(Closed) On a Sadder Note…

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
35 posts
Newbee

while your concern is understandable, stay out of it.  i think you’d be most helpful to them by just being there to listen to them vent, if they choose.  i’m sure the breakup isn’t easy for them and pushing them to get back together is not going to help matters.  they’re both adults, so let them handle it on their own.

Post # 4
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

I agree with anna…. as much as you want to help, I think it would be best to let them work it out on their own, if they choose to.  You need to be a really supportive friend, but avoid taking sides too. 

Post # 5
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2009

If you can see the flaws in their relationship from where you stand, chances are they must be even more obvious for the ones who were in the relationship. As I’m sure you know, communication is vital for a healthy relationship. That’s nothing you can create or spark between a couple… they need to figure it out.

Post # 6
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

i’m going through the same thing with a couple of my friends that have been together since high school but the above advice is right, just stay out of it. this is not your relationship to fix nor would you be able to. its hard and sad to experience but all you can do is hope for the best. all you can do is avoid taking sides and just being there for the both of them should they ever want to talk things out.

Post # 7
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I agree, stay out of it.  One of the reasons that they stayed together so long could have been because other people expected them to.  When really they were not right for each other, and therefore spent many years together when they should have been looking for someone else.  My nephew spent 10 years of his life like that.  Within a year of leaving her, he found a new girl and they will be married in July.  You can tell by looking at him how much happier he is.  If they were not right for each other, be happy for them that they finally figured it out, and could get on with their lives.

I think the fact the they didn’t tell anyone right away really attests to that.

Unless of course they ask you for your opinion.

 

Post # 8
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

STAY OUT! Unless you wanna lose a friend…stay out!

 

Post # 9
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

You say she has become a very good friend of yours, but the fact that they didn’t tell you they broke up for over a month is a pretty good indication that they don’t want people’s opinions.

If either one of them seeeks your counsel, then obviously talk to them but be careful in your wording so you don’t come off judgemental.  I know it’s easier said than done, but try really hard to listen and be as helpful and impartial as possible. 

You cannot fix their issues, no matter how good your intentions are.  It’s really up to them and any outside help they determine necessary.

Post # 10
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I believe that married couples definately should "mentor" other married or engaged couples. However, I don’t know that you should step in and volunteer to counsel your friends. If they ask for the help, then maybe you and your husband should be willing to do that, with some groundrules of course. If they haven’t asked for your help, even though it’s hard, do the best you can to stay out of it. Sometimes the best counsel comes from a neutral or unbiased party(minister, counselor). If they really cared about staying together and moving forward, then one or both would know that they need outside help and would seek it out for the sake of salvaging the relationship.  Just be there as much as you can, but it’s best you and your husband don’t get too involved…..you don’t want to run the risk of wearing down your relationship because of your friends problems.

Post # 11
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2008

While I think counseling or a mentorship would be a fantastic option, unless you or your husband are professionals in this field, I would stay out of it.  You don’t want to run the risk of ruining your own relationship by trying to save someone else’s.  Also, you didn’t mention it, but are they even trying to reconcile?  They may not want to be next in line for marriage.  A lot can happen between jr. high and 30 yrs old, they’ve probably got baggage you can’t even comprehend and if 13 yrs didn’t make them want to get married maybe nothing will.  If it weighs on your heart, recommend professional help and then step back & pray for the best.

Post # 12
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I agree that staying out of the middle, and just trying to be supportive to your friends as individuals is the best thing you can do.  After all, you have no idea what is going on here, and they don’t seem all that excited to share with you.  Any effort to "try to get them to talk" with you there as mediators is probably destined to fail – even if you and your FI were trained counselors, it would actually be inappropriate for you to perform that function when you are personally involved.

I previously dated, lived with, and bought a house with a serious boyfriend – we were together seven years.  When we broke up, he didn’t tell anyone.  As our friends found out, couple after couple suggested counseling.  It was not a lot of fun for me to tell them that I wouldn’t even consider counseling, as the reason for our breakup was that he had not only been cheating on me, but had gotten another girl pregnant. My FI’s divorce was under similar circumstances – his wife was cheating on him in their own bedroom while he was at work! 

The best thing your can do for your friends is to let them know that you will do your best to remain their friends, whether or not they are together as a couple.  Having been together so long, they undoubtedlly have a lot of friends who know them only as a couple, and one or the other of them will lose a lot of friends because of this breakup.  If you do love them, try not to be that kind of friends.

Post # 13
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

it is sad they broke up but i agree with everyone. just bc they were "next in line" to be married the last thing i would be worried about is how his family is going to cope with her not being around anymore or them not getting married. im sure they liked her and will be sad without her around but… oh well, they werent dating her. also, 30 isnt too old to find someone to marry. but if you are worried about him going down a ‘dark path’ sure, make an effort to hang out more but not to mention the ex. keep hanging out with your girlfriend too. just be a positive friend, not an exemplory couple. i could imagine that it might feel to them if you were to extend your offer to "counsel" like you are rubbing in their face that you are married, marriage is fun, why did you fail at their 13 yr relationship… when you have only been married for a few weeks.  not to say counseling isnt good but in this situation i feel you should not be the counselors unless you want to lose your friendship. being together so long this is on par with a divorce &  you need to respect that they know what is best for them. im sure they both feel pretty bummed & a little lost right now 🙁

Post # 14
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

agreed that you should stay out of it.

They are young and you become a very different person from 13-30! Being in a relationship with someone for that long during such impressionable years, I’m sure that both of them feel the need to spread their wings on their own. If it’s meant to be, it will be. If nothing else, the breakup will be the best thing that could happen to their own personal growth.

Post # 15
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

no no no no no and NO! this is not your responsibility nor is it any of your beezwax, no matter how long you’ve known them etc…  

my moh is 33 – and just divorced her husband of 14 years – high school sweethearts.. i knew both of them in high school and well, divorce happens, breakups happen…

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