Opening a possible can of worms….

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8701 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would need to see it directly with zero effort on my part whatsoever — A receipt for a hooker (lul) left on my nightstand, looking at his computer with him writing sexually explicit letters to someone that wasn’t me, etc. Anything else, literally anything else (Opening a folder, looking at his browser history/phone/whatever) is snooping.

Post # 5
Member
7193 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Personally I think suspicious behaviour warrants snooping. For instance, if my husband hid his phone whenever it rang and wouldn’t let me see what he was texting / receiving, that would make me suspicious. But he never does so I rarely look at his phone. Same for when he’s out – I never snoop, but if he was going out and his explanations made no sense, then I think I’d be justified to snoop. There has been the occasional time in our marriage when something odd has happened, and a little investigation has cleared it up and showed it was all harmless.

Post # 7
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Yeah – there’s a difference between “finding” and “looking for.” I once heard a mother say “I found teenager’s obc pills!…yes I went thru her purse and there they were underneath a package of tissues in the secret zipper…” Yeah…that’s not “finding” that’s “searched”. I strongly believe “searching/looking for” is an invasion of privacy.

Post # 8
Member
8701 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have nothing to hide. My husband does not have my password for particular things. He doesn’t need them — ever. He doesn’t ever need to look at my e-mail or my facebook messages. “Ours” does not need to encompass everything “You” are. He can look at my phone if he wants, it’s unlocked. He can use my computer, it’s not password protected. I use his computer every once in a blue moon (When I need to use the printer) but I never “look” at anything beyond what I am doing.<br /><br />I don’t want his passwords. It’s none of my business. I wouldn’t give him mine, either.<br /><br />Everyone is entitled to their privacy. You do not need to surrender that once you become a couple or when you get married. Your experience with the matter does not make it a law or a rule. A few people in billions didn’t share their passwords and they cheated. It proves nothing, and sharing passwords won’t stop someone from cheating.<br /><br />Besides, they could always make an unknown facebook account, e-mail account, messanger account, so what would having passwords to the “clean” accounts accomplish?

 

I don’t think there is any reason for spouses to have, share or know each others passwords unless it is something they both use. Like Netflix for example, or my husband’s Origin account (It’s a gaming account) because we both play on it.

Post # 9
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Cmsatx2014:  If I had good reason to be suspicious, I would snoop.  

Post # 12
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

I am an extremely private person and I treat my FI with the same respect I expect to be given. Both of our computers have locks on them, as do our phones. I would never dream of using either one without his explict permission (and I would ask permission every time) and he would do the same for me. I have given him my passwords in the past if he needed to use my computer or phone, but I’ve always changed them after he was done. I have nothing to hide, but I don’t consider my personal life to be any of his business, just as his is none of mine. (This is probably a super unpopular opinion, but it’s just my personal taste). I would never, not ever allow him to look through my facebook messages or read my texts nor would I ever do that to him, not even if he was typing in front of me. I have several of his passwords because he’s less strict about changing them once I know one, but I would still never touch his things without asking, and I would never, not ever look at his email or any of his other private accounts.

For me he would pretty much have to hire a skywriter for me to find out, but I am 100% okay with that.

Post # 14
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

My ex boyfriend was a horrible person in a lot of ways. If I checked my phone for the time he would grill me about who was texting me, accuse me of cheating, demand to see the phone and accuse me of deleting messages. Just for checking the time. That was emotional abuse. I never cheated on him, the relationship ended when he cheated on me.

My lovely SO and I had a discussion before we became serious about our boundaries and what our expectations are as far as privacy. We are both on the same page about what snooping is. We agree it is unacceptable and we don’t share passwords to private accounts.

If she suddenly changed her mind I wouldn’t just go along with it. I would need to know why and if I didn’t agree with her reasons I wouldn’t give her my password.

Post # 17
Member
7385 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Cmsatx2014:  Honestly I could not be friends with half the women on here because they see no problem with their partners having full access to snoop as they please on their emails/texts etc or they have no secrets. As a friend I would be so worried that my privacy was being violated and that I could not share anything with them for fear of it being read by their partner. You should be able to trust your friends and to me this violates that trust. I hope that all the people who do have this open door policy at least have the decency to let their friends know that anything they say to them is not private.

For me if you have to snoop then your relationship is already in trouble. Whether there is something to snoop on or not the trust and respect is clearly not there. 

 

Post # 18
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

FI and I are in sort of a middle ground here. We share passwords for come things – ie the netflix account, I know how to unlock his phone and vice versa, we’ve told each other our passwords to our tablet/reader (i never remember his though) but even so it’s not that he has to share his passwords with me, his laptop is password locked from his army days, which is fine, he has it enabled where can access a guest account to still use the general things on the computer which works just fine for me. And his tablet I’ve used but it’s after I hand it to him to unlock and then use, he’s told me the password but it’s not important to me to remember (plus it’s an old army thing of his that I would never make enough of a connection with to remember) and he does the same. He’s had me answer his phone or open things up and vice versa, but we never just go into each others things as it’s personal space. Even as small as my purse and his wallet. I don’t like going in there, if I need something or he tells me to grab something I prefer to just bring him the whole wallet and he will get w.e it is out and vice versa. It’s a we’re open about things but also respect each other enough that we don’t need to share every password or thing. No offense to those who do, just how we work.

Post # 2
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

The only way I would end up ‘snooping’ if it literally fell into my lap – like, borrowed a laptop and the browser search history made something pop up, was already logged into Facebook/email, or something. I would never actively search for anything, because to me if you are actively looking without provocation there’s other issues that need to be addressed first. 

 

I have never crept about in FI’s stuff and have never felt a need to. Hell, I don’t even know his passwords to anything. 

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