Post # 1
I have a male cousin who is going to be getting married in July His mom who was my aunt died 10 years ago when he was 14. His father remarried four years later. My cousin doesn’t view his stepmother as an additional parent but just as his father’s wife. It does sound cruel but my cousin feels that way. Recently his stepmother asked about doing the mother/son dance and my cousin doesn’t want to do a dance with her at all. I can understand my cousin’s feelings but his father keeps pushing it.
A friend of mine who lives a few hours away from me is getting married in August. Her parents divorced when she was 8 and her mother remarried when she was 13. She has the same attitude towards her stepfather that my cousin has towards his stepmother. She views the stepfather as just her mom’s husband. My friend suffered from hearing loss throughout childhood and she was 15 she lost most of the hearing in both ears. Her father lived near a deaf school and she decided to live with him and enroll in the school. My friend never lived with her mom or stepdad again. So she doesn’t feel close with him at all. Recently her mom expressed that she wants the stepdad to also walk with my friend and her dad down the aisle. My friend doesn’t want this and she has argued quite bit with her mom.
I don’t have a stepparent. My fiance’s father had a daughter from a previous marriage but her mother didn’t remarry until my FI’s half sister was an adult. When FI’s sister got married, her stepfather didn’t do anything in the wedding and everything was ok with it.
I do feel that the stepparents in situations of my cousin and a friend are being pushy but I can sort of see were people would be hurt. Has anyone ever experienced this in their lives or observed it in others?
Post # 3
Every family is different. For me, my stepfather is my father figure. At my first wedding, he took all those father roles on – walked me down the aisle and we had a father/daughter dance.
My ex husbands family was much different. His stepfather was always referred to as his mother’s husband and no one included him in family gatherings.
I’ve worked with a lot of brides, and I’ve seen every possible scenario in things.
Only your cousin and your friend can decide how to handle it, and hopefully they all come up with a way that keeps the peace in the family without compromising their wishes.
Good luck to them!
Post # 4
I would really encourage your friends to stand firm on what they want for their wedding. I think in both of these situations they are in the right! I don’t understand why your cousin’s father would think your cousin would be interested in doing a dance with his stepmother at all. He remarried when his son was 18 and is surprised when he doesn’t view her as his mother? So silly.
Your friend’s mother is super out of line insisting that her (uninvolved!) stepfather walk her down the aisle along with her real father who raised her. Does she even really know her stepfather? So, so ridiculous.
The bottom line is that if your cousin and friend don’t want to give special attention to their step parents, they don’t have to! Even if it was their real parent they didn’t want to give them away or whatnot, it’s their wedding and they should do what makes them happy and comfortable.
Post # 5
I agree it silly in my cousin’s situation that his dad is pushing for a mother/son dance. My cousin and his stepmom get along well.
With my friend and her stepfather, they also get along well but were never close. From the time my cousin was 13 to 15, she did live with her mom and stepdad but her stepdad used to travel quite a bit for his job during that time. Then when my friend was 15 she moved with her dad and would see her mom and stepdad maybe 1 or 2 weekends out of the month.
I do feel both my cousin and friend are in the right. But I can sort of see were some people might think they are cruel.
Post # 6
I have 2 step parents (one through marriage to my mother and one through just cohabitation with my father.)My step mother has been my fathers partner since I was three or four so she has always been in my life.However,she brought me up that she was NOT my mother,I shouldnt call her so etc.She was doing this to make things easier for me and my brother I think. However,fast forward to my teens and she eneded up making my life pretty miserable for a few long years. So,based on the fact we havent spoken for nearly 2 years now,she isnt even invited to our wedding.I can understand your friend and cousins lack of enthusiasm for wanting to involve stepparents,after all,they werent even really a huge involvement in their lives, and I think people are only getting upset/suggesting they get involved because they want to make the step parents to feel included maybe?
At the end of the day,its everybodies individual choice,and if my mothers husband hadnt passed away 3 years ago,I would have liked to include him somehow,