Post # 1
I was just wondering what all you lovely bee’s thought about this…..
If parents or family is paying for all or some of your wedding, do you let them have a "say" in how things are done? If you pay for the wedding yourself, do you let your parents or family have a "say" in how things are done? Just wondering on how much couples allow their parent’s and family to dictate how the wedding goes …
Post # 3
We are paying for our entire wedding ourselves, plus we’ve paid for extra expenses that aren’t "normal" (like we bought my FMIL her dress, and are paying for his little bro’s suit). We have had complete and total control on EVERYTHING! But then again, I’m such an OCD control-freak that things have to be my way, almost all of the time. I’m one of those "I’ll do everything because no one else can do it as well as I can" girls.
Post # 4
My parents are paying for most of the wedding, and luckily my Mom (who can be a totally controlling b***h sometimes) has a very similar taste and aesthetic to mine. Ultimately, though, if I like something and she doesn’t, it’s my call. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your parents, but regardless you should speak your mind if you don’t like something and at least try to come to some sort of compromise. I’ve got a friend right now whose mother and FMIL totally hijacked her wedding and she’s pretty pissed, so I suggest you avoid that at all costs because it’s been a nightmare even being her bridesmaid with those two so I can only imagine what her life must be like!
Post # 5
Both my FI and my parents are paying for our wedding entirely.
We gave them some control over the guest list…not too please but without them we wouldnt be getting the wedding of out dreams!
Other than that, they haven’t had much say in anything really.
Post # 6
If I’m paying for the wedding, I will still consult them. It’s always fun to bounce ideas off each other w/ my family or also let them contribute non-$ wise in helping me with DIY stuff. They’re also important to me so I value their input. However, at the end of the day, I would make the executive decision myself.
If family is paying, I would not only let them have a ‘say’ in how things r done but also have them more involved in the decision-making process. Either I would plan everything & run it by them to get their ok. Or they go do the planning/research and run it ok by me. In times of conflict, I’ll probably work harder for a compromise rather than just make a unilateral decision… i wouldn’t like to think of this as "dictating" but more of a team effort.
Post # 7
My FI and I have a very CLEAR idea on what we want at our wedding. We are on a super tight budget. Both our parents are "chipping in" for the wedding. We made it clear to both our parents that if they want to chip in for the wedding, just know that we don’t plan to change any of our original thoughts on how things will go. Both our parents were happy to help and didn’t feel the need to "help and give opinions" unless we asked for them. We feel very lucky for having such great parents!!
Post # 8
My parents paid for about half of the wedding. Luckily, my mom and I have very similar taste and expectations on how a wedding should be. However, if your parents are paying for the wedding and you’ll butt heads, that can be a problem.
It’s interesting to ask (and other brides have brougth this up) that if your parents are paying, how much of a say do you allow them? The way I see it, if your parents are paying, how much a bride "allows" them, is ultimately the result of how much slack they give her. Ie, if they give the money and don’t give a darn, she has free rein, and might get opinions etc. But if they are opinionated in how things will be, often times the bride is left with either giving in, giving up their money to do things her way, or begging, throwing tantrums, etc.
In order to avoid drama, if I was a bride or mom, I would make clear guidelines of how much money, and what it’s going towards. I think most parents have a threshold of when they’ll put their collective foot down. It’s just a mater of how similar your tastes are, or how involved they want to be. As aggravating as it is for a bride to run into resistance with her mom, I can appreciate some things a parent put a halt to. Just think if your footing the bill for your kid’s wedding, and she wants to get married scuba diving, with wetsuits for all her guests etc. Sorry, but if my girl wants to do that, she will be paying for that herself.
Post # 9
I personally think that if your family is paying for the wedding, you should all sit down and talk about what is expected and what you all want out of the event. That way, you know up front if it’s worth it to take their money.
Post # 10
Our parents are helping us pay for the wedding and we’ve been lucky so far that we haven’t really had any differences of opinion. And they’ve pretty been great about us having the wedding we want. Then again, our wedding will be pretty simple: we are getting married outdoors, having family members do the food, etc. My fiance’s parents are very involved in their church and I think they’d like us to get married in church, but they’ve been great with the fact that we want an outdoor wedding (and don’t attend church regularly). We’ve also been asking their opinions and keeping them in the loop about everything. So they don’t feel that they are just handing over money blindly.
