Post # 1
I had a bit of crap year and had to leave my job. I was sick for a while but now am looking for something new.
my fiancé will help me with paying for stuff… (If i ask) but makes me feel shit about it because he says things like “yeah ill buy it for you…. IF I HAVE TO” and “well suppose I’ll have to pay for it then – nobody else will”
he never ever says “don’t worry about it, I got it” or “would you like me to buy your toiletries/pay that bill/take you out”
I don’t feel like I can ask him for money because he makes me feel small about it. Then when I tell him this, he says it’s my fault I feel guilty (the only reason I feel guilty is him saying things like that above^^^)
i dont know if I should feel so upset by this? I’m wondering what it’d be like when were married. Will he be like this then? i thought married people were supposed to share – I know I’d offer to help him if he was in this situation. (In fact I did in the past)
Sorry I forgot to say that he is in a good job and earns plenTy of money. I wouldn’t be taking anything away from him if he were to offer to help me out from time to time.
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I would definitely sit down and talk this out.
He may feel resentful that he’s shouldering the finances right now, but his attitude is hurting your relationship and needs to be sorted out before you get married.
Post # 4
I’m assuming you haven’t been out of a job for an extremely long time, so if that’s the case.. I think you two have a few things you need to work on.
You need to discuss your finances in the future… are you sharing money and putting everything into the “pot”.. or are you splitting bills and keeps whats “yours”.
To each their own.. I’ve known many couples who had their “own” money and quite frankly, it never seemed to turn out okay.
My mom is a good example, when her and my father got married they carried separate expenses.. and she made considerably less than him. One month, she had an unexpected ticket to pay, and couldn’t pay her insurance [he wouldn’t give her the money to pay it], long story short.. icy road + crappy car + no insurance = bad. They ended up having to pay ALOT more money than the insurance would have been. After that, they combined their finances.
Once you are married, you need to work together. I mean.. what happenes [god forbid] he was to become very ill, or get sick at work. Wouldn’t he expect you to help with bills? Medication? I’m sure he would.
I certainly don’t think it’s okay for your fiance to belittle you, or make you feel small about your situation [if you’re at least trying to find work].
However, I do feel if you have been out of a job for a LONG time, he might feel that you were freeloading/mooching off him. I’ve dated a few freeloaders.. and I wouldn’t hand them a dime.
Post # 5
To answer your question of will he be like this when you marry? Yes, he will. People do not change because they get married.
Post # 6
I always find this odd. SO and I have shared all income and debts for years, and there’s never this dynamic about who’s paying for what. The two of you need to talk about money in detail.
ETA: hermom is right, too.
Post # 7
@Vintagelovexoxo: It’s really, really good that you’re thinking about this now. It’s important that you are in agreement about money when you’re married.
Different couples choose different ways to handle money, but the only way you’ll know how he’ll behave once you’re married is if you talk this out and have a plan! Just like everything else, how you both handle finances will not magically change just because you’re married.
Post # 8
You need to sit down and have a real indepth conversation about this. I would feel like crap too if I were in your shoes. FI never makes me feel bad if I needed help/money with anything. Nor would I him.
Post # 9
@jenilynevette: I left my job in may. And we’ve been together 7 years and live together so we aren’t just “dating”
Post # 10
@Vintagelovexoxo: I really think this isn’t fair to you. Your future spouse should never make you feel bad for asking for things you need- or even things you want (within reason). My SO is the only one with a job and he makes sure I am taken care of first. I have no problem asking him for a few dollars to buy my little luxury items (mostly he funds my lip balm addiction lol). If he made me feel bad for asking for things, I really don’t think our relationship would work. I firmly believe every woman deserves a man who wants to give her the world, not one who makes her feel inferior. What happens if you ever got sick? Or hurt? Comments like, “I’ll pay for your medication- if I have to,” would NOT make me feel like this was a man who vowed to support me in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. I would not be ok with feeling like a burden to my own husband, and honestly? If I was chronically ill and had to deal with comments like this, I would probably end up depressed because I would feel I had no support and was a burden and useless to everyone.
In short, he isn’t being supportive of you in your time of need, and no, he will no change. I would either make him do counseling or walk out. Do you really want to be with a man who begrudges you the things you need if they come out of his pocket?
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur
May I ask why you left your job? The answer to that could really change my opinion. If my FI left his job without anything lined up, I would be upset and would not be keen on helping him pay for things. I understand your FI has a good job, but that doesn’t mean he should have to pay for everything.
@ForeverBirds: being chronically ill and but being able to work is a lot different then just leaving a job. However, op didn’t say why she quit so if this is why, then yes, I would be upset with my FI.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta
@Vintagelovexoxo: My ex could be like this. I had student debt and he was paying for a lot of things. Then he lost his job and was unemployed for a year and I bought everything.
With FH I paid of his entire credit card bill basically when we met, then helped him pay off his massive amount of student loan debt over three years. We are a team and work together and try to be good about money together. When we lived overseas and he made more than me he helped out more. He would never say anything like that and was always 100% supportive. That is what you need out of a partnership. It is OUR money. I know a lot of couples don’t see it that way but we wouldn’t do it any other way.
Post # 13
You guys live together, so you need to sit down and hash out finances. Sometimes when things are separate it works out if each pays certain bills, but when one of you is out of a job, things sort of come to a standstill. He needs to be helping you out and not making dumb comments.
You are in this together, planning on getting married at some point, so you might as well figure the financial stuff out now. Sit down together and make a budget, based on his income only, come to an agreement that is mutually beneficial and then once you find a new job, sit down and readjust. Continue doing so monthly, or however often it’s needed. It shouldn’t be like asking for a handout. That’s not the way marriages should work, in my opinion. I would never leave my FI without something that was a need. But I might consider both of us cutting back on wants if it’s not in the budget at the moment.
Post # 14
@Vintagelovexoxo: A bit earlier on in my relationship with SO, we did have some issues on who would pay for what. Now that we are planning to get married, we have had multiple discussions on finances (like who will handle bills, how do we split costs, etc). I think the best thing to do is hammer this out before your married. Money can really drive a big wedge between couples if there isn’t a gameplan.
Post # 15
@Vintagelovexoxo: you need to have multiple, honest, in-detail discussions with your FI about finances and you should have this straightened before you get married. Sometimes different viewpoints on finances can be a dealbreaker in marriage so make sure the two of you are aligned. creat very, very detailed budgets in the case of the two of you earning incomes, or in the case if one of you lost a job. Get a good understanding of how you guys view your assets, home, etc. IMO every couple should be super supportive of the other person so if he really is begrudingly helping to pay for stuff, this is a warning flag
Post # 16
@Vintagelovexoxo: for me it would depend on why you left your job. If my fiancé were sick and couldn’t work, I would happily support him and would never make him fell bad for buying him things. If it was due to him leaving a job he hated/was miserable at without first finding another job, I would not be buying him a thing, and vice versa. As an adult, I am and always have been financially independent, I expect the same from my partner excepting illness or other extreme circumstances.