Post # 1
So let me start off by saying that this is kind of long and I feel like a total bridezilla for even feeling this way but one of my bridesmaids is driving me nuts! She is older and divorced and got to have her “dream wedding” the first time around so I dont know exactly why she seems to be reliving the dream this time only through me. She is in a different relationship now that hasnt been the most successful so I do feel sympathy for her situation. She has been wanting to get married but because her relationship is so off again/on again she has so far refused his proposals. When my fiance and I got engaged she was really excited for us and insisted on throwing us an engagement party contrary to my objections. She kept talking about it and sharing her plans but months passed and she never got around to throwing the party she insisted on throwing. We have now been engaged over a year and still no party… I didnt want the party in the first place but feel kind of bad that she insisted so much on throwing it but then it wasnt important enough for her to follow through on. Also she is insisting on throwing my bachelorette party but isnt listening to what I am saying I want to do and is planning something completely different. Given how the engagement party went though I am not sure she will follow through with it. When we started planning the wedding she started being really fussy about everything I chose. She kept talking about how she wanted her wedding to be. Whenever we went shopping she would take over the entire experience- sometimes even insisting on looking at bridal dresses for herself. When I took her dress shopping with me she put down my simple taste and told me all of the dresses I was choosing werent “special” enough. When I took her and the other maids dress shopping she ended up trying on over 60 dresses and didnt like anything except for the dresses that included something I had said I didnt really want like a halter top or pick up skirts. Everything she chose began to look suspiciously like a wedding dress in a different color. I hired a make up and hair artist to come in on the day and do the services that they wanted. When she found out I was getting false lashes and airbrush make up she wanted them too. When she found out I was having a hair and make up trial she wanted one too. When she came with to try cake she put down the one I loved and said she could make better. The wedding has also prompted her to drag her boyfriend on endless ring shopping trips at the end of which she insists she isnt ready to be engaged. I really dont mean to be insensitive or bridzilla-ish but her drama and her attempting to live vicariously though me is stressing me out. She is a really nice person and dating a close family member so I am trying really hard to be understanding and not cause drama myself but when I am as stressed out as I am already about all of the planning her added drama is making things rough for me. Plus, and although this is hard to admit *gulp*, I kind of want this to be my special day- I dont want someone constantly trying to out do me or push her prefrences on my wedding. Just need some sypathetic ears and possibly some kind advice on how to handle the situation. Thanks for the help Bees!
Post # 3
I think your friend is just so obsessed with getting married herself that she’s having a hard time remembering it’s your day; I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose, from what you have said. Is she your MOH? If not, maybe your MOH (or another BM if she is) could nonchalantly say something the next time she starts making it all about herself, like “Oh, that is a pretty dress, but it almost looks like her gown and we all know how awful that would be!”
You might want to stop bringing her with to stuff like cake testings, etc. It would be easy enough to make excuses like you are just bringing your mom with this time, or you and your fiance want to handle that.
If it gets worse, you can talk with her, but I think you can find some more discrete ways to bring it to her attention without explicitly having to tell her. This will save her embarrassment or anger and you from an awkward conversation! Good luck!
Post # 4
Oh, that does sound difficult.
It’s okay to feel that you want it to be your special day.
Maybe you could let her know how you’ve been feeling, but prepare your words beforehand so that it comes across gently? Maybe the other bridesmaids could help you out with that, as they’ve also seen her behaviour and how it affects you.
Post # 5
I am not sure how close you are to this friend, but I would just start leaving her out of the decision making process altogether. It’s hard enough to plan a wedding without someone constantly whispering critical comments in your ear and making you feel insecure about everything you want for yourself. I am amazed you have kept your cool throughout all this – I am not sure I could have. One of my BMs was going on a similar trajectory, making herself out to be an expert because she had been a BM for one of her other friends before, and constantly saying stuff like ‘At my wedding, i would do this and this’ (she currently hasn’t got a BF) and ‘So and So did this and this’. We spent a weekend planning, and after that I was glad to go home and just have peace for a change. I don’t think I will be asking her to help out anymore now, and reckon that will be the healthiest for our friendship (which I value greatly).
Just stay true to yourself and let her know you have your own wedding all covered, that your style is what’s important here and that she can have another go at organising a wedding when it is her turn. This does not have to be done in one great dramatic scene, but could just be subtle like not telling her about impending appointments, gently steering the convo away from the wedding when you see each other (‘you know what, I am all wedding-planned-out, let’s talk about this and this instead’) or making excuses like ‘FI really wants to be involved/in charge of this’.
Post # 6
Wow you guys give some great down to earth advice! Thanks!
Post # 7
Three words: “Smile and nod”. Every time this woman does something annoying, ask yourself, “Is this going to affect my wedding/marriage?” If she wants to try on dresses, let her knock herself out! Just don’t stop your own try-ons to give her feedback. If she wants last extensions and is willing to pay for them, fine. Lash etensions certainly won’t enable her to outshine you, the beautiful bride!
For anything that will affect your wedding, lean on your MOH. Perhaphs she can “help” with the bachelorette planning to make sure that the party actually happens. Also, she can definitely take the lead when it comes to dress choices!! Perhaps you could have her choose a basic shape or color range based (ostensibly) on what will work best for everyone. Then the maid you speak of can choose from within that range.
Good luck, and remember how good you will feel knowing that you had your special day AND were kind to someone dealing with her own issues.