(Closed) Ongoing fights with mom over guest list…help?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@seriouslyjoking:  If she is paying, she gets more say.  ๐Ÿ™  Although she probably doesn’t have an idea of how much weddings can cost these days.  Perhaps you can let her know what some big items cost?  Then maybe she will back down.  :S

Post # 5
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If she’s paying, she has a large say in things. Sorry! This happened to my best friend years ago and I remember it being so frusterating for her and her Darling Husband. Maybe you can pay for it, if you can. Otherwise, you might have to change venues to accommodate more people.

Post # 6
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Is it that she is going over your 85 or that you are not getting to invite who you want because she took up the 85?  Can you do a spreadsheet for her to show her the cost so that she will be able to see that you can’t afford it?

Just cross your fingers and hope and pray that the extended family members and her old high school friends are not able to attend.  My mom called me today to add someone else to the guest list.  I just told her okay and when I got off the phone I said a prayer that they wouldn’t show.   The issue with my wedding is space. 

I don’t agree with the if the parent is paying they have more say because it suppose to be a gift.  To me it’s just like because you are paying for college do you get to decide what college I attend and what I major in?  I guess it boils down to them just being excited and proud.

Hope everything works out.

Post # 7
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@seriouslyjoking Just read your last post, before mine. She totally sounds like my friend’s mom. That sucks. Focus on your marriage and not the wedding. It helped out my friend through her wedding planning.

Post # 10
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I don’t really have any constructive suggestions, but just wanted to say I feel your pain, I’m in a similar boat.

I really like the suggestions others made abt showing her how much each thing cost. There are so many tiny things you would never account for in your budget till you actually have to pay for it. Eg. Cake topper, table numbers, guest book, etc etc.

Do a search for married bees’ budget breakdowns, many of them post very comprehensive lists.

Post # 11
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

She won’t let you pay for your wedding?  So she’s forcing you to have a wedding and pay for it?  Is she holding your bank account hostage until the wedding is over?  

Girl, grow a pair and pay for this and do it yourself.  Tell her that you guys are not seeing eye to eye so you’re going to decline her generous offer and pay and plan yourself.  If she’d like to be included, she’s welcome to do so but on your terms.  What is she going to do, plan a wedding without you and just expect you to arrive?  

Your other choice is to let her be crazy about this and just do what she wants while you let her plan the wedding and you just show up.  If she wants to set herself up for financial ruin on a wedding that her daughter will hate, that is her business.

Post # 12
7421 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@zomgwut: I got go with this. I know it can’t be easy trying to please your Mom but at some point the line in the sand has to be drawn.

Post # 13
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@zomgwut: Nicely said.

OP: I really think you need to either tell your mom you will elope with out her if she doesn’t back off (and do it) or wait until you can pay for your own wedding. If you aren’t happy with the wedding she is throwing you then host your own wedding when you are able.

Post # 14
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sounds like she wants to have a party of her own. I think if she is paying she can have some say but not all. It is still your wedding.  Just make sure you have who you and your Fiance want there too (like your friends).  Don’t cut out people who are important to you to make room for her friends.  I would make lists of people who you really want there, maybe want there, and those that you don’t feel need to be there. Maybe after giving her the list you can work something out. I had some guest list issues with Future Mother-In-Law. Fiance told her she has already had a wedding and this one is ours.

Post # 15
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

aaaaaah your post scares me!!! This is what I fear is going to happen to me and I am only at the save the dates part!!! When she gave me her list….. I said I thought we agreed to not invite these people… she said…. it will be out of town none of them will actually come…. WHAT IF THAT IS NOT TRUE? i sent out the save the dates without them (today) I am going to discuss with my dad what his thoughts are because they are paying for the wedding but…. we agreed to a specific amount for budget. My parents are not rich, but have been saving for this and I dont want them to go over budget. I am affraid my dad will just give in…. )

For you I would seriously just re-itterate the venue max.  I cant believe she wants to send out her own invitations! 

What I told my mom in regards to the friends from high school and 3rd cousins i have not seen in years.. is that my Fiance and I have come to a decision we dont want to be introduce to anyone at our wedding, unless it is a guest of one of our friends. We should both know everyone, since we have been together almost 6 1.2 years when we get married, if both of us have not seen.met them in that period of time they dont need to be at the wedding. this might help?


Post # 16
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Sorry, OP, but I’m going to have to agree w/zomgwut.  You said she’s paying for most of the wedding.  And it doesn’t sound like she’s being rational about this.  Anyone who’s tried to negotiate with an irrational person knows you can’t.  And because she’s paying, she’s got the power to make decisions.  So either let her invite everyone she wants, or back out and do your wedding on your own.  

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