(Closed) Online betrayal….share your experiences

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Online betrayal...what do you think? Can pick multiple answers
    My SI would never engage in anything of the sort. : (126 votes)
    49 %
    I have researched/logged into his information to be sure or because I am suspicious. : (50 votes)
    19 %
    I have discovered this type of behavior and forgave my SI : (32 votes)
    12 %
    I have discovered this type of behavior and could not rebuild trust with my SI : (10 votes)
    4 %
    I don't think online betrayal exists : (0 votes)
    My SI refused to acknowledge the severity of their act : (10 votes)
    4 %
    My Si acknowledges it was wrong and has sought help : (16 votes)
    6 %
    Online betrayal doesn't compare to person-to-person cheating : (14 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    4 posts
    Wannabee

    This isn’t my primary account but I’ll answer… I found out that my SO was checking an online dating account after we’d been together for awhile. To make it even worse… it was a sugar daddy/ baby account, and my friend (a sugar baby looking for a loaded guy… she has daddy issues, yes) found it. 

    He confessed as soon as I confronted him that it was true, and told me everything. He’d had the account since before we met and just never shut it down when we became official. He hadn’t been meeting people in person, had just been reading the messages women sent him, and admitted to replying to a couple. He was using it like a fantasy; he used to be much more financially secure than he is now, and I think he liked being able to “pretend” like he was a rich guy lots of women were interested in for that reason. I don’t think I could have forgiven him if he had been communicating with any of the women regularly, and DEFINITELY not if he had met anyone in person. I finally came to terms with what he was doing as a step somewhere between pornography and cheating; he was looking at this as interactive porn, and it didn’t occur to him that these women were “real”, since everythign was online and there was very little interaction. 

    I agreed to try to forgive him and move past it if he could promise me he would delete the account, if we could keep an open dialogue about what had happened, and if he would go into therapy to try to figure out *why* he felt like he needed that extra attention. And believe me, after we talked awhile, it became clear that he knew it was wrong and felt guilty, but it was a compulsion. He kept his promises, and has been in therapy since, then, so for nearly a year. I know, it sounds extreme to force him into therapy for this issue, but it worried me that he didn’t know why he did what he had done. I was scared he wasn’t as happy in the relationship as he proclaimed to be, but didn’t have the introspective tools to recognize this. Since then, he’s worked through a lot of self-esteem and trust issue sin therapy, we have grown closer from discussing what happened and coming to terms with it, and he is so much happier now that he’s not sneaking around with the online stuff. He actually admitted to feeling relief when he knew that I’d found out. And honestly, the fact that he would go into therapy without hesitating when I made it a condition said a lot to me; he’s had anxiety issues and absolutely refused therapy when his parents/ I had begged him to go in the past. When I made it a condition, he agreed immediately and followed through without hesitation.

    This was about a year ago, and I do trust him, although I think I am cautious about giving him that trust. He truly had to earn it back, and it was a process with bumps. I hate him for doing this, because I feel like anytime he acts weird or is at work late and the thought crosses my paranoid mind that he may be cheating, it’s no longer NOT a valid question. That being said, it is the one and only thing he has ever done to compromise my trust, and he’s been very vulnerable with me before and after that event, so I do believe nothing else has happened other than that one incident. I know some people wouldn’t forgive someone for doing that to them, but I love him, he loves me, and we have a great relationship aside from that one incident; I decided it was worth the risk and effort of forgiving him and moving on to salvage our life together, and it was the right choice for me. 

    I don’t know what your situation is, but you’ll have to decide for yourself if you can truly forgive him. If you can, then know it will be hard work to get there. Otherwise, you don’t want to spend years in a relationship with someone you can’t trust; that’s not good for either one of you, and will make you both miserable if you’re always worried and suspicious. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    6365 posts
    Bee Keeper

    When something fishy turns up (e.g. one of his exes contacts him), HE lets ME know and we deal with it together. He expects the same from me. He does have ladies after him sometimes, so it’s really important to me that he handles it the way he does. I feel like we fend them off as a team. I feel secure.

    Post # 6
    Member
    55 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    To answer your questions:

     

    1. What was the betrayal?  I found multiple Facebook instant messages and texts, in which he said some lewd and inappropriate things. 

    2. Did you stay?Did you go?  Initially, I left.  He wasn’t home when I found this.  I left my ring on the table and told him to pack his stuff.  But I stayed in the end.

