Post # 1
Well- just a bit of background-
FI and I met last August, decided to be official last September, got engaged in June and moved in together in August. So yes- it’s been quick. But not a doubt we’re right for each other.
Our one year anniversary was the other day. A few weeks before hand I told him I had this really great idea! I thought instead of gifts, every year we could just write each other a heartfelt love note. We could keep them in a binder and then in the future, we’ll have one love note for every year. (Since we’re getting married next September, we’ll just bump up our anniversary date). He agreed that it was a great idea! So I started writing this note weeks ago, pouring my heart into it. I brought it up once more about a week before our anniversary when I asked if he wanted to go out to eat, or just cook at home. At this time I mentioned I was excited and had been working on the letter.
Well, one year has come and gone, and he “forgot” to write his note. At dinner I handed him his letter and he looked at me guilty and said he “forgot” and “didnt have enough time”.
This completely broke.my.heart. I am honestly having a hard time bouncing back considering all I do for him it makes me feel completely worthless in his eyes.
I know he’s going to write one now, but it’s an after thought and I honestly dont even want it.
Encouraging words would be nice, or if anyone can relate?
Post # 3
@ellie rose: Not sure I can relate, but im sorry that must have hurt so bad. i dont even know what to say
Post # 4
What is his attitude to writing in general? Does he write cards to people, long emails, etc? I only ask because my DH hates writing (and reading for the most part too). He’s never been particularly good at it. So something like that would feel like a chore to him rather than romantic. He expresses his love in other ways – writing just isn’t one of them. Perhaps something similar is true of your FI.
Post # 5
So sorry to hear about your disappointment. But I am sure you are not worthless to him. Not in the least. Unfortunately some people (I don’t want to stereotype men here) just don’t have a great memory. I am not one of those people. I remember every little detail (down to what we were wearing on our first date). FI can’t even remember that I asked him to empty the dishwasher this morning unless I leave him a note to remind him. It’s just the way it is. I am sorry this happened to you on such a special day, and I am sure your FI is kicking himself in the butt for forgetting. Have you expressed to him how much it hurts that he didn’t present you with a letter that night? If not, you should. Perhaps he won’t forget next year when he realizes how much you were looking forward to starting a new tradition together.
Post # 6
I’m sorry you’re so upset but on the other hand this just seems like boys being boys to me and not a reflection of how he really feels about you. I’ve told my FI a ton of times that I love cards/handwritten notes… I think he’s gotten me maybe one birthday card. He once claimed to write me a poem that was blatantly copied from the internet. I think boys don’t understand how much a thoughtful note can mean to us and you should just tell him how much it means to you and let him make it up to you.
Post # 7
@eseds- thanks for your support
@snuggly- actually, all he does is write. He journals and writes songs. For my birthday back in Novemeber he wrote me a lovely letter. I actually thought a love note exchange would be a brilliant because he is already writing so often, I LOVE to receive love notes, and it wouldn’t cost a dime! He is a very loving person and shows love daily by how he encourages me, I just feel bummed.
@vaness-I’m the same- I remember everything…maybe he did forget, and you’re right, he most likely is kicking himself. He’s forgotten things in the past and I’ve let them roll- but as I mentioned for some reason I am struggling to bounce back. I haven’t told him how bad it’s hurt me because I know he feels bad and I don’t want to “rub it in his face”. He knows I’m hurt. I just wanted to reach out to the bees for some extra love. 🙂
Post # 8
@Lgenz- you’re so right. Boys will be boys. I ,like you, just LOVE a handwritten love note.
Post # 9
I have an incredibly forgetful fiance. He is wonderful in almost absolutely every way, except that there is never any guarantee that anything I ask him to do will be remembered. For a while, I thought he just wasn’t *trying hard enough* to remember but I’ve seen his forgetfulness play out in so many different ways that it’s obvious that he honestly just really struggles with remembering things that he is supposed to do.
I’ve learned that it does absolutely no good to go on and on telling him about how it was hurtful that he forgot this or that, because he honestly didn’t mean to forget. [But on the opposite side of things, he is great about surprising me with things or sometimes remembering something that I said I liked that even I had forgotten about]
I’m not sure if this is what happened with your fiance, but, tread lightly. It sounds like he is otherwise wonderful, so I’d try to let this one go. I’m sure he’ll make it up to you. I would be hurt too, but please try to keep in mind that most likely he truly forgot and feels incredibly bad that he did so.
Post # 10
In a way, I think that you’re the best person to interpret what his forgetfulness “means.” On the one hand, I think other commenters are right that sometimes people legitimately forget, or that they’re unspeakably uncomfortable putting their thoughts into words, and that he’ll probably make it up to you. On the other hand, it seems to me that you made it very clear that this was important to you, and reminded him several times. So no matter how frivolous e thought it was, or how uncomfortable it made him, or how absent minded he is, it doesn’t speak particularly well of him that he let you down. So I think you just have to look at the big picture – is he a wonderful person who %$#&ed up once, or is he someone who has a pattern of not valuing what’s important to you who lets you down a lot?
Post # 11
We are talking about guys here. They have to have everything written out for them step by step by step it seems.
Post # 12
My brother and his wife had difficulty with their individual ways of feeling loved. It took them going to counseling and talking it out before they realized that he felt loved by actions – her joining in his interests, showing love through her actions. She needed words and listening. She needed him to actively draw her out and show support through words. I think, in this case, it could be that your needs for “love” communication are different, and you guys haven’t quite figured out how to help each other understand your individual needs yet. I think it is not something to be brushed off as “he’s just a guy” and is instead an opportunity to better understand what fuels each other’s happiness in your relationship!
Post # 13
It’s one thing when he comes up with this on his own, but maybe being asked to do it, it stifles his creativity.
One of the hardest things in a relationship is expectations. Your idea of a suitable acknowledgement may not be your FI’s idea.
I’ve been married over 32 years. Every month on the 22nd my husband says, or texts, or leaves me a note “Happy Anniversary.” To me it’s more like a game now. Do you think he could make a dinner reservation and other plans for us on the actual wedding anniversary or any day? No. I’m the one to do it. If I don’t do it, we are home. Frustrating yes, but I’ve learned to look at the bigger picture.
I’m sure he loves you and feels really bad about this. Let it go, my dear.
Post # 14
I understand how that would have really hurt. You had expectations that he would do it, and he didn’t meet your expectations. When things like this happen, I find that it’s much more helpful to think of all of the ways your SO shows you how he loves you rather than dwell on one instance where he didn’t meet your expectations. Maybe he sometimes does the dishes without you asking, or he has dinner ready for you when you get home, or he records your favorite show on tv… whatever it may be that he does, I’m sure there are many ways he shows you he loves you. Try to focus on those rather than on this disappointment – it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or value you.
Post # 15
@ everyone! Thank you so much for all the advice and kind words!!
I’ve decided to communicate to him that I understand he sincerely forgot, but I was hurt and if he could please in the future make an effort to remember things like that because that is how I speak Love.
Post # 16
You know this just might be a love language thing! And you two might not be speaking the right love language (that book the 5 Love Languages?)
I know that it meant a lot to you, but not all guys are into writing love poems. Was there another way that he showed you how important your anniversary was to him? I do agree that if you wanted a poem that badly that he should try.