Post # 1
How do you do it? Getting engaged was by far the happiest time and fast forward to now. The stress of planning a wedding long distance, working through the immigration process and dealing with the changes that follow immigration (moving, quitting work, etc.) are driving me nuts.
Last night FI and I got into a stupid fight. He fell asleep without calling to say “I love you”. He’s never forgotten to do that. I couldn’t get a hold of him since he forgot his cellphone so I couldn’t even apologize or set things right and I was worried because it’s not like I would have seen him later that day to smooth things over. Then my stupid paranoid mind started to wonder if this was a sign of times to come, maybe we’d fight all the time and he’d start to get lazy when it comes to maintaining the relationship. How do you keep your wits about you in an LDR? Any tips on fighting fairly?
I can’t wait to be with him but I’m scared of the changes to come and the times when we’ll be figuring out how to live together. Too many factors and it seems like a recipe for disaster!
Post # 3
Communicate communicate communicate!!!
Set aside time to talk regularly, and make that talk time count. Some of it should be fluffy fun every day stuff, and some of it will inevitably have to be planning/immigrating/etc stuff, but let some of it be relationship stuff too. Talk about your expectations for each other – what they are, why you have them, how you feel when they’re not fulfilled. And really listen to each other – and then respect those things!
Talk about your struggles, and give your partner grace. Life happens, and at the end of a long day, sometimes sleep is the most important thing. I totally understand how worrying it must have been not to hear from him, but once you know he’s okay, you have to let it go. You both know it happened, he knows you were worried by it, but you also know it wasn’t intentional and that he didn’t mean to worry/hurt you.
Also, I think it’s SO important to make a choice to trust your partner. Easier said than done, especially if you have been cheated on in the past (at least in my experience), but you CAN make a conscious choice to trust him. You know that he loves you. He wouldn’t have proposed if he didn’t. And if he loves you enough to propose despite the distance, surely he isn’t going to do something as stupid as cheat on you! Let him know your fears, let him know you’re choosing to trust him (even when your emotions don’t want to), and then let him reassure you if necessary.
It’s not easy, but if we do it right, distance really can make our relationships strong!
Post # 4
Ugh…LDR fights are the worst *hugs* I completely understand how you’re feeling – sans the immigration process which I can only IMAGINE (one of my best friends is international and the things that girl goes through are insane!) That has to…suck, for lack of a more eloquent word.
I second daydreamwanderer to communicate, communicate, communicate. One of the best pieces of advice I can offer as far as fighting/passionately disagreeing with your FI is something my undergraduate advisor once said during a lecture: “During a fight, never get hysterical and never get historical.” If you can refrain from doing these two things, the fight is about whatever it is actually about, and does not balloon into a million other things or get out of control. As with all pieces of great advice, it is of course easier said than done – I can vouch for that!
Something else I always try to do w/my FI (we’re LDR as well and will possibly be LDR for the first year of our marriage) is to NEVER begin a sentence with “you.” Instead of “You forgot to call me last night and say good night!” I try to word things like “I was really upset/hurt last night when didn’t call to say good night.” Basically, I put “I” at the beginning of the sentence instead of “you.” Although you’re saying the same thing essentially, the second way conveys exactly WHY you’re upset, and doesn’t leave our poor men to try and figure it out on their own 😉 It also keeps the other person from getting defensive.
*hugs* I’m so sorry I know it’s so hard some days. And planning a wedding across national borders has to be incredibly difficult
Post # 5
I don’t know if you’ve browsed any of the earlier LDR threads, but there’s a lot of wisdom in some of them.
Advice for my friend in an LDR
Calling all **Formerly-Long Distance bees** out there!!!!
There’s a lot more too, but these two stuck out at me.
Post # 6
MAlove, I’m in your exact same situation: LDR, international moving to the US and quitting her job, friends and family for him… only worse because I’m in not even engaged yet! Well I must be fair and add that even though I don’t have a ring I know he’s in the process of getting it and he’s very committed to the relationship. But I have to admit I do get super anxious every time we fight or even when he doesn’t say things that I expect him to say, I get sad and question everything, do I know him enough? is it right to follow him and leave everything behind? I do that very often.
Damn I thought I might be able to help you but guess I don’t because I don’t know the solution… Something that I try to do is to be less emotional because I think it’s obviously harder for him to fill my emotional needs over the phone or even to notice them, and if I expect him to I’m going to be dissapointed… And I definitively complain less and pick up less fights than when we are in person… I try to rationalize that we are very far away and maybe it’s a misunderstading and keep more things to myself I guess…
For example, he’s not a very expressive person, and if we were together on I random day I would probably tell him “why don’t you tell me that you love me more often? do you really love me? bla bla”… and sometimes when we’re far away and over the phone I feel the urge to ask him that or to complain, but I just keep my mouth shut…I don’t know how healthy it is but it does help us fight less…
Post # 7
@daydream: Thanks for the links! I’ll take a look at those.
@qui40067: Thanks for the hugs and support. I do try to use “I” and not “you” and I’m usually mindful of it. He’s such a sweetheart and even though logically I knew it was something innocent (he fell asleep), emotionally I’m asking all sorts of questions about our relationship.
@ cherryblossom bee: Are you sure we’re not the same person? I completely understand how you’re feeling. It’s hard because FI shows his love for me by what he does but I need someone to tell me he loves me and since I can’t see what he’s doing it makes me feel unloved even though I know that’s not the case.
Post # 8
communication and lots of patience! i found for me i tend to dwell on things and sometimes make them out worse than they really are. i’ve made a point to always reevaluate my feelings if i’m angry before talking to him. i also try to keep my tone even and not start out on the offensive. if there are misunderstandings i’ll often ask about them and not accuse him off the bat. the phone thing sometimes happens to us and i’ll admit it can be annoying. most of the time i found that when we talked the next day he would often explain what happened without me asking.
*huggles* it’ll work out. i wouldn’t worry too much about it unless there are other issues. i’m with you on the worry about transitioning from a LDR to living together after getting married. but i think it’s natural and honestly healthy. it says that you want to make sure your relationship works. just make sure you are able to talk with each other and that you’re patient. 🙂