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It's been six weeks or so since the last time I hit a housework wall and here it comes again... it's like our entire system of who does what is broken. I know a lot of households have a policy that one person cooks and the other cleans.
We don't, and it started because we both like cooking and hate doing the dishes. So it needs not fair to have one person do something more time consuming but pleasurable and the other to do something quicker but miserable. Yet the having to do the shopping/cooking/half the dishes/everything else is just gnawing away at me.
I'm curious how many people do split the cooking and cleaning. And if you don't, I am very interested in hearing how you do divide the daily grind chores?
@Entangled: Yes, that's our policy! The exception to this is on days that I work & he happens to have the day off. If he grills for us on one of those days, he often offers to clean up as well (the grill & the dishes) because he's had the day off & I was working.
In general, I love the idea of one cooks and the other cleans. Usually my husband relaxes while I cook and then I go relax and get some alone time while he cleans up. Works out well!
Yep, we have that "rule." Of course we are allowed to bend the rules. Sometimes if hubby has been at work all day and I had had the day off then I'll go ahead and do the dishes too. Or the other day he had to study for midterms so I told him not to worry about it. It's generally pretty even though.
I always cook, he always does the dishes. Its not so much a who likes to do what thing as the fact that he CAN'T cook. :)
Other chores...
Me- grocery shopping, laundry
Him- garbage, yardwork/driveway care
We clean together every weekend. I definitely spend more time on grocery shopping and laundry than he does on garbage and yard stuff, but it works for us. I hate doing those things, so I'm just glad I don't have to do them. Also, I have a lot more time than he does because he works more and is also studying.
The couple of times DH is home and we eat dinner together, he does do the dishes which I am grateful for. He hates to cook so for us it works out.
We do both together. We both hate to do the dishes, so the compromise is that we'll cook something together and do the dishes as we go. We'll talk as we do dishes together.
@JennyW1: We do this on weekends and it works out pretty well, since we have a lot of fun cooking together. The problem is during the week, he's usually finishing up work until the moment dinner is served (he's a PhD student), so I'm cooking alone and THEN doing my half of the dishes. Which does not make me very happy. :\
I cook mostly every night, so he does the dishes. Works out great for us. He actually is the one who said that since I cook, he should do dishes back when I moved in a few years back. It works out great. All the other chores, we share pretty equally except I do the grocery shopping. We both do laundry, clean the house, etc.
Yep, we have the strict, one person cooks the other cleans :)
Then we have our chores divided by "time" so for example, it takes him about 1 hour each week to do yard stuff, and it takes me about 1 hour each week to sweep & clean the wood floors. So these are our weekly chores.
For daily chores, I unload the dishwasher or drainboard & he takes out the trash in the whole house (bathroom trash cans & kitchen)
I also deep clean the kitchen each week & he cleans the pool.
The rest of the house: bathrooms, kitchen floor, dusting, vacuum rooms, are traded off every 2 weeks.
I do all the cooking, my DH can barely boil water (thanks, MIL). So that's how it usually breaks out, I cook, he cleans, but its not really a household 'policy'. If he's working late in his home office, or busy I might just clean up. But usually not :)
Not all the time. I usually end up cooking and then we both do the dishes. Sometimes if I'm really tired, he'll just do them himself. But I usually end up helping even though I don't have to.
We don't have set rules, we just do what needs to be done, regardless of who cooks/cleans. We both work full time jobs, and I have 2 part time jobs also, so if I have to run to my next job, FI will have dinner waiting for me, and same with if he needs to go out after work, etc.
We do have that rule, but with a little twist: I cook every night and he reads aloud (we read a ton of books this way, and its really fun!). My dad taught me to clean while I cook, so I almost always get all the dishes done while cooking, except the pans I’m using (and sometimes I get those done when I plate everything up), and obviously the dishes we use to eat. Dishes generally take him less than 10 minutes, and sometimes I help too if I didn’t get the majority of them done while cooking.
Other chores – we team-clean the house every Sunday. I do: floors – sweeping, vacuum and swiffering and dusting. He does the bathrooms – we split the kitchen.
He takes out the trash, I take out the recycling on trash day.
He generally cleans the litterbox, but we each make sure its cleaned every day.
We have a very involved system where one person does kitchen and vaccuming each week and the other does the bathroom and dusting. We both do laundry, recycling and daily dishes. He takes out the trash. I do weird deep cleaning (washing windows, etc.). It works for us.
