Post # 1
One of the guys in our wedding party, let’s call him “Vnce” is a total jerk. He has been friends with my fiance for many years, and because my fiance is such a patient, understanding and kind person he has stood by Vince throughout his selfishness and idiocy. Vince is married and has a daughter. He is miserable in his marriage because the pregnancy was originally unplanned, he had broken up with the girl, yet was onlly forced by her parents to marry the girl.
He has been married for two years and has been resentful and hateful towards the girl throughout this marriage. I can understand why he is so resentful, yet what bothers me is the fact that he always mocks me and my fiance’s decision to get married. He says things like “marriage is for suckers”… “there’s a 50 percent divorce rate”… “you guys are wasting your money on this wedding”… etc.
My fiance and I have asked him repeatedly to keep his damn comments to himself. If he is going to be in our wedding party, he has to try to show some support and if he can’t do that, then just please don’t say anything at all.
Yet, he continues to bash us and his other friends who gets engaged. One of their other friends already dropped “Vince” from his wedding party, because of Vince’s poor attitude. I want to do the same. I told my fiance that I don’t want this guy to stand up with us on our most special day if he doesn’t even believe in marriage. His presence will be just all bullsh*t on that day.
My fiance refuses to kick “Vince” out of our wedding party. He says that “Vince” has been there for him through thick and thin, and now that he was going through a rough patch, it’s his turn to be there for “Vince.” This really pisses me off because I don’t want this guy in our wedding party! It is an honor to be asked to be a groomsman, and he is not taking that honor seriously. I don’t know what to do. I feel like confronting Vince on my own and kicking him out myself, but I don’t want to upset my fiance.
Please tell me your opinions?
Post # 3
I’d be pissed if i were you, too, but at the end of the day, he’s your FI’s friend and you can’t dictate who his friends and whos’ in the wedding party. You’ve already expressed how you feel about it and your FI put his foot down. You may not like him but i don’t think it’s really your place to kick HIS groomsman out. It’ll cause more problems unless your FI decides on his own accord it is the right thing to do.
Post # 4
Why can’t I kick him out? He’s being a sh*t disturber (sorry for my language)… but it’s my wedding too, right? Shouldn’t I have a say in who’s in the wedding party? I’m just at the end of my rope with this guy.
Post # 5
I agree with you AmberEyes – I’d want to kick him out. Your FI says he’s supported him through “thick and thin” yet he’s giving you a hard time about getting married. That doesn’t seem like he’s supporting you guys at all, and this is a wonderful, happy occasion. See if you can bring it up to your FI like that, that Vince isn’t really being supportive at this point. I think you have a say who’s in the wedding party, even if it’s a groomsman. Just because it’s on the male side doesn’t mean you don’t get a voice.
Post # 6
I hear what you’re saying, but if your FI says no, you can’t just do it anyways and expect your FI to stand up for you.
You should have a say in your wedding party, but your FI should have one, too, and if he isn’t going to budge, I don’t really see what you can do about it! Tell Vince he can’t come anyways? Do you really think that’ll fix it? Cuz I think this Vince character would show up to everything anyways and then your FI would just saying ‘yeah my FI wants you out, i don’t agree’ so really, you’re NOT on the same page. It’s better if you have a united front.
Talk to your FI about WHY this guy is making you mad. Then have your FI go talk to Vince and tell him to back off or there will be more problems to come. Maybe he will curb his attitude if he’s sat down like a little boy and told what’s going to happen if he doesn’t shape up.
Post # 7
Hmm, I guess I have a very non-traditional perspective on wedding parties. Honestly, I think it should be both people’s decision on each side who’s in the party. Ultimately, yeah, it’s the groom’s decision who he picks, but I think that if the other has a serious problem with someone, it should be discussed and looked at together. Afterall, each wedding party member is supporting the marriage, not just one person.
My FI chose a groomsman that he had been friends with since childhood. They have grown apart over the years, but my FI and this person had a lot of history, and therefore, wanted him to stand up for him on his wedding day. We both agreed and he happily accepted. Things got really weird after that. He started planning his own wedding as well (wasn’t engaged when we asked him, not that it made a difference, of course), and for him, it became this weird competition. He started spreading really awful rumors about us and our wedding, and eventually, just went off the deep end and our friendship with him became really strained. My FI had to talk to him because we BOTH decided it was out of control, and hurting our feelings, and it was mutually decided by my FI and the friend that he not be in the wedding party. If you ask the friend though, we “kicked him out” and we’re “awful, horrible people.” The friendship no longer exists, and he’s not even attending our wedding. Honestly though? It’s a relief to both of us because it was ruining our wedding planning, and we’re 100 percent certain that it was the right decision for us, and will make our wedding day better.
I would have a calm talk with your FI again and explain that it’s really hurting your feelings and putting a huge damper on your wedding plans. It really should be a joint decision, I think.
