughtful that someone gave you. But unless it's a case of someone coming long distance...destination wedding style and which was going completely out of their way to be there, then I think it seems illogical for a formal thank you to be sent for just attendance.
How about a pretty blank card that doesn't say THANK YOU on the front, and just write a note telling them how nice it was to have them at the wedding? Everyone likes getting a real piece of mail :)
hmmm, i am glad i came across this thread. i don't know what is going to happen with regards to getting gifts or not since my wedding has not passed yet. but until now i had assumed i would be writing thank you notes for everyone who attends...but that is partly because i am having a destination wedding in Jamaica. so people will be going well out of their way to attend. of course, i know people are also getting a vacation out of it for themselves.
now i see the rationale in not needing to send one if all they did was attend...but i like the idea of sending a note saying it was nice to you see you etc. i also want to include a small wedding picture for everyone who was there, so that would be my reason to send notes to everyone.
my dilemma is that i ordered my thank you notes already as part of a set with my invitations....and they have Thank You written on the front. will that be okay to send to guests who attend but don't give a gift?
I plan on writing prompt TY's to anyone who gave a gift (at shower and wedding) or even just a card. To anyone who didn't and would be left off the TY list, remember that you did give them a favor at the wedding (form of TY) and for our out of towners I am making special gifts to give them at the rehearsal dinner for their travel.
I've been strictly adhearing to Peggy Post this past year and hope this plan of mine is acceptable!
Our general rule was in line with Ms. Manners -- we sent thank-you's to guests who gave us gifts and did not send thank-you's to guests who did not.
We did make a couple of exceptions, though -- we sent thank you's to a couple of guests that did not give us gifts, but had been a major part of the wedding or had traveled at great expense to be there.
One of our exceptions was a groomsmen in the wedding who had not given us a gift, but had been super helpful in setting up and had to travel at a very inconvenient time to come to our wedding. We were genuinenly very appreciative for and humbled by his and his wife's presence and the great lenghts they went to to be there, and for that reason and because he had been such a big part of the wedding, it felt weird NOT to send him a thank you. So we did, and thanked them for being there and for all of their help, told them humbled we were, etc. However, awkwardly, they purchased us a gift from our registry about five days later -- the day after our thank you would have reached them by mail. I felt sick about it, wondering if we had accidentally "guilted" them into buying us a gift. So, I don't think Ms. Manners is wrong about that last part... I guess I would just proceed cautiously there.
Thank you for posting this because I was totally going to write thank-yous to everyone!
Maybe we'll just put a big group thank-you on our website afterwards or email out some pics of everyone having fun with a "thank you."
@Sassy5412: I plan to do the same for my semi-destination wedding, including sending a photo.
As an older bride who has more than enough "stuff," I have conveyed to my guests that I consider their attendance gift enough. I recognize that they are already going out of their way (both financially and otherwise) by traveling and booking hotel rooms, and I would hate to think that someone might decline the wedding invitation because they cannot afford to travel and also give a gift (which DOES happen). For those who are compelled to give something, I am encouraging charitable donations in memory of my father or FH's aunt. (There's likely an etiquette rule against this, but my guests don't seem to be offended.)
Given my position on the whole gift-giving thing, I consider it perfectly appropriate to send a note thanking my guest for being a part of our special day. It may not be obligatory according to formal etiquette rules, but IMHO, there's no such thing as "too much" gratitute.
Here is my rule: Do what my mom says. :) Honestly I think sooo much of etiquette is conditional on our region or even our specific family. So when in doubt I just ask my mom what to do and do what she says because she's the one who is going to hear about it if I screw up! (I'm sure this would be different if I were older... but everyone coming to the wedding is either family or our friends who aren't married and I'm POSITIVE do not know "proper etiquette" any better than we do)
@CorgiTales: I'm curious what your mom would say on this topic! :)
lol she is online right now so I asked her!
mom: "i think so...but its not soooo important if you don't....now...who would come and not give you a gift????"
I told her she might be surprised... i hear that is becoming more and more common! lol
ohhhhh Miss Manners,
I sent Thank you cards to those that gave gifts...thanking them for the gift...for those who did not bring/give a gift, not thank you card.
I thanked everyone for coming TO the wedding by giving them free drinks and food and also a candy buffet to fill their tummies.
No gift = no card (thank fully only ONE person didnt bring a gift :)
omg update.....!!! I <3 my mom... we're chatting on AIM and she says:
"guess i don't know.......I'd say if people come and eat your food...dance to your music and if there is not a GLARING reason why not gift...(like they already live in the street...or have cancer and no insurance) than...F$#%k them..LOL LOL."
I might add that my mom is like the most polite person ever so that is absolutely hilarious coming from her. In practice I'm sure she'd say to send a card anyways just to be nice, but kind of funny to hear her take on the "no gift" thing (apparently she has never heard of anyone attending a wedding without giving a gift)
@CorgiTales: OMG - your mom is HILARIOUS!!! I love it! Tell her a big THANK YOU from the hive!!! She needs her own 'category" - We could title it "What would CorgiTales Mom say?" :) :)
@oracle: haha she would love that! Except she doesn't know the 'hive exists haha. I send her blog posts sometimes but I don't think she knows about the boards. My family isn't so much about the being online and she'd prob think it was weird I have online friends :)
@CorgiTales: Your moms statement just made my day!!! I agree with her 100%!! And dont worry, my mom would laugh if she knew about the boards as well! :-)
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Beekeeper
I've breached etiquette thinking I was doing the right thing!!
Dear Miss Manners,
Please resolve an etiquette question between me and my fiancé. My fiancé and I are getting married soon. I have purchased some pretty thank you cards so that I can quickly send off thank you notes as soon as the gifts arrive.
Recently it occurred to me that perhaps it is necessary to write thank you notes for all our guests attending the wedding even if it he/she has not given us a gift. If not for his/her presence alone, would it be required to write a thank you note if the guest has traveled to attend our wedding?
I feel as though the presence of all of our guests is a gift, and therefore everyone in attendance should receive a thank you card whether they give us a gift or not. My fiancé believes this way of thinking is excessive. Is he right?
Gentle Reader,
In the midst of a thank you letter famine, Miss Manners is loathe to label any such attempt as excessive. But yes, your fiancé is right.
Hosts do not write to thank guests for their attendance, even though they may respond to their parting thanks with thanks. It is guests who must write letters of thanks to those who entertain them, although this is not necessary for ceremonial occasions.
Of late, Miss Manners has had a number of inquiries from brides who have suggested doing this as a way of prompting guests whom they deem remiss to send presents. While not accusing you of any such motives, she warns you that the suspicion will arise.