Opinions on should I stay or should I go

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

keelybear09:  Take a look at this post: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/its-official-im-moving-out/#axzz3A9OgmBHB

It seems like you are not alone in your decision to do this.

I think it’s a smart move, and if I were you I’d do the same. You have every right to take what actions you need to take in order to craft the life you want for yourself. Just like he has a right not to propose if he doesn’t feel ready, you have the right to move out if you feel uncomfortable playing the role of wife without an official committment.

It sounds like you and your BF have been together since you were young. I think it will only do you good to move out on your own for awhile, face the challenge of living on your own and supporting yourself entirely. When your BF is ready to commit, he can do so on his own time, while you pursue your own happiness instead hanging around waiting for his decision to ‘create’ your happiness, and building resentment in the meantime. Good luck!

Post # 4
1192 posts
Bumble bee

If you’re happy waiting 2-3 years to get married, I don’t see what the big deal is with getting engaged right away and having a lengthy engagement. If you know that he is committed to you and marriage is not in your immediate plans either, what is having a ring actually going to change?

That being said, if it makes you happier, go for it. Maybe it will give him the motivation he needs to offer you the commitment you’re looking for. 

Post # 5
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Sure, if the status quo isn’t working for you, move out. Do you own the home/pay the mortgage together, though? If so, it seems very unfair that he should get free accommodation and you have to pay rent. It might be worth talking to a lawyer and seeing what your legal situation is with the house and other posessions.

His “OMG, it’s just a threat!1” response is quite immature. The fact is that you have different life goals, and if he isn’t willing to compromise to meet yours then he can’t expect you to stick around and play house with him. We’re all entitled to our preferences, but we’re also entitled to move on if they don’t match up.

As a side note, now you have told him your plans, you really need to follow through with them or you are going to look like exactly the kind of weak person he is currently claiming you are. Don’t ever make an ultimatum you aren’t 100% willing and able to follow through with. You will lose his respect and he will have carte blanche to continue jerking you around with false promises for who knows how many years. Be a woman who keeps to her word.

Post # 6
4770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

keelybear09:  Has he explained why he isn’t ready? Is he the same age? Are you both done with school?

Post # 7
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius

keelybear09: I agree with some of the comments above, if everything is great, he’s your best friend etc etc and you don’t mind waiting for it to be official & to get married, what’s the point in stressing about it? I think your SO is right, you are pressuring him, and threatening him with ‘if you don’t propose by x date I am going to leave you’ – I think that’s a little harsh. 

I got engaged in October 2014, and honestly, nothing has changed except some occasional wedding planning, some people wait years and years to get engaged/married, you can still enjoy each other and have very happy lives together, when the time is right, it’s right. 

Would you really want him to propose to you just because you pressured him to? I know I wouldnt. 

Post # 8
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

keelybear09:  It’s hard for me to make comment one way or the other because he doesn’t seem to have any reason for not wanting to be engaged. Does he have a reason? Some men (and women I’m sure) really want to be financially stable before marriage/engagement. If he can’t give you any reasons that seem valid, then I think that’s your answer. His responses to you seem immature and vague, and who on earth wants to start a marriage with an ultimatum? 

Post # 9
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

DH and I have been engaged twice. The first time was when we were 22. Looking back on it now, I think I probably pressured him into it a little (we’ve been together since we were 15). We planned on having a long engagement so I could finish school and we could get things figured out financially. About a year into it, we broke the engagement off. He got freaked out that he was going to settle down that young. Obviously, we stayed together and got engaged again at 27. We had many talks about it over the years, and I learned to let it go that we weren’t married yet. I backed off and only gave him the deadline of “before we’re 30”, but I let him know when it did happen that I didn’t want a long engagement. 

I think this was the best thing that could have happened to us. I feel like we pressure guys into marriage, but they’re not always ready when we are. Clearly he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he just wasn’t ready until we got a little older (and had the finances to be ok). 

I think if you’ve given him an ultimatum, then stick to it. But, I also think you should really sit down and think about why you want to rush into marriage right now. There’s nothing wrong with with playing the role for now. Besides, it’ll make it more special when it does happen–knowing that he wanted to propose to you bc HE wanted to….not just bc he felt pressured. 

