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She's probably projecting her own issues onto you... it has more to say about her life experience than her as a friend.
And that's me putting the best possible spin on it. :-)
((((HUGS))))
Sorry your friend is acting like that. That's very rude. I wish people would say nothing if they can't think of anything nice to say.
You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, KM!
But if you want her to shut it, I'd go buy a cheapie ring from Walmart and text a pic to her, then ask all the questions you need from her. Haha. :)
Seriously, if it counts for anything I believe you will be engaged, and I understand--FI and I live a few hours away from my parents, so he had to sneak to my house to ask them and hurry home for dinner... what a drive! Plus we started planning first, anyways. It's a good way to get a feel for what you like!
Won't the "I told you so" be so fun!
Try not to be sad. I don't think she meant it to be mean but she was being insensitive with your feelings.
The Walmart ring idea would be funny.
KMSull, I'm so sorry. Try to think of it as a problem of different definitions which is what I think it is. I mean, she's being an idiot because she should know you well enough to know what is going on but still. See, to me and my definitions, you are engaged to your fiance but are planning a romantic thing where he asks for your hand after talking to your family. I'm someone who does not get 'agreed upon' proposals or expected proposals (I know I know I'm so in the minority). If a person doesn't understand 'expected proposals' and someone tells them there has been no proposal than that person will think/assume that the FH has not yet made it clear whether or not he wants to marry his gf when frequently that's not the case at all. In real life of course I'd call your status whatever you wanted 'pre engagement' and keep my opinions to myself but if I didn't know some of the details and you told me you weren't engaged I'd interpret it that you really weren't engaged (by my definitions) as in you had not come to an agreement on getting married and so I might be sceptical too (though I would never be as rude as your friend). Not sure if that made sense or helped but I hope so. I really do suspect the issue is that by her definitions you're engaged but you're telling her you aren't yet so she thinks you aren't. *hugs*
Ditto Mr. Bee, do you think she's just jealous that you are moving on to the next stage in your life? Remember I have a friend like this (we chatted about it the other night). Definitely don't let it get you down, there's always me to keep ya up and um in a few weeks he's asking permission and in like less than 60 days this will be a distant memory because you'll be getting married!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KM, Nick & I did everything backwards as well. We planned. We shopped for rings. We talked & talked about it for about 6 months before it happened. At times I was saddened because it felt like we were missing out on the surprise & romance you hear about-- but the thing is that's life! Not everything can be a fairytale romance. You have a move ahead of you & you are planning your future with him! You can't just pull all of that off on a whim!
Seriously, she is being a little insensitive. It's one thing to think that & another to say it.
I also will agree with Mr. Bee & try to put a positive spin on it :) If you've been lifelong friends, perhaps she's just protecting you & doesn't want to feed into the hype until it happens? The Christmas after Nick and I went ring shopping my cousin text messaged me every day asking if it had happened. THAT just fueled my fire & got me annoyed that he hadn't done it! lol :)
((hugs))
Argh, I have a friend who behaves almost exactly the same way. Just because R is still saving up for the ring, and wants to do a traditional proposal in addition to the one we already had in a moment together, my friend thinks it's weird to plan. She always says, "but don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself?"
It's frustrating, but I don't think there's much you can do except grit your teeth and smile.
It sounds like she is just jealous. Maybe let it cool down for a couple of days and then email her and let her know that she hurt you. If she doesn't apologize, then maybe she's just one of those people who has problems being happy for anyone else.
you shouldn't need to explain yourself - she should just be supporting you! i have a friend like this too, i'm sure we all do, and while it can be a pain, the remedy (though sadly) has been that i just don't talk to her about this stuff - we just talk about all the other stuff going on
i honestly feel like this is where weddingbee really comes in - here is a community of virtual strangers who are excited for and with you! this is where you can come to talk about everything!! good luck with your planning and looking forward to hearing more :)
maybe shes slightly superstiscous (sp)? its like ladies that tell me that they are pregnant - if youre not 12 weeks then i do. not. want. to. know. about. it. so come back after the 1st trimester and then i will be thrilled and crazy to talk about it
or maybe shes a visual person that needs everything in order, ring, plans, wedding and once you have the ring she will kick into the right gear
hopefully you wont get too upset over this ((hugs))
I agree with those who have said it's probably her issue more than anything to do with yours. It reminds me of the many sisters on "Say Yes to the Dress" that hate every single dress and resent every minute of the time at the store. Give her time and she may be ready to be happy for you. Sometimes we get too tangled up in our own heads to be happy for anyone else. I know after my late husband passed, I couldn't muster happiness for anyone else. Thank goodness time heals.
