Post # 1
My FI and I have been engaged for about three and a half years. We were just a couple of poor kids when we got engaged but it was still special. FI liked the ring he proposed with, but didn’t love it. He didn’t feel like it was what I deserved, and wasn’t anything like what he envisioned. I have always loved it because it was from him and he proposed in such a romantic way, even though I wouldn’t have picked it for myself either.
Well we finally set a date for the wedding, after a few ups and downs. We almost called everything off in October 2009. But we have stayed strong and are so much more in love. FI decided that he wanted to upgrade my engagement ring to what he always wanted to get me and to make sure we could find a band that actually matched this one. His point was that I deserved better and he wanted our engagement and wedding rings to be a symbol of our bright new future together and that we are forgetting about the past.
I agreed and thus began our ring shopping. But… everyone is freaking out and making me feel awful. My family doesn’t understand, and my mom tells me I’m just spoiled and that no woman in her right mind would ever give up her real engagement ring. I’ve had friends tell me that its odd and it sounds as if I’m just being selfish so that I can get a bigger diamond. I have not had one good comment or understanding statement and it is seriously starting to hurt my feelings!
What to do????
Post # 3
If you are old enough and mature enough to get married, then you need to be mature enough to keep certain things between you and your husband to be. Your ring has nothing to do with your friends/family, so why are they even in a situation to comment?
Post # 4
It’s no one elses busines! It sounds like your FI WANTS to buy you another one and you are happy with this and that is all that matters. For that reason, I see nothing wrong with it at all.
Post # 5
I agree with the others. To me it sounds like your friends are jealous. And maybe to make it even more special why dont you not wear the new ring until you get married. So wear your old engagement ring on your right hand… for something old. then the day of your wedding wear your new ring for something new. I dont know. Its a thought. But I think its your FI’s decision on if he wants to buy you a new ring. Not your family.
Post # 6
Upgrading is very common. While I could never part with my e-ring, we definitely plan on making some changes to it in the future (its currently a cluster but we plan to upgrade to one large stone in the next few years).
Do whatever will make you and your FI happy and tell everyone else to shove it! =)
Post # 7
Okay, I am probably from your mom’s generation, and I don’t understand why she wouldn’t be on board with you getting an upgrade. As for your friends, I don’t understand them either. Both you and your FI want you to have an upgrade, so I don’t see you as being spoiled or selfish at all. I think you should get something that both you and your FI are happy with. You can always get the other one resized and wear it on your right hand or if you don’t want to wear it, you can get a special little box for it and pack it away to give to your daughter on her 16th birthday or if when she has someone that she is serious about and they are in the same situation as you and your FI were, then you can give it to her at that time.
Do what makes you both happy and to heck with what anyone else thinks.
Post # 8
I think engagement rings are tricky for some people because they are where fashion meets sentiment. Yes, the sentiment of your original engagement ring can’t be replaced, but the ring is just a RING. It’s a piece of metal! It isn’t physically your love incarnate, it is a symbol of that love.
If both you and your SO want to upgrade, DO IT! Don’t let people tell you you’re a brat if you both want it and can afford it. There is no shame in it.
Post # 9
ya, i was reading your post and totally thinking it was all fine and reasonable and so the part where your family and friends are reacting that way totally surprised me! i agree with the others, no need to discuss it with them. and if ever they see the new ring on your finger, tell them, but keep it short and simple without feeling the need to explain any further than you wish. if they don’t like or agree with your reasoning, then that is their problem, not yours.
Post # 10
Either I’m totally the only one who thinks this, or I’m the only one who’s going to actually say it – but I get where your friends are coming from. A work friend of mine had a similar situation. Her fiance’s mother isn’t a huge fan of hers, and talked him into buying something *really* small in a setting that I know she really doesn’t care for. They talked about upgrading for months, and I wasn’t too fond of the idea. It was none of my business though, of course, so I stayed out of it as best I could, but it irked me a little that she was more concerned with the metal wrapped around her finger than what it represented. Eventually they didn’t replace the ring, they just put a more suitable diamond into the setting she already had, and I was completely at ease with that. Again, not my business, but people can’t help how they feel, and everybody has an opinion whether they mention it or not, and that was mine.
To be perfectly honest, I was a little jealous as well. I wasn’t dating anyone at the time, she’s younger than me, and it was kind of awesome that her ring sucked until all of a sudden she started looking at these gorgeous replacements and I was like “just be satisfied with what you have, seriously”. It’s the same obnoxious tickle I get in the back of my brain when people get dog after dog that you know they’ll find one reason or another not to keep and then repeat the cycle. I felt like every time she changed her mind or got bored she was going to wave another ring around at everyone and it was kind of bullshit, even though I know that was never her intention at all. People should have some kind of attachment to that kind of thing, even though it’s just an item, and it didn’t seem like she did.
