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What a wonderful post! I wasn't ever really on the fence, but I knew for sure taht I would wait until my thirties to try to have kids and I'm really glad I did. I think the reality of life as a parent in NYC is really different from other parts of the country so maybe that is why I'm not scared. People do everything with kids here. I'm glad it worked out so well for you, and hopefully others who have the same fears can take comfort in your story.
I am still scared about L&D, what having a kid will do to my body and the career implications. Oh well.
What an honest and thoughtful post. Thank you so much for sharing your story, including your fears and joys. Much of what you wrote, I see in myself, and it is enormously helpful and comforting to hear such a candid account that I relate to so well.
Right now, I'm thankfully at a place in which I don't yet have to decide. My husband and I are very much on the same page that we want five years to ourselves before we stop and re-evaluate.
Right now, I do not want and am not ready to have a baby. But I also fully recognize that I may change my mind as I progress further into my marriage and life with my husband. Or maybe I won't. Right now, at 24 years old, it's impossible for me to say how I'll feel about kids when I'm 30.
So far, I've found that being on the fence can be complicated. I almost wish I had stronger feelings one way or the other. Like I said, my husband doesn't want kids right now either, but he'd like to have them one day. (Don't worry. Before we got married, he reassured me that if I eventually decide against kids, that would be okay, too.) Like you said about wanting to want kids...I almost want to want them, too, just so I'd know what the future holds.
So thanks again for sharing and for being willing to talk to people who haven't yet decided. Making a decision like this is both liberating and intimidating, and I'm really glad to hear opinions from both sides of the coin.
@plantains: Thanks! I live in NYC too, which I think helps a LOT. Being here with a newborn or toddler is awesome because you have SO much to do and it is so easy to stay busy and in touch with your friends. I just felt like I had written too much already so I didn't get into that aspect of it :) :)
Congrats and good luck with L&D!
Thanks :) I didn't post on the CBC threads because I can't say for sure, with %100 certainty that I will never EVER want kids. I don't want them now, I have about a 15 minute time limit with my nieces & nephew, I don't enjoy babies, and refuse to hold newborns. The idea of vomit or -God forbid- POOP getting anywhere near me is mortifying. I sleep in, I take naps, and I enjoy my life as it is. I'm 30, and like you thought that as I got older I'd automatically change & really want kids.
My FI has some major baby fever though! He is great with kids, loves being around them, and is kind of a big kid himself (excpet for the vomit/poop thing). I have been able to keep an open mind about having kids one day, and he has been able to discuss openly with me the possibility that by the time I am ready my little eggs might be dust in the wind.
We don't know yet what we will do. I don't really fit into either of the groups you mentioned, either I know I want children or I know for sure I don't. Thanks for throwing something out there that is a little more middle of the road. It's nice to know that I am not the only person who feels this way :)
@Janna19: Wow. Thank you! I feel like I could have written this post, although you wrote it better than I could have. I have felt/feel the same way you did/do. We don't have a child yet but I have made the "big steps" of buying having a baby books and I am keeping track of my periods etc. Even doing this is a huge step for me.
I have never been one of those people who couldn't wait to have a baby and dreamed of being a mother. Generally speaking, children annoy me and I have had a fear that I would feel the same way about my own child if I had one. I still fear this. And I am afraid at how drastically having a child will change our lives. Maybe its the Taurus in me lol, because I know everyone says its a change for the better, and I mostly believe that, but I guess I catch myself thinking selfishly sometimes. I love sleeping in, not having a set schedule, getting DH all to myself and having freedom I guess. Although just picking up and going away for the weekend is difficult for us without children. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats and 3 of them are on meds so I guess I don't have as much freedom as I think I do.
We have been talking about starting a family for months-well years really-but seriously talking about it now because we are not getting any younger. Like you, I wouldn't call it baby fever but there is something there. Seriously, reading your story makes me feel some relief. Like I'm not a child-hating selfish biatch. I really worry that because I don't want to "ohhh and awww" over friends babies that I will feel the same about mine. I believe that I love my pets more than I think is healthy, and I realize pets are different , but if I have the capacity to love them that much I must have it in me right? I know that is not a question you can't answer but its one I struggle with.
I am an only child, and the youngest on both sides of my family so I was never really around other kids. And although my parents are great, and did the best they were able to, I wouldn't say that I grew up in a really nurturing family so that scares me too. I almost felt growing up that I was a burden to my mom. And I would never want to repeat that cycle. Lack of family support is something else that worries me. We really don't have family that could come over and watch the baby if we needed a break.
I know my DH would be an amazing father, I just need to convince myself that I would be a great mother. Thank you so much because reading your story made me feel like I am not alone in my thinking.
