(Closed) On the fence about having a kid?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

What a wonderful post! I wasn’t ever really on the fence, but I knew for sure taht I would wait until my thirties to try to have kids and I’m really glad I did. I think the reality of life as a parent in NYC is really different from other parts of the country so maybe that is why I’m not scared. People do everything with kids here. I’m glad it worked out so well for you, and hopefully others who have the same fears can take comfort in your story.

I am still scared about L&D, what having a kid will do to my body and the career implications. Oh well.

Post # 4
16216 posts
Honey Beekeeper

What an honest and thoughtful post. Thank you so much for sharing your story, including your fears and joys. Much of what you wrote, I see in myself, and it is enormously helpful and comforting to hear such a candid account that I relate to so well.

Right now, I’m thankfully at a place in which I don’t yet have to decide. My husband and I are very much on the same page that we want five years to ourselves before we stop and re-evaluate.

Right now, I do not want and am not ready to have a baby. But I also fully recognize that I may change my mind as I progress further into my marriage and life with my husband. Or maybe I won’t. Right now, at 24 years old, it’s impossible for me to say how I’ll feel about kids when I’m 30.

So far, I’ve found that being on the fence can be complicated. I almost wish I had stronger feelings one way or the other. Like I said, my husband doesn’t want kids right now either, but he’d like to have them one day. (Don’t worry. Before we got married, he reassured me that if I eventually decide against kids, that would be okay, too.) Like you said about wanting to want kids…I almost want to want them, too, just so I’d know what the future holds.

So thanks again for sharing and for being willing to talk to people who haven’t yet decided. Making a decision like this is both liberating and intimidating, and I’m really glad to hear opinions from both sides of the coin.

Post # 6
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Thanks πŸ™‚  I didn’t post on the CBC threads because I can’t say for sure, with %100 certainty that I will never EVER want kids.  I don’t want them now, I have about a 15 minute time limit with my nieces & nephew, I don’t enjoy babies, and refuse to hold newborns.  The idea of vomit or -God forbid- POOP getting anywhere near me is mortifying.  I sleep in, I take naps, and I enjoy my life as it is.  I’m 30, and like you thought that as I got older I’d automatically change & really want kids.

My Fiance has some major baby fever though!  He is great with kids, loves being around them, and is kind of a big kid himself (excpet for the vomit/poop thing).  I have been able to keep an open mind about having kids one day, and he has been able to discuss openly with me the possibility that by the time I am ready my little eggs might be dust in the wind.

We don’t know yet what we will do.  I don’t really fit into either of the groups you mentioned, either I know I want children or I know for sure I don’t.  Thanks for throwing something out there that is a little more middle of the road.  It’s nice to know that I am not the only person who feels this way πŸ™‚

Post # 7
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@Sunchick19:  Wow. Thank you! I feel like I could have written this post, although you wrote it better than I could have.  I have felt/feel the same way you did/do. We don’t have a child yet but I have made the “big steps” of buying having a baby books and I am keeping track of my periods etc. Even doing this is a huge step for me.

I have never been one of those people who couldn’t wait to have a baby and dreamed of being a mother. Generally speaking, children annoy me and I have had a fear that I would feel the same way about my own child if I had one. I still fear this. And I am afraid at how drastically having a child will change our lives. Maybe its the Taurus in me lol, because I know everyone says its a change for the better, and I mostly believe that, but I guess I catch myself thinking selfishly sometimes. I love sleeping in, not having a set schedule, getting Darling Husband all to myself and having freedom I guess. Although just picking up and going away for the weekend is difficult for us without children. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats and 3 of them are on meds so I guess I don’t have as much freedom as I think I do.

We have been talking about starting a family for months-well years really-but seriously talking about it now because we are not getting any younger.  Like you, I wouldn’t call it baby fever but there is something there. Seriously, reading your story makes me feel some relief. Like I’m not a child-hating selfish biatch. I really worry that because I don’t want to “ohhh and awww” over friends babies that I will feel the same about mine. I believe that I love my pets more than I think is healthy, and I realize pets are different , but if I have the capacity to love them that much I must have it in me right? I know that is not a question you can’t answer but its one I struggle with.

I am an only child, and the youngest on both sides of my family so I was never really around other kids. And although my parents are great, and did the best they were able to, I wouldn’t say that I grew up in a really nurturing family so that scares me too. I almost felt growing up that I was a burden to my mom. And I would never want to repeat that cycle. Lack of family support is something else that worries me. We really don’t have family that could come over and watch the baby if we needed a break.