Just my two cents. 

Post # 10
527 posts
Busy bee

keelybear09:  He said, “but we are pretty much already married”. 

Yeah. No. He is taking advantage of the fact that you love him, live with him and he sees no reason to propose. Like I told another waiting bee, let him chase you. Explain you love him but you can’t go on like this forever so you will try living alone for a while. If he lets you go and loses interest, you immediately have your answer. 

Post # 11
4654 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

keelybear09:  I’m not a waiting bee, but I did want to say that since you have told him this (you will move out) you need to follow through if you don’t get engaged.

Post # 12
1634 posts
Bumble bee


keelybear09:  I think if he maintains his “we’re basically married already” attitude, its probably time for you to stick to your guns. Yes, you act like your married… but you’re NOT! I would try to find out what exactly is causing his hesitation, because there has to be something. Chances are, he’s not holding off a proposal because he’s ‘getting the milk for free”, there’s likely more to it. Maybe it’s just that he really doesnt see the rush (i like how 4.5 years is “rushing” to some guys) and would like to have a bit more cash saved up, maybe its just that he’s truely not ready yet. I know my DH wasnt ready, I told him if he wasnt ready after 4 years, he likely never will be (we’re 29 and 31, so that was a big part of it) and I need to go find someone who wants the same things as me. Maybe your SO just doesnt see marriage as a priority, and sees a wedding as just a big expense seeing as though you’re ‘basiaclly married already’. I would try to talk to him again to figure out the root of his hesitation. There’s got to be one, and if you can figure it out, maybe you can determine if it’s valid and you can wait a while longer with him or if he’s just being selfish and not taking your priorities into consideration.

Post # 13
3438 posts
Sugar bee

My husband and I lived together before we were married. We also had a daughter before we got married as well.  when we first started dating we talked about a timeline of marriage, children, etc.  Clearly the child part came before the marriage part.  Because of that, I wanted to get married before our daughter born.  But we eventually decided it was best to get married after she was born and I wasn’t pregnant.  We talked it out and decided what worked best for us.

I would talk to your boyfriend and get this cleared out.  If you really do plan on telling him that you will leave after the timeframe make sure you follow through.  I really wouldn’t recommend that route, most men dont’ like the if this doesn’t happen, I will leave threat.  It hasn’t worked well for several friends I know.  Either the man married the woman because he felt forced and not happy because he wasn’t ready, or because he married her becuase the woman wanted it. I’m right along with you on wanting to be married.  I get that, just make sure he understands the importance of marriage to you.  My husband didn’t understand it either because his reasoning was “I call you wife and see you as my wife.”  When I told him the importance of actually being married and explained how I saw it, then he understood, but I never once threatened to walk out.  Even if our daughter wasn’t in the picture, I wouldn’t do that.  So make sure this is what you want.  On either outcome.

Post # 14
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

keelybear09:  I completely agree with you on giving him your stand point. It’s not a threat, you’re telling him where you stand just as he is with you. He’s obviously not ready and told you so, especially with that “we’re basically married” attitude, oh no ma’am. I had that issue with my SO a while back and we had a very serious discussion. He is comfortable and complacent with the relationship, you however are wanting something to be taken to the next level and you are NOT wrong for that. If you are not engaged by the end of the year, stick to your guns and if you DO still love him and want to be with him then make that known but just tell him that you will not play the “wifey” roll until he is truly ready for you to be his wife. You still want to be with him and be his GF but this is just not flying with you anymore. You have every right to do that!

Post # 15
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

keelybear09:  he has a right not to be ready, and you have a right to move on with your life if you’d like to be engaged sooner than he’s ready. It’s your life and only you know what will ultimately bring you happiness and satisfaction.

For me personally, I was ready before my fiance was, when we’d been together 3 years. We talked it over and he let me know he was very serious about a future with me but needed more time, and I decided I would wait… I’ve known him for nearly a decade and I knew he was always a man of his word, rather than stalling and not actually intending to marry me – if he was unsure about me, he would have said so. And ultimately I just adore him and felt that being with him was more important to me than being married at a certain timeframe. He let me know he was ready about a year after that conversation, we went ring shopping a few months after that, and he proposed in another 6 months.  

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