Post # 1
We have an almost 18 month who is the light of our lives. It took three years and three rounds of IVF but she’s the most perfect little thing. She brings unspeakable joy every single day and I think about her every second of the day. That said, I think I’m done. I never expected to have an only child, but I honestly can’t picture sharing my love and life with another baby. I’m so excited to teach her things, to bake cookies together, go on field trips, be in the front row of her sports games. I see an amazing life with her. If I had another baby it would only be to give her a sibling, which is selfish. However, I can’t shake that tiny doubt in the back of my mind when everyone tells me I HAVE to have another baby for her, and that she’ll be so lonely. I’m not close with my sister or DH’s sisters and I worry that she won’t have much family. DH and I are talking about donating our remaining embryos with an open adoption so that she will have biological siblings out there and we won’t have to destroy the embryos we worked so hard to create. I also worry that could psychologically harm her too. I have an OBGYN appointment tomorrow and want to discuss tying my tubes. I’m just so afraid to make the wrong decision.
Post # 2
Is there anyway you can just give yourself more time and delay the decision to tie your tubes? Just use a temporary birth control method in the meantime? Depending on how old you are you could potentially have many years left where you could decide you want another babe. Nothing says you have to hurry and make it permanent yet.
~Disclaimer, I’m not a mom yet!
Post # 3
lol I was quite happy being an only child until my sister came along. Ignore people who tell you you “have to” do anything – it’s not their lives! If you feel this is not the right thing to do, then don’t do it. You don’t want to have another one and find out that it’s too much for you to handle. That being said, maybe tying your tubes is too permanent a solution just yet. I’d wait until you were absolutely sure one way or another. Getting your tubes tied is the same as actually having another kid – once you do it, it can’t be reversed (at least easily).
That being said, I have to add a disclaimer: I’m biased against siblings. Though I love my youngest sister deeply (the other one is another story…), I spent most of my childhood resenting both of my sisters and my parents. The grief and jealousy I felt were huge open wounds for years, until I grew up and realized that my parents didn’t love me any less. It was a hard road, though, and my younger sister and I were only a year apart. We were very close in age, but we grew up at odds and now don’t even speak. My youngest sister was off my radar for most of the time, because we’re six years apart. It’s only as adults that we’re getting closer. Personally, I would never have more than one child.
Post # 4
I suggest you do some research on only children. Your concerns are actually stereotypes, and your daughter will have a happy, amazing childhood regardless of having a sibling. Get the facts and see if that helps sway your decision. There are a lot of pros that come with being an only child. So if giving your daughter a sibling is the only reason you’d have another child, it sounds like that isn’t the best decision for your family. Of course only you can say for sure, but do a bit of research on the pros and cons of being an only first.
Post # 5
I am so happy you made this thread!
We are going to be a one-and-done family. We aren’t even TTC yet, but we know.
We got a dog two years ago and he was literally the light of my life, he still is. So we got a second. She came nearly 6 months ago and nothing has been the same. It’s SO much harder taking two dogs out than one, and as a result we haven’t done as much ‘adventuring’ as we did when we just had Koda.
They play and have fun, yes, but there’s an obvious splitting of my time between the two. I can imagine it would be much the same with children.
I have a brother, and we no longer speak. Fi is an only child. Dealing with the fallout of my brother and I has been far more heartbreaking than FI’s experiences of being an only child. For sure some things need to be done differently – he wishes his parents weren’t so strict about having friends over since he had nobody else to play with, but that is totally achieveable.
The thought of pregnancy and childbirth is absolutely terrifying to me. I can go through it once, but there is no way I would handle a second time.
For all these reasons and SO many more, we will only be having one baby. Don’t let anyone second guess yourself. Listen to your gut.
Post # 6
thunderbuns : You sound like me. It’s hard as a child to come to grips with sibling issues, and heartbreaking even as an adult dealing with the trauma.
Post # 7
I have two siblings and can’t imagine ever not having them. However, my husband is an only child and can’t imagine ever having them!
Children are generally fine with whatever they have. It sounds like you plan to be a pretty fabulous parent so I don’t actually think loneliness will be an issue for her- you’ll be there for her, you will make sure she has socialising opportunities etc.