@Gemstone: It is great that you have so much time. Since I didn't get married until 31, I put so much pressure on myself to want to figure it out quickly. Because I knew that if the answer was that I did want to have kids, I wanted to do it soon and not decide in my late 30s when it could be harder to conceive. and yay for having a husband who is right there with you - its great to know you guys are in step and will make this decision together. I was not nearly so open with my husband about my fears...
@DaneLady: good luck figuring it all out. I have found that I have sometimes tended to overthink things, when in the end, the right answer seems to come your way. IT did help me to spend time with other friends babies because I could calibrate my feelings that way a little bit. I did move from having zero interest in them to a little bit more- if you find that you stay staunchly in the "I can't stand to hold your baby" camp every time you see a good friend's baby, you might get closer to having your answer :)
@kelmac: I am still worried if we have another I will find him/her annoying. Or that as my own kid grows up I will not enjoy it as much....those fears are still there, I am just trying to not worry too far ahead :) I knew I would never feel totally ready, I just needed to feel "ready enough".
Its funny because a lot of people will interact with my son, tell me he is cute whatever. And plenty more will look through him/us, or make it clear they do NOT think he is cute or interesting. And I realize I SO used to be that latter person! so much so that it surprised me every time when he was first born and people would comment positively on him. Because I never once rememebered noticing a baby or kid, except to be annoyed by them :)
I was on the fence until a few months ago, if you can call it that. Basically, I have never been maternal, or wanted kids. It was just never part of my 'life plan', and never factored into my dreams for the future. Even as a child, I didn't like other children or babies, and I remember feeling a bit odd because my friends all loved children and couldn't wait to have their own.
Then in 2009 I was diagnosed with endo. And my diagnosis made me think I wanted children, deep down. I think in hindsight, it was a case of wanting something I might not be able to have. I felt this way for about 6 months, then went back to thinking actually, I don't want children.
Then in 2010, I had a second op for endo, and discovered it had progressed. And again, those feelings came back. I even talked with my OH about not bothering with my MA so we could have a baby sooner!
Then about a week after this conversation, I started crying uncontrollably. Not because I was worried we might not be able to have children; but because I didn't WANT to sacrifice my education and career ambitions. Nagging doubts began to creep in; I began to wonder whether I actually WANTED children, or thought it was what I SHOULD want. I spoke to my OH, and we decided I would pursue my studies. In making this decision, we effectively agreed that children might never happen, as by the time we'd be in a position to have them, it would likely be too late. And I didn't feel sad; I felt relieved, like a weight had been lifted.
Around the same time, we were giving out vouchers for schools (to collect towards sports equipment) at work. I had to ask every customer 'Are you collecting the school vouchers?' and one man replied 'Oh god no! I don't have kids thank god!' before hastily adding 'You don't do you?'. I remember it being like a light-bulb moment, and me thinking 'Hang on, you DON'T have to have kids; it's a choice'. And after that, I began to really think about it.
I thought about it for a long time. I began to realise that I had never WANTED children, and had only THOUGHT I did, or assumed it was the 'next step'. I gradually began to edge away from the fence. And I panicked. Why? Because my OH wanted children (or rather, thought he did); because we'd been together over 5 years, were engaged and planning a wedding, and there I was about to drop a huge bombshell on him: that I didn't think I wanted kids, not now, not ever.
So, I spoke to him. It was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever had to do, because I had to be honest, I owed it to him; I couldn't say I might change my mind, because I knew it was unlikely, and I knew that he needed to marry me knowing and accepting that I didn't want children; so I had to give him the option to walk. And it was incredibly tough; part of me wanted to bury my head in the sand, or hope that I might change my mind; but I knew that would be unfair on both of us. So, we had an open and honest talk. I explained how I felt, and the next day, sent him a huge email setting out in black-and-white my feelings. I said that I felt he had a rose-tinted view of parenthood, that he saw the kodak moments and conveniently ignored the difficult times; I said that I felt that, like me, he felt having children was something he 'should' do, and that I felt that having children was about more than that, and that the ONLY good reason to ever have them was because you really wanted them, and couldn't imagine life without them; that to have them and hope we would like being parents was a huge and unnecessary gamble.
He thought about everything for about a month. I noticed little things, like how he was more aware of children behaving badly, how he was starting to appreciate the fact that we can eat out 3 times a week without worrying about the cost or a baby-sitter, and how he could enjoy lad's nights out at the pub without worrying about leaving me with a demanding infant; etc. He then said he'd made his decision, and had realised that actually, children are not for him, and he doesn't want them.
