Weddingbee boards

I am writing this almost 6 months after calling off my wedding.  I know I should have cancelled this account sooner but I needed time to heal.  And now I realize that I want to reach out to other bees for feedback and support. This a sad story so brace yourselves bees.

My fiance and I became engaged last November.  I was so in love with this man.  We had been together for almost 7 years and grew up together as high school sweathearts.  We had lived together for the last 3 years of the relationship.  I was the one who proposed sort of casually because I realized that we were practically living like we were married so why not go for it.  We picked out a beautiful ring and proceeded to plan the big event.  I was having all kinds of fun getting wrapped up in the details.  My mother and I grew closer during this time than ever before as we talked dresses and cakes.  I felt like my life couldn't be any more perfect and that I was the luckiest girl in the world. We set the date as September 24th, 2011, a week after my 23rd birthday.

We were one of those disgusting couples that looked great together and never fought, you know the type. People would ask us all the time, what our secret was. How were we such a happy couple?  I would explain (somewhat ironically as it turns out) that we had such great communication, that we talked about everything, and that we knew everything about eachother.  But there was someting very dark that I did not know about him, something that would change everything.

Precisely 6 months before the date of our wedding, my fiance came home slightly drunk.  He hardly ever drank but was celebrating his birthday that was just a few days before.  I found him a little emotional this particular night.  We began arguing about something stupid and little while trying to fall asleep in bed.  Suddenly he begins to start confessing something to me.  I prepared myself for what I thought would be the worst thing I could hear which was that he had cheated on me.  I assumed it was something like that because although he had never worried me before, he was afterall a guy. He begins crying and tells me that what he has to say may change everything and that he has never told anyone this secret.  I had to coax it out of him for 10 mins because it was so hard for him to say the words for the first time.  He told me that he had molested a child.

My whole world came to a screaching halt.  I was horrified.  How could this be?  I actually held myself together fairly well in those first moments because he needed me to comfort him as he beared his soul.  He was sobbing uncontrollably at this point and a nurturing maternal instinct came over me.  I let only one tear slide down my face as I held this broken man I thought I knew in the darkness of our bedroom.  I demanded more details.  He told me that the incident was before we met, when he was only 15 years old.  This meant that the offense occured 9 years prior.  If this was supposed to comfort me....it didn't. Yes, he was young but not too young to know that this was wrong.  And yes, while it did happen before we ever got together,  I'm not sure that being lied to the entire time I knew him was any better than what he did.  I asked who the child in question was.  To my horror it was a boy I knew and had met through my fiance's family.  The child is roughly 11 years old now but would have been 2 at the time it happened.  I was disgusted by what I had learned so far, but I knew that I needed to find out more.  I prodded and learned that it was a one time molestation that took place while my fiance had babysat the child.  I also learned what exactly he had done to the boy, details I do not care to share because of the nature of the crime.  Trust me when I say however, that the child was violated physically and no doubt emotionally from this incident.  

I soothed him until he was calm.  And then I got up, took a shower because I felt dirty and needed to collect my thoughts, packed an overnight bag of clothes and left.  Granted it was now 3:15 in the morning.  He begged me not to tell anyone.  I told him, that this was not fair.  He had dropped this bomb on me that destroyed the future I had been planning with him and now he didn't want me to be able to reach out to anyone about it?  I told him that I needed to atleast talk to my mom and sister about the matter and he reluctantly agreed.  The question was where to go for the night.  I chose a friend's house where I knew I would be warmly received even at that hour and I knew that it was a place where I didn't have to answer any questions.  I just needed to get away. To think about what just happened and what needed to happen.

The bottom line is this, when your fiance tells you that he molested a child years previously, you just don't stop loving him in a snap.  What he told me was horrible but it didn't erase 7 great years together.  Regardless, a tough decision has to be made.  I loved him, but I could no longer marry him.  I had been deceived in the worst possible way because I had been lead to trust in something that wasn't real.  I was allowed to invest hope in a future that was not possible any more because that future had included children one day and I couldn't have children with someone like this.  

