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Nothing. It is their wedding and their decision. If you disagree you don't go. If it is important for you to be there than you would find a babysitter.
It's a dick move. They are expecting people with kids to find and hire someone they know and trust to watch their children overnight, which is going to be expensive plus wedding gift and gas and hotel or to attend the wedding and drive back the same night which would be a minimum of 8 hours of driving in a single day.
People with kids tend to be short on money and sleep so neither of those options are really realistic and the majority of parents will likely decline the invitation and may possibly be offended enough not to send a gift or card.
However, it's not your wedding and unless she or he asks you specifically why most of their guests are declining invitations, it's not your place to say anything.
I agree with @baletrina.
The bride and groom get to choose the wedding they want to have. If you want to take your children with you, the hotel can probably recommend a sitter or service to watch the kids while you're away.
Its their wedding. Go if you can. Like my cousin. He is thinking of getting married in the Dominican Republic. No way can I afford that! But I dont expect him to change his choices just because I cant afford to go. He knows I cannot go, but knows that Im sending him and his new wife a card with cash.
And you know what, if you cannot go dont feel bad. Every bride and groom should not and cannot accommadate every person they know. Its impossible.
Go if you guys can, but dont feel bad if you cant.
For me, I think it would depend on how old DS was when they had the wedding, and who could watch him. DS is currently 5 months old. If going to the wedding was going to take essentially a whole day, and I wasn't allowed to bring him, I wouldn't go. And I wouldn't feel bad about it. It's their call to have the kind of wedding they want, but part of saying "no kids" is dealing with the fact that some parents will choose not to go. I don't blame them, and I expect them to not blame me either.
If a wedding was in town and we'd be close, I'd be fine leaving DS with my sister, who lives near us. But I'm not going to an OOT wedding without him at this age. No way. That's not "a night out," that's a trip.
It might also depend on how stringent the child ban was. If it was a "oh, we love kids but we have our heart set on this venue and children just aren't allowed at the reception site" kind of thing, I'm lucky enough that my mom would probably be willing to go with us and watch DS during the ceremony and reception if we really wanted to go. But I would only do that if kids, while excluded from the ceremony/reception, were welcome at the place we'd be staying and at whatever other events we'd be going to for this OOT wedding (like a breakfast, or casual hanging out before the wedding, or whatnot). If everyone is staying at the same resort and they really want zero kids around, we'll pass.
It wouldn't really matter either which way to me. But likely the four hour drive would mean we would have to stay overnight and currently we have NO ONE we can watch our then baby overnight so we would have to decline.
If it were someone that was close to me, I'd go alone and leave baby with DH. If it were someone that were close to him, I'd have him go solo. I don't think I'd hire an overnight babysitter, so unless a grandparent or someone I'd trust my infant with was available only one of us would go.
Not their fault, that's their choice for the wedding :) I haven't met too many folks that have been angry about a decline because of something like this. I can understand being disappointed but not mad/upset/angry.
The problem here is that it is immediate family. It is not a friend or an acquaintance. I think in this case it depends on the age of the children and the ability of other family members to take the children overnight. That is an overnight trip, it is not a day trip. BIL and fiancee will have to take into account a lesser amount of people being able to attend because of the rules. Perhaps they intend to keep it small, but they will need to understand why the attendance will be limited. Not all people have someone available who can take their children overnight, nor are all children able to be left overnight depending on the age/needs of the child.
I think it is pretty inconsiderate to ask for zero kids at an OOT wedding, but it is their wedding and their call so it is up to them to do what they like.
I agree with those who say asking for a no kids wedding is totally reasonable and up to the bride and groom. Now, some may make exceptions for babies who are still nursing, but some are stringent that they want adults only.
If it were me, and I was invited to an out of town wedding and my baby was less than a year old, I would probably decline. We don't have anyone in town to watch the baby, and even if I could find a local sitter I wouldn't want to leave a baby with someone I didn't know. If it was someone super, super close to me and I just couldn't imagine not being with her or him getting married, maybe I would think about going alone and leaving the baby with husband, but it would again depend on how old she was. If it was someone on his side I would just tell him to go alone.
While I wouldn't be offended to receive an invitation excluding kids, I don't think I personally would ever have an event that I expected people to travel to without their kids either. I don't think it's wrong, I just personally wouldn't do it.
I agree with the fact that it isn't a "night out" when you will be gone for say 36 hours and not everyone has family close by to leave their kids with.
