Weddingbee boards

I have met my soul mate and am the happiest I have ever been. But my family doesn't know that I am engaged to be married in 5 months. I know that I need to tell my parents, but it's complicated. I fell in love with a woman and I know she's the one for me. I have NO idea how to tell my mother and father (a minister). I've told my siblings, and while they didn't disown me, they were not happy. My brother did say that he supported me 100 percent, and I couldn't ask for anything more than that. But I love my parents and want them to be there for the happiest and most important day of my life. I just know that telling them will change our relationship forever. They've uttered several disparaging and homophobic comments about same-sex relationships over the past few years, so I already know that this is really shake things up. My best friend also married a woman last summer and while she was out to her parents, she didn't invite them to the wedding and later regretted it. I want to give my parents the opportunity to come, but I also don't want to see their empty chairs at my wedding, which would be the ultimate rejection. I am just at a crossroads. I've been carrying this for three years, and it's exhausting. My mother will sometimes come to my job unannounced, so I quickly turn my engagement ring around so that the ring just looks like a plain, gold band. I hate the fear, the lying, the secretiveness. I'm tired of telling my parents that my fiancee is my "roommate".

I've had people tell me that if my family doesn't accept me that I am better off without them, but it's not that easy. I am petrified of losing them. But it's definitely worth it to be happy with my soon to be wife. 

While I can't begin to know how you feel, I just wanted to post to show my support. I know this can't be an easy thing (to come out to your parents), but it doesn't sound like it's an easy thing to carry on living the way you are (and carrying the burden alone).  

I would think the fact you have already come out to your siblings is probably a huge step, and while they may not "like" it, you've found support in your brother. I'm a big believer in the "rip it off like a bandaid" approach to difficult situations, but atleast if you confide in your parents, you're giving them the chance to surprise you- maybe seeing you happy will be enough?

Wish there was more I could say, I'm wishing you luck! 

Congrats on your upcoming marriage!!! You are in such a tough situation. But you will definetly feel a load come off your shoulders if you sit down with your parents, privately, and tell them first about your relationship, pause, then about your engagement and wedding plans. Based on their reaction, you can judge if you should talk to them about attending now, or later. Based on how you described them, it seems reasonable that they will be shocked and not quite know how to deal with it, which might result in some hurtful reactions. But, they love you, and want you to be happy. Hopefully it won't take them that long to remember that, but if it takes a while, you have a fiance and siblings and friends, and the hive, to get you through! Good luck, you're in my prayers!

(((((Hugs))))))

I only wished I had an answer for you.

Your family loves you. They have raised you to make decisions based on their values as well as those you have developed yourself.

While this is about the least ideal way they would probably want your life to be, they surely want you to be happy and loved. 

I know some religions are very anti same sex relationships, however, it could be argued that God created man and woman, God also doesn't give us anything we can't handle. This could be an opportunity for your family to learn about unconditional love. You have been given a gift, they have been given a challenge. 

I don't know how best to go about talking with your family about this, but I might suggest just your parents and you and your brother since he is already in your court.

Wow. I am blown away by all of the wonderful and supportive responses. It was a pleasant surprise to read all of your heartfelt comments when I returned home this evening.

It's next to impossible to tell both of my parents simultaneously because my dad is never home. He coaches high school softball in addition to a softball league for younger girls, so it is hard to catch him. I have plans to spend the day with my mom this Saturday, and I thought it would be a good time to tell her. I have a hard time talking when I am emotional, so I have written a letter. I had been planning to send it to my parents for months, but I've held on to it because I feel it would be a cowardly approach. However, it's the only way I can ensure my parents will hear/read everything I want to say. I also thought about just telling my mother but also giving her the letter to read. That way, she could refer back to it as she adjusts to the disclosure. I have plans to see a therapist to help me work through this, but I won't have time to see anyone before this weekend, which, as I've said, is when I plan to come to my mother. 

I feel as though my parents have an idea, but could be in denial about it. My parents have met my finacee, but they were not overly friendly with her at all. I dated a few men in college, but I never brought them home. In fact, one relationship ended terribly, and I am fearful my parents will attribute my sexual orientation to my negative experience with that person. It has nothing to do with that, but it's a common miscomception people have. There are so many things I want to say to my parents. I've even researched homosexuality and the bible so that I can be prepared for the inevitable theological debate I will have with my parents. I've read books, ordered films and documentaries, and engaged in counsel with clergy. Yet, I feel grossly unprepared. All I can do is hope for the best. In the meantime, I will re-read my literature on coming out. There is no textbook answer for this, but I sure wish there was.

My best friend, who I mentioned in my first post, came out to her father over a year ago and he told her that he still loved her, but that he was sad that she would not join him in heaven. It's comments like that I fear most. My best friend's sister (her twin) was killed in a car accident 4 years ago, and she too, was gay. When her father asked my best friend about her sister's sexual orientation, she covered for her so her father's impression of his daughter would remain positive. It's so sad to think my parents could react in this way, which is why I've refused to come out for so long. 

I just wanted to add my support as well. I've never been in this position so I don't have any good advice to share. It's so special to find the love of your life, and I hope you are able to enjoy this time, despite the hurdles you face. It sounds like you've done a lot of research and have prepared for this, which is great. I hope your mother responds well I will keep you in my thoughts this week. *hugs*

I couldn't agree with you MORE, Ejs4y8 (re: who goes to heaven)!! You said it better than I ever could!

Beachwedding: I definitely support and stand behind you 100%. I can't begin to imagine how much pressure you must feel leading up to Saturday but I think you're definitely doing the right thing by being honest and open with your parents. Best of luck and we're here for you!

Good luck beachwedding! I think you'll be fine. Your fiance will ineveitably be supportive, and giving your parents time before the wedding is the best option. Think how hurt they'd be if they found out in two swoops your sexual orientation and the fact that you're married! It's much better this way, and who knows, maybe they'll be incredibly supportive!

 Good luck and HUGE HUGS from all the bees! We support you!