So, I'm someone who was on the fence and went the other way. I would be lying if I don't still worry sometimes. I worry that our friends will start ignoring us when their children come along, and they realised that we're not interested in 'family parties'. I worry about the vitriol we will likely receive from some quarters, and how draining I might be. Sometimes, I think 'Oh, maybe it wouldn't be SO bad'. But each time, these doubts are quickly replaced by an overwhelming sense of relief and happiness that we don't have, and never will have, children. I love my life, I love our life, just as it is. When I think of adding children to it, I feel nothing but dread and claustrophobia, and that is how I know we've made the right decision.
Being on the fence is tough though; you feel so many conflicting emotions, and you feel like you don't 'belong' to any one group; it's like you;re caught in the middle somewhere.
What I would say to anyone on the fence is that you will probably naturally make your way off it in the future, whether that's to joing the CBC 'club', or to become a parent. There is no pressure to rush into anything; but, if you don't want children now, don't have them.
@Janna19: Great post. I saw your post in the other thread and was really confused by the reaction you got because your post was very clear, honest and helpful.
I also found this post very helpful. It is hard to have conversations and examples of the gray area in between.
I love this post!! I always wondered if moms were lying saying how fabulous having kids was. I always thought newlyweds were lying about how great being married was.
Thanks so much for sharing!! I guess I'm still waiting for baby fever to kick in and for my friends to get to the same stage in life as me.
Re moms lying about motherhood: I think MOST would say that they find having children challenging, but rewarding, and most would say that they love their children. But, you might be shocked at the number of 'confession' sites out there where parents rant about their children; so it isn't all roses for everyone. I think it's really dangerous to just look at the positives of parenthood, and to see it with rose-tinted specs; I think it's really important to realise that yes, of course there will be those amazing moments, but that equally, there are negatives too; you might suffer phsyically as a result of pregnancy and giving birth; you might have a lot of sleepless nights and be tired and irritable; you might argue with your partner ove parenting issues; you will definitely have less time to yourself, and less time as a couple. I think that if you can think about those things and feel the positives outweigh them, then parenthood is probably for you. But if you can't, or don't go into it with your eyes open, I think it can be a shock.
I was talking to my OHs colleague recently (she's just had a baby), and I was just innocently asking how she was, how she was finding being a mom, etc. I was speechless when she said it has 'wrecked her physically and mentally'. That really drove home for me how not all parents are totally happy, and made me realise I have definitely made the right decision.
Your post was nice, thank you. You are obviously in group of people that are 100% happy with the decision. I've actually never heard anyone speak so glowingly of having a kid, and many of my friends have them. Usually it's negative, negative followed by "but it's so worth it." Right...
Anyway, I am a "fencer," and I am 30, and I feel as if I can't depend on the feeling just hitting me someday. I feel like I need to make a definite decision either way in the next year or two. No/yes? What do you guys think?
Thank you SO MUCH for posting this.
I am pregnant by surprise and it's nice to know that not everyone has baby fever, and is so prepared to be a mom. I always told my husband that I liked just seeing his daughter frequently and being an aunt... but he wanted kids! I was "on the fence" I guess you could also say, but I'm only 24 so when he started talking babies it wasn't even on my radar. I loved the kids in my life and used to always say how happy I was that I could give them back to my sister when they started crying, but in reality I'm very good with kids.
My husband and I were going to try NFP but had a whoopsie moment before I got the hang of the charting, and here we are. I was totally blindsided by the morning sickness and I felt guilty that I hated being pregnant so much because I hear other women saying how much they love it. I do already love this baby and I'm very excited, but I was feeling so guilty worrying about all the things I would have to give up. It's great to hear that you still have time with your husband and friends :)
It's nice to know there are people on here who aren't dying for babies, but don't hate babies either. I love to hear that these moms are so in love and getting along just fine. I know I will love this baby but sometimes I worry how can I be a good mom if I wasn't even sure I totally wanted to be a mom in the first place?? I would normally never admit this though, so thank you!
@barbie86: I loved your post. I don't think I've ever hadsomeone say "I was on the fence and DIDN'T go for kids, and im happy with it". It just seems to me that most of the time people say "I was on the fence but then I just had the feeling and now it's all great!" (no offense to the OP, cause I also thought your post was real and heartfelt and a good perspective on someone who decided yes).
But for me, my concerns aren't just that i like to be selfish, it's that I have a job that I find really fulfilling and I'm not sure how to make a baby ever fit into it. Plus, I don't believe that a baby will fill that part of me - sure I would love my child and they'd enrich a different part of my life, but I need my job too. It bothers me when my friends say "life is meaningless before kids, now i understand what im living for" - i HAVE things to live for! I don't want to take career hits for my kids. And apparently many women in my field feel the same way, since no woman I work with of any age has kids.
Anyway, that was offtopic, but I'm on the fence too so reading other people's perspectives is very interesting for me :) I'm only 22, so I have time to figure it out, thank goodness.
