Online emotional affair

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
653 posts
Busy bee

Yes he was a jerk- but if you saw all the emails and they were harmless then why are you making it such a huge deal? He probably didn’t want to tell you because you freak out on him. He needs to stop lying but you need to put the past behind you. He doesn’t want his ex he is married to you.

Post # 3
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

The emails were just them chit-chatting? I don’t think that counts as an online emotional affair or cheating in any way. I’m sorry if that is too harsh I was just trying to clarify! 

Post # 4
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

I’m confused, the e-mails were just buddy chit chat and not romantic at all? Then how is that emotional cheating? Sure it sucks he lied to you about having no contact with her at all, but maybe he knew you would freak out if you knew. What do you mean he had a secret life before you were married?

And I don’t understand this part: “I do feel like his excuse is so stupid. If that was the only excuse, I should have cheated on him constantly.” 

 

Post # 5
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

woah.  I can see why he would lie to you about it…

Post # 6
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

adrianassecret88:  I disagree with the previous posters.  Unless your husband openly told you that he was in touch with his ex, these emails were not harmless. 

I’m also bothered by so many of the others things you said.  Your husband sounds emotionally abusive.  He picked a fight with you on your anniversary for no reason.  You say this happens all of the time.  That he doesn’t listen to your concerns.  That you feel like you keep saying the same things over and over without any real acknowledgment from him.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that.  I hate to say something strong to an on-line stranger, but I think your husband is an asshole. Do you really want to be treated like this for the rest of your life?

And no, instead of chit-chatting with his engaged ex, he should be focusing on building a life with you.  I’m shocked by how the other posters are okay with his emails to his ex, especially when he ignores YOUR NEEDS.

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  renierose.
Post # 7
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

pumilionis:  what the OP means is that her husband was emailing his ex because he feels like he’s never heard.  The reality is that she is the one who has no voice in the relationship, but instead of turning to external sources, she has tried to work things out with him to no avail.

Post # 8
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

renierose:  I’ll tell you why, to get you out of your shock.  The post is very discombobulated so I guess it can be read in a different way.

I see a woman who totally went balistic that her husband emails an ex with mundane chatter.  He was wrong to lie about it but seeing as OP thinks she should have “cheated on him constantly” becasue of the emails is really really messed up, and since her husband probably knows what a hysterical person his wife is he didn’t want this situation and lied.  I would have done the same in his shoes.  If anyone’s abusive it looks like it’s OP.

Post # 9
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Atalanta:  he picked a fight on their anniversary for no reason.  He admits to having an anger problem.  Maybe the OP sounds so confused because she’s being abused.  

Post # 10
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

renierose:  He picked a fight according to OP.  She never elaborated what happeend.  When SO and I fight “he always picks the fight” as well according to me.  

Where does it say that he says he has an anger problem?  Op says “I have told him he has some anger issues.”  Again, that’s what she says.

But the situation she describes is her picking the fight and her carrying on childishly and her disregarding her SO’s feelings.  

Post # 11
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

renierose:  Sorry but non-romantic chit chat via emails does not an emotional affair make. She might have other problems in her marriage and with her husband, but an online affair isn’t one of them.

Post # 12
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Atalanta:  we’re going to have to disagree on this one.  I see a very upset and abused woman turning to an anonymous forum to try to deal with her situation.  Why is she lying when she says he picks fights, but telling the truth when she says the emails were just chitchat?

You see a batshit crazy bitch trying to make her husband look bad to perfect strangers. Honestly, I hope you’re right.

  • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  renierose.
Post # 13
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

pumilionis:  I’m not disagreeing with you, but in light of the way her husband treats her, it probably doesn’t help her self esteem to find out that he’s chitchatting with an ex while blowing up at her over nothing.  Has everyone become a narcissist?

Post # 14
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

Sometimes when you have been with someone for a long time, you can see them as an extension of yourself rather than as a human being who deserves your respect. It sounds like both of you have fallen into that trap.

It is important to have boundaries when it comes to exes, but you also need to respect that your husband is his own person, and you need to make sure your boundaries are realistic. It sounds like you have jumped to the worst possible conclusion here with no evidence to back you up. He obviously just has a good friendship with her. If that bothers you, then you should have a rational discussion with your husband about that. But a concealed friendship doesn’t equate to an emotional affair. Can you think of any reason why your husband may have concealed this from you? Consider your reaction to this – might he have anticipated that this would cause unnecessary drama and decided not to tell you?

Post # 15
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

renierose:  I’m sure in her mind she thinks he started the fight.  I’m just going off what I’m reading in that post.

“It took me I think 2 weeks (on and off) of asking him why he did all of this. He kept stating he was stupid and that he’s an idiot, shut down mode yet again.”

Who does it look like is picking a fight?  Obviously OP thinks he is, but what she’s describing is abuse on her part.  She claims he’s shut down, but yet he’s the one with anger issues? Makes no sense.  If you’re going to bully someone for writing what you proclaim are harmelss emails to a friend then you are psycho.  I hope her husband is able to leave this abusive relationship.

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