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Poll? :) To answer your question, yes the thread got nuts. And yes I think it depends on the context. Clearly there is a line between BDSM and abuse.. I don't know if that line can be determined on an internet message board.
I definitely don't think you're closed minded. That thread got nuts at the end. Spanking in the bedroom is ok, spanking to punish and degrade your wife is not ok.
@mrbee: I TOTALLY agree with you. Thanks for closing that discussion.
You're not close-minded. I don't personally get the bedroom spanking thing but to each his own, and deserving to be hit cuz someone's a b!tch is obviously a different animal.
A lot of people probably "deserve" to be hit and push others to the brink during the course of daily life, but as civilized people we're supposed to suppress those urges. There are many other acceptable ways of punishing a heinous act. If I slapped everyone I encountered that was being an idiot or a$$hole (and if I wasn't a tiny 110lb thing that can pose no threat of physical injury) I'd probably have been incarcarated for life.
@mrbee: I totally agree with you! Two consenting adults partaking in spanking as part of foreplay/sex is 100% okay in my book. You are definitely not closed-minded.
But spousal abuse is never okay no matter how you look at it. Some of the comments in that previous thread really worried/scared me as it seemed pretty clearly to be spousal abuse masqurading as Christian spousal realtions, IMO. I'm a Christian and am friends with many others and I can promise you that nothing that was being described in the previous thread would be anywhere near okay in any of our relationships.
That thread was really intriguing, but no. No one person (woman or man) "deserves" to be hit or spanked. In the bedroom as foreplay...ok. As a discipline strategy, no.
This whole thing is weird anyway, because I am fairly sure that many research studies have shown that spanking a child is not an effective behavioral management strategy. So, why would it work on an adult?
I also agree with you Mr. Bee. I thought it was interesting at first with the back and forth, but then she just got completely offensive at the end, and I'm glad you closed that thread. It had gotten way out of hand.
Well you raise an interesting philosophical question. Plenty of people have heard of bad things happening to someone behaving badly and secretly thought well of it I'm sure ("they deserved that"). But does a woman deserve to be hit because someone thinks they're being snotty, etc? Absolutely not.
No adult "deserves" physical punishment, period. Even criminals get jail terms instead of lashes.
If my partner even wanted to punish me for something (meaning one-sided, regardless if physical or not) that'd be it for me. If I'm acting like a total b*tch, I expect him to tell me about it so I can fix it myself.
Thank you for closing that thread, I found it really disturbing towards the end.
On the other hand, if two partners want to do something consensually in the privacy of their own home, go for it. As long as the intent is pleasure and not pain/punishment.
I think hitting someone can be justified, but the person being hit still doesn't necessarily deserve it. For example, if two people are arguing and one person makes it physical - let's say this is really serious and they have a knife and start trying to stab the second person - then the second person is completely justified when they whack the first over the head in the hopes that they'll drop the knife. It was self defense. The first person still doesn't deserve to be hit, though. I think that "deserving" means that it's something they should receive regardless of the timing. However, it would be wrong for the second person to come back a month later, after they've recovered from their knife wounds, and hit the first person. Thus, the first person doesn't deserve to be hit.
lol funny because my first thought was "Oh no not another one Mr. Bee must be exasperated that this won't die..." Then I saw it was you posting it! :)
To answer your question.... I said NO because I think we're talking about in the context of a relationship and hitting/spanking being used as punishment. That I don't think is ever okay.
What I don't really get riled up about is what happens between men. Guys fight and if one guy punches another guy in a bar... meh. It's not OKAY.... but on the other hand it kind of annoys me that you can get sued for that now'a'days.
Is this about love making? (I don't know what those terms are) I think I know what thread you are talking about because I avoided it. I don't like to discuss my love life on this site out of respect for DH so I didn't even open it.
So needless to say I didn't see the discussion and i"m not 100% sure what is being discussed. Here are my thoughts:
-Yes, a child can deserve to be spanked (lightly) if he's acting up
-No, an adult never deserves to be hit by another adult
-If two lovemaking adults like to be spanked as a turnon (not hard) then one can say to the other "you deserved that!"
That's all I can think of to add.
Yes you are right - I should've clarified that I'm referring to someone deserving to get hit/spanked because of their actions/speech.
Self defense is totally separate. If you come at me with a knife (man or woman), I am totally justified in defending myself.
No one deserves to have another person hit them- ever.
I don't think anyone even deserves to be yelled at. As complex and imperfect humans, we may lose our temper and yell, but the no one deserves to receive it. We are capable of teaching and learning in ways that don't involve physical violence!
We are humans, not dogs.
Spanking as a sexual activity/role playing (naughty school girl fantasy, etc) or as foreplay between two consenting adults is fine. NO ONE "deserves" to be spanked as punishment.
I'm glad you closed the thread.
@mrbee: I agree with you 100%, there is never a good reason to beat/hit or spank a grown up person as a means of keeping them in line..
Unless it is consentual, no no one deserves to be hit or spanked. A tap on the hiney that doesn't hurt is okay, but not in the context of "deserving". I also agree with the no yelling. Two adults should be able to communicate without inflicting pain on each other.
No, I don't think anyone deserves to be hit, spanked, abused, or otherwise. I too am glad you closed that thread. It had gotten out of hand.
i accidently voted yes but i meant to vote NO!
i think kids deserve spankings sometimes when they are misbehaving. but the adult getting a spanking thing is not appropriate.