This is a great post! I too consider myself on the fence. I actually really like children (I'm a teacher) and I enjoy being around them (most of the time) and I do feel my "clock" ticking, I think pregnancy would be both amazing and terrifying. My husband is pretty confidant he doesn't want kids, but not so sure that he'll do anything permanent about it yet. We are leaving the future open in terms of having a child or not. I see a lot of positives in not having kids (emotional, financial, physical) but I also know that having children is a powerful and rewarding experience. Yup, I'm solidly on the fence, but I don't feel the need to make a solid decision one way or the other right now, I'll follow my heart and enjoy my life either way.
@barbie86: thanks for sharing! so helpful to have multiple perspectives, and nice for people to hear how great it can be to make the right decision not to have kids.
@gatorhailey: I totally agree. I always found it irritating at work that it seemed that only people with kids felt comfortable saying they had to get home at night (we work long hours). Why isn't everyone's personal life valued the same? Why can't someone say with equal conviction that they want to get home to see their partner?
I similarly always wondered when people said they didn't really know what love was before they had a kid. Because I am not sure I agree - I like to believe it is because I love other people in my family so deeply not that I don't love my kid enough :)
@Moja Milosc: Yeah, it must be so tough, especially because I am sure everyone is expecting you to be just SO EXCITED! My husband and I were committed to continuing to not lose ourselves as we became parents and to support each other in finding the time to do the things we each love (for me, mostly friends and exercise, for him its his hobbies). Granted, the first few months were different, but once things settled down (read: baby slept well at night!) it was more possible. Also going back to work helped me a lot to not lose myself. And .... I should add, our son is a pretty easy kid :) I am sure part of that is just luck
@delirium.megans: I know! I had so many people scare the shit out of me about all the horrible things. I have found though, that there are a fair number of us more positive moms too - and I have found that those are the people who have become my new "mom friends" . We might be different - mostly in our early 30s, live in new york city, all pretty active with our babies - we didn't hole up at home, but were all out and doing things from the infant days, we do moms nights out etc. Some work, some don't. Part of it is just how you approach parenthood I think, and making sure you involve your partner is important - so many women don't trust the fathers to stay home with the kid so they cut themselves off. this makes it really hard to be happy!
@Janna19: Yeah, I'm very thankful I have time, too, because I don't feel like I could make the decision right now. I definitely understand how you felt pressure! So I guess we'll just see how things go for the next few years...
@delirium.megans: I'm so sorry you're in a position where you can't exactly just wait and see. I'd never pressure someone into deciding before she's ready, but unfortunately we women have more to worry about in terms of conceiving as we get into our 30s.
How does your husband feel?
@belledowdy: Oh gosh. I know exactly how you feel about seeing it from both sides.
Im CBC too yet on the fence too. LOL I guess my FI and I will need to continue to talk about the subject. :)
I'm on the fence, but more so about having biological children, not about being a parent. I have a very demanding career ahead of me and there is no really great time within the next 7-8 years where I would really be able to consider children. Even then, I don't have a great need to have a child in my image so I can marvel about how wonderful my genes are (; That being said, I do wonder if by not having bio children, if I'm missing out on the most uniqely feminine experience there is. So, this issue will stay on the back burner for now, as we have no immediate plans.
But I do have a question (and I don't mean this in a judgemental way, just sheer curiosity). To those who have gotten pregnant "accidentally", what does that mean? Does that mean you used proper precautions correctly (BC pills, condoms, etc.) and you are the less than 1% where they didn't work, or you had 1 moment where you weren't so cautious, and it resulted in a baby? This always confuses me because I worry quite often about "accidental pregnancy" but am so on-top of taking the precautions, that I've never even had so much as a scare. Thanks for sharing, if you do!
I think there are genuine cases of contraceptive failure; but IMPO, it's not as common as it appears it is when you talk to women who've had 'accidents'. I'm only going from my own experience, but every single woman I've spoken to who's said her pregnancy was an 'accident', was usually not being as careful as she could have been.
Taken perfectly, the failure rate for the pill is actually closer to .1% than 1%; so while it isn't impossible to get pregnant while on it, it's certainly highly unlikely. But, most women do not take it 'perfectly', and this massively reduces the efficacy rate. The same goes for condoms: when used perfectly they are about 98% effective; but with imperfect use, this falls to as low as 85%; and it's shocking the number of people who don't use them properly :-s
@fembride045: PP mentioned that she was using NPM and didn't have the charting thing down yet.
@Gemstone: The thing that makes it even more difficult is that he is on the fence, too. He is an engineer so very pragmatic and has a lot of concerns with the fact that, in our economy, we simply cannot give a child everything we would want to, and then actually retire someday. He also agrees with me that it would be difficult on our relationship and our life overall, and our relationship is our first priority.