One option could be to find grandma's/teens/someone from your church, etc. and have them all watch the kids--slumber party style--at the hotel. Bring pj's, books, toys, movies, whatever---and when the parents gets back to the hotel they can pick up their kids---obviously, you'd have to provide food and some type of payment for the babysitters--and maybe give the parents a time frame---like pick your kids up by 10pm or 11pm and have cell phone numbers incase the kids are crying and missing their parents---just a thought. Keep them all together but not at the wedding. (and just an FYI--I might not have the kids in a room attached to the venue--if kids know their parents are close they will just want to see them)
*I realize this doesn't work for everyone--but I was a nanny for many years and have done this at weddings:) *
It's their wedding, so it's their call. If I was in the situation I would go if I could afford it and could find a babysitter for the evening...maybe get together with other family that might be in the same situation. If not then I probably would have to decline. No hard feeling though, I think it is a bit ridiculous to say they are being inconsiderate, it's their wedding. They knew by saying no kids and moving it 4 hours away some people would not be able to make it, its a give and take. Maybe they want a smaller wedding, maybe not. But they shouldn't have to change the vision of their day to accommodate anyone, unless they choose to.
@Lillindy: I agree 100% with what Lozza said. A wedding where you have to travel that far is not a "night out" its a trip. Plus, its YOUR family. If you entire family is at the wedding and you have a young baby who do they want you to leave your baby with? I like what Lozza said, it is their wedding and they can make the choice not to have kids and you can't blame them for that, but at the same time if you have a baby and can't come, they shouldn't blame you either. However, since it is family, I'd talk to them about bringing your baby if that means coming or not coming. I might feel differently if it was local and you had someone who could sit for an hour or two, but I wouldn't feel comfortable traveling far away and having to leave my son with a babysitter I've never met before and don't know anything about at the venue.
I think, in a situation like this, not going doesn't mean you don't want to be there. I would be disappointed to have to decline a wedding invitation from a family member, but it would be really difficult to leave my child either at home with a stranger for a weekend or in a hotel with a stranger for a day, while my husband and I went out. A new babysitter might be fine for older children, but for 0-3 years old (at least) kids often have major seperation and stranger anxiety, and they can't express their needs and wants in words.
While generally, I'd say their wedding, their rules, in this instance it is a little offensive in that it means that immediate family will probably be excluded from the wedding-- (I count DH's immediate family my immediate family, so in this instance even though it's your BIL, I still would call them immediate family). Unless someone in your family is able to watch your son overnight, then it seems like your only option is to stay home with him while DH goes. But it would be worth talking to BIL about it too-- that you would like to go and celebrate his big day with him, but since you can't bring your child (his nephew), that you won't be able to attend since there's no one to watch your son overnight. Maybe he'd be willing to bend the rule here, for immediate family members only.
I think they have every right to throw the wedding of their dreams, but you are totally justified in either not going or leaving early if it's too inconvenient. If they know there are going to be a lot of people in your situation, it would be nice for them to organize some kind of on-site babysitting, but honestly they don't have to.
WE only allowed siblings to bring kids to our wedding, so I know a lot of our guests made other arrangements. No one declined our invitation because their kids weren't allowed though, even the ones who were OOT. Everyone just made arrangmenets even if it meant they had to leave the reception an hour early.
I would still respect the choices they are making, and decline/accept accordingly. It's tough because it's family, and you want to go to support them, but at the same time, your kids come first.
Is it your BIL or your DH's? If it were us, whoever's side of the family it was would go, and the other would probably stay home if our child was very young (less than a year/still breastfeeding, etc), and we would try to find a sitter if they were old enough to leave overnight.
I would take my child for the overnight and hire a babysitter for the wedding itself if it was the wedding of one of my family members. If it was my husband's family, I would leave him with my mother/siblings overnight and enjoy the minivacation!
If neither of these was an option for whatever reason, I would decline and send a lovely gift.
Good luck deciding what to do!
@nerdface: I don't think calling this situation a "dick move" is very appropriate.
My wedding is no kids, and approximately a 3 hour drive for all our guests. But the location was chosen because a)the location is important to us, b)it's an important location to my parents (who are paying most of it), and c)everyone now has an equidistant drive instead of some people have a 5 hour drive, and others being local.
I also can't afford and don't have room for kids at the reception. It sucks, but reality is that I'd rather have more of my friends there than my 2nd cousin's daughter who screamed through my grandpa's funeral. But we are hiring a baby-sitter, and one couple is going to leave their baby with one of their moms for the weekend.
If it was me, I'd have my FI mention to his brother that due to the baby we might not be able to attend. I'd also look into finding a baby sitter in that area. Lot of hotels have nanny services they can put you in touch with.
@baletrina:THIS!
My wedding is at leadt 4hrs drive for my family/friends. Since we are having it in my FIs hometown. And we have no children either. Many factors went into our decission, but it is OURS no matter what. If people can't make it then I will be sorry to have missed them. But from what I have heard from my guests they have all been to more and more weddings where little children are not invited and no one seems surprised at all.
I would find a babysitter (family member) on the side of the family not attending the wedding (your parents or his, etc.) and if that wasn't possible, I'd decline. I would not be mad, just upset I could not attend.