    3. If you moved past it….how were you able to?  He acknowledged that what he did was wrong.  He had the biggest emotional breakdown right in front of me and was sincerely terrified that our relationship was over.  I knew he was sorry.  I knew he wasn’t really trying to initiate anything with her.  HE offered to go to counseling.  HE deleted her from Facebook.  And HE gave me all of his usernames and passwords.

    4. If you stayed….how has it been thus far?  Perfectly fine.  No other problems.  It was difficult at times that we had arguments, it would get brought up, and even though I haven’t completely forgotten about it – we’ve moved past it.

    Post # 7
    Member
    11760 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    MY ex did this type of stuff all the time – you name it, he did it. I obviously left since he’s an ex. My FI would never do anything like that to me -in person or online.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2894 posts
    Sugar bee

    1. What was the betrayal?

    Had a gut instinct that something was wrong. I snooped through his email and discovered he had maintained an electronic relationship with a woman. It was sexually charged and bordered on online dating. 

    2. Did you stay?Did you go? 

    I wanted to go. I don’t know why I didn’t. But I don’t regret not leaving.

    3. If you moved past it….how were you able to? 

    It took well over a year for us to get to a place where I trusted him and was no longer actively hurt by the transgression. We went to counseling on and off for several months. Ironically, had this not happened we wouldn’t have dove head first into some big problems we recognized in our relationship and we would have never had a counselor to help us through it. He was taking the relationship for granted and failing to appropriately nourish it and I was failing to recognize my emotions and communicate them and my needs to him in a healthy way. We’ve overcome some giant hurdles…mountains really…and we’ve come over the other side a MUCH better couple who have healthy communication habits, who aren’t afraid to express their needs and demand respect, who feel more willing to nourish our relationship, and we’re generally just more loving.

    4. If you stayed….how has it been thus far?

    It was REALLY hard for a long time. I was upset for quite a while and couldn’t forgive him for MONTHS and I wasn’t able to till he was able to appropriately communicate his regret and acknowledge the hurt. But now, it’s as if nothing had ever happened and our relationship is now 100 times better than it was before. Now, I don’t support staying in just any cheating relationship. Not at all. There are lines and while I believe our situation walked the tight rope of my line it didn’t cross it.

     

    Hope this helps. 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    1415 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    SO hasn’t done anything like this. But my ex, early into our relationship I found out he had chatted with another girl and induced her to send naked pictures of herself to him. In retrospect, he was 18 years old so of course he did this. But at the time I was incredibly hurt, but i forgave him. But… he is my ex

    Post # 10
    Member
    791 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Just over a year ago my now DH used my laptop because his computer was being repaired and I was out of town overnight. When I got back I checked the history – he has a wild porn life – and I found a correspondence in which he had contacted a “LIVE! NAKED WOMAN WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU NOW!!!” and he told her he liked her photo (of her lady bits) and that he lived near where she said she was from. The fact that he had initiated a communication was the killer. So first I closed out his account and when the site asked why I wrote that this was my bf’s account and he was a cheater. Then I told him what I found and that I totally considered it cheating. He said it was a one-time event and I told him that there was no way I could ever know or trust that and it didn’t matter-he’d already crossed a line. I told him that if I ever requested his passwords he’d need to give them to me and I’d feel free to snoop his computer, but mostly, if I ever found out that he’d done this again he’d be gone for good. Every once in awhile I ask him if he’s ever contacted anyone again and he tells me no, since he knows how I’d react. I have to take him at his word but there are tons of ways for anyone to cheat this way. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    915 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    1- google voice number that he gave to someone in a bar, she called a couple of times and he called her (total of six minutes of convo) online dating websites, found he was sending pics or contacting girls but never had a back and forth conversation/relationship

    2-stayed….we were engaged when I found out, I thought long and hard and decided to work through it. We also went to counseling

    3-not totally past it,trying to be ” in the here and now”

    4-it sucks!!!! I don’t totally trust him, I feel like he doesnt deserve me which makes me not give as much in the relationship….i know that when we get married  I won’t be 100% sure, he took that away from me…

    Post # 12
    Member
    4609 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    1. What was the betrayal?

    After being with my ex for a little over a year, I got on his computer and saw that he had another Facebook account that I didn’t know about, that he was still an active member on a dating website and that he had been sharing pictures with other girls. He also shared some pretty private information about his relationship with me as well. 