I think he would be a great father, though.
Thank you for sharing this. :) I needed to hear something like this today, I think.
We aren't really on the fence about being parents, but I too am scared to death of the career impact, the money, the body stuff (I shudder thinking of L&D), the loss of "us time." If I am being 100% honest I want either a C-Section or to skip it all completely and adopt. FI isn't as convinced. He's okay with adopting, and we'll do it if it's medically necessary, but I can tell he really wants bio children if possible.
We are currently thinking of pushing our TTC timeline WAY back - actually just last night we agreed on it. I feel so much more peaceful and content with this new one. STILL I am scared of the implications you mentioned and the ones from above, but it certainly feels better than it did. I have fertility issues and I think they prompted me to REALLY contemplate the child issue a little earlier than we had ever intended. Without that, I think we'd still be ignoring it as a topic pretty well. Lol.
I don't know that I'm on the fence. However, I do appreciate reading about other women who think they want kids, but don't have all the enthusiasm. I want children, but I don't like them. Everyone tells me the feeling changes when they're your own, I guess I'm really hoping that's the case. Before I got engaged, I always thought I wanted them right away. Once getting engaged, I wanted to give birth at our second anniversary. Now I'm thinking about waiting until then to start trying. I'm on birth control, but I still get in a panic thinking what would happen if I got pregnant. Most people say "I'm married, and my DH and I would be fine with it." Not us. We're young, just starting out, not at all ready, even though we could try to afford it. It's just such a permanent life change for something I don't feel attached to at all right now. I do feel like being a mother is a must for me, and I know my DH will be an awesome father. I'm just hoping I'm ready and excited whenever the time comes.
@barbie86: Thank you so much for posting those stats. I just always feel better every time I'm reminded how effective the pill really is. Fortunately, I'm really on top of it (within an hour, two on my bad days, and never missed one), so I can lessen my worry factor a good bit. :-)
I posted on the other board as well, but I'm on the fence. I'm probably about 80% sure that its a "no" for us.
I love my neice and nephew. I love my friends' babies, I am one of those women who will spend time cooing and playing with the baby at length while ignoring my friends, haha. I like children, in general. I wouldn't say that I like most parents in general though! And I think thats the kicker. I don't want to be a "parent."
Luckily, my FI and I have discussed this. At length. He was never really keen on kids, I've been the wavering one. But the older I've gotten, the more I find myself leaning to "no." We've decided that if either of us ever decides that we want children, then we will have them, but we won't have them just because it seems like its time or anything.
We don't see children as a burdern or anything, just not for us in the life that we are living right now. I think my FI would be a great father. I'm sure if we did decide to have them, we would love them. But I can see us being just as happy, if not more so, without.
Honestly, there are a lot of days when DH and I have been on the fence. DH has a son who's nearly 6, and when he was going through his horrible tantrum 3 year old stage, the conversation for us changed from "When we have kids..." to "If we have kids...", he was that challenging, lol!! It was really stressful and I'm glad I can look back and it now and laugh, although we have admitted that going back to a wee baby with diapers, potty training, etc is going to be very difficult for us. I'm also not really a maternal person, I never really babysat or felt any desire to. Most kids bug me, although it's really the effects of parenting choices more than the kid themselves most of the time I think.
That being said, as time goes on, and as my stepson has grown up, I'm enjoying it a heck of a lot more. There are definitely things I miss because our life isn't very flexible with weekend visits, etc, but on the otherhand, I'm a homebody so I'm happy to have an excuse to hang out around the house, go to the park, etc.
I think if you don't have the overwhelming maternal instinct it doesn't mean you wouldn't make a good parent, or that you're a bad person. Different strokes for different folks and all. I think in general, there's a lot of pressure in today's society for women to do it all: career, kids, travel, social life. There's no reason why we can't pick and choose what we want to do and when, and it's not a one size fits all. I fully support my friends who are CBC, and love watching my friends who have become moms grow into the role. I like that each of them have chosen what suits them best and their happy with their choices. For those of my friends who are still on the fence, I can only hope they'll find the right path for themselve whatever it may be!
I was on the fence, leaning toward the no-kids side when I got pregnant last summer. At the very least, I would have waited until my 30s to have kids, if ever. (I'm 23, will be 24 in February)
I mean, I like kids but I have a lot of issues with how people parent. I have issues with the American education system. I have issues with what kids are exposed to. I have issues with how they are over-sexualized and made to grow up too fast. I have issues with the deterioration of basic values like generosity, gratefulness, kindness, and honesty in modern youth. I was leaning toward not having kids because I didn't want to deal with all that. I worked in retail through college and I was an education major studying to be a 6-12 Drama teacher, so I was exposed to these things a lot and it made me nervous.