I know my Darling Husband would be an amazing father, I just need to convince myself that I would be a great mother. Thank you so much because reading your story made me feel like I am not alone in my thinking.

Post # 9
6327 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

I was on the fence until a few months ago, if you can call it that. Basically, I have never been maternal, or wanted kids. It was just never part of my ‘life plan’, and never factored into my dreams for the future. Even as a child, I didn’t like other children or babies, and I remember feeling a bit odd because my friends all loved children and couldn’t wait to have their own.

Then in 2009 I was diagnosed with endo. And my diagnosis made me think I wanted children, deep down. I think in hindsight, it was a case of wanting something I might not be able to have. I felt this way for about 6 months, then went back to thinking actually, I don’t want children.

Then in 2010, I had a second op for endo, and discovered it had progressed. And again, those feelings came back. I even talked with my OH about not bothering with my MA so we could have a baby sooner!

Then about a week after this conversation, I started crying uncontrollably. Not because I was worried we might not be able to have children; but because I didn’t WANT to sacrifice my education and career ambitions. Nagging doubts began to creep in; I began to wonder whether I actually WANTED children, or thought it was what I SHOULD want. I spoke to my OH, and we decided I would pursue my studies. In making this decision, we effectively agreed that children might never happen, as by the time we’d be in a position to have them, it would likely be too late. And I didn’t feel sad; I felt relieved, like a weight had been lifted.

Around the same time, we were giving out vouchers for schools (to collect towards sports equipment) at work. I had to ask every customer ‘Are you collecting the school vouchers?’ and one man replied ‘Oh god no! I don’t have kids thank god!’ before hastily adding ‘You don’t do you?’. I remember it being like a light-bulb moment, and me thinking ‘Hang on, you DON’T have to have kids; it’s a choice’. And after that, I began to really think about it.

I thought about it for a long time. I began to realise that I had never WANTED children, and had only THOUGHT I did, or assumed it was the ‘next step’. I gradually began to edge away from the fence. And I panicked. Why? Because my OH wanted children (or rather, thought he did); because we’d been together over 5 years, were engaged and planning a wedding, and there I was about to drop a huge bombshell on him: that I didn’t think I wanted kids, not now, not ever.

So, I spoke to him. It was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever had to do, because I had to be honest, I owed it to him; I couldn’t say I might change my mind, because I knew it was unlikely, and I knew that he needed to marry me knowing and accepting that I didn’t want children; so I had to give him the option to walk. And it was incredibly tough; part of me wanted to bury my head in the sand, or hope that I might change my mind; but I knew that would be unfair on both of us. So, we had an open and honest talk. I explained how I felt, and the next day, sent him a huge email setting out in black-and-white my feelings. I said that I felt he had a rose-tinted view of parenthood, that he saw the kodak moments and conveniently ignored the difficult times; I said that I felt that, like me, he felt having children was something he ‘should’ do, and that I felt that having children was about more than that, and that the ONLY good reason to ever have them was because you really wanted them, and couldn’t imagine life without them; that to have them and hope we would like being parents was a huge and unnecessary gamble.

He thought about everything for about a month. I noticed little things, like how he was more aware of children behaving badly, how he was starting to appreciate the fact that we can eat out 3 times a week without worrying about the cost or a baby-sitter, and how he could enjoy lad’s nights out at the pub without worrying about leaving me with a demanding infant; etc. He then said he’d made his decision, and had realised that actually, children are not for him, and he doesn’t want them.

So, I’m someone who was on the fence and went the other way. I would be lying if I don’t still worry sometimes. I worry that our friends will start ignoring us when their children come along, and they realised that we’re not interested in ‘family parties’. I worry about the vitriol we will likely receive from some quarters, and how draining I might be. Sometimes, I think ‘Oh, maybe it wouldn’t be SO bad’. But each time, these doubts are quickly replaced by an overwhelming sense of relief and happiness that we don’t have, and never will have, children. I love my life, I love our life, just as it is. When I think of adding children to it, I feel nothing but dread and claustrophobia, and that is how I know we’ve made the right decision.

Being on the fence is tough though; you feel so many conflicting emotions, and you feel like you don’t ‘belong’ to any one group; it’s like you;re caught in the middle somewhere.