I somehow always clean... when he cooks, I usually try to clean the dishes - but he sometimes does it. It's not a hard and fast rule... so we don't have set chores - it's usually the person who either has more time or is more bothered by the mess. He's a better cook and I'm a better dishwasher - so it just works out.
I don't like doing dishes - but I like the way they come out when I do them ;) so I've embraced that chore. Plus, when he's cooking and I'm washing up - the whole process is so much quicker than if I was by myself cooking/cleaning.
If either of us get annoyed at something - we'll mention it to the other person. If there's a chore that I want DH to do and he's not doing - I'll ask him to do it and he usually will.
Usually if I find myself getting annoyed at him, I also realize that I'm not taking into consideration all the little things that he does do (take out the trash, maintain the cars, vacuum, etc.)
It sounds like you are overwhelmed by the amount of chores on your plate and/or feel that he may not be doing enough?? Is there something he could either help you with and/or do from time to time that would make you feel better about it? (or does it all boil down to dishes?)
I don't work, so it makes sense that I pick up the slack around the house. I cook and clean. I don't mind it though. A lot of times he'll help me with the dishes, but it doesn't matter to me either way. It takes no more than 5 minutes b/c I'm always doing it as I'm cooking.
We tried this policy but it did not work for us because even if I was cooking DH would put off the cleaning for so long and we would end up getting into a fight about it because I would want it done before going to bed! We just recently (right after we got married basically) started doing it a different way. We divided up the chores by sections of the house.
I have the first floor - kitchen, dining room, living room - this means doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, keeping things organized
DH has the bedroom and guest bedroom and the basement - this means he vacuums, straightens up and does ALL the laundry - and he cleans the cat litter
Then we switch off who takes out the trash and cleans the bathrooms. This system has worked a lot better for us and I actually dont mind doing the dishes now because I dont have to do laundry or clean cat litter!!!
We use the I cook he cleans method but also because if he was cooking dinner we would be having big tasty bowls of cereal!! My FI is in school now and I work full time so on Mondays and Fridays when he is home he does most of the main cleaning like sweeping, dusting, taking out the trash. He likes to do it though and I do the major deep clean on the bathroom but if for some reason he does not get around to something I do not mind to help out either.
Thanks for all the replies - it's seriously really helpful to see how other people handle this stuff.
Also, I've noticed that, um... not to be gross, but you guys all do WAY more than we do. We live in a very small apartment, so there's no yard or anything to maintain, and we have a cleaning lady come in every three weeks, so unless someone is coming over, all deep-cleaning waits until then.
@oracle: "It sounds like you are overwhelmed by the amount of chores on your plate and/or feel that he may not be doing enough?? Is there something he could either help you with and/or do from time to time that would make you feel better about it? (or does it all boil down to dishes?)"
It mostly boils down to dishes because we just don't do most of the other chores. We do laundry together (he often flips it while I'm making dinner) though I do most of the work putting it away. I do all the grocery and toiletries shopping, which can't be changed because we live in an area where you need a car and he doesn't drive. I do all the car maintenance because it's my car.
He keeps claiming he does a lot, and that he feels overwhelmed by schoolwork and it's really stressful that I ask him to do more. But I feel like everything is either split or I do it all. I do feel like I'd feel better about the dishes if he just took care of the laundry, or made sure the garbage went out every night.
we don't have set rules we just do what needs to be done and switch off based on who has the time. When he gets home first, he'll cook, when I get home first, I'll cook. He does the dishes most of the time, (I HATE dishes), but then i'll clean up the rest of the kitchen and unload the drying rack.
We just try to be considerate of the other person and try to work together to keep our house clean and tidy. The only "rule" we have is that he takes out the trash and I clean out the litter box.
@Entangled: My FI does not drive either and sometimes that will drive me crazy!!!
Our arrangement is he pays most of the bills, so I do most of the housework. It works fine for us.
I work from home, more or less, not on a set schedule, so I have the lion's share of chores. He takes out the trash and cleans the litterboxes (the latter because he has next to no sense of smell.) I cook, do the dishes, clean the bathrooms, sweep and mop, vaccuum (though if/whenever I ask, he pitches in.) We've agreed that if I start working outside the home and when we have kids, we'll do equal amounts of housework.
I would love if we had this policy but DH won't agree to it. Even though I do all the cooking, I probably do 80% of the dishes as well. I don't love it, but since I started working from home I have a lot more time and tend to do almost all of the housework myself.
My husband cooks and then does most of the dishes. He cleans as he cooks though. I'll help with the dishwasher and I usually help out with the prepwork.
As far as housecleaning, I clean the bathroom, dust, and pick up my own clutter, he does most of the vacuuming. We both do laundry.