I feel like I was always the least maternal of my friends and peers too. I had girlfriends in high school who were all about getting married and having babies and the thought of doing that right away made me break into a cold sweat. I was always the lone one telling everyone that I was never getting married because divorce was too expensive and never having kids because most of them turn outs brats anyway. Haha. My cynicism started early, can't you tell? I started saying stuff like this when I was like 13-14. I always swore I would have an abortion if I ever got pregnant.
DH and I started dating when we were 18 and it wasn't an issue we ever talked about early on. We had friends who got married right out of high school and we watched how horribly it worked out for them and we talked about how we could just be content in our relationship without the legally binding part. As we got older, we talked about kids as a "maybe" issue and one that would be far, far, far in the future if we ever decided to do it. We had an awful scare our sophomore year of college and I told him flat out that there was no possible way we were having a baby and we better start looking at how we were going to pay to get it taken care of. He was alright with the idea of keeping it and I was so not.
I think the military was what changed it for me, oddly enough. We had never considered getting engaged before and then when DH went to basic, he wrote me a letter about how he thought we should get married and from then on... I was on board with being a wife. It was like a switch flipped in my head. After we got married, I had come to terms with the fact that DH did, in fact, want kids some day and I would be alright with having 1, maybe 2 max. Still, that was far in the future for me and he was okay with that.
Well, then I got knocked up. Admittedly, I can't even claim it was a birth control failure. It was us being irresponsible, plain and simple. I had gone off the pill when we became long distance because I only saw him for a week every 3-4 months and the hormones no longer seemed worth it to me. We were using other methods. Well, we got drunk and a little too frisky and just... forgot. Whoops. All it took was one time.
I have to say. I felt like a bad person when I first realized I was pregnant and for the first few months. When I saw that pink line show up on the FRER, I cried... and not happy tears. I took the test at like 3:30 in the morning and my mother would get up for work at like 4. I was sitting on the couch when she got up, holding that poisonous little white stick and bawling. Oddly enough, after the initial breakdown... I was completely detached. I had no feelings one way or the other about it, I was just numb. When I told DH, somehow neither of us ever brought up an abortion though. I went in for a first ultrasound at 7 weeks and I felt nothing except for the shame that I felt nothing. My mother was there and she was grinning ear to ear and excited and I was just staring blankly at the screen like "Huh... well, that's interesting looking." I felt horrible because I had no bond to that little being and absolutely no loving emotion. I felt trapped and anxious and unprepared to be a mother. I also felt very guilty. I have 1 set of cousins who cannot have children and have been trying for years to adopt and another set who have lots of fertility issues and have been trying for a long time to get pregnant. I felt awful that I got pregnant on accident and didn't even really want the kid that much when I saw how much they wanted to be parents.
I'll be honest and say that it was months before I really felt any kind of excitement or happiness. I was well into my second trimester. I would even dare to guess that it didn't really happen until we went in and found out that she was a girl at almost 17 weeks. After that, I did start to get happier about it. Now, I'm 31 1/2 weeks and looking at having this kid in less than 2 months (she's measuring ahead and already dropped, so the doctors think it could easily be 2 weeks early). I can honestly say that I am happy now. I'm ready to meet my daughter and raise her to be an honest, intelligent person like DH and myself.
There are so many things I want for her and so many things I want to do with her and teach her. I can't wait to teach her to sew like my mother taught me and my grandmother taught her. I can't wait to buy her her first instrument and go to every concert like my parents did for me. I want to be the Girl Scout leader and the classroom mom who hosts every party like my mother. I want DH and I to take her fishing and teach her to bait her own hook. I want her to know how to change a tire and use power tools. I want the family camping trips and the game nights and to read her a story every single night before bed.
Even though the maternal instinct was something that didn't come easily for me, I know it's still there now. I just hope I can be as good of a mother to my daughter as my mom was for me.
Gah! I didn't mean for that to be a novel... but it kind of is. Sorry! lol
I really like this thread. My SO and I have decided to wait 7 years and then reavaluate whether or not we want to adopt. Neither of us wants biological children. My SO is great with children, but I just haven't been around many and the few I have, really irritated me.
@zippylef: I love your story. Thank you so much! It gives me hope, because crying over a BFP would be me right about now, or any time soon, and whenever I have a baby, planned or unplanned, I want to love it.