I forgot to note in my post that, since it's (presumably) your husband's brother, I'd definitely try to make sure he could attend the wedding even if you don't go. I sent DH to his cousin's wedding on his own when DS was 6 weeks old, and my mom came and stayed with me. Worked out fine. It's his family, I imagine there's a good chance his brother would want him in the wedding party, etc. He should make every effort to be there, I'd think.
I do think it's weird that they're excluding the groom's nephew from the wedding. I 100% understand not wanting random kids at your wedding. Or kids at all during the ceremony, since that's supposed to be quiet and distraction-less. But your nephew isn't a random kid, and presumably a significant portion of the people at the reception are also close family to the kid, and will not be disturbed by his presence. Again, it's their call, but personally I'd be kinda shocked and saddened if one of my or DH's siblings said DS was excluded from all wedding events. I'd certainly take the initiative on my own to make sure one of us parents (the one not related to the bride/groom) either skipped the ceremony or stayed on the fringes (i.e. somewhere where it'd be easy to remove the kid if there was any hint of being a distraction) and we might take turns attending the reception if we didn't think DS would be well-behaved, but I'd feel pretty miffed if my son was straight up not welcome at any part of his aunt or uncle's wedding. When DH and I got married, we felt like the best and most important part of having a wedding "event" was getting to spend time with our families, and it wouldn't have crossed our minds to exclude the littlest members. Heck, our ring-bearer was way better behaved than Grandma Helen or Great-Uncle John, and nobody told us we were allowed to take them off the guest list.
It's a tricky situation when it's immediate family. Obviously your DH should not be missing his brother's wedding, I assume he may even be in it. I think exceptions need to be made in situations like yours. I don't know how old your child is but our daughter is 2 and we don't leave her overnight even with grandparents. A night out is a lot different than an out of town trip. Since it's immediate family you would be expected at the rehearsal as well. Leaving a young child that long isn't reasonable. I think a compromise needs to made because this isn't a casual friend where you can just decline.
No kids is no kids is no kids. OOT, DW, or right next door - kids aren't invited and that's their perogative. It's your choice to arrange for childcare or not attend, and it's their choice to not have kids in lieu of missing out on some people not being there due to child care.
It might suck, but it is what it is.
@Future MrsB: I don't think it's inappropriate at all--it's the truth. I don't even have or want kids and finding someone to check on my cats every other day when I go out of town is a big enough hassle, I can't imagine how much work or money it would be to find someone to watch 2 kids for a weekend. I'd prefer no kids at our wedding but I am not going to look at my or FIs family and say "I think it's totally reasonable for me to ask you to drive 3-8 hours or more to come to our wedding after you have to pay for someone to watch your kids for 2 days because I don't want them crying" to at least 1/3 of the people. Most venues/caterers charge a small flat fee for kids because most of them don't really eat at a wedding so excluding friends isn't really a good excuse. I worked at one wedding where the MOB brought a big bag of frozen chicken nuggets, fries and ketchup packets. We tossed them in the oven with the regular food and set up a kid's table--I don't think we even charged for it past the cost of rentals for the table (table, plates and table linen).
Providing a babysitter/nursery is an entirely different situation but OP made no mention of that happening. If there is no childcare provided and the majority of guests are from out of town, a no kids wedding is a dick move.
Hopefully this won't turn into THAT kind of debate, but oh ,well.
My baby is 3wks old. I just wouldn't go. If all my family is there, who will my baby stay with? A sitter overnight? Nah.
As far as nights out..if my SO and I want a night away from our baby,it certainly won't be to a wedding.LOL.
@nerdface: Sorry but I don't think "black tie optional" and BYO-chicken fingers go together- at least they didn't at my wedding.
My husband and I both have big families (who live 5+ hours away) but we wanted no kids because there is a completely different vibe when a wedding is adults only. We wanted our 2 families- who never met previously- to be able to actually talk to one another instead of chasing after 2-year-olds on the dance floor or trying to entertain the older kids who are bored out of their minds. My MIL had the time of her life- mostly because she didn't have toddlers hanging off of her like she does 99% of the time at other family weddings we've gone to. It has nothing to do with cost- sometimes people need to have the night off from being parents and grandparents and be able to have a few cocktails and enjoy themselves.