He promised me it would never happen again and that he never even thought about kids like that but he could never answer me why he did it.  I told him that it was impossible for him to say that he wouldn't do it again if he never understood why he did it the first time.  I told him I needed time to think and I drove off in the middle of the night feeling like I didn't know what was down or up anymore.

I called my mom and my sister in the morning.  They were shocked and somewhat in denial.  They both told me that I needed to go back to him and give him a chance to make things right.  They told me to imagine what he must be going through and to help him get help.  They even criticized me for not being more understanding because I couldn't handle this news from the man I loved.  I was in disbelief.  He needed help? He needed understanding?  What about me?  I was hurting so bad that I couldn't possibly have scraped myself off the ground let alone help him aswell.  I couldn't help him heal when I was so damaged myself.  I was terrified that someone had been able keep this from me, hidden away with no hint of an internal dilemma for 7 years.  I even thought back to all those times we discussed having children and all the times we would see that small boy as he grew up and how no trace of the deceit ever showed on his face.  These must have been such triggers for him, but he never indicated that he was torn by something internal.  I believe that when someone holds that kind of guilt inside for so long, it eats away at their soul.  My fiance had told me that he had thought about it every day since it happened.  He told me that he wished he had died and that he had no idea what he would have become if we had not met.  He actually said that I had changed him. What does that mean for me? That I have been planning a life with someone who wishes they were dead? Or worse, that if I left him, he was going to continue to harm children? 

I found that I needed to be away from my fiance to process the news because I found myelf pitying him when he was near and I couldn't make this decision based on pity.  I needed to do the right thing for myself.  I took a week to think.  I hardly left bed and allowed myself to cry harder than I have ever cried.  I couldn't sleep or eat that week and I slipped into a short depression that forced me to drop out of the most important semester of my premedical career and lose 8 pounds.  I was a wreck.  In the end, I made the hardest decision of my life.  I called off my wedding and ended my seven year relationship with my fiance.  

My family essentially disowned me for making what they believed was the worst mistake of my life.  Even though some of them knew that my fiance had molested a child, they still somehow thought I had betrayed him by simply not being strong enought to cope.  As for the others who don't know, they figured that a flighty bride like me must have just gotten cold feet.  I will fall on that sword if I have to.  But I never imagined that in my lowest time when my fiance betrayed me, my family would betray me aswell.  There was even a time for about a month after the break up when my family refused to talk to me but would call him to make sure he was doing okay.  My ex-fiance still refuses to tell anyone in his family what he did and I am still fielding angry calls from them demanding to know why I called off the wedding and broke their poor son's heart.  All I tell them is that they do not know their son as well as they think and that he needs their support right now. 

With no family to really turn to, I tried to seek out therapy.  This was a challenge because while I don't think that what my fiance did was acceptable, I also dont want him to go to prison for the next 20 years and all therapists are court mandated reporters.  This means that if you come to a terapist with a story of child molestation, they are required by law to report to child protect services.  I had to call 15 different therapists in my area before I finally found one that would agree to not report if I didn't mention any specific names.  

I started an agressive therapy regime to help me battle the depression.  I was diagnosed with PTSD which means that almost nightly I re-live the night my fiance told me he was a pedafile in my dreams.  After 2 months of therapy I was given a clean bill of mental health.  Every day gets a little easier.  I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life.  I find that having a sense of humor about it all helps.  The hardest part, was the personal sense of guilt I felt over what happened to this young boy.  While I didn't take any personal part in stealing his childhood from him, I lived with and loved a man who did.  The therapy helped me realize how misplaced these feelings of guilt were and I have made peace with what has happened.  My therapist and I think it is best not to inform the family of the chld because there is a good chance that he does not remember the molestation.  Any effort to reach out to the child would likely be more painful and confusing at his age then positive.

I encouraged my ex-fiance to get help as well but he refuses out of fear of being convicted of his crime.  He also fears losing his friends and family over this (geez, I wonder what that would feel iike).  Regardless, I have cut off all ties with him and am trying to move on.  This was easier said then done because we had to divide up our property in the apartment and contact all of our vendors for the wedding to get our deposits back.  I gave him back the ring. 