@zippylef: thanks for sharing! I would have had a real breakdown if I got pregnant so young, that is awesome you have been able to get to a good place with it. I remember when I found out the gender of the baby, it really helped me bond a bit more than when the baby was an "it". I have other friends/family with unplanned pregnancies, and luckily it seems most of them who have carried to term have resulted in happy endings :)
@zippylef: So true. I would love to have kids if they could grow up how I grew up, I didn't know a single thing about sex until well into high school, and even then school and sports were the #1 priority. Now I think of my SD growing up not respecting herself with boys or drinking instead of enjoying being a kid and I cringe. Such a great point. But I see my cousins bringing up their kids to be respectful of themselves and others and they hold their kids to higher expectations, and have the most amazing kids. I come from a strict family and now I kind of appreciate it! I hope my kids hear my voice the way I heared my parent's voices when I was faced with something sketchy.
@zippylef: Thank you for sharing.
I was somone who always thought I'd have a kid because that is just what happens after you get married. Then I got really sick in my mid-30's and couldn't date. I didn't want to panic and marry the first guy that came along like so many of my other late-30 something friends, so I made peace with never getting married or having kids.
Then I met DH and we got marred when I was 40. I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, but I liked the idea of having *his* kids. Needless to say I was on the fence. And I went through all the stuff people mentioned before--sleep, money, time, energy. Did I really want to sacrifice so much? We were/are so happy being married, why rock the boat?
But then I started to think about my life in 3, 5, 10 years. Would this life be enough for me? And I realized it wouldn't be. I wanted something more, something bigger than me.
So I can to the realization that I wanted kids, not because I really wanted kids. But because I didn't want a life that didn't have kids in it--does that make sense?
So now we are going through IF treatments and have to make some serious financial decisions. And the more we struggle and make tough choices, the more I know I want a child.
The only thing keeping me from saying 100% that I don't want kids is that if I get to be very comfortable, I would love to adopt and give some (probably older) children a home and a "normal family life" (i.e. not in an orphanage). My SO and I have very strong opinions on overpopulation and wouldn't feel comfortable having a biological child unless there was some major major issue where a large portion of the world's population was killed. So if we have money, a decent home, and the ability to provide a home, why not? I'm not going to be happy at the end of my days knowing that I could have helped some kids out. My SO and I always say. We don't want kids, but we would adopt if we got to a point and had lived enough and had enough time and means to do so.
This thread is extremely reassuring to read. My fiance and I always say that we're "on the fence" when people ask us about kids, but in private we usually qualify that with "leaning no." I've never felt an overwhelming urge to be a mother like some of my friends, who seem to have felt that way since high school. But I feel like it's somehow ridiculous that I don't know how I feel about such an important life issue. So it's nice to know that I'm not alone here!
I think I'm mostly afraid of the personal and financial responsibility. Some of that might stem from the fact that I'm 25 and only moved out of my parents house last year (moved out for college, moved home for graduate school, now finally out on my own hooray!). So I'm just now experiencing the independence that a lot of my friends have known for years now. The idea of giving that up is extremely unappealing, to be honest.
But on the flip side, my brother and I are the ONLY kids in my family, aside from a few distant cousins that I've never met. My parents and extended family are definitely the type to let me and my brother make our own decisions about family but it is still a lot of pressure to "carry on the line or die out", even if it's all self-imposed pressure. A part of me wishes that my brother would hurry up and get married and have kids so that I don't have to feel guilty about it anymore! But I suppose that's unfairly putting all the pressure on him so then I go back to feeling guilty about it, rinse and repeat. It's all so complicated!
Right now, I'm a no for kids. DH and I think we probably will never have kids. I am open to the idea that as my life changes my mind might change too though. Luckily for me, DH is pretty easygoing about the whole thing and if I really wanted kids and was willing to put in the effort to get things to work he would be on board too. The concern that I do have is that I'm not really super young anymore. If I decide I want kids, it should be fairly soon; waiting 10 years probably wouldn't be the best time to start.
I'm so scared. I am scared it is going to change EVERYTHING, even everything about me, and that I'll be really unhappy. I just don't know. My husband wants one really soon but I can already think of two awesome events and trips that are coming up in the next year or two that would be made so much more difficult. When will I want a baby more than I don't want things to change?
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So at some point in the last week, before I had ever heard the term "CBC", I went into a post no one had yet responded to, misunderstood the intent (eg a post for people who 100% NEVER want to have kids, I thought it just meant no kids yet, not sure if I want them - boy was I wrong :) ) and shared my story. A few people on the fence PM'd me to say it was helpful, but the CBC community misunderstood my intent (I was NOT trying to convince a CBCer to change their mind, why would I?) and flamed me out....
I figured I would start a thread for those people on the fence about having kids. I have been thinking about it a lot this week.....And to preface this by saying that I am not sharing to convince anyone of anything, I believe everyone is able to make their own decisions, and I have lots of friends and family with no kids or plans to ever have them. I don't think having kids is for everyone at all - just because it enriches my life doesn't mean I think it will enrich yours - and I love that our generation is more free than prior ones to choose whatever works for them. But maybe having a place to talk about it will help each person with their own decision.
