Post # 1
I got an email from one of my best friends today telling me that she couldn’t be a bridesmaid or come to the wedding anymore. She has a legitmately good reason- she got an AWESOME grant to do water quality research in China and won’t be back til a week after the wedding, so I’m not mad or upset about that. I am SO proud of her for getting this because it’s super competitive and will look AWESOME on her resume for her phd application (she’s getting her masters now).
I’m absolutely devastated, though, that she sent me an email about it instead of calling me, and instead of telling me how happy she is for me and how excited she is that I’m getting married, talks about how great her grant is. She doesn’t say anything more than “oh yeah I won’t be able to be a bridesmaid”… I realize that in theory my wedding doesn’t matter as much to anyone as it does to me (not actually true cause I only care about getting married, not the wedding- if it were up to me I wouldn’t have it) but it still stung more than a little bit…
I’m still trying to figure out how to respond, because I want to convery both how proud of her I am, but still express how hurt I am that she didn’t call. Help?
Post # 3
I completely get how you understand your excitement her but sadness that she didn’t take the time to call.
Maybe she was scared to tell you and an email was easier? I would call her! or email her and try to set up a “phone date” as my friends and I call them 🙂
good luck and I’m sorry but I bet you two will work it out and it will end in understanding and hugs!!
Post # 4
I would just give her a call if its too hard to say stuff in an email and say congrats! and maybe the natural progression would be her talking about being sorry for not being in the wedding party as you chat away!
Emails can be very unpersonal sometimes.
Post # 5
Aw sorry to hear that KM, at least she has a great opportunity and let you know as soon as she could. I agree with Sulli tho she could have called. I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man back out via text but I am sure backing out is pretty hard to do and she just thought that would be the easiest way.
Post # 6
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
Aw man, I’m so sorry! That’s kind of sad that she didn’t call you – I agree with ccrane that maybe you should just give her a call – it can be easier to talk about that stuff over the phone sometimes.
Post # 7
From what you stated, it would seem that she is very excited about her grant and that she did start off the email by letting you know that she wasn’t going to be able to be your bridesmaid and then proceeded to tell you why.
Maybe she couldn’t call you because she had some other things going on at the same time and/or she had to let other people know too. Maybe she will call you later.
Post # 8
Just imagine from her perspective. Right now all she can see is her opportunity which is all that is really important right now (to her). Like you, you’re probably focused on the wedding. Sometimes it is difficult to see outside of that. Perhaps she was just caught up in her excitement to realize proper etiquette? I know it must have sucked to read, but let it go and understand it was just something silly that tweaked you. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand, but in the grand scheme of things its nothing she did intentionally.
Plus, electronic notifications are the main thing for many people. I’m like, what? pick up the phone and talk? Lol… maybe e-mails/messages are her main mode?
Just give her a call and forget about the email. 🙂
Post # 9
I’d probably go the route of not calling her because, well, honestly it’s hard for me to stay happy and sad in the same convo. If I had to write your email, I’d write it like this:
Dear Former Bridesmaid or Best Man (use her name obviously!),
Wow, great to hear that you got that grant! I’m happy for you and it sounds like a really great opportunity for you! I hope we can get together and celebrate sometime soon over a glass of wine.
I really wish you had called me to tell me though! You know I would have been so excited for you and it would have been nice for me to know about the bridesmaid thing right away too, I almost missed that line in the email. I’m sure you will do great in China, but I am going to miss you so much at the wedding!
And the reason I’d write it like that is because, you know, give her the benefit of the doubt… I bet she was just excited and didn’t think about how it would hurt you for her to put it like that. Its just like a nudge telling her “uh, don’t do it again to someone else, you know?” Haha 🙂 Good luck!!
Post # 10
One of my oldest, bestest friends had to email me 2 months before my wedding to tell me that her sister had just decided to get married on the same day. Not only did that mean she wouldn’t be able to share the day with me, but I had to look for a new hair and makeup artist, because she was going to do that for me. She said upfront she had to email rather than call, bc if she called me she would have cried. I understood that reasoning, I think sometimes it’s easier to do these things by email (or, we think it will be and we’re too scared to call). She might have wanted you to have time to digest the news before speaking. Or there might be other reasons, like others have said. I can understand feeling hurt especially as her email didn’t make it sound like she was that upset about missing the wedding. But if you are such good friends I’m sure that’s not the case – she was just caught up in the moment, and wanted to make sure you knew what a great opportunity it was, and she’s not giving up your wedding for a silly reason. Which you would have known anyway, but maybe she wanted to be sure. When you talk to her on the phone I’m sure you’ll feel better.
Post # 11
Maybe it hurt her too, and telling you that in real life or on the phone is much harder. She may have been afraid she would change her mind re: awesome research opportunity. Just give her some time :o)
Post # 12
So this is the email that I sent my bridesmaid that bailed:
Yay yay yay! I am so, so proud of you! I know this is a HUGE deal and I am so proud of you for getting it! I’m sure it is going to be so, so cool and you best bring me back something… Chinese-y. 1 of 30 is a big deal! That’s great! I obviously can’t begrudge you that at ALL unless I were the worst friend on the planet! I’m super excited for you and it’s going to look AMAZING on your resume! I’m not mad at all, but I’m a little hurt you told me in an email. I love you, you’re one of my best friends and I’m so excited for you… but it made me sad you felt like you had to email me your news instead of calling me!
I feel like I don’t get to talk to you much anymore with both of us being so stupid busy, can we have a phone date soon? What did the doctor say/ figure out? We went to three cake tastings this morning and I never want to see another piece of cake as long as I live. We found out yesterday that Mr. KM got into [big Ivy League school], so that’s super exciting. Big week all around!
Call me tomorrow? I’m done with work at… 3, I think, so any time after then. Or Sunday before 6 PM. I really want to catch up! Love you!
Post # 13
I think that’s a great way to handle it. 🙂
You could ask her to bring you back some pearls, if you’re a pearl kinda girl. They’re cheap here. 🙂
Post # 14
Great handling of the situation KMSull! And I concur great pearls there at amazing prices :o) a family friend who goes to China often bought the pearls I’m wearing for our wedding.
Post # 15
@Kmsull I think your email was perfect. I would have been pretty hurt if someone told me that through email also. I hope that you are able to set up a phone date wtih her soon just to catch up. Way to handle a potentially sticky situation 🙂
Post # 16
i agree with @laboroflove