poor girl! I am sure she may not being trying to be insensitive....perhaps she is saying it so that incase it doesn't happen she feels you willl be prepared. But, if it has been discussed endlessly and there is an agreement between you and your SO she should be supportive in your plans
I'm so sorry she doesn't believe you! You will show her when you do get married!
Aw I'm sorry. That is really hard. At least you know how excited the hive is for your upcoming engagement! Yippee... almost here!
My response to her would be: "I know that you may not take this as seriously as i do but we need to make these plans so your input is appreciated. Just don't be upset if it doesn't accommodate your plans if you decide not to help" BAH!
:) Thanks girls (and Mr. Bee!)... I text messaged Mr. KM when she told me, and his response was a tersely worded, "grrrr... she'll believe it all right"... ha! You guys are the best and thanks for letting me vent!
I would just not talk to her about it anymore until it happens...she clearly is not being supportive and she is making you feel angry/hurt...so just avoid the issue with her until you are engaged...and you can give her the "I told you so" smile without even saying anything!
Not cool.
But she will feel silly when yooure walking down the aisle!!
i told a friend, that i had known since she was born, that i was going to get engaged to my FI and her reply was "thats never going to happen." Well my wedding is July 3rd and guess who didn't make it on to my bridesmaid list?
Look Km.. let her be a donna downey.. When your back here in ATL and you have that beautiful ring on your finger.. She will be the one feeling down and upset. Dont let her ruin this very very exciting time for you!! Besides, you always have us here in ATL rooting for you!
I believe you KM, is that August of 2010???? could it be possible that we will be date twins???
Sunshine, don't let her rain on your parade! The heck with her - we're all here to cheer you on whenever you need it!
that is a bummer about your friend, try not to take it personally - the bees are right, she's prob got her own stuff goin on ... as a girl with a non-traditional engagement story, I gotta ask: aren't you already engaged if you've got a date and are planning stuff? Does the engagement "happen" when you get the ring? I'm just asking cuz it would be easy to tell the naysayers that you're engaged but just waiting for the ring.
MyraG- we probably will be, actually! That's the date we started talking about YESTERDAY!!! So crazy!
I'm still kinda moping around about this... it's making me really quite annoyed, seeing that I pride myself on being the most honest person I know (I'm a TERRIBLE liar- it's so obvious when I try to tell even a white lie) and she doesn't... believe me? Granted, she lives 400 miles away, I see her maybe 2x a year and she's only met Mr. KM once but... she doesn't know our relationship, having never seen it in action. Don't I deserve the benefit of the doubt? Ugh.
Aww, I'm sorry KM :( That does really suck.
BUT, I'll play devil's advocate and see if you can just forgive and forget with this and move on. Some people just have a really hard time understanding the more modern way couples start to plan their weddings, which often includes starting to plan now, and getting the ring later. I'm wondering if she doesn't really know she's hurting your feelings and just making jokes about how you don't have a ring yet because she thinks the ring should come first.
We have friends who did it this way. They set a date last fall and the bride JUST got her ring this month. People in the family were talking and saying how their engagement wasn't really official because she didn't have a ring, and they wondered if it was ever coming. Well, it did, and those family members ate their words. But, they just didn't understand, that's all. The couple didn't let it bother them and they just stopped talking about it with certain people until the ring was on the finger!
Hopefully your friend will start to understand and support you during this exciting time.
what a bummer. i had a friend tell me she thought i was putting the cart before the horse when she found out i was starting to collect ideas of our wedding but after digging down into the trenches, she was just projecting her fears onto me. i would just leave her out of future discussions until everything's set in place
keep this in mind- if she isn't supportive now do you want her to be a bm? my oldest friend has been so disappointing as a bm, I wish I hadn’t asked her. What makes me really mad is I knew she was flaky and selfish, but I asked her anyway because we have been friends since kindergarten, and now I wish I hadn’t.