But, I know when I was unsure of whether or not to have kids, I felt like I had no one to talk to. Most people seemed to know which camp they belonged in - born to be a mom or never want to be a mom. Honestly, I was unsure. and it freaked me out that I was unsure. and i felt alone.
I guess I always thought one day in the future I would have kids. I wanted to want to have kids. I wanted that urge, that instinct to kick in. I have 3 aunts, and only 1 has children. When I looked at my parents and then at my childfree aunts, I wanted to have what my parents had - great relationships with their adult kids and grandkids - but I knew that was a horrible reason to have my own kids. Because I really had no interest in going through the child rearing process to get there. It was the last thing I wanted. I remember hitting an age where I realized that if I got pregnant I was secure and responsible enough to have a child, and that abortion might not be an easy answer, and it scared me to no end.
When I was in my mid-20s, I remember my first good friend had her baby. I was able to be pretty honest with her, and when I spoke with her in those first months I remember asking her, as the baby was crying int he background "so do you like it?" expecting her to go on about how tired she was, how horrible she felt etc. instead she said "i love it". I was flabbergasted. how could she? it seemed horrendous to me. I loved to sleep in. I loved going out at night. I loved being with my boyfriend->fiance->husband. To travel. Go out with my girlfriends. Sit in a car without a kid whining. I worked insane hours. I remembered being with my brother after his first kid was born and the house seemed suffocating - my sister-in-law was exhausted, overwhlemed, her nipples were bleeding, she could barely sit down.
And I didn't much like babies or kids. The thought of a crying, pooping baby turned tantrum throwing toddler turned bratty, obnoxious kid made me nauseous. It seemed like a whole lot of work for something that just seemed like a nuisance. I didn't see babies and think they were all that cute or want to hold them. I saw kids and tended to see how annoying or bratty they were. The whole having a kid thing sounded AWFUL.
I would read about celebrities having babies and how it was the best thing that happened to them. I thought they were lying or exaggering, because they didn't want to admit how hard it was or that it was the wrong decision. I thought they were secretly resentful of it all.
And yet, I barely shared how I felt with anyone. Because everyone just assumed one day I would want kids. I still assumed this, but as I was nearing 30 with no maternal instinct kicking in, I was getting worried. My same mom friend - the only one I really shared my fears with - assured me once I was married, I would feel differently. I did not believe her.
We were married when I was 31 and agreed to wait a year to talk about when to have kids. Then...it happened. I visited a few friends with kids and felt myself feeling some longing to have a baby. Not baby fever, but it was there. We started to try after about a year, and I found myself shockingly dissapointed when I didn't get pregnant right away. When I finally did get pregnant, I was excited , but I didn't feel particularly connected to the baby. I still worried - when we were in the car, I thought " this is going to be my last enjoyable car trip". Moms would tell me how they hadn't read a book in 5 years, how I better "enjoy my sleep now", and on and on. I wouldn't say I thought I made the wrong decision, but I was worried about how much would change.
I will end by saying I absolutely love being a mom. It is a ton of fun, way more fun than I thought. Our sex life is as good if not better than it was before. We took two cross country ski trips with our son when he was 6/7 months old, and had a blast. I am planning a girls weekend with my college friends (I am the only mom in the bunch), who I still have brunch with (just girls) every couple months. My husband and I go out almost as often as before. I lost the 7 pounds I gained since I was 27, my body is otherwise intact except a barely noticeable c-section scar - no stretch marks, varicose veins, no incontinence, no stretching down there (I am still terrified of how my body could be ravaged by a vaginal birth). I do sleep less, but I have adjusted - and the kid sleeps 7:30-6:30/7:00 so we have tons of time alone at night to hang out. I love to spend time with my son, he makes me so happy, he brings so much joy. I see the world in a whole new way. Babies no longer annoy me (kids still do, I guess it is one step at a time!) I am not a morning person, but some times when I sleep in and my husband gets up with our son, I am bummed I missed out on the time with him. And he has been an incredible blessing to my family this year, as we dealt with a very big loss.
But my career has taken a hit, because maternity leave took me out of client service, and I lost my spot on several teams. I am no longer willing to travel as much as I need to. I am totally ok with the trade off, but it is real. We also have less money because a full time nanny is expensive! Our lifestyle is still very good, but we need to be a bit more mindful of our expenses. I have no idea what a second child will do, and I am scared of that, really am (almost feel as scared about two as I used to feel about one!). But the downsides were all worth it for me, and I would do it again in a second.
I will stop this ridiculously long post now, but happy to answer any questions if anyone feels in the same boat as they wrestle with their own decsiion. It is not an easy one but I do feel like eventually everyone will figure out what works best for them!