So here I am, less than a month before me scheduled wedding date and stuck with a gorgeous white dress I cant use.  But I feel like everything happened for a reason.  I used to log into this site to discuss trivial little odds and ends with fellow bees about my wedding.  Now I know what is truly important.  I know real wedding trauma now.  I know true heartache.  I know what it means to make a hard decision.  I can only hope that me family will come around one day.

In other news, the friend I went to stay with on the worst night of my life ended up taking me in indefinitely.  Somehow, he looked into my damaged heart that night and saw a woman he could love.  We have been happily in love for about 5 months now and I think he is going to propose to me!  Good thing I didnt cancel this account.  I never thought I could be happy again and my instincts would try to have me believe that this is a rebound but I know its not.  I accidentally saw a bank statement of his showing that he just spent almost $8,000 at tacori. He is 11 years older than me but the age difference doesn't phase either of us.  He makes me happy.  He makes me laugh.  And in an odd way, he sort of saved my life when no one else was there for me. 

My only advise, you nver really know someone so be extra careful ladies.  But if you do find yourself with a broen heart, give love a second chance. You deserve to be happy no matter what anyone else says.

@whitwhit: Thanks for the kind words from everyone.  Luckily I will be vacationing during the weekend of my wedding.  Going to Disneyland in fact. I figure if the happiest place on earth doesn't do the trick then I don't know what else to do, lol.  It was actually an idea of my boyfriends.  He said that he wanted me to be able to get excited about that day still and not feel dread or anxiety. I didn't think it would work but actually having something else to look forward to has taken my mind off of the wedding. 

@Jeannine @ Small Chic: Good to be back.  Thank you. I am not sure why I didn't think to get my story out sooner.  I forgot about what a great support system exists on this site. 

@beekiss:  I know exactly what you are saying :) . I have convinced my current boyfriend to take it slow.  He knows how rough its been and he's been there through it all.  But at the same time, I sense that he is ready to settle down perhaps simply because he is older so he feels pressure to start a family.  He knows that even if he asks me to marry him, he can expect a longer engagement and no kids till I almos talmost done with my residency.  Of course my family hates him.  They say its because he is older but I know that the real reason is because he is not the guy that they all hoped I would marry. There are still living in this fantasy world where they think me and my ex are going to work it out.  I am glad to say that he completely respects me and the time that I need to take.

As a SANE RN (Sexual assault nurse examiner) and sometimes an insane nurse lol,  you DID the right thing, and I am so happy for you finding someone who sees you for the person you are! My FI was my best friend through a bad experiance with my first husband and it made us so strong! He is also older, your family will come around ,hang in there!You do need to get help for your ex. He cannot change and will have no control over his urges, He needs help.

Wow, *hugs* to you for working through such a difficult time, and holding your head high when everyone seemed against you. I am shocked that your family wouldn't stand by you, but am happy your new man is understanding and supportive. I am also so happy you took it on yourself to seek counseling, which can be hard to do. While your official clean bill of health is great news, I'm guessing this event is not something you'll forget quickly, so it might be a good idea to check back in with the therapist occasionally. I am definitely not saying you're not in a better place now, but I doubt it will hurt as you move past your old date and forward with your new relationship. My best wishes to you and your FI!

Wow that is unimaginable. I'm so sorry that you went through that and even more heartbroken that your family wasn't there to support you.  I am glad that sought counseling and that your heart has learned to love again! Best wishes to you always! Thank you for sharing your story

You truly did the right thing and I commend you for your courage. Congrats on your future engagement! 

I have so much admiration for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Big hugs to you for all your strength and courage.

Wow, Im so proud of you for being so strong through such a tough situation. I know you loved him and im sure he loved you too-- but it all comes down to how you feel about the situation. you couldnt handle living with a man and starting a life with a person who had violated a child- as one day it could be your own child--

your a strong woman and just remember that no matter what happens in life, Life will always give you something good.. no matter how bad it seems at that point, theres always a good reason for sure and u will see this in the long run when you do meet the new man in your life.

Dont give away your dress, always keep it with you as memories of what a happy occasion it was and look forward for a day where you can actually put that dress on and walk down the isle. itll soon come, God willing. just have hope and stay strong. If you ever need to talk, Just PM me.