Weddingbee boards

Recently, my doctor strongly advised that I terminate a pregnancy due to a couple of medical issues, and I went through with a medically induced miscarriage. This was the most horrific experience of my life, even though my pregnancy was a complete surprise.

While I know at 6 weeks, some could argue that I only had a "ball of cells" at that point, but my perspective is that it had all the genetic information it was ever going to have, and had a predetermined course of action to take if given the chance (under healthy circumstances).

Almost 6 weeks have passed since the termination. It was hard enough going through the terrible physical pain for 10 days of losing the pregnancy (I did not have a medical procedure) and knowing that I had to actively participate in the termination. It took me a while to get over knowing my husband had the easy road of waking up one day and it being over, while I actually had to COOPERATE to have everything done. I've gotten over my role in it, even though it was medically  necessary.

The next hurdle has been reliving mental images of everything during my visit with the doctor. I begged the ultrasound tech to let me see the baby on the screen, but she refused. She only printed out pictures for me, but wouldn't let me see it on the screen because she knew the doctor's orders in advance. I'm also grappling with the information that I'll never get to know, including whether it was a little boy or a little girl. What color were its eyes, did it have my curly hair? Would it have my introversion, or would it love chattering to the entire world about anything in sight? All of these things constantly invade my mind, and I'm not sure how to overcome it.

I hearken myself now to a "functioning alcoholic" in that certain alcoholics hide their drinking problem from the world. The only difference for me is I have grief to hide instead of alcoholism. Having to say goodbye to my little baby bothers me immensely, but I've been able to stuff it inside, and get through the days as they come, whereas before, it was such a chore to even drag myself out of bed. I've had a number of decent, functional days until MIL dropped the bomb.

She is having her holiday party in February because we are a hybrid of Jewish & Christians coming from all over the place. This was kind of her compromise in celebrating with everyone's busy schedules. She sent my DH an email today, announcing that his cousin (who will most assuredly be at this party) is pregnant, and due in August. I WAS DUE IN AUGUST!!! While I want badly to be happy for her, my wounds are far too fresh to put on a happy face. I couldn't prevent myself from crying when DH told me the news, and I've been doing my best to put on a tough face for him.

Not only is it a slap in the face to know she is having a baby at the same time I would have, there's going to be a constant little reminder of what my baby would have been doing anytime hers reaches a milestone. She even knows it's a boy already. I have no idea what mine was, and that's so awful for me not being able to have any idea. I can get over it in time, but I hate that of all the months and years for her to have a baby, she fills the "void" of when mine was to be born, and it's permanently a fixture in the family now. I will deal with that in time, as I said.

My ultimate goal is to reach out for support and strength. Has anyone been in a similar scenario? How did you deal with it? How did you reach down within yourself to make your happiness for another person stronger than your saddness for yourself? I am debating whether to even go to this party, but I feel rage inside that I would even stay away. It seems foolish, but at the same time, I need to get the grief out of my system. I want to deal with it, but I do not want to alienate myself from the in-laws whom I only see a handful of times out of the year because they live out of state. Help? Hugs? Advice? Please?

((hugs)) Time is really the only true answer.  You can suck it up and put on a brave face for the event, but don't beat yourself up about not being ready to embrace her pregnancy yet.  You went through an awful physical and emotional ordeal and it is completely normal and healthy for you to feel the way you do.  Take comfort in the fact that you did what your doctor advised; what was necessary for your health.  After my m/c, I kept getting emails from formula companies/parenting forums/etc telling me what my baby was doing (couldn't unsubscribe for the life of me) at various stages, and the first couple brought me to my knees.  Then, slowly, the reminders got less painful.  It might be a while before you are feeling better about the situation, and that's okay.  Is there any way that you can confide in a family member so that you have someone other than your DH to lean on at the event?  Perhaps someone who can discreetly tell the PG cousin that you experienced a loss recently so that she doesn't take it personally if you are keeping a little distance for a while? 

Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate it all. Don't worry bees, I've been in counseling for quite some time.

@inspiredcreationsbyhaley:  I'm sorry about your loss too. I understand about those crazy emails. Although I didn't subscribe to any to keep track of what was going on, it seems like any time I am able to roll with the punches, life has its way of reminding me about it, and I get frustrated. I'm just so sick and tired of feeling sad. I can't change the situation.  I'm doing what I need to do to get better health wise so I can get cleared in the event I decide to have kids in the future, but honestly I'm not even sure if I can stomach going through this again. Deep down, I am so frightened of having to repeat all of this that I've been considering staying child free if possible. How long did it take for you to really feel any kind of relief from it?

@HappierKate:  Thank you for your reassurance. I know I'll have to deal with it eventually, I guess I was wondering how socially acceptable or not would it be if I just skipped the party. I love and respect my in-laws and I want to see his parents most defnitely. I just don't know if I can tough it out and be good company this one time. My husband has told them somewhat about the incident, although they think it is a natural miscarriage. We didn't want to complicate things with unwelcomed judgement, even though our circumstance wasn't "for birth control purposes." I also dont' feel like answering a million-billion questions, especially since his mother is in the medical field. I have a doctor already. Even though someone might come up to the cousin in law and tell her about my issue, I still feel like other people will have her happy occasion be the focal point of the gathering, and I could barely hold myself together when I accidentally peeped over my husband's shoulder to see the news in his email bin. I just can't sit through hours of talking about her morning sickness, seeing her belly at this stage, chattering about names, looking at the cute little outfits people bring to her... the list goes on. I'll get over it, but this is too much right now.

@JulesSchnooks:  I got through it by force; I was pregnant again within 6 weeks.  I spent the first trimester paranoid over every twinge, was on supplements, pelvic rest, etc.  Then, I had complications with my 3rd tri and ended up on bed rest and preterm labor etc.  So by the time I had my son, my dream for "two, maybe three kids" had turned into "I'm done being pregnant forever".  People kept telling me that would change, but it really hasn't.  Three years later and I'm still as done having kids as I ever was.  I completely understand the feelings you're having about maybe not wanting to be pregnant in the future.  Once you're in a better place health-wise, that might change, and hopefully it does.  But, that doesn't mean you're barred from having children even if you decide you don't want to be pregnant; adoption is always a consideration.

In the meanwhile, the things I did during the six weeks between my pregnancies were as follows: sought support from online pregnancy loss forums.  The Nest has a really supportive one (or at least it was there), and don't be afraid to visit these sites.  Just because you had to "choose" to end your pregnancy in no way minimizes your loss.  I also found things that would memorialize the child I'd lost.  I was out pulling weeds/saplings one day in the garden and decided to let one sapling keep growing in the baby's honor.  I was able to nurture and tend to that tree long after, and having a physical thing to touch/care for was a good thing.  I also started exercising (walking/jogging), which I think was definitely a good thing.  I lost a few pounds and got some fresh air and at least felt purposeful for 30-60 minutes a few times a week.  

I hope some of this helps you, and feel free to PM me anytime you want to talk or vent or scream (in all capitals).  ((hugs))