    2. Did you stay?Did you go? 

    He’s an ex, so obviously I left.

    I never got any proof that anything happened while we were dating, but within a month after us breaking up he was dating the girl that he talked to the most, so I’m guessing they had at least talked about being together at some point. I felt betrayed mostly by the fact that he shared a lot of personal information about me to this girl. 

     

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    2495 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    1. What was the betrayal? DH (then SO) carried on multiple chats/conversations with female co-workers and friends that definitely crossed boundaries. Sexual comments, nude photos (of the girls–not him), etc.. I was also confronted (via Facebook message) by one of his co-workers stating he was very touchy-feely (grabbing butts) with female staff. I also believe he kissed a co-worker when driving her home from work one night. There was mention of it in an e-mail she wrote to him, but he denies it to this day..

    2. Did you stay? Did you go? I stayed. I started packing my bags, but after a few lengthy discussions, and him promising it would never happen again, I ultimately chose to stick around.

    3. If you moved past it….how were you able to? I won’t lie, all of this happened years ago (at least 6), but it still crosses my mind from time-to-time. I’ve moved on, and I’ve forgiven him, but I’l never forget what happened.

    It was unrelated to his infidelity, but we separated back in ’10 for 10 months. During that time we learned to communicate better, and I really let him know how much he hurt me by doing what he did. Before the split I’d always just try to shrug it off and bury it, but that worsened the situation instead of fixing it. The time apart also gave us a chance to really think about wheather or not we could make our relationship work again..

    4. If you stayed….how has it been thus far? We reconciled in March ’11, and just got married the end of August.. things have never been better! He hasn’t worked at the aforementioned work place in years, and has no contact with any of the girls, so I don’t have to worry about that. He’s never online. If he goes out with friends, he is in constant contact with me (via BBM), and even offers to have his friends call me, so I know he’s only out with them. We’re more affectionate, etc., etc.. I’m so lucky I have the man I fell in love with back!

    Post # 14
    Member
    3 posts
    Wannabee

     

    @chacomom: I left you a long reply on the “is sexual addiciton just an excuse” thread with my experience of sexual addiction. SA is a tough diesease to deal with and the feeings of hurt/betrayal are incredibly intense. I hope sharing my experience helps you 🙂

    Post # 15
    Member
    904 posts
    Busy bee

    I caught an ex with inappropriate messages on his phone and facebook. He seemed to treat his ex girlfriends like a harem. He’d lead them on just enough to make them think they had a chance of getting back together and then bask in the ego trip. He’d have sexual conversations with them over text message. He kept huge files of photos of every woman he’d ever dated, some naked. Worst of all, I couldn’t believe it when I figured out this 36 year old man was STILL pining over his high school girlfriend (who was married). 

    He fell asleep at my house on evening and I went through his phone. For all of you tempted to berate me for this, I knew something was up. I just needed more information to push me over the edge and dump his sorry ass.

    As an aside…

    NOTE TO ALL WOMEN TEMPTED TO SEND NAKED PHOTOS TO A MAN WHO ISN’T AVAILABLE: His current girlfriend WILL find the photos and BAM…you’re an internet porn star. Some people are real brain trusts, let me tell you.

    Post # 16
    Member
    116 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    1. What was the betrayal?

    I was out of the country for a week to finalize my Visa to the USA and discovered by looking at our online phone bill that he sent 1700 text messages to a girl he met while at work. His excuse was “I’ve never done anything like this before and it was a rush.” This was 84 days after our wedding. I didn’t know if anything physical had happened but he admited that it was sexual and that was enough for me. 1700+ text mesages in a weeks time is an emotional affair and I deserve so much better than that.

    2. Did you stay?Did you go? 

    I flew there and fought with him for 2 hours. Packed up all of my stuff into my vehicle and drove home. It was hard. Very hard. I gave up everything to be with this man but I knew that I could never get over what he did to me. I stayed with a cheater/abuser for 6 years before him and the emotional damage from him was still a constant in my life. 

    3. If you moved past it….how were you able to? 

    Counselling and a lot of wine with my girlfirends! 🙂 My SO now has also helped me so much in dealing with my past. We talked about it a lot in the beginning. He knows all of my fears and anxiety’s from my past and goes out of his way to make sure I don’t feel threatened in any situation regarding him. He went to a concert with just last week and was taking pictures at the concert and videos and texting them to me. 

    Whatever you decide to do in your situation I wish you luck. *hugs*

     

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