@deathbydesign has a point, though, it’s only jewelry and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t like what you’re stuck wearing for the rest of your life. If he’s cool with it, and you’re not all that attached to the particular trinket you’ve got, go ahead and do it. Not everybody gets that fairytale perfect surprise ring right off the bat, and if you’ve got to go outside the norm to get it, I guess that’s okay too. Heck, my fiance let me pick out my own, which isn’t the “traditional” way either. 🙂
Post # 11
Pfft, honey do whatever you want! If he feels like he needs to upgrade you, then let him! Not all men are that concerned with the jewelry (mine’s not, at least I don’t think. But then again he hasn’t proposed yet, so maybe that’s the hold up… anyways, I digress).
You can still keep your original ring and wear it on your right hand if you want. You don’t necessarily have to give it up. I don’t plan on giving my promise ring up when we get engaged. I may not wear it all the time after then, but it’s still mine and means a lot to me.
Side note? My friends been married for about 3 1/2 years, and is on her third set. She finally got what she wanted. It’s about you and your husband. Besides, THIS IS JUST MY OPINION, but your marriage and relationship defines you, jewelry is just a bonus.
Post # 12
@JMonzy: upgrading is very common and is quiet frankly none of their buisness. With that said though I can understand why they see it as a “diamond grab” etc. I would think the same thing to if you asked me a year ago. After i got engaged though I ended up winning a much larger diamond ring and the big debate was which one to wear. Lots of people thought i should wear my orginal one, thats the one DH proposed with, the one with the meaning and sentiment behind it…but here is the important part, and the part you need to remember…DH (your fiance in this case) wanted me (you) to wear the bigger one…..and thats what matters!! If he is happier getting you something else and you love the ring…you should wear it!!
Post # 13
My question is, if you like the ring you already have, and like it because of what it represents regardless of its size, why are you upgrading?
If your fiance wants to buy you another piece of jewelry, that’s fine, but if you like your engagement ring, keep it. Either way, it’s no business of your family and friends, so I just wouldn’t discuss it with them.
Post # 14
do whatever you want to do! Also this could be a lesson for the future don’t tell others what you decide – just buy the ring and when they see it and they ask – just tell them its your new ring! and smile –
Post # 15
I think deliciousapple said what I think your friends are experiencing…jealousy. I think if you want one, go for it and it’s pretty sad that your friends can’t be happy for you. Who cares if you got your first e ring and now want to upgrade. It’s just a ring and honestly…I know many people who get upgrades all the time. I met a woman the other day who has great grandchildren and was admiring her rings. I told her so and asked if it was her original set (3 carat center, etc…) and she laughed and said it was her 6th and she had been married 40 years. Yes, when you are first proposed to, the ring feels like it symbolizes so much but honestly, to me, what it comes down to is you liking what you have to wear EVERY DAY and as long as your fiance/husband is fine with it, to hell with what others think. You are NOT being selfish. And unless you are saying to your friends, “ha ha…i got another ring and you have nothing”…it’s selfish on their parts that they can’t be excited for you. When I was single and other friends were married, sure…I was envious but not jealous. I was just excited and dreamed about when it would be my turn. It’s pretty shitty if people can’t be happy for you and understand what you are trying to say and really, you shouldn’t have to explain anything. So sorry you are going through with this. Do what your gut says and again, if fiance is happy, then do what makes YOU happy!
I really think that once you are married for over a year or years, you will (and others) will look back and really see that upgrading is not a big deal and doesn’t mean you love your husband any less because you are not wearing the original ring he got you!
Post # 16
@deliciousappleblue:I can understand where you are coming from being on the other end. But my point is that I didn’t ask for it. I never said I didn’t like the original ring or that I needed anything else. This was his idea and something he said he wanted to do for me. Now if I was like “O my first diamond isn’t good/big enough and I need a new one” I’d be pissed at myself, b/c that’s IS awful. And that’s what I feel no one understands. I’m not flashsy or showy or anything like that so the size and all that doesn’t even matter. But when people go sticking their noses in and then aren’t supportive it kind of makes me mad.
That’s what I should have done from the beginning. I was just excited and thought it was thoughtful so I wanted to share. I never expected so many people to view it so negatively. Especially the people who know me best and know I would have never asked for such a thing…. o well
He’s still the man I love and the whole point of the new ring is to symobilze where we are and how far we’ve come. Its not a status symbol or an “in your face” to anybody.But man people are so overly sensitive..