This is my opinion, but I think that they should have some say. One place I wanted to get married was this gorgeous old barn and gazebo. But it was a) out of my dad’s budget and b) we would have had to do ALL they set up, clean up, and provide everything (even toilet paper). So while that was my first choice, I found a place that was in my dad’s budget and was still (mostly) what we wanted.
I think you just have to keep all parties involved and keep lines of communication open. And before you even start planning, sit down and have a discussion regarding budget, guest list, who’s doing what, etc.
Post # 11
I think as with all things in life and relationships, it is a compromise. In my case I am planning on splitting costs with my parents – they will get the ‘staples’ like food, dj, venue, alcohol, and I will get the ‘extras’ like floral arrangements, table linens, lighting, and fun extras.
My mom and I have very different ideas about weddings. I am not saying this to be mean because I adore her, but I find my mom’s vision of the perfect wedding about the most boring thing imaginable! She gets so wrapped up in somebody’s third cousin twice removed who lives in Australia coming in, looking around, and finding something (anything!) weird. So she wants things to be as cookie cutter as humanly possible.
I am the exact opposite, I actually worry about it being too cookie cutter and keep looking for ways to personalize the day!
Even with this huge gap in ideas, there is one thing we both agree on absolutely, and that is that we love each other very, very much and that we want this to be a special day for both of us. We talked outright about our differences and came up with a sort of ‘contract’. If something is just of be-all-end-all importance to her, then ok, I will let her have the final say. For example, the fact that it be in a church. In return, I expect her to let it go when she doesn’t agree on a small issues like the height of the centerpieces. If necessary we will consult a third party wedding planner to decide if something is ‘trendy but ok’ or ‘just not done’.
Post # 12
I think that’s a great compromise, Anne79!
My parents and my in-laws contributed some money to our wedding, so we took their suggestions into consideration. We gave on some items (tablecloths, rehearsal dinner location, dress and veil, etc…) but it was more because we value our parents’ opinions than that we feel they had a "right" to plan our wedding.
Post # 13
the boy and i would ultimately make the final decision but i would definitely consult with the parents or consider their opinions, whether they were paying or not. a wedding isn’t just about the couple [it is a big part] but also the families so letting my parents get their way every once and again shouldn’t kill me. haha.
Post # 14
I kinda see it both ways. I think the Bride and Groom should get what they want. Period. But I also get torn between thinking that if someone else is paying, you’re somewhat obligated to bend to their demands to an extent like if they want certain foods. I prefer it when a lump sum is handed as a "gift" though. Then, the wedding is a gift…although in my case I’d never do anything crazy with it like getting married in a scuba outfit =]. I just think that if you’re going to help your kids out, you shouldn’t make them unhappy and guilty and cry over the money. I think parents need to realize it’s THEIR wedding and they already had their own.
This is why I turned down my parents’ money. They said "wedding in Jamaica, we’ll pay for it all! Or you’re on your own" and even though they offered to fly us, our friends, our family out to jamaica and put us all up in the resort (yep, expensive!), when we said it’s not what we wanted, my dad said "fine, pay for it yourselves" and now we are now paying for 99% of it ourselves. It sucks! But I also don’t have to listen to my dad going "well, since I’M paying, this is what YOU’RE having" and I get to have the wedding that we want. Not what my parents want.
I say 99% b/c they bought my dress for me. Which of course was all my decision.
Post # 15
I’ve had some other posts about recent nightmare battles between my parents and I. I have taken the stance that since we are planning a wedding with them, and having them pay (it’s a whole can of worms not to do it this way), this should be a team effort.
There are certaint things that FI and I simply won’t have at any event associated with us, especially our wedding. I feel that by conceding too many things in the beginning, though, we’re now in the space where they are pushing into territory that would honestly make us not even want to attend.
Here’s advice that absolutely did not work for me, but hopefully would for someone who’s parents are rational. Make your own budget up based on what you think things will cost, show it to them and get a number for their budget, and then revise your budget to match theirs. presumably you have at least a ball park sense of what their budget will be. After this process, stick to your budget. Let your parents be as involved as they’d like while retaining final say…and definitely listen if something is *really* important to them. For your budget, if you go over in one area, revise somewhere else. Since it’s someone else’s money, I think you need to be more on top of this than you might otherwise be.
Of course, try as I might, almost none of this worked in my case b/c my dad is the type who always wants 10% off no matter what price you start with. That said,I think it’s just that my Dad is completely irrational with money, and can also be extremely controlling. If your parents are neither of those things, I’ve seen the above strategy work pretty well.