No, definitely not. A wife (husband, too) should never be spanked, slapped, hit, or smacked in the context of "deserving" it because she/he misbehaved or acted out of line.
I had to go back and add in man/husband because it made me think of some woman-abusing-man cases i saw on law and Order!
thanks for closing that thread mr bee. i was really distrubed and worried... i voted no. what could a woman possibly do that leads her husband to "discipline" her? that is just crazy and domestic abuse IMO. im a grown woman. the days of discipling me like some child ended decades ago. violence is the never the answer to resolving conflict. BSDM is not conflict resolution so the whole thread was just so wierd and troublesome...
No, I don't think anyone ever deserves to be hit or spanked.
meh. If both people in the relationship agree to it then why not. That thread got stupid quick. Some people just always have to have the last word and it is so annoying.
I don't think you're closed-minded at all. I have no issues whatsoever with consensual BDSM. But that thread went from, "I love getting spanked by my husband, I enjoy it and it makes OUR marriage work," to "WOMEN who are b*tches deserve to get spanked," and that definitely crossed the line. She can speak for herself all she wants, but she does not get to dictate how all women should be treated by men.
Well, I didn't see the other thread and I'll likely take some heat for it... But I answered yes and I'll give you an example.
When I was in college, my brother dated this terribly toxic and ridiculous woman who in hindsight might have been bipolar. Anyway, one day she got mad because he popped some popcorn in the microwave and ate the bag without offering her any. After hitting, kicking and spitting on him in her psychotic rant as he attempted to leave his own apartment, she picked up the microwave oven and hit him in the face with it, breaking his nose. I firmly believe that she did it because she knew he would never hit a woman.
In that instance, I felt that she DESERVED to be hit (actually have the snot smacked out of her) and I obliged. And as I smacked the snot out of her repeatedly, I told her, "The next time you even THINK about hitting a man because you know he was raised not to hit girls, you'd better PRAY that he doesn't have a little sister!!"
Am I proud of it? No; but do I feel she deserved it, yes—just as I would've deserved it if she had decided to hit me back.
That was not in a romantic relationship context and perhaps that was the intent of this thread? I answered the question as it was asked:
Can someone ever deserve to be hit or spanked?
And I'll stand by my answer.
@tootietoo2: That sounds more like self-defense, which I think most of us would be okay with. The previous thread was talking about men 'disciplining' their wives, which sounds a hell of a lot closer to domestic violence.
@jo.lee: Oh, thanks for cluing me in! Then no, I really can't see when it would be okay for a spouse to "discipline" another. I'd like to think that if we are old enough to get married we are adults and then we should be practicing self-discipline.
I think it shows an abusive mentality on both the husband and wife's part and obviously for that poster she was translating it into how others should be treated, which is often what happens when people are abused. That's different than when people do kinky stuff in the bedroom. It's definately taking it too far or there's been an abusive line that's been seriously crossed when someone actually believes "A woman acting like a b*tch deserves it."
All I could think of is how little respect two adults must have for each other to enter into that kind of relationship, I expect maybe a misbehaving immature child to respond with violence but a grown man? I just can't fathom how there's any respect on either parties part in a relationship like that.
SWell I guess I might sound like a wierdo, but I do occasioanlly slap my SO. Not hard, and not out of anger. But it is more of a joke between us. He slaps my butt, so i'll gently slap ( pretty much finger tap0 him in the face. Or if he's ttickling me too much, i'll gently slap him in the face. He always says"why do you slap?" and I respond"because you deserve it". That being said I would never do it to inflict pain.
@mrbee - I am also glad you closed that thread. And I voted NO, no adult deserves to be "spanked" if it is not consensual. Self defense aside, it is physical abuse. Thank you for ending the thread when it got toxic.
I do not think that in ANY circumstance (besides consented foreplay spanking)hitting should be allowed between adults. I think maybe, if it is within reason children (which I wasn't sure at first if that's what you wre talking about or not) can be punished that way.
@Cash000: FI and I do the same thing, but it's just playing. We're not hitting because one of us did something to p*ss the other off and that's how we deal. It would be a big deal breaker to both of us if the other one hit to deal with anger.
@Cash000: Yeah, love taps and play fighting are not the subject of this discussion. FI and I smack each other's butts all the time. We also have playful shoving matches and wrestling matches. If he tells a really bad joke, I'll poke him in the ribs or slap his arm. It's all in good fun. That's very different than creating an enormous power imbalance to be the framework of your entire relationship, where a woman submits to physical punishment not because she enjoys it but because she "deserves" it. To me, that's where it definitely crossed the line from an offbeat topic to a toxic one.
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Earlier today, I closed a thread after someone said re: spanking that, "A woman acting like a b*tch deserves it."
I am a total supporter of BSDM and other consensual activities. If two consenting adults want to share an activity in the privacy of their own homes, I support their right to do that 100%.
But I don't think that anything can make a woman "deserve" to be hit or spanked. To me, that sounds like the same attitude behind domestic violence. (EDIT: Self defense is a totally separate category, and isn't what I mean here. I'm referring more to: can someone's actions or words make them "deserve" to be non-consensually hit or spanked by someone else.)
But someone said I was close-minded, so I thought I'd put it to the group. What do you guys think?