(Closed) On the verge of an emotinal breakdown…I need to come out to my family

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Congratulations on having met your soul mate and on your engagement! I know I am a complete stranger, but I support you and your FI 100%!

It sounds like you’ve made up your mind on what the best thing to do is, and are wondering how best to go about it.  I don’t have any experience with coming out… but when I met Mrs. Bee’s parents, I was pretty worried (because I wasn’t Korean).  The main thing that helped me at the time was to have a really long time horizon.  I just figured it would take 10 years for them to accept me.

It actually happened much faster than that, to my great relief!  But I figured that time was on my side… and that eventually, they would have to accept me for who I am.

I can’t imagine how much harder the experience would have been with my own parents.  I am wishing you all the best, and crossing my fingers for you! Good luck!!

Post # 4
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

While I can’t begin to know how you feel, I just wanted to post to show my support. I know this can’t be an easy thing (to come out to your parents), but it doesn’t sound like it’s an easy thing to carry on living the way you are (and carrying the burden alone).  

I would think the fact you have already come out to your siblings is probably a huge step, and while they may not "like" it, you’ve found support in your brother. I’m a big believer in the "rip it off like a bandaid" approach to difficult situations, but atleast if you confide in your parents, you’re giving them the chance to surprise you- maybe seeing you happy will be enough?

Wish there was more I could say, I’m wishing you luck! 

Post # 5
Bee
13701 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

I’m not sure how helpful my advice will be, but I think you should just be honest and tell your parents about your situation.  You should start with the one you think will be most likely to support you and have them act as a go-between for you and the other parent.  Maybe having your brother there will make things easier, since he supports you. 

 Your parents love you, and no matter how upset and shocked they may be at first, I am sure they will not want to lose you as a daughter.  Give them time to come around and accept you for who you are.

Good luck and congrats on finding the one!

Post # 6
Member
16 posts
Newbee

They are your parents, no matter what. I think being honest with them is so much easier than lying about it because one day it will come out by an unexpected source, and they will be more shocked hearing it from someone else than from you. I wish you the best of luck, and think its best for you and your FI to tell the truth, and know that worst comes to worst, youll have one another forever…and thats something no one could take away.

Post # 7
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Congrats on your upcoming marriage!!! You are in such a tough situation. But you will definetly feel a load come off your shoulders if you sit down with your parents, privately, and tell them first about your relationship, pause, then about your engagement and wedding plans. Based on their reaction, you can judge if you should talk to them about attending now, or later. Based on how you described them, it seems reasonable that they will be shocked and not quite know how to deal with it, which might result in some hurtful reactions. But, they love you, and want you to be happy. Hopefully it won’t take them that long to remember that, but if it takes a while, you have a fiance and siblings and friends, and the hive, to get you through! Good luck, you’re in my prayers!

Post # 8
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

There is no way that I can put myself in your shoes, but I am SO happy for you that you found your soulmate.  Some people go through their whole lives without ever having that happen.  I also know that it’s easier said than done, but tell your parents.  You’ll never know what they’ll say or feel unless you have the open dialouge with them.  Your parents may take the news just like you would expect, but they might also surprise you and support you 100% even if they wouldn’t do the same if they were in your shoes.  Take that step and talk to them, you really will feel so much better getting to take this weight off your shoulders.  Again, congrats, I am wishing you luck, and we are here for you if you need any support!

Post # 9
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve been reading up on Amazon about coming out to parents, and there are some really great books that have gotten really strong reviews!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/bestsellers/books/10714/

I bet the local bookstore or library would have a bunch of these books…  hopefully they can guide you through the process! 

Post # 10
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I was just thinking about Mr. Bee’s advice about 10 years, and that is one way to approach this. Maybe you could tell them that you know this is not something that they will be happy with, but that you are making a family. Coming to your wedding may not be something they are comfortable with today, but will they feel the same 10 years from now? You are looking to the future, you love them, and even if they are not happy, and don’t even pretend to be, you need to start your future with them.

 

Just a thought. I just attended my best friend’s wedding. Her wife’s father didn’t come to the wedding, and I know it was tough. There is no way to guarantee they will come, but even if their chairs are empty, you should find some small way to feel connected. Send them photos, or mention them in the program. It isn’t fair, but your extra effort is needed. Do it for your futute wife and your future family together.

Post # 11
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Congrats on finding your soulmate. It’s a wonderful thing! While I don’t have any real advice for you, I just wanted to show my support! I hope your family comes around and is there for your big day. 

Post # 12
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I just wanted to echo all the other posters in saying that I am wishing you the very best and I hope you are able to come out to your parents.  I don’t know if you’ve looked up PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays) but they might have some useful resources.  I know this must be really tough–I’m sending virtual hugs your way!

Post # 13
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Congratulations and I wish both of you the best.  I have no advice on how to come out to your parents, only that you need to do so.  Parents may not like what their children do but I do know that a parents unconditional love is stronger than we can ever imagine.  Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Congrats to both of you! I think it’s always best to be in a happy, healthy relationship, no matter who it’s with! Hopefully your relationship will open your family’s eyes and that your coming out to them ends up being this huge weight off your shoulder. I have no advice to give, just some well wishes!

Post # 15
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Congratulations on your engagement!  I’m sorry that this issue has been nagging at your mind… hopefully not too much that it is spoiling your enjoyment of the magic.

I’ve had several friends go through what you are going through right now, and I think channeling them, they would say to prepare yourself the best you can, and then have the talk with them as gently and openly as you can with as much time before the wedding to let them adjust.

Do you have a trusted advisor or a counselor?  I’m just thinking it might help to role play the scenerios that might come about as a result of the discussion, and you might be able to brainstorm whether it is better for you to tell them about the relationship, but not the wedding at first, and then go on from there.  

I think every situation is unique, and you know yours best.  Mostly, I’m wishing you strength and love, and wanted to tell you that no matter what happens with your family, you are still marrying the love of your life!  Please keep us posted, and know that I’ll be thinking of you.

Post # 16
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

Congratulations to you & your fiancee! I too agree with the previous posts, even though you know it may be a negative reaction initially, I think it is best to tell them as soon as you can. They may not be accepting now, but it gives them time to come to terms with it themselves, and (hopefully) by the time your wedding day arrives, they will hopefully be able to attend & celebrate your marriage.
I have had a couple of friends in similar situations, hiding their relationships with their loved one, due to being so afraid of their conservative families negative reactions. When one friend came out to his mom (which he did first as he knew she would take it a bit better than his dad), she said Oh yeah I figured out you were in a relationship with your "friend" when you brought him over for Thanksgiving. Now he & his boyfriend spend holidays with his parents without having to worry or hide their relationship.
Another friend got a reaction of "Oh thank goodness, we were afraid you were going to tell us something awful like that you had cancer or something".
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you but we are here to offer our support.(((Hugs)))

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