It’s ok to be one and done. I’m probably going to be the same (Still baking the one!)- I just don’t think I want more than one and that’s even with my great experience of siblings.
If you’re ok with one, I don’t think you need to listen to anyone else (except your husband)
Post # 8
samanthasmama : I knew before my daughter was even conceived that I only wanted one. She’s my entire world and I can’t imagine having another baby. Seriously, I become physically ill when I think about having another kid. I think when you know, you know. My husband on the other hand would like another baby but it’s not a deal breaker for him (thankfully!)
I socialized my daughter with lots of kids her age to help with development and learning to share but I know lots of singletons and they turned out just fine.
I have 2 biological siblings and one adopted sister. I love them more than I can explain but we didn’t get along until I was 18 and moved out on my own. In fact I hated my siblings when we lived together. I lived with my bio sister after we were oh adults and that lasted literally 2 weeks because we just aren’t meant to be under one roof lol. Can’t live with um, can’t live without um I guess lolol.
Just do what feels right for you and your husband, don’t let anyone tell you what you should do or have to do. It’s your life.
Post # 9
I was raised an only child and im well aware of the advantages.
I’ve seen lovely sibling relationships (as adults) but plenty that aren’t good.
Our first baby is due. I don’t know how I’ll feel a year or two down the line but I can totally see this one being our ‘one and done’.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2016 - Gorse Hill, Surrey, UK
I’m an only child and I’m child free by choice. There were times growing up that I thought it would be fun to have brothers and sisters, but I had a big family of cousins I saw all the time when I was little, and I was honestly grateful to go home on my own after spending all day with them. I could never understand why they got into fights with each other so much! If I ever did decide to have a baby, I would only have one because from my own experience I was perfectly happy on my own, and from a parental perspective I would like to be able to dedicate my full attention to nurturing all of my childs needs and not spreading myself between 2 or 3 and feeling guilty about not doing enough for one or all of them.
On the flip side, there are millions of families who had more than one baby, and it works out just as well, so its really a personal decision and its ok to change your mind later on!
Post # 11
Thanks so much for all of your perspective. It helped me validate this decision. I too have a sibling and we didn’t get along at ALL growing up and are not close to this day. My husband grew up with two siblings but said he felt like an only child growing up because they also weren’t close at all, and still aren’t. I just worry about giving her a dysfunctional view of family life. I wish we were all close but the majority of it is due to circumstances beyond control. I just hope I’m “enough” for my daughter. We go to Gymboree and go out most days. She’s also in an incredible daycare three days a week socializing up a storm and has really blossomed.
As as far as birth control, I can’t use anything hormonal at all. I’m not worried about an accidental pregnancy at all (it’s almost impossible), it’s more that I feel like I need to make this final. I just worry about the sinister things, ya know? The things you push into the way back of your mind but creep out every now and then.
Post # 12
How does your DH feel about only having one, or more?
I understand that feeling, that you don’t know how you could ever share your love. I felt it the moment my son was born. You don’t lose it I still feel all that love for him. I love my daughter with all my heart too… But I think there is something special about the first. Just don’t let this be your reason. You have more love in you.
Post # 13
samanthasmama : There is nothing wrong with having an only child. There are pros and cons to most things. And I think it is very generous of you and your DH to donate any embryos you don’t use. If pregnancy isn’t a concern why not give yourself another year or two just to be certain?
Post # 14
smoocheepoo : He DEFINITELY wants to be one and done, unless we hit the lottery. He’s almost 41 and is worried about being able to keep up with her and be present. So many people say what you have regarding a second child. 🙂
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
I was raised as an only child (siblings given up for adoption before I was born a few years later, different father, blah blah blah) and was no worse off for it. While I had a rough childhood, I was loved and spoiled and grew up to be very independent. Being alone has never bothered me and I feel like in some ways it made me force myself to stimulate my brain more by reading and painting and things like that.
Being an only child just meant I had to make more of an effort to make friends if I didn’t want to sit around alone all the time. The one downside to being an only child is that my mother died when I was young and my father has a lot of health problems. All I have left is my father, my grandmother, one uncle and one aunt that I am close to. So once those people go, thats it. I’m all alone with no family other than DH.
With that said though, we plan on having two. If money was no object I would have a third as well.