What I would say to anyone on the fence is that you will probably naturally make your way off it in the future, whether that’s to joing the CBC ‘club’, or to become a parent. There is no pressure to rush into anything; but, if you don’t want children now, don’t have them.

Post # 10
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Sunchick19:  Great post. I saw your post in the other thread and was really confused by the reaction you got because your post was very clear, honest and helpful. 

Post # 11
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I also found this post very helpful.  It is hard to have conversations and examples of the gray area in between.  

Post # 12
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I love this post!! I always wondered if moms were lying saying how fabulous having kids was. I always thought newlyweds were lying about how great being married was.

Thanks so much for sharing!! I guess I’m still waiting for baby fever to kick in and for my friends to get to the same stage in life as me.

Post # 13
6327 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014


Re moms lying about motherhood: I think MOST would say that they find having children challenging, but rewarding, and most would say that they love their children. But, you might be shocked at the number of ‘confession’ sites out there where parents rant about their children; so it isn’t all roses for everyone. I think it’s really dangerous to just look at the positives of parenthood, and to see it with rose-tinted specs; I think it’s really important to realise that yes, of course there will be those amazing moments, but that equally, there are negatives too; you might suffer phsyically as a result of pregnancy and giving birth; you might have a lot of sleepless nights and be tired and irritable; you might argue with your partner ove parenting issues; you will definitely have less time to yourself, and less time as a couple. I think that if you can think about those things and feel the positives outweigh them, then parenthood is probably for you. But if you can’t, or don’t go into it with your eyes open, I think it can be a shock.

I was talking to my OHs colleague recently (she’s just had a baby), and I was just innocently asking how she was, how she was finding being a mom, etc. I was speechless when she said it has ‘wrecked her physically and mentally’. That really drove home for me how not all parents are totally happy, and made me realise I have definitely made the right decision.


Post # 14
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your post was nice, thank you.  You are obviously in group of people that are 100% happy with the decision.  I’ve actually never heard anyone speak so glowingly of having a kid, and many of my friends have them.  Usually it’s negative, negative followed by “but it’s so worth it.”  Right…

Anyway, I am a “fencer,” and I am 30, and I feel as if I can’t depend on the feeling just hitting me someday.  I feel like I need to make a definite decision either way in the next year or two.  No/yes? What do you guys think?

Post # 15
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Thank you SO MUCH for posting this.

I am pregnant by surprise and it’s nice to know that not everyone has baby fever, and is so prepared to be a mom. I always told my husband that I liked just seeing his daughter frequently and being an aunt… but he wanted kids! I was “on the fence” I guess you could also say, but I’m only 24 so when he started talking babies it wasn’t even on my radar. I loved the kids in my life and used to always say how happy I was that I could give them back to my sister when they started crying, but in reality I’m very good with kids.

My husband and I were going to try NFP but had a whoopsie moment before I got the hang of the charting, and here we are. I was totally blindsided by the morning sickness and I felt guilty that I hated being pregnant so much because I hear other women saying how much they love it. I do already love this baby and I’m very excited, but I was feeling so guilty worrying about all the things I would have to give up. It’s great to hear that you still have time with your husband and friends πŸ™‚

It’s nice to know there are people on here who aren’t dying for babies, but don’t hate babies either. I love to hear that these moms are so in love and getting along just fine. I know I will love this baby but sometimes I worry how can I be a good mom if I wasn’t even sure I totally wanted to be a mom in the first place?? I would normally never admit this though, so thank you!


Post # 16
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@barbie86: I loved your post. I don’t think I’ve ever hadsomeone say “I was on the fence and DIDN’T go for kids, and im happy with it”. It just seems to me that most of the time people say “I was on the fence but then I just had the feeling and now it’s all great!” (no offense to the OP, cause I also thought your post was real and heartfelt and a good perspective on someone who decided yes).

But for me, my concerns aren’t just that i like to be selfish, it’s that I have a job that I find really fulfilling and I’m not sure how to make a baby ever fit into it. Plus, I don’t believe that a baby will fill that part of me – sure I would love my child and they’d enrich a different part of my life, but I need my job too. It bothers me when my friends say “life is meaningless before kids, now i understand what im living for” – i HAVE things to live for! I don’t want to take career hits for my kids. And apparently many women in my field feel the same way, since no woman I work with of any age has kids.

Anyway, that was offtopic, but I’m on the fence too so reading other people’s perspectives is very interesting for me πŸ™‚ I’m only 22, so I have time to figure it out, thank goodness.

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