Post # 1
I’m just hoping to get some advice on a situation which I’m worried may turn into a pile of awkward turtles. So a few of my friends have recently become engaged (yay!) and we’re part of a group that’s kept more or less in touch since our school days. We’re all planning quite different weddings (one is “faux-eloping” with just parents and siblings, another is planning quite a big bash, small destination wedding – etc). A mutual friend of all of ours from this school group wants to host a bridal shower/kitchen tea for all of us.
There are a few problems with this:
1. Our guest lists won’t really overlap
2. Not everyone in our group of school friends will be invited to all the various weddings (all kinds of reasons)
3. She still has a great relationship with everyone and will want to invite everyone. At this point in time I’m just hoping the idea will fall off her ‘to do’ list and just not go anywhere. The only thing that bothers me is the potential hurt and bad manners of inviting people to a shower who are invited to the weddings. I really don’t mind if no shower is planned – it’s not really all that common over here. I do understand that she wants to celebrate all these engagements somehow. Any advice on how to handle this or suggestions for an alternative kind of celebration to head off her idea?
Post # 2
I think the sentiment is lovely but the idea is bad. Guests who know more than one bride will have no idea who to bring a gift for, or even who they are celebrating. Guests who know only one bride will show up not knowing the other 99% of guests. So confusing.
I’d explain to her that this kind of party can quickly get out of hand and confusinng, so maybe it would be best to invite only the brides and their core friends and have a girl’s day or general celebration party without the ‘bridal shower’ label that comes with so much obligation on everyone’s part.
Bridal showers can be hard enough to organize without this well-intentioned mess.
Post # 3
Don’t make it a shower. No one releases their registry before the shower date. No one is invited to a shower. People are invited to get together before all of you take the plunge into marriage. I would have the friend act as more of a coordinator and not a host. Every woman pays for their own meal. Invited to something like this I would not presume I was on the wedding invite list.
Post # 4
I think that the gift giving aspect of the shower is where things go wrong with this situation (do you buy all girls gifts, just those whose weddings you are invited to, no one) so I would take that out of the equasion…. make it just a girls celebration tea or whatever. It doesn’t have to be a big over the top something but it could be a girl BBQ/picnic or make it closer to a bachelorette (night out at a bar or dinner)
Post # 5
And this is why I come to weddingbee!
Thanks so much for the great advice!
littlemisshostess: I think you hit the nail on the head with the gift giving. There was just this real feeling of awkwardness about the idea and I had kind of forgot about the whole gift situation.
CurlyCue: I’m going to suggest this coordination/everyone pays for themselves idea. There’s already so much politics at play – there will definitely be girls that will be upset that they won’t be invited to the larger weddings because they themselves had invited everyone in the group. Argh.
Post # 6
This sounds like a major cluster. Better off everyone have their own showers. I like the idea of a big party, but would the other brides be ok not having a shower, or would this just be yet another pre-wedding party where people would have to she’ll out money to pay for themselves on top of individual showers later? Personally, I’d just go the route of everyone having their own shower and be done.
Post # 7
Xu: You make a good point Xu. I might actually send out some feelers and get a sense of what the other brides think. I’d think they’d be pretty chilled with it, but then again it might be a bad idea to assume. I actually forsee at least 3 girls in the group (non brides) kicking up a massive, massive fuss 🙁
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
I’m going against the grain – I think it sounds like an adorable idea. Even if the guest lists don’t overlap, people can mingle and meet new people. The only concern I would have would be that multiple brides means a lot more guests, and would increase the costs/time burden on the hostess by a factor of three (or four, or whatever.) Otherwise I say go for it.
Post # 9
I think this would work maybe for 2 brides. But that guest list could EASILY be over 200 people for four brides if all of their guests are different. And even 125 shower guests is A LOT. That would be my biggest concern – that the brides wouldn’t get time together (which seems to kind of be the idea). They would be spending all their time entertaining their individual guests and friends.
Pixel8: Pixel, this really isn’t a good idea. I think a bridal tea or something where you all get together and celebrate is a wonderful idea. But don’t make it a shower. The gift-giving would be complicated (4 brides opening gifts one at a time???) and take hours and there is so much opportunity for confusion. And as I mentioned above, you guys wouldn’t really get to hang out! Being a bride at a shower is hard work, a job in itself. This could easily become 4 separate parties in one.
If you really wanted it to be a shower, you could each bring a small gift for each of the brides. This would give the shower feel (opening gifts and whatnot) without the overwhelming number of guests and gifts.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
If she’s a mutual friend of everybody, why don’t you just make it a small party with her and the engaged ladies? Why turn it into a big shower and invite 5 people’s entire friends list? I’d just make it a small party between y’all. Good luck!
Post # 11
I see this situation as akin to a book club or sorority having a shower for their members.
If she hosts the shower and only invites members of the school group, I think it will work well and be lots of fun. It would give all the women a great chance to celebrate and have fun together without worrying about the comfort level of other guests who don’t know all the brides.
I don’t see any need to invite other friends or family to this shower. Family and friends of the brides could still host their own shower to which other wedding guests would be invited.
Post # 12
Thanks guys, I’ll keep these tips in mind if she brings up the idea again. There’s still a chance this might not get anywhere….here’s hoping?