Post # 1
I was really looking forward to getting a real e-ring from FI when I came home from an internship. Well he got in a car accident and my ring money became emergency money since the emergency fund ended up being used. Well we had a discussion about that fact that I was just disappointed that he didn’t end up doing anything for our anniversary even though I knew a ring was out of the question. He says he’s sorry we didn’t do anything for our anniversary and we stop talking about it.
The next week he starts working a bunch of overtime and is excitedly telling me about how much extra money he’ll have at the end of the month (a little more than he had planned to use as a down payment on a ring). And my very clever retort is “Cool. If we add that in to what the insurance company is paying on your totaled vehicle we can almost buy the new vehicle outright.” I guess I have some sort of complex where I can’t seem to actually ask for what I want.
It stung a little bit extra having just had an uncomfortable conversation with my mother where she first assumed we had broken up because we had been long distance for 3 months and then called FI a number of derogatory names because he hasn’t bought me a ring. Never mind the fact that she has gone though (as in lost) 6 wedding rings and the engagement ring my father literally made himself. And she wonders why we hardly talk.
Anyone else seem to say things that are counterproductive to getting what you want?
Post # 3
@NoOneYouExpect: all the time.
I’m a total foot in mouth person, all the time. It’s brutal. I have a habit of saying things that just don’t come out right at all – sounds fine in my head but as it’s coming out of my mouth I’m simultaneously telling myself to shut up.
Post # 4
I do. I say things all the time that I look back on almost instantly and say “Omg, why did I say that!?” and I get SOOOOOOOOO embarrassed. 🙁
Post # 5
@NoOneYouExpect: I just wanted to say that I think getting in a car accident, having to cover medical expenses, and needing a new car takes precedence over a ring any day of the week. I am really glad you didn’t say anything to him because you would have come across as extremely selfish. It’s obviously not his priority right now and I think nagging would work against you a lot more than being a supportive girlfriend would. Just because you don’t have a ring doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and isn’t committed to you.
Post # 6
I think you said the right thing. You’ll be better of going into marriage debt free than having an expensive ring. There are so many great inexpensive options out there now if the ring is really important to you and you guys can’t afford something fancy. Why put the strain on yourselves?
Post # 8
There is nothing wrong with what you said. A foot in mouth moment would have been if you said, “UGH how will you EVER propose if you don’t any money for the ring???”
…why didn’t insurance cover the car costs? =(
Post # 9
this was not a foot in mouth moment. foot in mouth would have been asking for a ring when you need to buy a car after an accident.
Post # 10
Allow me to clarify. We are engaged and I’m marrying him in May regardless. We also have replenished the emergency fund and the car accident related bills are paid. We are also in a position to buy a car outright just not the one he wants right now and we aren’t actually looking to buy a the new vehicle for another 6 months because we don’t really need one right now.
It is a foot in mouth moment for me because a ring is something I want. I just feel guilty asking for one. And at no point in time did I say to FI “I want a ring that costs $$” I’ve made it clear all I want is one that he actually purchases for me. But that was when we talked about it 10 months ago. Its really not something I’m pressuring him about.
@peachacid: It covered a lot of the costs but he is interested in a nicer car.
Post # 11
@NoOneYouExpect: Then stick your foot in your mouth, then take it out to say, “Why are you getting a nicer car instead of proposing????” lol. I think you did just fine. =)
Post # 12
@NoOneYouExpect: Let me clarify. Statements such as “downpayment on a ring” and “could almost buy a new vehicle outright” make it sound like your in debt/are planning to go into debt.
Some people might be comfortable with that. But I think that you said the right thing because I don’t think it’s a good idea to go into debt for either a car or a ring…but especially a ring. Especially when there are so many excellent inexpensive options out there these days.
Just a personal opinion.