Your options are to leave the child behind overnight with a family member or other trusted babysitter, or decline the invitation. Imposing on the bride and groom by asking for an exception for your child is not an option. Clearly the bride and groom want a child-free wedding and there's nothing wrong with that, so long as they understand that their choosing to have an OOT, no-kids wedding will pose a hardship for some of their invited guests and cause them to get more declines than they would otherwise.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions of course. But I definitely do not think it's wrong for a person to not want children at their wedding. I also have elected to not have children at mine. My wedding is only an hour away for most people. But for some it will be longer. All that doesn't matter. If someone extend's an invitation, it's up to you to accept or decline. THAT simple. No matter what the reason is that you may not be able to attend has nothing to do with the bride and groom. And in all honesty shouldn't be their problem. With that being said I also think that a wedding is a very important day in someone's life. If at all possible you should attend.(especially if your close to them) I find it ironic when people will be offened if their children are not invited. Do people go EVERYWHERE with their kids? Do they try and take them to work and get offended if their employer will not allow that? Do you go to an adult movie with hubby and bring your three year old? In most cases I would think not. There are many event's in ones life where children will not be welcome. And if you are one of those people that are with your kid's all the time and are offended then you have the right to decline. My neice which is the flower girl will more than likely be the only child at my reception. My aunt was suprised that I will not have kids at my wedding.(she almost sounded dissappointed) She has four sons and they have 18 kids between them. Personally, I do not want to spend a thousand dollar's more for children I do not even know and have them taking over the dance floor. Especially if my fiance and I are paying for our entire wedding ourselves.
Well if your future SIL isn't bothered at all by the fact that she's excluding her future niece/nephew from her wedding (which I find really rude) then I wouldn't be bothered with her wedding. Don't go and don't feel guilty about it! If she causes a fuss because her future SIL isn't going to her wedding, then just kindly remind her that she's the one excluding children from the guest list.
@piglet_625: Yes, it is DH's brother.
@7-9-11bride: Our son will be close to two around the time of when they say their wedding will be. We also do not want to leave our kid overnight with someone, nor do we really have someone who could do that for us.
@MsMamaBear: Exactly, we aren't going to leave our kid with a random stranger overnight, or even a few hours for that matter. There's too many weirdos out there and based on some family history, I've learned you have to be VERY careful with who you trust alone with your kids.
@Oribel013690: You are absolutely right and I surely wouldn't feel any guilt.
The wedding is a bit away, but I just wanted some thoughts on this type of situation, so thank you all for the responses. If their plans don't change at all and it comes down to absolutely no kids, I've already made it clear to DH that I would stay home with our child and he understands. It would probably upset BIL, and I do feel bad about that because I consider him my own brother, but I'm not leaving my kid behind. Plus, his FI doesn't even speak to DH or I, so it's not like I'd be broken-hearted missing her wedding.
I think it is their wedding and their choice so its unfair to state how rude it is. I am in a similar situation where my FI has 2 kids on his side who also happen to be out of town and I have close to 30 on my side (in town). Unfortunately its all or nothing and we had decided nothing. I cant make exceptions for some and not others or I will def stir up some harsh feelings somewhere. Though I totally understand where many of you are coming from as I have an 8 month old, its not your wedding so if it bothers you, I would politely decline. I highly doubt anyone would be offended as they made the choice to not include children and would never expect you to leave your child with some stranger hours away from home.
@KristenGotMarried:THANK YOU!!! I am having an OOT wedding which is a 13hr drive away for my family and a 6hr drive for his family. NO KIDS= NO KIDS. It's about 20 kids that are being excluded but I really don't want to hear anyone's out of control children at MY wedding. Not saying YOUR kids are out of control, but I know my cousins and they're wild (as they should be at that age
) But not at my wedding. I want an intimate wedding. And every wedding with kids I go to the children are always running all around and to me it's just not cute. It's distracting. Weddings are for adults when it comes to my wedding. I don't knock people for having kids at/in the wedding or not having them at/in the wedding. I sent an email to my family and said I understand if you can't be without your kids for a weekend, but sadly we cannot accomodate any children at our weddings. I'm sure I'm being called a b**** but oh well, it's totally our call and it's what we want.
Can your DH go and you stay home with the babes? I don't see anything wrong with that.
We did this - and completely understood that some people wouldn't be able to (or wouldn't want to) attend if the kids weren't invited. We knew that going in and weren't hurt when the declines started coming in.
And for the folks that say it's different because it's an out of town wedding, I disagree. Practically any wedding you go to is OOT for someone. Most of my extended family lives 4-5 hours from where we had the wedding, but it's also where DH and I live so it was in town for us. It was out of town for my brother because it now lives in a different state. But it was in town for most of DH's extended family because they all live in the area.
Understandably, the majority of my extended family chose not to come because it was a long distance, not just because no kids were invited. And several of DH's extended family didn't come because they were upset about the no kids rule, even though none of their kids were excluded because they were all over 18.
Go if you can, if you can't give a gracious decline. I think those who have been on the bee through our own weddings understand that there are decisions that need to be made for monetary or other reasons that those outside the decision-making process aren't aware of.
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Beekeeper
So, I have an interesting family situation. My BIL is newly engaged. They are deciding that they want a wedding out of town. The place they seem most decided on is technically out of state and a minimum of a 4 hour drive for ALL of the guests. His FI decided she doesn't want kids at their wedding. How would you feel about this and/or what would you do in this situation?