Post # 8
I also agree with ejs4y8. It can’t be just your decision. You going to talk to “Vince” on your own would just make things worse. But yeah, your FI should be taking your feelings into consideration more.
Post # 9
I’m with ejs4y8 — you can’t really kick “Vince” out without getting your guy’s OK. Yeah, you should have a say in the wedding party, but so should your fiance! If he still wants “Vince” to stand up for him, I think it would be a bad idea for you to try and go behind his back to fire “Vince.” You’ll upset your fiance, and Vince will gain new ammunition for his stupid “marriage is for suckers” rants.
See if you can get your fiance to sit Vince down, in private, and tell him that he’s really upsetting both of you, and that he’s starting to understand why your other friend ended up kicking Vince out of the wedding party. I think ejs4y8 is right — sitting him down like a little boy and giving him the “shape up or else” talk might just shame him into shutting up.
If that doesn’t work, you’re back to trying to get your fiance to agree to kick Vince out. I think other people have given you good ammunition for the argument that he shouldn’t stand up for your marriage, since he’s so anti-marriage himself. Hopefully your fiance will listen to your objections, and get fed up enough with Vince that he agrees!
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
I’m so sorry you’re upset about this groomsmen, he’s sounds pretty miserable but I think I’m with ejs on this one, if it’s someone your fiance feels really strongly about having in the wedding, then I think you should respect that and figure out a way to make things work…You’ve already stated your feelings to him, so that’s a good start…You may just have to basically try and avoid him until the wedding and let your fiance deal with him…Also, I know it’s really hard for you but clearly he is not at a good place in his life and the bulk of that unhappiness is directly related to his own marriage, so I’m sure it’s hard for him to see other people in happy relationships looking forwards to their weddings…It is definitely upsetting to have someone in the bridal party be so negative but hopefully you guys can figure out a way to keep his bad attitude from affecting you…Good luck!
Post # 11
I’d talk with your FI about this from the standpoint that you respect their friendship, but it’s inappropriate to have someone stand up at your wedding who does not support it. That would really bother me. I know guys don’t like admitting to having heart-to-hearts, but he should be able to tell Vince that even though V was pressured into a marriage he didn’t want, you two are going to be very happy and as a friend he should support that choice.
Post # 12
Honestly…I’d kick him out!! Who wants a person like that in your wedding party, I think it would make for too much DRAMA. CAn you imagine having to take professional pictures and he’s there whining about it! NO THANKS!
I know people think that it’s your fiance’s decision too and it is, but your fiance should compromise with you too!! After all he’s marry you and not his boy! So maybe he could have another job…like a person passing out programs or something!! Groomsmens and bridemaids are meant to help and relax the marrying couple not cause STRESS!!
GOOD LUCK, please let us know what happens!
Post # 13
I agree with mary alice – talk to the FI about your feelings and that you don’t think Vince should stand up since he’s not supporting the marriage. He can still support your FI, but shouldn’t be there standing up, if he won’t support the marriage.
Post # 14
Oh boy. This just doesn’t sound good and I’m so sorry you are stressing over this guy. I have to agree with ejs4y8’s advice. BUT, I also must say that the people who stand up next you at your wedding should be people who are extremely close with you and that would you consider family. If this is a ‘yes’ to your FI, than it is his decision. I would also have an issue with anyone in our wedding party who didn’t believe in the institution of marriage and constantly mocked it. The least he could do is get some tact and ‘act’ the part when discussing your wedding in front of you.
I hope you’re able to come to a conclusion that both you and your FI can live with. Keep us posted, girl. Hang in there. Chin up!
Post # 15
Thanks so much, everyone. You all brought up very valid points. Jingle96, you’re so right about Groomsmen and bridesmaids are meant to help relax the marrying couple, not cause stress! And I can totally see Vince whining about having to take pictures. He has already whined about having to spend for a tuxedo, and for the bachelor party.
I know where some of you are coming from, that kicking him out will upset my FI and that it should both be our decision, not just mine. But honestly, it’s just not right for a couple to have an unsupporting jerk to stand up with them on their wedding day.
Another thing I forgot to add is that this guy said he’ll only be a groomsman if we have open bar. All he cares about is himself, he doesn’t care about my fiance. I don’t know why my FI is so blind to this guys idiocy and actually refers to him as his “brother”… so bullsh*t!!! Sorry for my language.
Post # 16
Can you ask your FI to lay down the law with his friend? Guys actually do have heart to hearts all the time, and if one guy asks another to do something reasonable… it’s almost always done.
Btw, it sounds really really important to your FI that Vince be in his wedding party. One of the things about marriage is that you guys will end up disagreeing about many things. It quickly becomes about respecting the choices that your partner makes, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them.
Ideally your FI would also take your opinion into account – but that doesn’t sound like it’s happening here (yet). But one thing I’ve noticed: if I put a lot of pressure on my wife about something, we are less likely to find a common ground. But if I let her know how I feel and back off, things seem to have a way of working out…