- 4 years ago
First I just want to say that I love this place and am so appreciative of all of you who choose to chime in when Bees come here in crisis, dealing with abuse and/or violence in their relationships. This space is a really wonderful outlet for people who, for whatever reason, can’t speak to anyone personally about what they are going through.
There have been a lot of threads lately related to domestic violence, abuse/control, etc (some have been deleted), so I just wanted to make some suggestions for regular bees who may reply to these threads. Victims of domestic/interpersonal violence deal with it in a myriad of ways, and, while we can make some generalizations about the cycle of abuse and control, each relationship is different. On an internet message board there are always going to be dynamics we don’t know about. I’ve seen a lot of responses in these threads that use wording that can in fact be harmful/dangerous for the OP – for example, I see a lot of folks respond with “well you definitely need to go get a restraining order right now” or “you NEED to call the police” or “you HAVE to get in a car and go”. Some times I think some replies even unintentionally border on victim-blaming. I just want to encourage everyone to keep in mind that what works for one person may not work for another. In some abusive relationships, a protective order can escalate the violence and lead to serious physical harm and death. A piece of paper can’t stop a bullet, and if the abuser is prone to disregarding the law or feels intensely threatened by a protective order/police presence, they may do things that the OP didn’t think they would ever do.
This is just a post to ask all of you to remember that your experience, or your best friend’s, or your mother’s, is not the OP’s experience. I think it’s great to share those stories in threads about abuse (though good to recognize when even doing that can be overwhelming for someone in crisis), but with phrasing that makes it clear that just because this one avenue worked for you doesn’t mean it will work for them. For some victims of abuse, getting out RIGHT NOW could endanger their lives, and they would benefit more from connecting with local resources that can help them plan an escape secretly when the time is right.
If you happen upon a thread related to abuse, power/control, domestic violence and think the OP could benefit from talking to someone trained in working with DV victims, feel free to tag me (@DVhelp) or send me a PM.
Also, another bee recently suggested that I create a thread where bees can ask whatever they’d like about DV, abuse, abusers, etc, so this thread can certainly just be a place to discuss those issues in general terms if I can be of any help.
Thank you all so much for the support you give to those who come here in crisis!