When things are normal at work and we're keeping the same hours, we have this policy. I'm usually in charge as far as I plan the menus and assign us both errands to run and we take turns cooking and cleaning. Although as time goes by, DH is getting a lot more proactive and taking more ownership in thinking about what errands need to be completed and what we should make for dinner. Right now is an exception since he's been staying at work really late, so I've been picking up more work at home to compensate. He rarely cooks during his busy time since he doesn't get home until 8 or 9 and I do as much cleaning as possible so he isn't overwhelmed.
We also clean together every weekend, he always does the floors/garbage/surfaces and I do the bathrooms and kitchen.
I guess we are crazy - but I do pretty much everything around the house. I went to culinary school, so cooking isn't really a chore for me - and I am a clean freak by nature, so I'm always cleaning.
A lot of it comes from the fact that FI works out of state 6 months a year, so I am used to cleaning/cooking etc. by myself.
I do both. I cook because I LOVE to cook and plan meals, plus I do it faster and with alot less mess. I also usually do the dishes,though he clears the table and rinses things. It ended up this way because he really truly hates to do dishes, and I don't mind, plus I also do those alot faster. The trade off is I do NOT do laundry. I hate it. I hate folding. I will lie whine and cajole until I get out of it. So now, he does that, and the kitchen is all mine, just the way like it.
We don't have a hard and fast rule about this, it just tends to be the way it works out. When I was a teenager, my Mom started my brother and I cook and the rule was that the other would clean. This lead to a series of accusations about intentionally using more dishes than the occasion called for, so the rule was changed to the person cooks also cleans. This lead to a series of creative one pot/pan meals.
@bohemianbailie: Oh, man, I know!!! My fiance has his driver's license, but has barely driven in like ten years. It's kind of a sensitive topic, and it was a total non-issue when we lived in Manhattan, but now it is a SERIOUS pain in my butt.
Argh, that's another reason this chore stuff gets so stressful. I feel over-burdened because I need to handle all the errands, and he feels trapped because he can't get anywhere without my help.
LOL @MissHelen - this reminds me of me and my sister growing up. We had to wash dishes every night together. One would wash, one would rinse and dry.
My sister was NOTORIOUS for escaping to the bathroom for 15-20 minutes at a time. She knew I had things to do, so eventually I'd give in and just do both. Damn her. LOL.
@MissHelen: Hahha, my brother and I also had the one cooks, one clean meal and it was the same situation as with my fiance. Both my brother and I like cooking and hate cleaning, so whoever got stuck cleaning was always really annoyed.
Clearly the solution is to just find some people who hate cooking but don't mind the dishes!
No. He does all the cooking, and we both clean. He only works a 5-6 hour workday, so he gets home much earlier than I do and has more time to do things around the house. And we'd both rather eat his cooking. LOL
for a while i envisioned me cooking and him cleaning, but it's turned into me cooking and me cleaning. i clean while i cook due to limited kitchen space, and i actually enjoy washing dishes. once in a while i flare up and demand that he do them, but i generally do them. i know it sounds so anti-feminist, but i honestly like doing dishes. it's a discrete task that i can actually accomplish, as opposed to the other tasks on my list. 
oh, i should also note that he's been working 14-16 hour days, so that's another reason i don't mind cleaning as well.
Our unspoken "rule" is whoever cooks also cleans up. Why? Because I clean as I go when I cook. My makes a terrible mess and then there's a ton to clean after he's done cooking.
In practice, however, he does all the cooking and the cleaning. He just likes to cook and I don't. I do the laundry and pay the bills...he really does everything else.
@Entangled: One of my BMs has this with her husband. She hates dishes and he doesn't mind, so dishes are HIS chore. She doesn't really ask him to do anything else, but he must do the dishes.
@Entangled: That's our policy, but it's a little unfair to the person cleaning the dishes, since we don't have a dish washing machine (like 95% of the apartments in Boston). The dishes take freaking forever!
@Entangled: My FI is from a small town in Sweden so he never had the need to drive and so now that we are in Sothern California it would be great if he could but the cost of driving classes and non resident insurance and the fact we only have one car does not weigh out the advantage of him driving. He does have a bus pass that he uses for school and he can walk to get lunch. Beyond that he does rely on me for major errands or if he wants to go somewhere like gamestop which usually I do not want to go or he will want to go to places that are really far apart and does not see why it bothers me since he has never driven. Our goal is to move somewhere were having only one car is ok and he can ride his bike everywhere he would want to go.
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