Do you really want this girl to stand up with you?
*hugs* I had someone do this exact same thing with me. And I chose, in the end, to not ask to her stand up with me and be part of my bridal party and when we "finally" did get engaged she dropped off of my friend radar (not for the lack of me trying I hasten to add - she's a good girl). I agree with Mr Bee, it sounds like she's projecting some issues onto you. Is she waiting to be proposed to as well?
I believe you! I agree with Mr. Bee, she's probably just jealous. A friend should trust you and definitely give you the benefit of the doubt. But I wouldn't worry about it, next month when you have that big rock on your hand, she'll know it's true!
If it makes you feel any better, when I first got engaged, a friend of mine told me that because my wedding was so far away (at the time it was 15 months away) that I needed to "slow down on my wedding planning" because if I did it all now, I was going to "burn out all of my excitement." Which is strange, because she's getting married a month before me and she's almost planned her entire wedding? People are just strange sometimes lol.
I'm sorry you feel that way. We were like you though, totally planning and everything before we were engaged. People don't know how to react to that. They are excited for you, and skeptical. Things could happen in the next month ya know? When it really happens, I'm sure she will be super happy for you and onboard, but until then, I'd let it go. Her personality is different than yours and you need to understand that. She must like things more concrete. Many people were like that with us, so try not to take it so personal.
I believe you, too! Maybe your friend needs some time to digest and adjust to the wonderful news.
I had a friend like that and I had to check her real quick! After that, I watched what I told her because I only wanted to hear from people that were genuinly happy for my happiness. I ended up asking her to be a bridesmaid and now I am seriously regretting it.
Aww! That really stinks!! Just wait until you are engaged though! :)
I agree with MrBee. It sounds like her own issues are what are being expressed here, not how much she loves you or believes in your relationship with your BF. Don't let it get you down!
Thanks you guys! She's never been in a real relationship, so needless to say, she's having a hard time with me being the first one to get married. It's still hard, but I'm sure we'll work through it. I'm hoping so, anyway, cause I always figured she'd be one of my bridesmaids.
@KMSull -I totally agree that some people who haven't been in significant relationships get sort of snarky when you find someone you love and are planning your engagement. I think it's only sensible to talk about the ring you want and discuss getting engaged before you do - it's all about planning these days! And especially when you know what you want and have a considerate BF/FFI who likes to plan these things out with you.
I mean, it sounds like you're alredy engaged!
And just wanted to let you know that I looked up in Emily Post's Etiquette Sixteenth Edition (1997) that a ring is *not* necessary for an engagement
"An engagement ring is not essential to the validity of the bethrothal. Some people confuse the engagement ring with the wedding ring and believe the former is as indispensable as the latter. This is not the case. The wedding ring is a requirement of the marriage service. The engagement ring is simply evidence that the couple definitely plan to marry. Countless wives have never had an engagement ring at all. Others receive their rings long after marriage, when their husbands are able to buy the they have always wanted them to have..."
Just keep on being the happy and kind person you are and your friend will see how wrong she is when the time comes for you to be engaged. And then your differences will be settled and you two will be back to being friends!
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ALRIGHT, before I get angry, I'm going to get a little sad. One of my friends apparently doesn't believe me when I say that we're getting engaged in Feb. She doesn't believe me when I ask her when in August she can take off school because we're getting MARRIED. She doesn't believe me... fill in the blank. She has a "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude, she said so herself when I asked her if that's how she felt, and that really, really hurts.
Sure, we're doing things totally @$$ backwards, planning everything before we're engaged. Whatever, I can see where that's odd. But when the only thing keeping us from not being engaged is that he hasn't talked to my mom and dad, who is 400 MILES AWAY... it just hurts. It just... hurts. And I can't even cry about it because I'm at work. And I don't know what to do. Because she's been one of my friends since 2nd grade. She's supposed to be one of my bridesmaids. And... she can't even be happy? She has to be... disinterested and even skeptical.