On different pages about wedding (LONG)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
42135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MrsVC2015:  There is always room for compromise. It’s something the two of you are going to have to do many times in your marriage.

Tell him you would like to set a time to discuss the timeline and the wedding. Scheduling the time allows you both to organize your thoughts. Add it to your calandars as a commitment to each other.

Post # 3
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

MrsVC2015:  I can understand where both of you are coming from. When I get married, it will be a first for me and the second wedding for my SO. He expressed some of the same thoughts about wasting too much money the first time and not wanting a huge wedding party again. Just too much hassle. Compromising is a must–we’ve decided on 2 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen and I’m so down with not spending unnecessarily so it works out.

You guys will have to find a happy medium. Of course you want a photographer, you deserve to be able to look back at the memories you make. You shouldn’t have to go without festivities like a bridal shower just because they had one for his last wedding. If your family wants to throw you one, they can! 

His thoughts need to be taken into account, but he doesn’t get to dictate all the stuff you won’t have just because he’s been there, done that. Give it a little time then broach the subject again. Tell him your dreams and come up with something that both of you can be happy with.

Post # 4
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper

MrsVC2015:  You both have to realise that this isn’t “My Wedding” it is “Our Wedding”. That means both of you need to compromise.

You also need to stop thinking about his former marriage and that he made more sacrifices for her. How did that work out for her? It didn’t right! So why would you want to go down that same path? Maybe her forcing him in to having the big wedding was the start or the catalyst of his thinking she wasn’t the right person for him.


Post # 5
6667 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

When I married DH it was my second wedding and his first. I was over “weddings” and didn’t want to do it all up again. We did compromise on a lot of things-85 people, no bouquet/garter toss,no bridal   party. But we still had a great wedding and reception, and I was glad he insisted on celebrating with our closest friends and family.

Post # 6
7920 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

You need to work out a comprimise- you deserve a wedding and don’t deserve to be punished because of his previous failed marriage.

Post # 7
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think there is room for both of you to give a little and get a little here. For example, your side can throw you a shower, and his side can decide for themselves whether to attend. You can have your bridal party, but they can walk alone.

I agree with Julie on setting aside time to talk about it, and i’d addthat maybe beforehand you each make a list of the things that matter most to you, and the things you are willing to “give” on. 

I understand it’s your first and only wedding, but you need to remember that he wants this to be his last wedding, and it’s not fair to him to sacrifice everything he wants just because he had one already. This day should be about BOTH of you.

Post # 8
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

PPs have it; this is a compromise moment.  Both of you need to set aside the last wedding as something that happened.  Neither of you should be compairing that wedding to the new one.  You can’t think in “your ex-wife got” and he can’t think in “I have already had” becuase neither of that matters at the end of the day when it comes to the wedding between the two of you.  

I would also take the advice on having a list together of the bare minimum of what you want.  It can be a starting point, and maybe you can have a wedding that doesn’t cost as much as his last one. 

Post # 9
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Misswhowedding:  + 1

Some sort of compromise is going to be necessary. But certainly it’s never a good idea to compare previous weddings and come up with unbreakable rules about the next one. He needs to accept that his former marriage is in the past. You may well need to accept that he doesn’t want to replicate it. But there’s room for both of you to reach a happy medium and have the wedding that suits both of you. The past is in the past. Best that it stays there!

Post # 11
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

MrsVC2015:  I’m glad the two of you are working things out, that’s really great but I would be hurt that he “doesn’t want to force his friends to stand up for him again”. Why wouldn’t he want to be supported in his marriage to you? I wouldn’t accept “because it is stupid” as a reason myself. Okay, he doesn’t feel the need to be supported, maybe. But he’s okay with you having bridesmaids and your brothers being his groomsmen. So it’d be like all your wedding and he’s filling in the role of groom. He doesn’t want to have any kind of stamp on the day at all. Not even his friends being there? A couple’s wedding day is supposed to be about both people and the unique love that they share between the two of them. You & Him are a different couple than Ex & Him and your love has equal right to be celebrated.

He “doesn’t want to burden his friends with coming”? To his wedding?! Would his friends not be delighted to see him get married? Especially if it was to the right woman this time.


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